Hello everyone-

What a tumultuous couple of weeks. It's taken me years to build up the courage to get out of this marriage. I've been so sick to my stomach about this ordeal and I just wish there was an easy way out. However, because we have a child and business involving rental properties, it won't be that easy to resolve.

My husband has been adamant about not leaving the family home--even though we have many other homes to which he could move. I would have moved into one of them if I had access to the keys, wasn't afraid the he'd come after me for taking our child, and the fact that the empty house may not be in the best neighborhood.

In the papers my husband received today, I'm asking him to vacate the family home and notifying him that I have a restraining order against him. When I originally filed for these mandates, I was under the impression that I could call the police if he didn't leave. After talking with my attorney yesterday, I feel less than comfortable that the police can enforced either of these unless there's physical abuse. My husband still won't leave. Does anyone have any advice?

I was thinking that Monday while my son is away, I would call the police--hoping that they can make him leave.

Maybe when my husband talks with an attorney, he'd be advised to leave (after my husband's been reassured that I can't go after him for abandonment).

One other question, does anyone have any suggestions on how I might handle a contested divorce? I fear he doesn't want to end the marriage--mostly out of spite. My husband has a lot at stake with the business. While he's already managed to do extreme financial damage to me and increase his personal wealth, he knows that I'm still entitled to 1/2 of all the property.

Thanks for any responses.

Welcome to MB though I’m sorry you find yourself in this predicament.

From what I know, you cannot force your husband to leave the family home. It’s his home too and he has as much right to be there until either a judge writes up an order to have him vacate or until there is an agreed upon settlement.

Both you and your husband have equal rights to any community property and to your child.

This is a terrible situation for you, your attorney should have advised you a little more clearly.

If I were you husband I would not leave either. My take would be if you want a divorce then move out. And I would not allow you to take our child/children with you.

Is the restraining order you have the one that is usually part of a divorce or did you get a separate one that says he is not allowed within some number of feet/yards of you. It’s my understanding that the standard restraining order only says that both of you are not allowed to harass each other, remove the child from the family home, etc. It does not preclude you from being in the same house together.

I’ve seen plenty of couples stay in the same house until the divorce is finalized. Don’t know how they did it but they do.

----“ I would have moved into one of them if I had access to the keys, wasn't afraid the he'd come after me for taking our child, and the fact that the empty house may not be in the best neighborhood.”

If the situation at home is too volatile, ask your attorney to get an order saying that your husband has to give you a key so that you can move to another one of your homes. And ask that the attorney immediately put in place an interim timeshare schedule so that each of you have a set schedule with you son. Then there will not confusion about that could lead to someone looking like they kidnapped the child. But do not move alone and/or with your son without all the legalese in place. I did that once and it was clear I’d loose my son for doing it. I reconciled and moved back with my H to prevent that from happening.

----“does anyone have any suggestions on how I might handle a contested divorce?”

Your husband cannot prevent a divorce; he can stall it some but not prevent it. No one can be forced to stay married to a person they do not want to be married to. So simply proceed with the divorce.

Do you have all of your ducks in order? Do you know where all of the financial papers and personal papers are for your family? Do you have copies of them? Why don’t you have keys to the properties? If you won a business together why don’t you have access to copies of the keys? The reason I ask this is that if you are not well prepared he could claim that there is nothing and you’d have no way of proving otherwise.

Don’t know if this is what you wanted to hear, but it’s what I’ve seen.

Sick in Ohio,

I agree with Zorweb's take. . . if you want the divorce, then you must be the one to leave. . . otherwise, everyone is entitled to the home with their name on the mortgage. . . until there is a court order or an agreement. . .

Second, something isn't right with your point of view . . . . something i perceive and my perception comes from this statement:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> While he's already managed to do extreme financial damage to me and increase his personal wealth, he knows that I'm still entitled to 1/2 of all the property. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how can he do extreme financial damage to you, and increase his personal wealth? in most states, the financial wealth is shared. . . so if one benefits, so does the other. . .

so i find this statement full of contradictions, and somewhat less than clear thinking. . .

please explain. . .

wiftty

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

<<zorweb
Welcome to MB though I’m sorry you find yourself in this predicament.

From what I know, you cannot force your husband to leave the family home. It’s his home too and he has as much right to be there until either a judge writes up an order to have him vacate or until there is an agreed upon settlement…>>

First, let me say, thank you for the welcome. I'm glad to meet all of you—too bad it's under these circumstances. Your response has helped me tremendously. And, I truly appreciate getting all perspectives.

You are right on all accounts—about my not being able to force my husband to leave, the restraining order, and the custody of our child at this point. My attorney did not make it clear to me, and I feel like a dimwit for thinking otherwise. So, until the temporary hearing, I’m afraid that we’re both in a state of despair. The good thing is that my husband doesn't talk to me about anything. He never even commented after receiving the divorce papers. He's pretty darn skilled in acting as though I'm part of furniture.

Another good thing, for which I’m truly grateful, is that no matter how terrible the marriage gets, both my husband and I love our son with every fiber of our being. I can honestly say that my son will never be in any way harmed and he’ll always be taken care of.

*************
Now to address WhenIfindthetime’s post—you're right, the statement does sound contradictory. So, let me try to explain what I was attempting to describe.

<<WhenIfindthetime

Second, something isn't right with your point of view . . . . something i perceive and my perception comes from this statement:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While he's already managed to do extreme financial damage to me and increase his personal wealth, he knows that I'm still entitled to 1/2 of all the property.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

how can he do extreme financial damage to you, and increase his personal wealth? in most states, the financial wealth is shared. . . so if one benefits, so does the other. . .

so i find this statement full of contradictions, and somewhat less than clear thinking. . .>>

Since we've been married, my husband and I have developed a business of rehabs and rental properties. I've always believed that my husband established the business as an ‘S corp’ during the first few years of our marriage. For the first several properties that we purchased, we bought the properties jointly. At some point, my husband was able to purchase properties without my ever having to sign anything. I'm sure that he had to use my credit standing to pull this off. Now, because we’ve brought/sold so many properties under the company name and have a long-standing relationship with the finance company, my husband can simply send a fax and finance a new property. In addition, when he's sells a property, I haven't had to be there. Often times, I haven't even known that he's bought or sold a property until after the fact.

When we sell properties, my husband walks away from the closing with a check in hand for any equity/profits. I’ve never made a big deal out of him taking the money because I’ve always entrusted him to either use the money for down payments or to build up the financial standing of the company. It wasn’t until the past several years, that I realized that I didn’t really know much about the company or have the authority to complete transactions for business account (e.g., write checks). I began to ask questions and express my concern to my husband and he’s always managed to shut me up by merely walking away during the conversation or in some way belittling me for asking. Call me stupid for not being more aggressive about getting answers, I know.

The fact remains that the properties that are owned by the company were purchased during the course of our marriage; therefore, the property will be divided equally. The thing that concerns me is that certain evidence suggests that my husband has been taking a good portion of the past profits and money for rents and putting the money into personal accounts. According to my attorney (who advised me to make sure I have separate accounts), neither one of us can touch money in individual accounts.

I have been compiling paperwork…anything I can find—as expected, I haven’t had a lot of success. The things that I have managed to uncover are extremely disturbing to say the least. My husband’s managed to take out of line of credit under both our names and run it up to 25K. I never signed a thing for this line of credit nor did I spend the money. I’m trying to believe that he’s used the money as a down payment, but I suspect that he’s taken the money and banked it. Why, after all the money he holds back from his paycheck each week and the money he’s accumulated from the sale of properties, would he make me liable for this debt—one where I’ve haven’t benefited at all??? I know why, because he could and I’ve just sat back all these years and let him do it.

The other day, I found papers where my husband opened a personal account and deposited a substantial amount of money back in Jan. ’02. He has all of this info mailed to his PO box and uses his cell phone number as his home number. Astonishing. I also found the papers where my husband started the company 3 days before we were married. The company had 750 shares—all of which he sold to his mother a year after we were married. Tell me all of this isn’t cause for alarm???

Every day is just another day full of sickening surprises. To think, I thought we got into this relationship because of love—apparently, it was just a business venture.

Thanks for listening (reading) and offering your insight. I feel a little better about airing some of this out to you. Please forgive me if I sound like a rambling fool.

I understand about the financial part of this. My ex-h did a similar thing, except he moved money into accounts in his and his mother's name.

Find out where deeds are recorded in your state/county. Go down there and do a search on your husband's name and the company name. Also a search in the court house. Some states have all of this online. If you are willing to share what state you live in I'll check and see what I have about online resources for the state. I've been investigating something for a friend. I found all of her h's proberty and related court actions without leaving my computer.

You may also want to check with a PI to see about getting an asset and bank account search done.

Forgive me while I become familiar with the acronyms used on this site.

Please considered all my references to 'husband' replaced with STBX.

Thanks!

i am not sure how this qualifies for destroying your finances. . . . but none the less, there is a paper trail, and there are bank accounts with names, etc. . .h

however, a sharp, very sharp lawyer will be able to include the assets of the company, or his portion, or to prove perjury on the line of credit. . . i think if you did have your name on it, you should be able to review it at the financial institution, and then figure out where you were at that time, go through your checking account, see the checks that were written at that time, find photographs, etc. . . to remind you of where you were so that you can have a witness say that you weren't at the closing nor a singatory to the line of credit. . . .

you see, slimey people think that they can hide stuff, but in reality, they can't hide very much these days. . . .

good luck . . . .

sounds as though your STBX wanted all the money and all the business dealings. . . . . sounds rather dishonest from the start. . . but no matter, you made a mistake with your selection. . . do your best to undo it. . .

wiftty

Sick in OH,

Just wanted to say I hope you didn't spare any money on getting the VERY best attorney....you need it...

Also, I wouldn't move out of the house...wait for the temporary orders, let the judge decides who moves and who stays..

Consider also hiring a very good private detective to find info financial as well as other info on him.

I have a feeling he's hiding more than just money.

ANNA

Someone else on MB cited this website-http://www1.shore.net/~tao/
I think it really applies in your situation. It's about how to win in a divorce situation- check it out.

Your situation does sound difficult. It's true you can't touch individual accounts- but I do believe the money in those accounts is considered marital property to be divided jointly unless he can prove he had the money before marriage.

Don't discuss the divorce, act as sweet as you can, and use this time to gather your ammunition. Judges tend to look unfavorably on spouses who play financial dirty tricks.

Make sure you have a very good lawyer. You may also need a good forensic accountant.

Good luck and I wish you strength for the difficult task of living with him while the divorce is pending.

Sick in OH,

You have been given some good advice, here's another website to checkout-

website that may be helpful

God Bless,

D.

Sorry you are in this situation.

A question just hit me - Did he need your credit standing to do the business?

Hi Sick in OH,

I don't have much to offer in advice about the $$ stuff.

I would not move out either. Just because you want the D, does not mean you should have to leave. A few months back, I was contiplating a D, and there is now way I was going to move. I was told I could take the kids and move. To do so any other way, would be abandonment and I could lose custody of the kids and the house.

The thing is, every state differs, so what one can do in one state, another cannot do in that state.

Hi Sick ~

I just popped over here from the GQ board.

There's such a thing as a "forensic accountant".

Find one ASAP, because now that your H has received papers, I assure you, he is covering his trail as fast as he can.