I can not take it anymore. <p>I am aching inside and I don't know how to handle this. As you all may know, I am currently separated from my H because he was verbally abusive, etc. Of course, there's really a LOT more, but let's just use that as a summary for now, shall we? Currently, he is going to counseling and anger management classes, and this is good, but he still hurts me with his words. Lately, his counselor suggested a prescription that might be helpful to him, and I am proud to say that he not only got the prescription, but also had it filled and is taking the medicine. YAY! Good for him!<p>Here's my problem. Because of the anger and the slicing, vicious words, we are currently separated-living in separate houses and everything. As a general rule I enjoy my life and my kids and my work and the pets and the house because for the most part I'm not getting yelled at as much. I'm also learning that when I am yelled at, I can CHOOSE to not listen to it by walking away, driving away, calmly hanging up (and not calling back), etc. So that's the good part. But in my heart of hearts, I miss being married!!! I miss having someone to sit around with, talk to, and share with. I miss having someone who cares about me and whom I care about. I want to be able to be loving and smooshy with someone and have that person be loving and smooshy back!<p>Don't get me wrong, I care about my H still and I'm not "going astray" by looking at other guys or going out on dates. It's just … well … my top EN's are Affection, Admiration, Openness and Honesty, Conversation, and SF!! I enjoy being affectionate, which translates into "romantic" for me (since I'm the big Feeler chick that I am). I like to send cards and do massages and make treasure hunts and send "I love you" emails and go on dates and hold hands and kiss and light candles AND ALL OF THAT. And I would LIKE that kind of stuff to be done to me. Trouble is, since we're separated right now, it just isn't. Plus, even if we were living in the same house, this is not the way that Affection is expressed (isn't that nice and politically correct?). <p>Soooo…I'm thinking to myself, "Look, CJ, you are separated right now. DEAL WITH IT. Your EN's are not going to be met right now, and don't expect them to be met by your H. ACCEPT IT." See Happy_Husb-I'm modifying my expectations. But, I'm going bananas. If someone were to come along and tell me I'm smart, funny, and beautiful-and WANT to be close to me and kiss me-and admire all the little things I do-and ENJOY spending time talking with me, and seem to be attracted to me physically, I would be DEAD BAIT. I mean it. <p>Then I think to myself, "CJ, don't be such a fool. You can get some of your needs met through other means or other people-like friends or co-workers or kids." HOW DO I DO THAT?? How do I fill my need for Affection from friends, co-workers and kids?? HUH??? How about Admiration? Okay-I could work for the gold star or some recognition. My kids could tell me they appreciate all the little things I do to take care of them. Openness and Honesty?? What-listen to and tell secrets with a co-worker? Reveal my deepest thoughts to a friend? Why? I don't want to marry my friend!! Conversation-okay I see that one. I can talk my brains out to a few close people and be talkative but discreet with some others. But SF is still a bust! <p>I'm going nuts here. I can't get any of my top needs met but TALKING, and to be honest, I get sick of talking sometimes and want to get down to ACTION. I want to see some movement, and getting ahead, and progress. Let's MOVE! Here I am, still wanting Affection but feeling like I'm not even on my H's radar screen. Sigh.<p>Does anyone have any ideas for me???

Have you considered doing some volunteer work in an enviroment that would involve some of the things you miss? Maybe involving kids, or older folks (notice the safety from sf [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). In such settings admiration, honesty and openess, affection are all possible, and very rewarding. You are quite correct in avoiding looking to anything resembling the male gender and within 30 years of your age [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] for such things...if you inadvertently meet the right male your world will change, including your understanding of your marriage and what to do about it. If your marriage is going to end, your life will be much better if it ends on it's own.....<p>Personally I think you have done the right thing. Use your time alone to assess what you really want out of life, and how well you actually fit with your H, and whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with him, or are settling (a pro/con orientation). I believe in passion (about life), and think it is a reasonable barometer to assess whether a relationship is a healthy/nurturing/safe/joyous place....if it is lacking, or reduced to a "decison", I think that is a slow death for empathic personalites (a small % of the population, and their needs usually overlooked). I am curious, do you "think" (feel) your H efforts are just about getting you back, or evidence of a fundamental desire to change who he is? Do you think he is capable of being the kind of mate you need? (no judgement re right or wrong, maybe he is a great guy in roles other than fw husband).

((((((((((CJ))))))))))<p>Ahhh, sister, I understand what you mean. <p>I learned from my counselor that I was going to have to affirm myself. In part to try to record over all those self-talk tapes that had been recorded over the years. And in part because no one else was around to do this most of the time. So, more than once, I made lists of postitive stuff about myself.<p>And it became increasingly important for me to engage in some of my hobbies. Through exercising them in ways that friends could see (such as sewing gorgeous clothes for my children), I could get the recognition and admiration I needed. It took me a while to learn that some of my sewing definitely was a form of taking care of myself. To medicate loneliness because I didn't think about that while I was concentrating on a problem. It met the need for affirmation by my peers. And it met a practical need in a more cost effective method than shopping for readymade heirloom clothes.<p>I became very active in my children's schools. I had friends all over the buildings. (In fact, this is the second greatest beef I have with working full time. The largest is the trouble with before and after school care and activities.)<p>As for SF, I just had to cope. Spent a lot of time discussing the situation with a friend whose husband had died five years earlier. One of her women's groups heard how long she had 'gone without' and decided that she was a virgin though her son had long since graduated from high shool. It was their decision that 5 years without sex qualified one for reinstatement as a virgin. <p>Since I had not originally lost my virginity through a consensual choice, I thought this sounded like a chance to start over, so I thought I would hold out for that. I made it. Kind of proud of that. Though I spent many months hot and bothered. And since there's no one handy to meet that need these days, I generally avoid steamy scenes in movies. The steamier it is, the more likely I am to avoid that movie - or to fast forward over that scene - kind of like burying my head in the sand.<p>So, CJ, this is where you have to become creative. Look at the ENs you have. You may need to reframe them and redefine them. You may have to become more emotionally self sufficient.<p>I read Terry Waite's autobiography and he said something which was attributed to Augustine and which profoundly affected me:<p>To have peace, you must know yourself. And to know yourself, you must be alone.<p>I know your h has traveled a lot for business and you spent quite a while separated earlier. And this doesn't seem fair since you have worked so hard. But, right now, this is what your life is. So, fall in love with CJ. Learn to see her for the wonderful, special person she is. <p>Talk to your counselor. Work out things you can do for yourself. Don't wait for someone else to do for you what you can do for yourself.<p>[ April 12, 2002: Message edited by: cinderella ]</p>

I'm in a similar spot CJ. Separated 2+ months, and finding myself very vulnerable (and men very appealing!). My kitty's been sick, and her vet is a sexy, single, attractive man. Oh, the thoughts going through my mind! I haven't come face to face with a situation where a man is actively pursuing, but I worry too that I'd be dead bait, as you put it. I can only hope that I have more self control than I know about! My appreciation for the word vulnerable has increased a thousand fold. <p>Fortunately, I'm working day and night and have no time for a social life. Here's what I visualize that I find helpful when I start thinking about men. I picture myself as a brand new seedling, ready and anxious for growth. At this stage, one wind or hail storm, and I'm a goner! So I picture a seedling underneath a glass dome used for protection of small plants. After a bit of strength and growth have occurred, I'll be ready to face a storm or two without insulation. <p>You stay out of trouble now CJ!! I'll try to do the same. It sure is tough, isn't it??

Geez CJ, do I have to show you everything? I could go into detail about fufulling certain needs but I think they'd probably shut the site down.<p>Well sweet William here has done a pretty good job a meeting my own needs, well all but physical affection. First I've done a lot of volunteering and helping out at church. Started teaching the adult sunday school class, read scriptures, take the cash, choir, etc... It really surprised me how much of an affect that had. I also coach many sports for my girls. Plus I've got a pretty good opposit sex friend network. These friends can be very rewarding but as we've talked in the past, they can also cause a great deal of pain, so you have to be careful.<p>If all else fails, I get on the horn and talk to some of my MB Buddies.