Ok. <p>I'm trying to find a way to communicate with my WH as we wait until our divorce hearing at teh end of April, at which time the court will set up temporary visitation and temporary child support and alimony.<p>However, I am trying to deal with a controlling WH who wants to only communicate by phone or in person with me when I'm alone so that he can just dictate his will and then lash out at me when I don't cower to his wishes about the kids and the money.<p>I need a third party present or e-mail or something - but he refuses to communicate by any means other than the phone. Well, I can also receive messages on my Nextel phone and mistakenly told him that I didn't want to erase the messages taht I had on it and that it was full, so now he wants to communicate by Nextel messaging service so that I am forced to erase the maeesges I wanted to save.<p>Am I being to anal about this? Should I just let him say commuicate by Nextel messaging and let him make me erase the messages I want to save - they are all incriminating messages from him that I just need to write down, but then he "wins" and I bow to his wishes again.<p>I'm trying to set some boundaries, but I want them to be reasonable and fair. I've also tried having my parents be a third party, but he refuses to let me speak through them.<p>Antone have any suggestions of how to communicate about the children with this man? K<p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"Dear STBX
"There is no way I will communicate with you without a third party present, or the ability to record what you say. <p>"You should have no problem with this, because you seem to be certain that you are right, all who witness our conversations will surely agree with you. <p>"All attempts to avoid third party oversight is an admission on your part that you are fully aware that you are abusive and wrong. If you want to admit abuse, please seek counseling as soon as possible."<hr></blockquote><p>I don't know that I would send this if I were you, but boy, it felt good to write it, as I have done business with abusive S.O.B.s before and was never in a position to let them have it! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>P.S. Not anal at all - you are being abused. Have you called the police and made a report yet about the strong-arm incident?<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</p>

i have found great love for my old answering machine with the microcassettes. I can let him go on and on and then pop the tape out and keep it.<p>Bear in mind that the telephone was created for your convenience, not you for the telephone. Who says you have to answer it? Who says you have to delete the messages?<p>It is infrequent but not impossible for me to make myself unavailable to be verbally beaten up by my x. <p>I know your children are small enough that you need to meet them at the door when they come home. But for the last year or so, I have - on occaision - left my front door open so the children who are now 11 and 9 can let themselves in. I do own the house so x is pretty good about not coming in without an invitation.<p>You are the one with the telephone. Use the power of ownership to protect yourself. Tell him e-mail works best for you as it allows you to deal with messages from him when it is convenient. Because babies can't always wait for feeding or diapering. Neither can older children.<p>It works far better for me to communicate by e-mail with my x. Far better.

what *SHE* (cinderella) said. As the theme to Malcom in the Middle goes "He's not the boss of you now and he's not so big."
I say SCREW 'im. I wouldn't make anything easy for him.
I would get one of those voice activated records---Search for posts about 'snooping'...and hook it up to my phone. I would imagine it will also record whatever vmail messages you listen to on that line.

As my son says...
NOT!<p>You are not being anal, you are not being anything but safe and smart. That letter from K/A is awesome. Short, sweet, and gets the point across perfectly.<p>Elizabeth

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

I don't want to take over GIIC's thread, but I'm in a similar situation and I need advice. We're just separated so no formal visitation schedules are in place for the weekends. Weekdays he has Tuesday & Thursday. I have 3 business trips in April for one night each, but I need someone to watch the girls on a non-spouse night for three weeks in a row. I need to plan ahead, but he withdraws and refuses to answer when I ask about these dates. How can I communicate with him to get him to either watch the girls, or agree to live with any alternate arrangements I make without interfering with an innocent babysitter. We can't even schedule one week ahead at this point. I need him to commit either way now so I can schedule the sitter. Please help! I've copied the communcation samples above for future use. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi K-<p>I can't agree enough with what has been said here already. You do not have to talk to him, you do not have to erase his messages so he can get through, etc. You are dealing with a controlling bully. You have started establishing boundaries now stick to your guns. He won't like it, but what choice does he really have? It is his actions that have made you to resort to this in the first place so he has nobody to blame but himself. Don't let him guilt you into anything!<p>Is your April court date only a temporary hearing or the real divorce? If it is only the temporary hearing why do you have to wait so long?<p>You are not anal. Your WH has heeped a pile of crap on you and you are handling it. Don't let him get to you.<p>By the way, I am still waiting for an update on that baby girl! Mine now has four teeth! Nursing has gotten to be a bit rough, how do you explain to a 7 month old that it really hurts when she uses Mom as her teething ring? She is starting to really babble now as well. Unfortunately her favorite saying is DADADADADADADADADADA - She says it repeatedly, not that she knows who or what that is, but it just figures!<p>You're doing a great job, don't forget it. Keep in touch!<p>Good luck and God bless!
K

Thank you Thank you Thank you Everyone!<p>This is exactly the reason why I need to post my questions, because you start to lose your perspective sometimes and you need objective opinions and good advice.<p>Newly - I'd do what the others suggested. Tell your WH that you will be hiring a babysitter fior those dates unless you hear from him by X date. Then if he changes his mind it will be up to him to cancel the babysitter and pay for the babysitter's time that she planned to watch the kids.<p>Ok, now if I can only take my own advice. I have stuck to my guns and will not talk to WH. Although he is not dtarting to sound desparate again.<p>I like the note about what I will accept and what I won't accept. <p>I'll be sending it to him forthwit, and we'll see what happens. He keeps saying the kids are being hurt by this but from what I can tell, he's the only one doing the hurting.<p>About the hearing - it was set right after Easter holidays but then got moved because WH's attorney had another trial on that date. Supposedly WH is changing it from a temporary hearing to a divorce hearing, but I'm waiting to hear about that. If I can just stick to some boundaries then I should be ok until then.<p>And yes, I'm keeping a record of all the crazy things my WH does and the police were called when he was physically abusive to me. He just "snapped" - it was the first time, but I doubt it will be the last - and now OW will have to walk on eggshells to keep away his wrath - he can only hide it for so long.<p>******* BABY UPDATE *********<p>Just had 2 week Dr. appt. - She's 9lbs 8oz., and grew 1/4 of an inch to 21 inches.<p>She is the best baby - so content, happy - I can swear that she smiles in reponse to my voice - and she's a good sleeper. A little on the spoiled side already, as she much prefers to be held than to sleep in her crib, but I love it! Everyone was right when they said that I would really enjoy having a baby girl. She's just wonderful. And her brothers just ADORE her! Unfortunately they are all sick - and WH is using this as an excuse to keep them at his parents with him, but it's better that she stay well, and they'll be back soon enough.<p>Thanks for all the well wishes and replies! K

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

K Still Reeling -
Stick to the nursing, it is a wonderful gift! As soon as that little pooper starts to nibble get her off and set her down for a minute. She'll catch on soon enough!
Want to have a small heart attack? My 4 year old Amanda and I have been discussing weaning lately. She says she thinks she might want to nurse until she is 5! I told her to find someone else to nurse, this party is almost over!<p>K GIIC-
Are you nursing? Everything going ok?<p>
Here's me the boob queen sticking her nose in.
Elizabeth

Yes, I am nursing. Ok, all the guys are going to immediately get off this thread now that we're talking about this....<p>It's going great! I'd did it with all my kids, and although I won't make it util she's 4, I don't have any particulare stopping date in mind. It just gets harder the more kids you have, and now being a single mom and facing going back to work, we'll see - although I know I can pump at work.<p>I hear baby calling for her supper.....gotta go. K

Glad things are going well! Nursing this long was nothing I ever imagined. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I was hoping to make it to the 6 week mark. <p>I guess I made it.<p>You will be a great single mom!<p>Elizabeth

Here you go Boob Queen-<p>I totally love nursing and the bonding time it gives us so I have no intentions of quitting , even though it is a bit painful as of late. I do set her aside when she bites and she looks at me and grins (Maybe she does know what she is doing!) I have also nursed all four. My two older girls both quit at four months (their choice), but my son nursed until he was 27 months (my choice to end). I give you credit, four years is a long time! <p>GIIC- <p>You sound much more upbeat -YEAH! You are handling things so well. Boundaries are important, don't let him get to you. Remember God, the law, and most of humanity are on your side!<p>As for that baby, mine also prefers sleeping with mom and I have to admit I have created a monster because I don't mind. Won't that be a fun one to explain when I get to the point in a new relationship where sleeping together comes up! <p>It is harder to juggle everything as a single mom, but it does get easier. The kids and I have our routine pretty established and things run pretty smoothly most of the time. We also do a hell of a lot more than when I was married-go figure!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

What I wouldn't give for one lacy cute bra for my milkers.<p>Soon enough! I told her she could have a two wheeler if she was weaned.<p>One gal I know from my club nursed till hers was 5 1/2! There is NO way. <p>I might have to consider duct taping them shut.<p>It is so nice to hear of such great mommies like you 2 giving your babies nice milkies! Your chance for breast and ovarian cancer drops dramatically after total nursing time of 14 months. Your child has less chance of developing diabetes, being overweight, having colds & flu while you are nursing, and the best part - it has actually been proven that breastfed babies grow up to have higher IQ's than formula fed. <p>Boob Queen

Hey,<p>IMHO you should be given every deference because you have a newborn infant and you are nursing her. <p>Your needs and the infant's are foremost. STBX's "convenience" will be at the bottom of the list. What is the matter with him, demanding to be taken care of before a newborn infant, insisting on having his whims followed?<p>You're a Momma Bear, an excellent Mommy. Don't be doubting yourself or your perceptions. You're tired, exhausted after pushing out a baby. <p>Follow the other suggestions here, they are helpful, and structure your life and your activities to make things easy for YOU.<p>
By the way, Still Reeling, I nursed our son for 13 months. It was something that we both loved. I never felt so important or so needed, because I was the only one who could give him that special food and comfort.<p>Here's what I did when he bit me: Took my thumb and forefinger and squeezed his cheeks open at the point where his jaw hinged together, and repositioned him. It only happened once or twice. It did not hurt him at all. Also, you want to be sure that baby has the entire areola (the brown area surrounding the nipple) in his/her mouth, and not just the nipple. <p>Our son's first babbles at age 4 months, in the middle of the night as I held him, nursed him, walked him in his favorite position (and he was a MOOSE) were a happy DaDa! Right, while DaDa snored peacefully away in the next room.

It's ridculous and frustrating to be where you are.
Been there done that!
SOLD COPIES lol<p>seriously this is what i did...<p>Messages i told him i will be taping phone conversations and printing out any and all emails.
I used a third party government agency forced by the courts for exchanges of the child.
I threatened him with stalking charges and or tresspassing charges if he ever came to my house uninvited.<p>The government agency i found by calling social services.<p>Everything stopped on his behalf because his manipulations and nasty words would then be held against him.<p>It took a very short time for him to stop.
Now almost 3 years later we talk civil and work together to aviod daycare costs. As you already know as you reponded to my post we spend time together dating. Yes exclusively...
As for text messaging change your # and DO NOT give it to him it's personal use only and not necessary for him to have.<p>Good luck
It won't always be this way [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]