My wife and I have been together 7 years. We have been married last 3. We have a 2 1/2 year old. We have been separated 3 weeks. I was served divorce papers Sept. 16. She has a protection order so I cant communicate to her. In Iowa you only have 90 days and divorce is final. I have been seeing a marriage therapist since August. We have never gone together. Of course, she tells everyone I'm the bad person. She says I'm obsessed with her. I say I am obsessed for a good reason --I love her and my family. I have taken major steps at improving myself through counseling, reading many books, and church. I know I can change and make her happy. She tells everyone that she doesn't see changes and that I'm still being a manipulator. I am sincere. She said in August that she loves me, but is not "In love" with me anymore. She told my mother that she will not go back to the way things were. I DON'T want that either. Right now she is so closed up. She said she doesn't think she can EVER resolve issues she has with me. I know I've taken out alot of anger and stress on her last year (mental abuse) but I do love her and have learned alot. I know I can be that man she fell in love with. How do I convince her to go to marriage counseling and not give up? I'm losing the woman and family I love so much. I'd like to get her to a seminar or retreat and extensive counseling. I firmly believe that she can love me again by me changing and adding to her "love bank", but how do I get this BIG chance? Can anyone help me and us? My daughter needs a family that isn't split apart. Our priest is trying to help, but so far she hasn't been responsive. She doesn't believe anything I say. She says she wants to be happy. I want to make her happy. I'd appreciate any help.
Alan

Slow down there buddy...

You're running after her and she's only working harder at running away faster.

I've been there, I know. When you try so hard to hold on so tightly, they will do anything to get away from you. A trapped animal will chew its own leg off to get away. (crude analogy, but accurate) Self-defeating is what it is.

Nevermind your ideals about family and such. Do what works.

Given that she seems to be projecting onto you that you are this horrible person, is she seeing someone? Strong possibility here. She's using the standard cheater script (loves you, but isn't "In Love" with you). She probably thinks this other person will make her happy and she probably has convinced herself that she is unhappy because of you. You have a child and 7 years in common. She's not going to give that up without somewhere else to go. (unless you've failed to talk about physical abuse, substance abuse, real mental abuse (not arguments and simple name-calling))

You must understand that YOU cannot make anyone happy. They must make themselves happy to a certain extent. If they are not generally happy by themselves, then there is nothing you can do. All of your effort will be pointless. It takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship. Both must be generally happy by themselves in order to make a happy couple.

The only thing you can do at this point is to let her go and leave the light on. While you continue to cling to her, the only thing she will focus on is getting away. If you let her go, she may eventually wonder if getting away is what she really wants to do. The love is there, she's only trying to suppress it. (kinda like a beachball in water if you ask me, the harder she pushes it down, the more it wants to pop up) Just wait until it hits her that someone else will be in her place should she chose to divorce you. She's probably very confused. Stop putting pressure on her. Become her refuge. The other pressures in her life may eventually push her to you.

As our marriage counselor said, "If you keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna keep gettin' what you got". All you've done so far is chase. All she's done so far is work harder to get away. What do you have to lose by standing still and waiting for her to come back?

Stop trying to get her to do anything. You have absolutely no power over her and shouldn't ever try to. People do things because of self-interest. You'll just have to wait her out.

How do you fix this mess?

There are no quick-fixes and it is not solely up to you to fix it. It took a long time for your relationship to get this way and it will take a long time to fix it.

Don't lose sight of the big picture. Even if you and your wife don't work out, you'll need to prepare yourself for future relationships. Divorces happen all the time and NEVER has a single one ended the world, it only seems like it. ;-) The pain goes away over time IF you do everything you can to EARN your divorce. Divorce with no regrets.

Work on yourself.

I repeat, work on yourself. YOU are the only thing you can control.

Become this great guy. Don't kick yourself for your failures. We ALL have failures.

My marriage did fail and my XW just married the OM. (he he, she doesn't look very happy to me) I know I did everything I could to save my marriage. I know I do everything I can to learn to be a better man and dad. In the end, I know that my XW will be regretting her decision. (caught her looking at me when I drove away recently) My life keeps getting better and better. (times are sometimes hard, but progress is certain)

If we were born knowing everything, we'd never grow, and growing is living. As my recently-passed grandmother told me with great wisdom, "you did the best you could with what you knew".

It's time for you to learn more.

Stop kicking yourself for what you didn't know and start patting yourself on the back for what you're learning. While I'm on the subject, read "Who Moved My Cheese?". (short book, read it in one sitting at Barnes & Noble) The sooner you stop the "woe is me" bit and the sooner you start looking for happiness, the sooner you'll be happy. Stopping wasting your energy kicking yourself. The more you kick yourself, the more energy you use up, the less energy you have, and this leads you into depression. In depression, you cease to have enough energy to dig yourself out. You feel like you're at the bottom of a pit without any energy to get out. If you're there, see medical help (a ladder) to get out.

You've found the right place to learn. This is NOT an overstatement. The Harley materials are about 99% accurate (within the scope covered by the books) and the message boards fill in the rest where the books haven't yet covered.

At this point, focus on bettering yourself, letting your wife go (at least for now), getting what you want as far as your child is concerned, and making sure you don't get screwed should the divorce go through. You DO have a lawyer working on this, right?

Take it easy. Haste makes waste. (not what you wanted to hear when you're life is seemingly crumbling around you)

Work on yourself. Do not try to show her anything. When you better yourself, it will just show and she'll eventually see it. She won't take notice until she starts to second-guess herself. With you pursuing, she won't second-guess herself.

Just BE a great guy. BE a great dad. She'll notice. And if she chooses someone else, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing she's kicking herself for the rest of her life for letting you go.

Take care,

Kevin

<small>[ September 30, 2002, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</small>

Thanks for response. I am working on myself, but HOW will she see the changes? We haven't seen or talked to each other in 3 weeks. As far as I know (pretty certain) no other guy. Last 2 weeks in August were hell. I saw her place an ad on dreammates.com. I blew up. Wish I hadn't. I threw a can of soda against fridge. I had grabbed her to talk to her. I'm much bigger. I don't realize my facial expressions, voice, and body language probably scared the hell out of her. I learned all sorts of little things in August. The irrational side of my brain took over. I pressured her for answers. I saw she opened a secret bank account, contacted a lawyer, bought a new car. She was emailing a guy off the internet. After 2 weeks she thought he was a great guy and cared about her???We've lived together 7 years and have a child! She told my mother she wanted to live life for her now and that our daughter will be better by not being around two people who don't get along. All this crap has been going on for a little over a year. At that time I had an emotional relationship with a woman. She knew, but stuck with me. We should have had counseling then. Of course I didn't tell her anything other than what she knew. In August I came out with a policy of HONESTY with NO EXCUSES and started taking responsibilty for my actions. I came clean and told her details she didn't know. I felt better. I wish I had told her then. Affair lasted 1 month. I realized how much I loved my wife and she loved me. We have our problems but I thought we could work on things ourselves. BIG MISTAKE. I wish we had known of all the resources available. I would have signed us up for a marriage retreat. We have 2 businesses and rarely see each other. I guess I've taken out my anger and stress on her. She's the closest one to me. I guess I didn't love myself, so I couldn't love her. That's one thing I'm working on now. I did tell her not to take what I've said personally because I didn't mean those things. I said them out of anger. Hard to forget them though and words hurt. Our priest is trying to help, but I'm losing hope. She won't do any last resort counseling. She says "she's tried".

Alan,

There is a recent study that shows that couples who stayed together after considering divorce 5 years ago were actaully very happy, vs. the ones who actually got divorced were not happy 5 years out. Do an internet search. Try Rutgers in New Jersey. They have a Marriage project. It may have come from there.
Never, never, give-up, but it sounds like you need to learn not to be controling and domineering. Also, can you get her to read any of the marriage builder books?
Good luck,
Susan

Thanks Susan

I guess I never felt I am contolling, but if she says it I guess I am. She's very independant and I've never restricted her. I am familiar with the 5 year. She is very closed to anything right now. Don't know if she'll ever be open. I have a lot of books. I may give one to the priest working with her. Maybe he can get her to read it. She either will or won't. What do I have to lose? Everyone around me told me to move on, but I feel my family is worth fighting for! If she was open to working on things and she read a good marriage book I know she would be positive about things. She thinks because it got to this point that there is NO WAY it can turn around........I know she's WRONG about that. I pray each day she'll see the light. My daughter aks for me everyday and wants me to come home. I sure miss them. If this turns around I'll be the best husband around!