Hello all, below is a very rough draft of a letter that I'm thinking of sending my X. I'm not necessarily looking for it to change what she is doing, if it does then great. I'm anticipating that we may end up in a legal battle soon and I'm hoping that it will atleast show my attempts to co-parent and concerns about the girls..<p>Please Read, make suggestions for additions or subtraction, tell me I'm stupid, just please Comment, THANK YOU....<p>Dear XXXXX,<p>Your attitude and actions of late have me extremely concerned about the environment our children are being exposed to and the life lessons that they are being taught. The current situation does not contribute to &#8220;the best interest of the child&#8221; and I fear that it will affect the mental health and emotional stability in the future. I&#8217;d like to take a minute to share with you some of my concerns:<p>a. The other evening when I was talking with Corissa she was openly upset and attempting to tell me what was wrong. Instead of allowing her to talk with me in her own words you began yelling in the background telling her what she needed to say and basically trying to get her to see that it was my fault for her current mood. Arguing through a child and using them as a messenger in no way will lead to any type of healthy relationship.<p>b. I&#8217;ve noticed lately that I am seeing less and less school papers. Most of these I&#8217;m sure are just the usual cute work but some of them that I&#8217;ve missed have been important papers about the children&#8217;s activities. I&#8217;m sure that we both want to see all their works and know about all the things going on at school. I asked the girls for help on this the other night and Cori told it was going to be hard to help because you are throwing the papers away before she can show them to me. Please give me some help in this area.<p>c. I am extremely upset about the softball meeting that you failed to call me about. I agreed that Jessica and Mykiala could play on this team and you told me the meeting was on Tuesday night. You knew that I planned on attending and that I was anxious to talk with the coach to see about assisting her. Obviously for reasons beyond your control the meeting was moved to Monday and you attended without informing me about it. I know that you had atleast 15 minutes notice, which is the amount of time it would of taken me to get there. Then when I asked you about it you sarcastically replied &#8220;I didn&#8217;t want to bother you&#8221;. What kind of response is that? I always have been and will continue to be totally involved in their lives, actions such as these hamper that ability, again to the benefit of no one but at a cost to the children.<p>d. A couple weeks ago when Jessica had lied to me about shaving her legs. You insisted upon a discipline and I enforced it, so not to override you. My concern is that while Jessica was with you that week the discipline was not enforced. We have to have a united front on discipline or we are doing a terrible disservice to our girls.<p>e. While we are on the subject of deceit let&#8217;s talk about what happened at the dentist&#8217;s office. When you walked into the dentist office with the girls you whispered something in Myki&#8217;s ear. Like a good parent I was back with the kids while they were with dentist, came out when it was over and Myki was gone. Come to find out that OM had picked her up to play with his daughter, not a big deal right? What did you whisper to her? According to Myki you told her not to tell me that she was leaving, continuing her education in the art of deception. And we wonder why our children lie? And you wonder why I don&#8217;t support your relationship with OM?<p>f. I asked to keep the girls overnight after baton on Myki&#8217;s birthday since you were working until 11pm and you pulled Myki out of school to spend time with her during the day. Of course, your reply was no. So rather than being at home with her father on her birthday, Myki is forced to stay at your house with no parent around. Please explain to me how that is in her &#8220;Best Interest&#8221;.<p>g. I understand that you&#8217;ve been rallying support from the girls to change schools, again. We had agreed to talk to them about school after the school year was over and not to burden them with the confrontation before that. I understand your tactics and once again don&#8217;t believe that it&#8217;s in their best interest to try to influence their attitudes in this manner. You know I find it kind of ironic that when we moved to Tescott, we told many people that we did it to get our children in a small town and out of Salina schools. Then when you moved to Minneapolis, at our first school conference you told me how great the school was. Now all of a sudden small town schools don&#8217;t offer them enough opportunities and Salina school is where they need to be. This is obviously an issue that we are going to need to discuss with each other as well as the girls, putting their best interests ahead of our selfish desires. <p>h. It&#8217;s my understanding that you are planning on cohabitating with OM. I should say it&#8217;s a rumor because the last time I asked you about it you told me that you didn&#8217;t know what you were going to do but Jessica is writing his address on school papers as her next address. Let me just say that if you do this I am saddened that you are selfishly putting our children into that situation. Cohabitation relationships have over an eighty percent failure rate once again setting our children up for pain. Add to that the school issues that will needlessly arise and to me it just looks like a no win situation, for the girls that is.<p>You know there was a time not to long ago that you wanted to see the girls every morning before school on the days I had them, what happened to that? That and a whole bunch of things have continued to just not matter anymore. You are affecting our ability to co-parent and quite frankly that&#8217;s just sad. I have real and genuine concerns about the morals our daughters are learning and stability of the environment you are creating. We need to get back on the same level and teach our children the path that they should follow by example.<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</p>

LH - I hope you feel better writing this out and posting it. My advice is not sending it to her, unless you really think it would make a difference in her future behavior. Probably not, right?<p>Just some general suggestions on dealing with this stuff:

• Keep a log or diary.
• Talk to the schools, coaches, kid's friend's parents, etc., make sure they have your phone number. Make sure they know you remain deeply involved with your kids. Most people will be supportive.
• Focus on doing good things with your kids when you have them. If they start talking about W or OM, change the subject.
• Read Divorce Poison, this helps you to recognize the signs of alienation in advance. It can also help you avoid over-reacting to single incidents.

I know it's a constant battle.<p>- Tom

LH,<p>you need to write in the active voice,not the passive voice. . . examples:<p>Your attitude and actions of late have me extremely concerned about the environment our children are being exposed to and the life lessons that they are being taught. The current situation does not contribute to “the best interest of the child” and I fear that it will affect the mental health and emotional stability in the future. I’d like to take a minute to share with you some of my concerns:<p>
would be better written:<p>I am extremely concerned about the environment to which our children are being exposed and about the life lessons that they are being taught. I am fearful that the current (what type of situation, living? parenting discord? fighting? or the continued degradation of your coparenting skills) situation will affect the emotional stability of the children. I’d like to take a minute to share with you some of my concerns:<p>a. The other evening when Corissa was talking with me, she was openly upset and I was trying to understand me what was wrong. I cannot understand her while you are yelling in the background. Please allow Corissa to tell me her side of the story so that her feelings can be validated by both of us.<p>b. I am seeing less and less school papers lately. Some of them that I’ve missed have been important papers about the children’s activities. I asked the girls for help on this (this what? situation) the other night and Cori said helping me was going to be hard because the papers are thrown away before she can show them to me. I need some help in this area.<p>c. I am extremely upset about the softball meeting that I missed. I agreed that Jessica and Mykiala could play on this team. I was anxious to talk with the coach to see about assisting her. When the meeting was moved to Monday, I was not informed on a timely basis to make the meeting. I always have been and will continue to be supportive of their activities, whether i assist or spectate. I will make future arrangements to be notified separately, however, i would appreciate notification on last minute changes such as this past week.<p>d. A couple weeks ago when Jessica had lied to me about shaving her legs. You insisted upon a discipline and I enforced it, i would like to continue showing a united front to the kids. If we don't, we are doing a terrible disservice to our girls.<p>
that's all for now, it gets harder with phone calls, working with kids on book reports, and the specific examples. However, notice the I statements, and the very few X references. the sentences were rewritten to reflect directness, and active actions. . . This type of writing will be more persuasive with most everyone, as it has no DJs and no direct blame, but the reader knows where the blame lies, if she has a conscience. . . .<p>wiftty<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Bill, <p>As in navigating most minefields, your best bet is to keep emotions out of it (he he he) and to stick to facts, and specific requests for what you want.<p>Examples: <p>instead of saying:
"Arguing through a child and using them as a messenger in no way will lead to any type of healthy relationship", <p>say:
"I ask that you bring any issues you have directly to me, instead of through child"<p>instead of saying:
"What did you whisper to her? According to Myki you told her not to tell me that she was leaving, continuing her education in the art of deception. And we wonder why our children lie? And you wonder why I don’t support your relationship with OM?"<p>say something like:
"I would like you to join me in showing the children, by example, that honesty is the best policy" (probably a disaster in the making, since she'll realize that you are calling her a liar).<p>Instead of:
"I asked the girls for help on this the other night and Cori told it was going to be hard to help because you are throwing the papers away before she can show them to me. Please give me some help in this area"<p>Say:
"I would like to see their school papers after you are finished looking at them".<p>Overall, I would list all of your issues (just like you did), but strip away the emotions, and specify the behaviors you would like her to change. Easier said than done, I know, especially because like most divorced people, the last thing she will probably want to do is to be "controlled" in any way by an X... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>AGG<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: AGoodGuy ]</p>

Okay, you asked for it--you got it!<p>My overall reaction to this, if I were Idiot Girl, would be to be pissed off. Well, first, I have to try to understand Idiot Girl's way of thinking and that's hard!! Next, once I've slipped into her way of thinking (YUCK) I'd read this letter and think you are pretty much just blaming me and trying to control what I do, when I do it, and who I do it with. My reaction (as Idiot Girl) would be to say, "OH YEAH! Well, we'll just see about that!" <p>Now, I think in real life you have some legitimate concerns here, but I doubt if pointing fingers at I.G. will straighten her out. She's not thinkin' straight, remember?? She's thinkin' only of herself, remember? So...I suggest writing it from the point of view of "What's in it for HER"<p>You wrote:
a. "Arguing through a child and using them as a messenger in no way will lead to any type of healthy relationship." She'll think: "So what? I don't want a healthy relationship with you. And I tell my D what to do, not the other way around." So, what's in it for her? <p>b. Seeing less school papers--throwing papers away. What does she care if you don't see the girls' papers? She sees them! You look bad, not her. So how about if you suggest one "parent folder" for each girl, and all papers for parents stay in those folders until both parents have initialled the paper? If I.G. refuses to be cooperative, speak to your attorney and see if there are any legal things you can do such as putting it into the divorce agreement. Then if she doesn't cooperate she's in legal trouble. If there's nothing legal you can do, what else is in it for I.G.? Make it worth her while to cooperate.<p>c. Softball meeting. "J" and "M" are on the team now, right? So once again, what does I.G. care if you don't come or not? It means nothing to her. Remember, everything from her is from a selfish point of view. If she's the only parent who shows up, it looks like she's the only parent who cares! So call the softball coach yourself and explain to the coach what's going on a little. See if the coach will communicate through you (give you papers, schedules, maps, etc.).<p>d. Discipline for lying about shaving legs. Gee--are you seeing a pattern here? What does she care if she looks like the good guy for letting "J" get away with it while you look like the meany because you disciplined "J"? She doesn't!! In fact, it is to I.G.'s benefit that she be the mom who let's them have fun, and you be the dad who's a meany!!! So duh! How would it be to I.G.'s benefit to join you in a united front to discipline the girls?? Trying to cry "best interest of the child" is just not going to work because all she cares about is herself!!!<p>e. Lying at the dentist's office. Okay, personally I think this is your sore spot because you are sore about the OM. BTW, it is understandable that you'd be sore about him, but frankly this one seems a little bit like the brother who says, "Well she started it!!" This is worth documenting, but only for the purpose of establishing a pattern of lying for when you go for full custody. No need to bring it up to Idiot Girl.<p>f. "M" at home alone on her birthday. Are you seeing the pattern yet?? It was I.G.'s day. Why should she think of you or her daughter?? What's in it for her? Nothing?? Well then forget it. Her motivation is clearly NOT to do what is best for the kids. She how can you make letting "M" come over on her birthday while I.G. works until 11pm a benefit for I.G.??<p>g. Changing Schools again. AH HA!! Now we finally get to one of the two things that are REALLY bothering you!! Personally, I would keep the other six things on a list, as documentation for getting custody, but deal with I.G. about these last two issues, because these are the biggies. See, don't you get it? It is in I.G.'s best interest to move in with Grampa (free rent and sugar daddy), and who cares if she has to drag the girls along. They're young...they'll be okay. If I.G. is happy, the kids must be, right?? So, THIS is the issue that needs to be addressed and probably one of the two hills you want to die on from a legal standpoint. As I understand it, you two both have 50/50 custody, right? So there must be SOME mention in your divorce about the girls' school. If there isn't, see if a lawyer can get something in there about it now! But bear in mind that you will not be able to reason with her. She's not going to say, "Well, now that is a logical argument...I'm gonna listen to you." Heck no! She'll probably fight for the right to change schools just because it will piss you off! So, knowing that she just loves to resist you, think. What's in it for her to keep them where they are or in <your town's> schools?? I suggest, "If you would consider putting them in <my town's> schools, I would be able to do a lot more of the transportation and stuff, and you would be a lot more free to pursue your career and be with Grampa." (I'm holding your hair back and quickly handing you a trash can). Maybe she'll like the idea of not being so burdened with the girls and being more free to be with the Grey One.<p>h. Shacking up with OM (otherwise known as I.G. for Idiot Grampa). Well...see above. This IS a hill to die on, and I'd definitely bring the lawyers into this one. This is no environment for the girls. <p>Gosh, after this long diatribe, I'm tired!!! Hope you find it helpful though! {{{{{{{{{{LostHusband}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>
BTW--can you come out and play??<p>
CJ