I have asked my lawyer to serve WS divorce papers on Monday. I just don't know if I should tell him or just let them be served. My feelings are so mixed up. On one hand I feel that I should tell him so that he will be prepared. On the other hand, he didn't think or care what I would feel when I found out he was living next door with OW! Do I stoop to his level and be sneaky or should I do the "nice" thing and tell him? <p>A little history about my story is my h is having a probable A with the next door neighbor. He denies it, but too much evidence, lies, etc., etc. for me (or anyone else) to believe otherwise. He is now living there..right next door. That is why I have decided to file. I can't take this torture anymore. I am doing this to protect myself from any further pain and to protect my children.

brokenhearted,<p>Do the ethical thing and let H know what is coming. Yes, he has been a real jerk in his behavior, but you should take the right path. I surely believe that you have given your H every opportunity to make honorable decisions about what he is doing. I'm so sorry it has come to this. I can't imagine having him next door.<p>My DIL, the WS, had D papers served on my S who had zero idea they were coming. S was in the yard playing with his little boy. DIL stood on the porch watching as the officer handed S the papers.<p>Let your H know on Sunday night. Don't give him too much warning. Will the papers be served at "home" or at work?<p>Estes

Be the better person. Give him a heads up. <p>That way you get to see the look on his face!!!!<p>Elizabeth

I agree, tell him, just matter of factly, and mention you did so out of courtesy.

Thanks Estes and Elizabeth for the advice. you are right no matter how much hurt he has caused me...I just can't do that to him. I think I just needed to have someone rationalize it for me.<p>He is going to be served at work on Monday morning. I was going to have him served at her house, but I couldn't do that either! Thanks again.
BH

OK...I'm going to come at this from the other side.<p>I'm with you... he didn't bother to let you know his actions, I wouldn't break my neck to let him know yours....truthfully tho, I guess it goes deeper than that really. It's a survival thing.<p>Your atty. can tell you when the papers will be served. That will give you a heads up on that and you'll know when to "look" next door.<p>My xH was an evil, deceitful, coniving man. I lost every bit of respect I ever had for him. I also felt that I had to start thinking in terms of "me" as opposed to "us". My atty. confirmed this. Looking back...I'm glad I took his advice and kept quiet. I knew then that because of our particular circumstances it was a necessary thing and I could live with it. If you can say the same, then I support being quiet....don't tell. There's enough grief in all of this regardless of what happens. Don't put yourself thru more than what you have to.<p>Just my HO.<p>- First Light

Ok, some things to think about. First of all, is your husband violent at all, or have a bad temper? If so, you will need to protect yourself. But from my view point, it happened to me 2X now....and I was the 3,4 person to find out my life was being turned upside down. Have to admit, that upset me alot. I am not violent, but did throw some anger at me. My advice....I would let him know. But all depends on what kind of person he is. Did you give him an "ultimatum" at all? That if he did not stop seeing her, or whatever, that would file? I guess a "warning"? If so, then he might be prepared for it. If not, then....well, might throw him for a loop. Anyway, things to think about. I think every situation is different. BUT, do NOT let anger or resentment or vindication control you...you will not feel good about it later. Plus, it will just make things ugly...and if you have kids, that is not good. Do NOT stoop to his level....
Good luck
T.

BH,
Let him now its coming. I was served in front of my children and never saw it coming. Take the high road. Next if you have children its time to move away from a x girlfrind that is allowing you WS to live with her. Move Now. Start protecting yourself and your children.

One thing I did forget to ask, do you want to save your marriage and stay with your husband? If so, I guess you should read up on ways to deal with this situation.....again, you have "choices"....remember that.
Hang in there!
Tony

Thanks Tony & Adam. Let me try to answer some of your questions. I did not give him an ultimatum, but I did ask him to stop all contact with OW, which he flatly refused to do and then proceeded to move in with her. He denies there is an affair, but I don't believe that for a minute. I decided to tell him and actually told him today. After thinking about it, it was really the only thing I could have done to help me feel OK about it. He is actually coming over tonight to talk about it. Don't know how it will go but I'll post about it later. He is not violent with me or the kids, but does have a temper (he punches walls when he gets really angry). I am soooo very nervous. Thanks everyone for the support and the great replies. It was great getting different points of views.
BH

I guess I'm mixed on this one....<p>... You're right, he didn't bother to tell you about the affair or moving in next door with OW.....<p>Now you must make a decision on what to do.....<p>tell or not to tell...hummmmmm<p>All I can say in my case my ex did everything behind my back... the affair... then when he filed...do ya know how I found out...<p>I READ IT IN THE NEWSPAPER !!!!
He didn't even tell me... but I'll tell ya one thing... I bet the OW(WH**E)knew that he filed and all. Makes me sick !!!!!<p>I was shocked...heartbroken and all...<p>I'm with First light....... don't break your neck !!!!<p>Keep your chin up....<p>Blessings,
s

Hi BH,<p>I feel that you should go to Plan B, and that means a Plan B letter. I say author a Plan B letter to him incorporating that you are filing for D and why.<p>You did do a successful Plan A first, YES?<p>Are you familiar with the Plan B letter and it's purpose, Hon?<p>I can glean a sample Plan B letter for you, just say the word and I'll find some.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jo, thanks, I really do need to go to Plan B, especially after what happened tonight. I am going to start a new thread to explain it. It is long and complicated and incredibly painful. I have done the best plan A I could do, but after tonight, I need to go to plan B immediately. Please send me a sample letter, I would really appreciate it. <p>S - I decided to tell him and I am glad I did. It worked out to be a blessing in disguise. as I mentioned to Jo above, I am starting a new thread to explain the events of tonight. Just incredible what happened. My life just seems to get more and more bizarre. <p>I will probably post the new thread in GQII. Thanks everyone.
I can't take any more pain.
BH<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>