I often seem to find myself with more in common with the WS/OP crowd.<p>I did not have a PA/OM until after the final separation, but to the dismay of many, it was before the divorce was final. XH and I both had EA's and he may have had a PA prior to separation. I am the one who left. The EA's were not why I left... well, it was a different kind of EA ... Emotional Abuse. I'll call it VA (verbal abuse) to prevent confusion, although it went far beyond words.<p>So, I find myself with more sympathy for the WS/OP here than most, although it is limited, as the first OM in my life appeared immediately after separation. <p>Thing #1 I did right: we did not show affection, hold hands, etc. or anything like that in front of the kids. When that short-lived relationship ended, they were not affected deeply like they would have been if I were A.) behaving like boyfriend/girlfriend in front of them or B.) putting him ahead of them.<p>When he disappeared from their life, they asked about him once or twice, and before a year had passed, forgot his name!<p>When I was in the fog, I justified bringing him around the kids by saying that they needed to see me treated well by a male person. They should not have met him or any male so soon after I left their father.<p>When I was in the fog, it seemed perfectly logical to discuss living together, getting married, and having kids with this person. (Again, NOT around the kids!) The fog started to lift when it got so serious so soon. It was so nice to be treated kindly after years of VA. But key EN's were not being met ... and I ended this relationship rather abruptly ... let's just say the fog lifted overnight!!<p>end of Part 1 ...<p>[ May 20, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

Part 2 ...<p>The second OM before the divorce was final, came into my life like a tornado. Unlike the first, he did not profess his undying love for me within the first week. We didn't talk about the future. But we did not refrain from contact in front of the kids. Everything was different now. How, I couldn't say.<p>I was supposed to be only a month away from the divorce being final ... I felt I was out of the fog ... had already had a rebound ... I had time to heal, I had learned from my mistakes, I was ready, right? The fog was gone, right?<p>I'll tell you with sincerity, I don't believe that I'm in the fog now. I know I was immediately after separation ... but I'm not sure I was when things started up with my current BF. <p>I can't justify bringing him around the kids when we didn't have a formal "serious" relationship. It just felt right.<p>I can't justify being affectionate with him in front of the kids. It just seemed right. Different this time.<p>If my XH came on here, he would probably sound a lot like the BW's and BH's here. Going on about how evil his XW is for bringing the kids around the OM. How she does things with OM and kids she didn't do with him. How he can't believe how insensitive his XW is to be all smoochy and mushy with OM in front of the kids and let them play with OM's kid like one big happy family ...<p>How is my story different than the WS's I hear so much about here? I didn't leave my XH for the OM. We're not living together. We're not engaged or married. We don't spend every moment together, ignoring the kids' needs. We certainly don't call up the XH during sex. (!!!!) <p>It could be a different kind of fog than the truly insensitive X's and OP's are in ... it could be that I'm not in the fog at all and that I'm just moving on. I can't say for sure.<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

PBC,
I think the "fog" can envelop anyone, any time for anything. It can be in relationships or hobbies or work.<p>That particular "thing" just becomes the most important thing in our lives.

Thick, heavy fog surrounded my Internet EA, early in 2000 ... I would daydream about making an impossible move across country ... without my kids if necessary which looking back I can't imagine how lost in the fog I was to even think of that!!!! Spooky ...<p>However, it's never been like that since, even with the first quick rebound, my kids were always first before my BF, and it was a huge problem that he didn't feel comfortable around them, he didn't want to be left alone with them for me to run to the corner store!! I never put his needs before theirs, ignored them to spend time with him, etc. So I wonder if it was really more "typical rebound" than the full-blown fog that usually surrounds an affair.<p>The passion and obsession for one another that defines most affairs was not present. I felt love, but he was more like a father figure to me, and that was a huge factor in me moving on ... my current BF is at the other extreme ... consuming passion ... love with ferocity, as if we lived for each other, BUT without dependence on each other for happiness ... I don't feel like I couldn't live without him. And that doesn't mean that I don't want to live the rest of my life with him - I do - but I have grown as a person so much, that I no longer feel like I need another person to be whole. That is how I felt when I first left my XH... needy, incomplete.

PB,<p>Your honesty is refreshing. I especially liked reading where you talked about being in such a fog that you thought and did things that were so unlike you. <p>I guess never really being in a fog, at least not to that extent, I often wondered if people on here didn't exagerate the fog of their spouse, but reading what you wrote makes it more clear to me that more than likely there is a fog that makes a person a complete alien (as we often call WS's on IM).<p>Thanks for the insight and sharing some of your deepest feelings.<p>ANNA

PB,<p>Thinking more about your post...<p>First, I was thinking, that it seems like even after coming out of the fog that not once did you look back and want to go back to your exspouse. <p>I think often, spouses think once the fog is lifted they will come back, but you've proven that it's not in all cases...of course as you said, you didn't leave for "another male", so there may be a difference.<p>Second, I keep thinking about your statement regarding if your spouse was on here, you would be this evil person and we would never know the abuse he put you through. <p>Which, makes me think...What do we really know about anyone posting? Most of the time, we only know one side? Why isn't there any BSs with alcohol, physical or verbal abuse, drug problems, mental problems....? <p>Who are we supporting? Are we doing the right thing giving support to people we don't know? (waiting for some flames on that one.)<p>Well, just like you, I have trouble putting myself in either category of BS or WS, because I didn't leave my spouse, he left me, but I did want him to go, I didn't divorce him, he divorce me, but again, I wanted it, and also, because I didn't cheat on him, but again, I told him, if he didn't go, it would be a matter of time...although I tend to support BS over WS. I guess I should think people should be more honest. It's wrong of spouses to cheat and not give the other spouse a clue about what's going on until it's too late.<p>Anyway, your post just made me think tonight.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Anna,<p>It's not that I don't feel for the BS's here ... I am as much of a BS as a WS if not more ... but I see a lack of "here is what I did wrong" and a surplus of "here is what they did to me".<p>I am guilty of the same thing. It is very hard to come up with positive things to say about my XH, but I did marry him after all!! I posted some time ago, encouraging BS's to reveal some of the things they may have done wrong, hoping that it would help them as much as it has helped me, and got a tiny response as compared to the number of people (not knocking these people, I'm one of them!) who jump on the threads about what the bad WS did this time.<p>Think about it. Pretend you are your WS, and post a message from their POV. Include nothing negative about "yourself" (the WS), but list all of the flaws in the BS (you) that the WS would see.<p>People just aren't very comfortable doing that.<p>[ May 22, 2002: Message edited by: Princess Buttercup ]</p>

I wanted to post this link as a wake-up call.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=004748<p>After I left my XH, I found and read a dozen emails between him and this OW he'd been chatting with for months. She was talking about leaving her husband and hooking up with him. She loved my XH based on the picture of himself he had presented to her online ... this poor victim of a controlling, mental case wife he believed himself to be ...