Not new to MB, I've been on the OC board for a few months.

New to the divorce board, as we recently decided to go ahead and split. I've lurked here for about a month.

I have a question about contact levels.

One of my issues is that my H and I are constantly cycling between tension, fighting, and honeymooning (cycle of violence for any DV people out there). So NOW that he lied, lied, slept around, lied some more, and moved out on me, he is "seeing the error of his ways" and being very attentive and sweet (moved out 9/15).

I'm very vulnerable, and liable to fall for the honeymoon again. I don't want to continue this way, but of course I love him and giving that up is soooooooo hard.

I told him it was ok to stay for dinner tonight and put our son to bed (something they always do). I'm worried about the message that sends to my son and to me AND to my H.

Any thoughts??? From those who have done it both ways??
THANKS!
EJ

EJ,
I would get into Plan A, and seek out a "MC" to help you and your "H" sift through all these emotions.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Cycle of violence ... so at least you recognize it and understand where you're at in it.

What steps has he taken to prove to you that once the honeymoon period is over, that he won't feel 'safe and secure' enough to cycle back into the tension and fighting?

What have you done to protect yourself and your son from this cycle?

Please check out zorweb's Domestic Violence post.

You can't Plan A or Plan B until the violence is dealt with.

EJmom2B -

I was in that same cycle and it's really hard to think clearly when you are in it.

Having been there and done that I would recommend that you work on yourself by going to a al-anon or codependent's anon - they are free and learn how to detach. These groups give support, ideas and strength.

I'd also read Co-dependent No More by Melony Beattie - great book!

You need to focus on what is best for you and the children and not H if he is going to continue in this cycle - which he will continue to do if you let him.

You need to set some boundaries - the Boundaries book or Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud are good reads too.

You will enable his behavior unless you take yourself out of the cycle - and this is an unhealthy relationship and not what a marriage should be - read the info, on the site to learn what a marriage can and should be.

Also, think about the lesson that you want your children to learn. They will pattern their behaviors off of observing how you handle your life and how you let others treat you.

It's not easy, but with a support system an dpossibly a counselor, you can make your life what it should be - peaceful and happy for you and your kids.

K

Thanks for replying!

As for plans A and B, I'm in plan B now as much as possible with our child in the picture.

As for DV, I am a counselor myself and worked in a DV shelter for a year, so I know some stuff (in fact, working there last year was my "aha" moment about what my H was doing to me emotionally). Luckily there was never any physical violence involved, only the mental crudola. I kicked him out, things got better, but in the last three months I have seen him backsliding on behaviors.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I have been considering a CODA type meeting, but need to explore the options in my area!
EJ