I'm new to the site, so bear with me if I don't have down all of the lingo. Here is my story. I've been married to my wife for 3 years and together for 8. Everything was going great in our relationship, or so I thought, and we seemed to be the model couple. However a month ago, I got the same wake-up call that seems to be common among the WS stories I have read on here..."love, but not in love"..."no intimacy" yada,yada. Of course this was a shocker to me. Like I said, in my mind everything was going great...we never fought, spent all of our time together, joked around all of the time, worked on projects together and supported each other mentally and through all other problems (graduate school, parent problems, etc.) Sex of course slowed down, but I just figured that was normal since we had been together for so long. I never pressured her anyway. <p>Up until the day that she "accidentally" dropped the bomb on me, she was still telling me she loved me, always doing things for me, buying me cards and gifts, even on the week before, for no apparent reason. Once the bomb dropped, it just kept snowballing and I got the typical reaction for the WS. She entered the fog and I found out about the OM. Supposedly nothing has happened except conversation for 2 months until this point (which I truly believe) but she wanted to pursue it. She told me that she wanted a divorce and she can't do this without getting one. She says she just doesn't have feelings for me anymore. She quickly became a stranger that I could no longer talk to and she put up a wall and became cold to me. We never had a serious argument until this came about. She filed for divorce right away and I fought it as much as I could. That made things worse so I agreed to do it amicably, because I wasn't sure what else to do. I found out about this last month and the divorce will be final this month (ever heard of something move so quickly??). She is determined to end this so that she can pursue OM. I tried everything in my power to figure out what is going on and I know that the lack of intimacy (even though I have always been romantic to her) is the thing pushing her into the arms of this other guy. I still love her and I think she is making a quick decision that she will regret afterwards.<p>Since the divorce is moving so quickly, I have to look at this marriage and this divorce as just "pieces of paper" for now and that I will give her up completely to hope that she comes back after the fog clears. I'm trying to lose the battle in the short term to hopefully win the war in the long run. I haven't seen any stories where the divorce was the first option and pursued so rapidly, so I don't know if Plan B would help out. I think I have always filled all of the other needs for her in years past and maybe the intimacy is winning out right now. She has always been a sweet caring person who has always been a good wife to me, but it is so hard to deal with her now that she sees me as the enemy. I'm a very caring and understanding person and we have always had great communication about every part of our lives, but for the first time, I cannot talk to her at all anymore. I'm not just losing my wife, I'm losing my best friend and it hurts so much to lose them at the same time and so fast. I moved out about 2 weeks ago into an apartment and picked up my stuff from the house just this last friday, and she is keeping the house that we just bought together in November. We were just starting to do good financially and were supposedly happy about our future together. I even have plenty of emails from her from work up until D-Day where she would email me to cheer her up about work and she would always laugh, thank me, and tell me how much she loved me. Also she hasn't had many partners before we got together...she was 19 at the time and had low self esteem. She has never been hurt by love and maybe she will need to fall on her face by love to see what she has here at home. If anybody has any suggestions or words of wisdom or even something to make me feel better, I would greatly appreciate it. <p>I'm not a very jealous husband (although it hurts still), and if this divorce and affair is what it takes to get her back, then I will try to get through this. I'm hoping that this is one of those things where "absense makes the heart grows fonder" or "if you love someone enough, you have to let them go and see if they return." I don't want her to come back to me because I asked her, but because she wants to. I told her I love her very much and will step down and that I wouldn't be baggage in the affair and that was the first time she was nice again to me by saying that she appreciated me saying that. I also told her that I'm not mad at her because she had a change of heart, but if she ever changes it back, not to let her pride get in the way to give me a call and we'll just go from there and start over. I told her she wouldn't be coming back to a stuggling marriage but to a new beginning as friends and work our way from there. I also told her that I didn't want to remain her friend during this time, mainly because I don't want that to be the end result of us...just being friends....I said "I don't want your friendship, I want your heart" and she told me that she can't give that to me right now. Does anybody think that she will see things differently down the road...Will she have regrets about the divorce once the fog settles or if the affair somehow ends down the road? I want her back and I promise myself that I will never ask questions about this time apart, only if she will come back to me. I can get over the hurt now, if she would just come back to me later on. I really believe we were great soul partners, and maybe one guy came by and told her she was pretty and made her feel like somebody and that sparked some interest that she might have had over the years as the intimacy decreased. I'm also concerned at how I will compete with him after this is all done. I'm been doing the divorce diet since this happened and lost 30 pounds, plus I've been exercising like crazy to look more appealing to her (I put on some weight during marriage...but I am now back to where I was when I first met her.) This guy is a big work-out-a-holic, so I'm hoping that I can be bigger at it since now I have more time to do it than him. For the first time, I'm actually getting toned nicely. I'm doing other things to improve as well (learning to cook, do laundry, become better organized,etc.) because I wouldn't want her to come back to the same person. I don't want her to see all of these new changes in me yet, until the fog clears up...if it ever does. Please help...my daily mood swings on this hurt too much to do this by myself and it would be great to get some support. This site has already helped me a great deal.

runawaytrain:<p>I'm sorry for the pain your going thru at the moment because it is one of the most intensely negative experiences that a human beign can be subjected to. I know, I've been there myself.<p>I hope that you keep on posting because this is a great place to not only get practical advice on marriage related issues from people that have already been where you are - all of us [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] - but also because this is a place where you can share your feelings and get plenty of support.<p>Take consolation that your wife is going from a relationship based on reality to one based on fantasy. Sure she is right now high on OM but just wait until she starts living day after day with OM. It will be inevitable that problems will start to arise - just like in any relationship - and she will not be able but to compare the OM with you. The statistics are stacked against her relationship with OM working out and if the OM turns out to be just using her for sex - which is mostly the case in extra marital affairs - , she will feel used and regret ever having divorced you in the first place.<p>I have been divorced for two years now and I must tell you that following the principles in the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''Love busters' and 'His needs Her needs' has not only opened my eyes - talk about the sleeper having awaken [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] - to how men and women fall into affairs, but more importantly is how they turn a relationship into an almost affair proof one where both spouses communicate and learn to satisfy each others needs in a non threatening way. So I suggest to you to get those books and really apply those principles because if and when you are involved in another relationship with your soon to be x-wife or another woman, you'll be so far ahead of many men that get married without the slightest clue what they're getting into.<p>So welcome to the club that nobody should be a member of.<p>Joe

you give her a divorce, but you remain firm in your position of what you want financially. . . she will probably then agree to most of it. . .<p>do not slow it down, let her go as fast as possible, and tell her you love her, and wish her well in life, and oh, before you go, please fill out the emotional needs questionaire for me. . .<p>thanks<p>
the reason is that she will probably fall flat on her face. . . and making it difficult will only build resentment with her. . . but you still remain "friendly," not a friend, different concepts,
friends look out for one another, have fun together, want to spend time together.
friendly describes your demeanor, attitude when talking to her. . .<p>you will be friendly. . . and then just let her go as fast as possible. . . so that she can move from one person to another person as fast as possible which gives them the most shock value. . . and thereby stimulating regrets. . .<p>good luck. . .<p>wiftty

You are getting some good advice on this one.

I too, found out about my WS affairs rather swiftly, even though it was going on behind my back for quite some time.

I initiated the D, however. Too much too soon, much damage done.

Went through pretty much the same thing as your describing in your situation.

It's a horrible feeling, but I think if you do move on D now, even though I don't advocate D, it may save your future plans with your WS and you may have a chance to put it back together.

It's a gamble for sure, but at least you won't waste 2 years like I did, trying to put it back together, when in fact it is over.

Cut your loses (as painful as it might be), and hope for the best. Once the fog lifts from your W (and it will eventually), then and only then will you have a chance at putting your life with her back together.

Sorry your here, but we know what you are going through.

There is good advice on this board, it's helped me a lot.

Stay strong!

Wallace

Thank you all for the quick responses. I never imagined this would happen to me, being that we were always both very giving in our relationship. There were no signs of her unhappiness at all (except the decrease in sex drive) and yet she seemed to have underneath, I imagine.<p>My only hope is that this is your typical guy who is only out for one thing, but you can never know for sure. She told me that he told her that he didn't want her to divorce over him and she saw this as a good quality. But coming from a guy's perspective, I'm hoping that means that he isn't in it for the long haul. Hopefully with the rapid divorce, she can hope for a relationship that won't be there for her and the fog will lift eventually. Maybe it would have been harder if we struggled to make it work first before the divorce...I really don't know at this point. But I do know that she wasn't willing to give it any chance at all. She wouldn't seek a separation, or marriage counseling or even an intimacy book that I bought. She told me she made up her mind. I told her that I was hurt that there wasn't even one good thing in our marriage that would allow for her to try and she said nothing. This is so not like her. This is not her personality as I have said before...she has always been a very caring loving person. Somehow I think this guy somehow swept her off of her feet and she has never come down to see what is here in front of her.<p>It's so strange because she has always told people how good I was to her and now she doesn't want to see it anymore. I hate that I'm getting a divorce, but right now I'm not looking at semantics, I don't have to be married to her...I just want her. I know it does no good to beg her to stay and I pray and hope that she does so at her own will because she wants to. I'm just so scared that this guy might have some of the qualities that I have, but that he won't be able to keep it going the 8 years that I have. Everything is about the butterflies in the stomach when you first meet someone and you don't see what they are really like. I hope her expectations are greater than his so that she can fall. I hope with a divorce, the relationship goes beyond just a sexual one so that his true colors could come out and the relationship could die, so I don't have to deal with the problems of him being around later....and I hope this all happens soon. Every day without her is the longest day of my life and I can't stand it anymore. I would change or do anything for her and I love her so much and I just wish the pain would somehow stop. She really was my soul mate and my best friend and I would do anything to get her back [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by runawaytrain:
<strong>from a guy's perspective, I'm hoping that means that he isn't in it for the long haul. </strong><hr></blockquote>
Hello, Runaway,
Welcome to the "club" NO ONE wants to belong to.
You make some good points here. I would be willing to bet he's not in it for the long haul, either! It doesn't really sound like it, does it, from his words to her about NOT wanting her to divorce for him? You just need to wait this out. Time is on your side, even tho your divorce stuff is on a fast-track. They all do this. If you had had enough time, Yes, you could probably have slowed it down, but it's all moot now, isn't it? Can't cry over spilled milk.<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I do know that she wasn't willing to give it any chance at all. She wouldn't seek a separation, or marriage counseling or even an intimacy book that I bought. <hr></blockquote></strong>
I understand about the "give us one last chance to fix things." My WH wasn't willing to do anything either. When he left, it's like his mind was made up, and that was the end of it! Never mind that I knew NOTHING until I got home and he was gone! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It's probably best to keep all your newly-learned info to yourself for now. In fact, take this time to learn more. I know you said you're thinning down (already a member of THAT club!!), and that you've got a few "relationship" books that she wouldn't look at. Have you read everything else from this site? The Concepts Pages? Have you read "How Affairs Begin," and "How Affairs End"? You can use this time very wisely be educating yourself on relationship skills that must have been lacking (if they weren't, then NONE of us would be here now, would we? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> I hate that I'm getting a divorce, but right now I'm not looking at semantics...</strong><hr></blockquote>
This is a very good attitude. I'm looking at it as "It's just a piece of paper." Someone on another board says, "It's not over till YOU say it's over, regardless of what your WS does." Oh, sorry, that's (WS) Wayward Spouse. YOU decide how long you are going to hang in there. Personally, I think since this thing BLEW up fairly quickly, that the fog will roll out fairly quickly for your W, too! I hope I'm right. I wouldn't want to build up your hopes too high. Just be prepared for as long as it takes. Read my sig line, I just passed ONE YEAR!! So, hang on, if you really mean you'll wait it out.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> Everything is about the butterflies in the stomach when you first meet someone and you don't see what they are really like. </strong><hr></blockquote>
This is exactly right! It's all just fog-talk, and fantasy!! It will get old, it will get stale, it WILL get "normal" and at that point, the fog will lift JUST ENOUGH for her to think about what she has thrown away (or tried to, if you're still around).<p>You have a great attitude already, and by hanging around, reading and posting some more, you can grow stronger, more resiliant and self-sufficient (I mean in your emotional stability - not trying to imply that you are not able to care for yourself here) [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We're all here to help, we've all been where you are, and there's a lot of wise folks on these boards.<p>May God Bless,

Thanks for your support lupolady and everyone else. I still question whether there was something more I could have done. I've always supported her emotionally, financially, and always tried to provide different entertainment to keep things new and fresh. I ordered some of the books from this site to try to get some perspective on what happened and what to do if she comes back. I'm hoping to use every minute of this time to become the man that she needs...not just the needs that I met, but those I haven't. I just got back from the gym (something I should have been doing a long time ago) and I hope that my new look, as well as my new outlook will payoff in the end. Every day I am trying to become a stronger person who doesn't depend on her to do my chores, so that I can be independent of her, so that if she comes back, I can be a stronger husband to her to meet her currently unmet needs. I hope that fog ends soon and we can begin again as friends and see if we can make them butterflies come back. When I work hard at improving myself, I start feeling good about what's happening, but as soon as I come back to the reality that she is gone, my mind and my heart spin out of control. I don't know if it really pays to be a good-hearted man, when it is taken for granted and I am the one left feeling hurt. I don't want to turn into the 99% of guys who act like jerks because they have been burned by girls or just because they are jerks. I also have needs and I need somebody, hopefully my stbx, to understand and appreciate my heart for what it is. I only loved her the best way I knew how. I wish she would have told me sooner about her feelings, becuase I would have worked harder at it. She always told me every personal feeling and thought that crossed her mind...except for this one [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

runawaytrain,

It all feels surreal, I know. You just wish the nightmare would come to an end... You want your wife back... please make it all end.

Keep doing your exercise's that is good for you and your mind. Try to occupy your time with things you enjoy doing as much as possible, it keeps you from dwelling on the mess your in.

We all go through the "what could I have done differently mode". Self examination is a good thing to do, especiallly if there are negatives that were in your relationship that can be changed. Don't beat yourself up too badly though. You need to get your self esteem, and your mind back on track (That is the hard part).

The person you are dealing with at the moment is not the same person that you have always known. Hoefully in time, the fog will lift from her and you may at that time start communicating with her.

It's a tough position to be in, there are some good books that are available on this sight. Try to get them, it may help put things in perspective to a certain degree.

Be patient, stay strong!

Wallace

What I'm having the hardest time with is how did she change personalities in the matter of minutes. She never had a cold bone in her body until now. The fog must be so heavy right now that she doesn't even know I'm here.<p>I moved all of my stuff out of the house on Friday (I was in a temporary apt until then) and that was the last time I talked to her. I felt better that I was for once wasn't living out of a suitcase anymore. Then this week came and the mood swings or getting worse and worse. The more I pull myself into a happier mood, the more it swings back in the other direction. When I do something for myself that makes me feel good, I get depressed that I can't show her. When I try to call her names in my mind and try to hate her, I remember all of the good times and how this is so unlike her. When I exercise and have started getting fit, I just want her to see the new me. But I can't because I know I have to stay out of her view and let her go. I hope that without the struggle of her trying to save this marriage and the abrupt divorce and the way she has treated me when I have never done anything to make her upset...(not once...I always treated her like a queen), that somehow it will hit her like a ton of bricks one day. The waiting however is killing me. With her in the house that we just bought and worked so hard on together, I hope she can remember things about me. I left all of the pictures in the house, because I didn't want to have to think about them all of the time. They all lie in a box and I hope one day she will go in that box and see all of our happy times. Right now I hate that he is with her and he hasn't had to put in any of the work that I have in the last 8 years to give her what she calls "just a comfortable relationship". I wonder how many wives wish that they could have a marriage that was "just comfortable". I want to go over and rip this guy a new one, but I know it will never do anything for me in the long run.<p>It's good to get all of this wonderful feedback from you all and it's also great to be able to share my stories and even vent a little with you. I have ordered those books that were mentioned to me and hopefully that will help me for whatever comes my way.<p>Quick question for you all out there...how were your relationships with your spouses prior to D-Day? Were there any signs?

runawaytrain,

It helps to be able to get your feelings out there, so keep posting as long as you wish.

The fear(and I do mean fear) of the unknown, is one of the real painful experiences of being involved in the situation that you have.
Try not to dwell on it, I know that is easier said than done.

Also with the fear is the waiting period (what is going to happen next and how long is it going to take, etc.).

We all want answers, but what will they be? and when? if ever, will we get them.

Combine it all together and you start whirling, you get encompassed in your own fog. I know that feeling well too.


What can you do? There is good advice on these boards, hopefully others will chime in and give their views as well. Listen to what they say, their is much experience here as I have found out in the relatively short time I have been here.

My situation may be different than yours. My STBXW is a Bipolar Manic depressive, so when she goes off, there is only a slight mood swing and then she is off and gone.

I have been dealing with my situation for about 2-1/2 yrs. off and on. This time though she had a confirmed A, and got pregnant as well. Forged checks on my bank account and then went out and had an abortion... it's pretty sad. Dwelling on your WW and the OM being together will eat you alive. Try staying active, and find people that you can talk with. Find a support group in your area... just a few ideas.

I have not heard a word from my STBXW in 6 weeks (no communication at all). it's a real mess.

There was not a real hint of this going on... everything seemed to be going good... and then she just up and left, without saying a word to anyone.

Hang in there, and be patient. The big D is a very scary proposition, but who knows... it has the possiblity of working out for the best, once your W has realized what she has lost.

It's never over until you yourself say it's over.

Stay strong!

Wallace

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>...how were your relationships with your spouses prior to D-Day? Were there any signs?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi, Runaway,
I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it. It DOES get better, really it does! It seems like it took me about 3,4 months to get feeling "normal" again. And eating again, and sleeping regularly, too! You aren't alone in feeling like "If only there were more I could have/should have done...."<p>DON"T GO THERE! For one thing, this is all about them - WS's, NOT BS's!! It's about them NOT finding positive/correct ways to communicate with us about their feelings of unmet Needs. So, do not let yourself start feeling like YOU did everything wrong. And don't go getting all upset at HER, either! It takes two.<p>As far as how was our R prior to his leaving? Well, we were married just over 20 years when he left. We were your "typical, old, married couple" - I thought! You know, not a lot of SF - I figured that's normal for older couples who are just "settled in their ways." My fault. I never initiated, or even "allowed" it, as such, and I KNOW he resented this. BUT, he didn't really complain all that much. DUH?!?! If it was THAT big of a deal, YELL, SCREAM, HOLLER, THREATEN, do something so I knew you were THAT unhappy!!! I heard NOTHING. I thought we were "ok" with what we had.<p>We had just spent 5 months remodeling a HUD home we had purchased....lots of weary nights and week-ends, and stress wtih spending waaay too much money, etc. AND we had just moved in, been there 2 weeks. On Thursday we were unpacking stuff that had been stored for 4 years, "discovering" stuff we had forgotten we had, joking around....he was obligingly hanging photos on the walls for me....
I came home from work on Friday afternoon and HE WAS GONE and Dv. papers were in the mailbox.
NO hint. Go figure.

I came home from work one day to find my wife's stuff gone, and a note basically telling me that our marriage was over. I had noted signs of withdrawal in the preceding weeks, and she had said some rather odd things to me which made me suspect that she was starting to work herself up to leave me (such as her suggestion that I might have an "abusive personality" - despite her admission that I had never abused her in our nearly twelve years of marriage). But I was still not in the least prepared for the shock. My wife was professing her love for me and her pride in me right up until the "end". Even her note of dismissal said something to that effect and declared that we would "always be friends".<p>For me too, the hardest part was understanding how someone who had always been so sensitive and caring could suddenly start acting as if it were the most normal thing in the world to start treating the person who had loved and supported and encouraged her for so long as if he were...um...a discharge from the alimentary canal. She apparently realized pretty quickly that our eternal friendship wasn't going to work, since she has avoided me since the day she left me. (We have spoken on exactly four occasions since she moved out, and that was nearly two years ago now.)<p>For about two months I was in a state of shock, but more than anything I wanted to understand what had happened. I scoured the Internet and borrowed dozens of books from the library before discovering the book Sudden Endings by the pseudonymous Madeline Bennett. The book is out of print, and it is somewhat flawed both methodologically and analytically, but it's what put me on the track to understanding. I have since learned that the "Wife Rejection Syndrome" Bennett describes (she seems to think that suddenly leaving an apparently happy marriage is primarily something that males do) has a great deal in common with other psychological phenomena such as the mid-life crisis and delayed adolescence.<p>My wife continued to follow Bennett's script (you might want to take a look at Elaine Brinkley's article on The Dynamics of Marital Disintegration), to the point that as time has gone on her allegations against me have grown increasingly disturbing (and increasingly absurd). In a way, this has helped me emotionally, since it has become unmistakably clear that my wife's desertion was not about me or the way I treated her. The truth is, I was a d***ed good husband. (I find it interesting, runawaytrain, that you say you treated your wife "like a queen". I have often said that I treated my wife "like a princess".)<p>Let me tell you, runawaytrain, that although you wish your wife would have told you about her feelings sooner so that you could have "worked harder", there's a distinct possibility that it would have made no difference whatsoever. My wife did tell me about her feelings, and frankly I don't know what more I could have done. My wife didn't feel loved and accepted, and although I begged her to tell me what I could do to show her that I loved and accepted her, she could not come up with any answers. In fact, I have come to believe that the reason for her feelings is her ingrained belief that she is inherently unlovable.<p>But understanding what happened and learning to turn off the internal "what if" dialog can only take you so far, runawaytrain. It appears to me as if you are handling things very well, at least at this stage. However, sooner or later, you are going to have to make an attitude adjustment.<p>Sooner or later you are going to have to start doing things for yourself, not because those things might make you more desirable in your wife's eyes. (Incidentally, it would help if you were to recognize that you are not in competition with the other man. Indeed, I suspect that what is going on with your wife has as little to do with him as it does with you. It's probably all about what's going on inside your wife's psyche.) Also, if things don't turn around soon, you are going to have to face the possibility that your wife may never be coming back.<p>Keep in mind that I speak from the vantage point of having been separated and virtually without contact with my wife for almost two years. All I can share is my own experience, and I have to tell you that after I got over my initial shock, the pain of loss and betrayal and (worst of all) vicarious loneliness has not diminished one iota. I don't know if it ever will, and frankly I'm not counting on it. But I have learned that it is possible to be happy in the midst of the pain.<p>I am also as committed as ever to remaining faithful to my wife. I know her, perhaps better than anyone else in this world, and I still believe in her. I don't know if she will ever come back, but I do know that she will never be happy as long as she hides from the truth and runs from herself. And regardless of what she chooses to do, it is my duty to become the kind of man I want to be, the kind of man I can respect the most. For me, that means holding on to faith and hope and love and my own integrity, while pursuing my own individualistic dreams. You will have to decide what it means for you.<p>But for now, I reckon you will be doing well just to make it through each day. It's OK to give yourself time...<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: GnomeDePlume ]</p>

GnomeDePlume,<p>Thank you for sharing your story... it is very moving.<p>I commend you for your honor and your resolve... it is truly your W loss<p>Respectfully,<p>Wallace

Runaway,<p>I've seen this post for a coupla days and just had to reply because you are going through EXACTLY what I went through in January of 2001.<p>My exW told me on January 11, 2001 that she "loved me, but wasn't in love" yada, yada, yada. And she "needed space" and "was confused" and blah, blah, blah. This was after being together 11 years (no kids, thank God), and after we had a fabulous Christmas together. There was no hint of anything bad happening.<p>Of course, it turned out (as it most often does), that there was another person involved. Some guy she'd met on the internet in another state and whom she hadn't even seen in person! And she was sooooooo in love (much like she was when she and I first met). <p>Long story short - she moved out within a week to her own place and wanted a divorce pronto. It was just as if she were running away as fast as possible. She had to make a change NOW.<p>And I saw what you are seeing now - she acted more distance and cold toward me - something she'd NEVER done before. She turned into a complete stranger.<p>And I did all the typical bull**** at first - begging her to stay, promising things would be better. Of course, none of that worked. And she was MY best friend as well as wife, so you know how hard that is.<p>I did the divorce diet (lost 20 pounds in a month), started working out again, and all that. And I filed for divorce. It was finalized in April of 2001. She ended up moving out of state (and away from all of her family and where she had lived all her life) to be with internet man. An aside here, I saw a picture of this guy and all I can say is blechhh! - Fat, bald, and old. That made me feel better somehow. <p>But, they ended up getting married last summer - she was in such a hurry to do that. I guess she felt like she had to do that fast to make her somehow feel more secure living in a new place. The funny thing is, about 2 months after our divorce was final, she called me at home one night saying how homesick she was, how internet man was always checking up on her as if he didn't trust her (to which I told her, "Imagine that, considering you cheated on me with HIM!"). SHe also asked me if I ever thought about us getting together again, and if she were to move back to town, would there be a 10% chance that we could get back together!!?? I just told her that she needed some kind of help or therapy - that she was waaaaay too confused to be much good to anyone.<p>And in less than 2 months after that call, they got married - a match made in heaven that I am sure will last, ha.<p>So, anyway, how this all relates to your situation, I'm not sure. All I know is that after a little more than a year, I find myself in a relationship with a woman who is so far above what my ex ever was, that I can't believe it. We've been together 8 months and are planning on getting married in a year or so. In January of 2001 I would never have believed I could ever be happy without my wife. But now I look back and wonder how I was ever happy with her in the 11 years. I guess that's what happens when you marry kinda young and don't experience alot of other people - you tend to settle.<p>So, good luck - I hope it works out the way you want. Do remember that there are tons (both literally and figuratively) of women out there. You sound like you're in your 30's like me, so I can definitely attest to the fact that even though right now you feel alone, there are lots of women out there just dying to meet eligible men. And one thing I can tell you, is after going through this, you'll find you're much more sensitive to their feelings and moods (at least I found that to be true).<p>Good luck,
Jim

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

train and GDP,<p>You can skip this post unless you are interested in my opinions on psycological books.<p>As I wrote above, I agree with GDP about most things on this foru, but I have to respectfully dissagree with him about the value of the particular book he cites.<p>I rank "psychological" literature on 3 levels. <p>Books and articles which I consider to be in the highest level are written by experamental/ research psychologists. They heavily use statistical methods to arrive at their conclusions. In this catagory are the works of people like (my favorite) Martin Seligman, Doyle Gentry, and (more appropriate to this forum) John Gottman.<p>The second tier I assign to therapists, counselors and the like who write from their experience with numerous clients but who do not heavily use the scientific, statistical approach. In this group I put The Harleys, James Dobson etc.<p>In the lowest rank, I put books written by people who are neither counselors nor scientists, but who are writing primarily from their experience of their own (one) life. Madeline Bennett is in this group.<p>My reason for this ranking is simply that I believe the statistical/scientific approach is able to find the unexpected; patterns that defy our preconceptions, and the scientific approach is able to test the validity of our preconceived ideas. The couselor or therapist has many clients to learn from, but may be blind to some patterns which go against his/her preconcieved ideas. The individual who has had one life experience is simply not in a position to generalize to lessons that apply to all of us.<p>Now, I acknowledge that Madeline Bennett did go out and find 25 other women to confirm her view, but she did it in a completely unscientific way. She searched for 25 women with similar stories, and then showed ... the amazing similarity of their stories. Also, she did not interview the departed husband or give then an opportunity to speak (only quoted what their wives said they said) so the book was, in my opinion, one sided. Also, she is writing under an assumed name (gnome de plume) so nobody even had the opportunity to confirm the objective facts (I persist in believing that there are such things).<p>-AD<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: AbandonedDad ]</p>

Thank you for the kind words, AbandonedDad, but I must respectfully disagree that we disagree. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The significance of Bennett's book to me lies in the fact that it happened to be my first exposure to some of the ideas that helped me get my bearings. But whenever I mention it, I am careful to point out that it is "flawed". I appreciate your going to the trouble of explaining how it is flawed, since I did not take the time to do that myself.<p>Unfortunately, I remain unaware of any book that I can wholeheartedly recommend to someone who finds himself (or herself) in the kind of situation in which I found myself. The information is out there, but I haven't found anything that is specifically directed toward that kind of audience. If I had unlimited funds, I might get myself a Ph.D. in psychology and write a book myself, but current circumstances have forced me to pursue less expensive dreams...

So do you think I did a bad thing by letting her go? She said that she couldn't see what else is out there if she was still married to me. Do you think if I fought it, I would have made things worse with our relationship? Is it possible to rebuild from scratch if she comes to her senses so there isn't the obligation of marriage, but instead focusing on the relationship and the friendship and try dating again? I don't know, but I wanted to end it friendly so if she decided to come back. Now I'm staying away so that she has a chance to miss me and not have the things that I once provided to her.<p>I don't know how this has become so commonplace that all of us are here dealing with this. Whatever happened to wanting a good man to be good to you and provide for you and to support each other through the years. Now it's about "her needs" and damn it to h*ll what my husband has done for me. Is this a new phenomenon. Is there something in the water that our spouses are drinking? I almost think this is some type of psychological problem that hasn't yet been researched. How could somebody love us one day and hate us the next? What snaps in the brain? I ordered some of the books mention to try to get a handle of this. Not just in case she comes back...but even if I start over with somebody else.<p>I love my wife dearly and never expected this from her. I wish that I would have been able to provide to her everything that she is needing now. I wish I had discovered this website years ago so that I could fix our marrige before it ended like this. I really appreciate everybody's feedback, stories, words of encouragement, and recommendations for books to read. I am officially a member of this site for life and I hope you can all help me pray to get my wife back. I will pray for you all too!!

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

GDP,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:
<strong>The significance of Bennett's book to me lies in the fact that it happened to be my first exposure to some of the ideas that helped me get my bearings. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I understand that. There are some books that I have read that have a similar effect on me. Because they were the first thing I read on the subject - and I learned something from them, I continue to refer to them even though I see some flaws.<p>-AD