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#720713 02/05/02 08:03 PM
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Hello ES,
I am so sorry you are in such pain.
You are a very special person that has been put into a tough spot, but it WILL pass. Give yourself some time to grieve the end of this chapter before opening the next one in your life.
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but antidepressants are not cure-alls. They don't make the pain and grief go away, even in 2 months. They certainly help, but you have to seek guidance and counseling also. You have to look within and heal yourself.
ES, you have always been level-headed, yet sensitive with a very good heart. Let this be your guide now. Your attribures are true gifts that are always with you. USE THEM!
Sending positive energy, prayers and hugs your way, cl

#720714 02/06/02 01:00 AM
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betrayed and desperate, Roll Me Away, Orchid & cl -- Thank you for your replies. I appreciate your attempts at consoling me, I really do. I have been dealing with all of this off and on for almost five (5) years now, in fact in three (3) weeks it will be exactly five (5) years ago that all of this garbage started.<p>One day I will have to explain to my daughter everything that has gone on between her mother and I. Until that day comes, I get to see my daughter three weekends a month. She lives 65 miles from me, so I do not get any other real interaction with her. Phone calls require a long distance bill. . . yet another bill that I really can not afford.<p>I have stopped crying for the time being, but am frankly afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid of waking up with that panic feeling I have been experiencing. It's just about midnight here. I have an appointment at 9am, yet I am afraid to lay down and go to sleep.<p>Am I simply over-reacting? I really don't know. I just no that there is nothing in my life right now that is going anywhere close to right. Everything I seem to touch falls apart. I am so scared of just about everything right now, that I don't know what to do.

#720715 02/06/02 07:23 AM
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when all else fails, and just cannot seem to find balance, stability, peace....it seems at least one advice is to do physical stuff, work out, run/jog, swim .....whatever, do it till you are wore out, rest, then do it some more...at the very least you are doing something good for your body, and takes almost zero thinking/feeling. I told you before, and want to remind you again...remember the future is always unwritten, each day is a new one, and the beginning of the rest of your life...be the best dad you can now under the circumstances, it counts, and your daughter will see and feel things from you besides what you actually do, so attitude is important. Also (you can overlook this part, since I am dysfunctionally optimistic by nature) you now have lots of opportunities to explore, learn new skills, change directions in life, even explore what makes people feel the way you feel...another thing I think works, is volunteer a little of your time in some setting where people are really in need, this often helps shift your perspective of your life back to a little more stability.....you have many years ahead ES, and while this will always be a dark time, eventually your life will be good, and this will fade, time is the great healer, if we let it, and use it wisely. Good luck

#720716 02/06/02 10:07 AM
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Just wondering how you are doing today, and if you made it to that counseling appointment?<p>I pray today is a better day for you. <p>TNT

#720717 02/06/02 01:08 PM
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Well, I went to my counseling appointment this morning. We talked about what has been going, about how I felt and reacted yesterday.<p>He told me pretty much the same things that I have been told here. He gave me some ideas to try in order to break this hold of depression.<p>We'll see if it does any good.<p>When I got home, I checked my mail and found something telling me that I had failed to follow a court order, and that I could be held in contempt if I did not call them. . . . .I was never given any information concerning this court order, so you can imagine that I was pretty angry.<p>I have to attend a four (4) hour parenting class next week, and I have to pay more than $50 for the priviledge. . . and of course, I have to drive 50 miles in order to attend this class.<p>It is getting really, really old getting screwed like this every time I turn around.

#720718 02/06/02 01:20 PM
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Oh ES, I'm so sorry. You, however, need NEVER be alone. I'm not sure if you have a love for Jesus or not, but here are some scriptures that have helped me tremendously:<p>Psalm 34:17
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them from all their troubles..."<p>Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand..."<p>2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God..."<p>Psalm 30:5
"For his anger is but for a moment; his favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night; but JOY comes in the morning."<p>Give yourself over to God my friend. If God is for us, what can mortal man do??<p>PEACE,<p>MOM

#720719 02/06/02 05:43 PM
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ES - it's a bummer. Hang in there - one day at a time.
TNT

#720720 02/06/02 08:18 PM
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HI ES,
Just keep hanging in there.
Exercise is good. I used to ride my bike really hard, as fast as I could, even in the snow. I would just let my legs burn and my cheeks get frozen. Then go into the garage and attack the heavy bag. Yeah I envisioned everything possible on the fromt of that bag.
A few good things came from it-got in great shape, learned how to box and kick properly and could relax and sleep!
Also got very into different types of tea. There are some blends that soothe, some that energize, those that clear your head, those that help you think, etc.
Yoga allows for vigorous or calming moves that anyone can learn to do. Stretch your muscles and your mind. You can get a video at the library and learn in the privacy of your own living room.
And.....thre is always MB. THe greatest place to come for hugs, laughs, support and prayers.
(((((((((((es))))))))))) aloha, cl

#720721 02/06/02 09:17 PM
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Tonight is a little better than yesterday. I am no where close to normal, but a little better than yesterday. I have only found myself crying a couple of times today, and never was it the uncontrollable sobbing that I was doing yesterday.<p>I am still a bit afraid of going to sleep, because of the constant wake ups I get whenever I try to sleep. I talked with my counselor about this today, I almost never remember my dreams, so when I find myself sitting up and looking around in the dark, I don't know if it was a dream which woke me or not.<p>I have always slept like a log, but in the past few months, I am doing good if I can get three (3) to four (4) hours sleep a day. I hardly eat any more. . . partly because money is so tight, I can't afford to get a lot, but also because I find myself simply not hungry. . . .for days at a time. I have lost a great deal of weight as a result. I hardly ever turn on the TV, unless it is to have some type of background noise, because I don't watch the stupid thing.<p>Everything in my life that I felt comfortable with, or that I thought was stable has completely fallen apart. In a very real sense, I no longer know who I am. I don't know who I am going to find when this is finally all over. . .if it is ever really over. . .I just hope and pray that something of me remains.

#720722 02/06/02 09:31 PM
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ES - I know what you feel like. Maybe you need some sleeping pills too. My endocrinologist prescribed a generic form of valium for me to help me to sleep. It would conk me out in no time, but then I woke up about 3 hours later - wide awake. He warned me not to take them too late in the evening because then I might not wake up - or I'd be groggy in the morning - but I thought sleep was more important, so I'd take the 2nd pill if I needed it.<p>Now I am sleeping so much more better, I can almost count on it. <p>What they found out is that the stress caused my auto-immune system to kick in, it attacked my thyroid, and my thyroid became over-active. So, it was much more than just stress. Maybe your doctor could check that out for you? I really don't know if that has ever happened to you before?<p>ES, the thing about you is that you are a very passionate person, and very sincere. You are loyal also. You are shedding roles - not the deep down in side ES. You will find yourself as these layers come off - and guess what? You are a pretty decent guy. God don't make junk.<p>(((ES)))

#720723 02/06/02 10:02 PM
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TNT -- I have sleeping pills as well, but I am not supposed to mix them with the second anti-depressant I was put on.<p>Thanks for the vote of confidence. . .I hope you're right.

#720724 02/06/02 10:04 PM
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Hi ES,<p>Checking in to see how you are doing. Glad you went to the counselor. It sure does seem like life has hit you up the back side. But it did not knock you over. 5 years is a long time. You are now 5 years older and wiser. For me, money also is not my constant companion. More like water that flows out way too easy. The harder I work, the more I pay. Hm........ life sucks!<p>Are there any MBers in your area? Howz about local sports teams? What do you enjoy doing? I know these are hard questions to answer right now but maybe diversity will do you some good. Who knows? Your daughter's visits may increase. <p>We can keep hoping. right? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hugz,
L.

#720725 02/07/02 02:43 PM
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Orchid -- I don't know if there are any MBers in my area or not. I really have not been very active on the forumns in quite some time, and have lost track of most everything.<p>As far as sport teams are concerned, I watch football and baseball, but with both seasons over, I do not even have that as a diversion.<p>The things that I used to enjoy, no longer hold any joy for me. Even the TV shows that I used to watch regularly, I have not seen since Thanksgiving.<p>There is really only one thing which has proven to be an effective diversion, but even that alternative is not available to me right now.<p>I spend a lot of time aimlessly surfing the internetsometime reading on these forumns, but mostly I simply sit and stare off into space, even if the TV is on. The only thing which has been breaking up that monotony has been when my daughter is here.

#720726 02/07/02 08:11 PM
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ES, you have to stop the cycle.
You have lots of help, so let those that care and love you help you!
We can reach out and give you a hand to pull you out of the ditch, but you have to reach up and take it my friend. We will do all the pulling, dont worry about that.
You took the first step and saw the doc, now keep going to counseling and keep reaching. We will keep pulling.

#720727 02/07/02 08:23 PM
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Well, I knew there was a reason that I stopped reading here. I'm not real keen on being blamed for everything that has gone wrong in my marriage and for destroying ES. I admit that I made mistakes but for crying out loud. I'm not ALL to blame. That is some of the reason why I left. I was tired of getting the feeling from ES that everything wrong in our marriage was my fault and he isn't to blame for any of it. Boy I wish I hadn't come back. I hate being blamed for everything since it seems that everyone here feels that way and seems to be blaming me as well as ES.

#720728 02/07/02 08:25 PM
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Hi ES,<p>I'm gonna be gone for a week, but know that I will be thinking of you and praying, as I do for all those I care about here -- even if I've never seen them face-to-face.<p>ES, you are a GOOD MAN. I really think hopeful is a good woman too. You both have been so very hurt over the years... and that's truly sad. My therapist said the same about my marriage to David, you know? It's OKAY to be sad -- that's a normal part of grieving.<p>ES, I have just recently begun to feel like myself. And I mean - in the last several weeks. Two months ago I was at the tail end of a VERY DEEP depression. It pisses me off, but I had to take the meds. I HATE that!! I want to take care of it myself, or let God do it -- anything but the meds. But you know what? When they kicked in, which took about two weeks, it helped... but weeks later, about three weeks later, ALL OF THE SUDDEN, I could SEE THE LIGHT at the end of the tunnel.<p>Some of what you (and I) are going through is normal grieving, some is circumstances (the end of a long term marriage and financial ruin), some is chemical. When you get the chemical worked through, you can begin to take care of the other things. <p>I never have gotten back into watching the shows I used to watch on TV, or read my books, although I do try. But I am better. You will be too -- soon.<p>I hope I come back next week to a much-improved ES.<p>TAKE CARE, My friend.<p>Hugs,
Sheryl

#720729 02/07/02 08:28 PM
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Dear Hopeful and ES,
I am so sorry that you feel blame is being passed around here. It is not the intention.
I hope you will both feel comforted and encouraged to know you have many friends and supporters here.
(((((hugs))))) aloha, cl

#720730 02/07/02 08:32 PM
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Hopeful, <p>If you are still around, you will notice that I wrote my last response at the same time you wrote yours. I mentioned there that you are a good person - BEFORE you wrote. I am sure you are grieving also. Ending a marriage, especially a long-term marriage, is HARD. I'm sorry for your pain too.<p>The reason ES is getting support is because he came and asked for support. Had you done the same, you too would be getting support. I have always been there for BOTH of you.<p>Hopeful, the time for blame is over. Please read what we've all written and you'll see we are offering KINDNESS and a HAND UP for a man who is VERY DEPRESSED. <p>The same is offered to you, if you'll take it...

#720731 02/07/02 08:44 PM
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Going back and rereading what I have read I've come across a math formula by TNT. It basically state: hopeful=unhealthy marriage.<p>Sure seems to me that I'm being blamed by TNT for the marriage being so bad. Yes ES is asking for help. I understand that he is depressed. But I've also seen him have such a close relationship with another woman that he seems he has moved on with his life. I just hate being blamed for everything. It seems to me that ES is even saying that his being depressed is all my fault. That I should just give him his daughter and be depressed myself and that would make everything that much better. I just hate this feeling that everyone says this is all my fault.

#720732 02/07/02 08:53 PM
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Hopeful, <p>I am not blaming you, nor am I blaming ES, I am blaming LIFE. I have been in your shoes... I have been in ES's shoes... I HEAR BOTH OF YOU.<p>I cannot speak for anyone else... I can only speak for myself.<p>I hurt for BOTH OF YOU. I always have.

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