Well once again, out of the blue my wife is appearing to be headed for a angry outburst at me for some reason. Not sure what it is this time, but I have a couple ideas.

I had a bit of an argument with my oldest boy this morning, and to my embarrassement, I called him a "suckbag baby". I am mortified at my actions, and it is not who I am usually, but I did fall into terms that I heard from my cousins when I was little and crying. I don't really know why I said it, and I didn't even actually realize that I said it until tonight.

I picked up the kids from her house and she stated that she felt like we needed to talk about some things. She said "If tonight is not a good time,then soon." I said that tonight was not a good time, which immediately made her angry. I swear this was within 10 seconds of her telling me that if it wasn't,then soon. But she couldn't stand for that to be then end. She then told me that I needed to email her tomorrow and tell her when a good time would be, her attitude and anger, escalating all the while. Ten I said that tomorrow was why tonight was not a good time. But that I would try to let her know. She then said she is not happy with how things are going and that she is "On the edge" or something to that effect. I don't know about what.

Then she says that my son told her what I had said. That was the first that I had heard about it. I realized that I probably did say it, but I really didn't remember saying it. We were angry with each other and he started crying and I was stupid. No excuses and I feel horrible about it. I am not an abusive daddy, but I do stupid things every once in a while. I do slip up although not often, but I do and I hate it when I do.

Tonight, I spoke at length with him about how he is feeling and what is going on with us. He said that he thinks things are fine and that he knows that we are always OK in here, he says pointing to his heart, even when we are angry. I have always told him I was upset with his behavior not him, and he says he understands the difference. He says that he feels OK about things and that he just gets "crazy" sometimes. I asked him how we could be better together and he said that we need to BOTH learn to stop before we get crazy. He said that he starts crying then I get upset, then he crys more, etc., etc.. He is truly an amazing kid. He sees things better than most adults sometimes.

We talked about it for a long time. I asked him how he felt about the divorce and he said that although he wasn't happy with it, he was OK with it. He likes staying at my house and he enjoys being at his mom's as well. He says that she has more rules than she used to when I was there. That she doesn't let things go like she used to because, and these are his words," You always took care of that stuff."

Also, I bought a new black leather jacket, and it looks pretty good. I wore it for the first time today. I suspect that she is also upset that I am 'spending my money'. I pay her twice a month exactly what we decided upon. And I pay off several of our joint bills, but I assume she is mad that I am not using my money to pay them off faster. I don't know, but it is an assumption that I am pretty confident making. I actually bought it on eBay, but it is a new coat and looks great, so I am sure she thinks I spent a bundle on it.

Well, I am sure that she is wanting to talk about this. She has something for which she is right (my poor choice of words with my son) and is ever one to press the advantage should she ever get it. Well, I admit I was absolutely and unabashadly wrong, and I have asked my boy to forgive me and I have prayed to God, so I am OK with my behavior, Not proud, but OK as long as I learn from it. But she will not be satisfied, that is not her style. She will harangue me and blast me, but that is OK as well.

We need to talk about several things on our minds. I know that there are several things that I have been holding back, just for the sake of our minimal relationship. That and the complete lack of trust that she won't attempt to retaliate or even "First Strike" because of something that she perceives that I am saying, doing, or going to do. But the only thing she holds over me are my children, and I am no longer afraid of loosing them. I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a good father, and if she feels that she will try to use them to her ends, then she will be sadly mistaken. I am not afraid to go to war for them. I love them, and nothing else matters. I think that it would be tragic, but I don't think that I would get any less than I have and quite possibly more, according to my lawyer. But as much as I would want to have complete custody of my boys, I wouldn't want to hurt them in any way that was avoidable. And they still love her and I will foster that love, because they need the hope that a woman can be worthy in there life.

They will need to trust women in their lives. They will need to be able to trust that their wives will not repeat the same actions that their mother did. They will hopefully have had a better chance at being a better husband through my mistakes and lessons. I pray that they can learn without feeling the pain that I have, nor requiring the trials that have occurred with their mother and me. She was a good woman. She is a good woman in a way. Only her and God will ever know just what is going on in her mind. Only God and she will ever understand just what sort of 'torment' I put her through and the degree of reality versus perception, (Which I have learned is the only true reality) of the life we led. I look at our lives together and am happy. I loved her without remorse. I loved her regardless of pain that I had. I loved her for every good and bad thing that happened. I was simply dedicated to her and our family.

Now how I carried out that dedication was not as I now wish. I thought that since my dedication, love, and committment was so thorough that her's was as well. That was our downfall. My perception that she felt the same way that I did. My perception that she understood the love that I had for her, and that I was showing it, but in MY way, just not hers. I was a failure in my ability to show her the amount of love that she required. But I truly didn't realize that I wasn't. I know that her friends thought that I was showing her. They commented to me that they were certain that I was a good man, and really, I think that they just thought we were having a tough time. But see, they didn't nor do they still understand just how far afield she was in her affairs at that time.

Therefore, when I talk with her, I am going to confront her about her ongoing affair. She doesn't know that I know about her most recent which started if not before we initially split, then immediately, and I mean immediately upon our split. It makes no real difference to me, as it merely freed me from her. But she wants to believe that her actions should have no bearing on how I feel. That, and I am quoting the future here, "He had nothing to do with our separation." This I predict will be words out of her mouth during our next big conversation. I truly think that she believes that since she did not (or may not) have started anything until after she decided she was done, that it had nothing to do with our separation. She simply cannot see how holding him in her heart had EVERYTHING to do with how she perceived every interaction we had during our reconciliation.

She hurt me so many times upon our breakup. Stupidly trying to make me feel better. 'If I had a magic wand, I would make us happily divorced." Not a happy family. "I think this will be good for our children." "The boys are the only thing that I have to ensure you pay support." quickly followed by "I am not holding them hostage." (Just for the record I have NEVER STATED NOR DESIRED in any fashion to decrease nor hold child support. But she is so guilty that she would hold it if the tables were reversed, she just can't understand nor believe how I am such a better person than she is. In fact I pay her almost double what I have to, just to help out. But she just can't see that.)

She lied to me and said that there was no one else and that she may be able to move with me to another city in which I could practice the type of medicine that I wanted and trained for. But she lied, because there always was another man and she had no intention of ever leaving.

Again she doesn't know that I know, unless she reads these boards. Which she has done in the past. I hope that she does, then she won't be so shocked when I get this off my chest and she KNOWS that I know, but that it makes no real difference. I have known since mid-July, but I have said nothing, because I realized that it would make no difference, and could only hurt us and my time with my boys. That is the ONLY reason that I have not told her. I know that it can only really hurt our relationship, but now I see that I have already allowed it to hurt me by keeping it inside and pretending to her that I don't know. Therefore she can continue to act like there is nothing going on and that she is pure.

I really don't care, but I find myself talking to myself, saying the things I want to say to her. Just to let her know that I am tired of her attitude and to just stop it. That nothing that she does or has done makes any difference any more. I care nothing for her. Nothing other than hurting our children or trying to limit my parenting with them will change how I feel about her and this divorce. That the only thing that she can do is to hurt this separation by denying it or retaliating in some way. If she can just sit there and listen and admit it happened, then I am done with it. We can continue our separate ways. If she forces me to do more, I will go all the way.

I will go to court and fight everything. I will bring everything out in the open, even if it ends up making no difference. I doubt that it would, but she must understand that all she has is to loose more. I want the divorce, because I no longer love her and know that I could not trust her again. I have no respect at all for the woman and if it weren't for our children, would never see her again. But I will do my utmost to remain cordial for our children. I will continue to pay support and maintenance until the support overtakes the total amount I owe, then I will just continue with the child support.

I want to give my children everything. And I can only give them everything I can. I can not give them a whole family with a mother and a father together. As much as I want this, it is not to be. She may see what has occurred some day, but I doubt it. It makes no difference, because by the time that occurs I plan on being smack dab in the middle of a new life. Besides, she is not strong enough to ever admist the was wrong. I bet she has admitted she was wrong less than 5 times during our marriage.

I will not let her have any further hold on me outside of our children. That is the limits of what I am capable of. I look at her and see nothing. I see a beautiful shell of nothing. I used to see love, honor, respect, and devotion, but now I see and feel nothing. I don't feel hate. I don't feel anger. Sometimes I feel pity, more because even after I realized my shortcomings, she simply would not allow herself to see her's. I know that we could have had a great life, but she had gone so far that she was unwilling to return.

She said a couple times. 'I would have been so happy if this had only happened before hand.' I don't really understand what she means. Whether it means that she feels that she has now found something better therefore she is not willing to settle. Or if she means that she can not live with the memory of the affairs, being reminded each day she sees me. I really have no idea. Maybe it is that she has found something so much better than a whole family and loving spouse.

Who knows, but I believe....

I believe as GIIC stated...

God has someone out there that he is working on, making her ready for me just as he is making me ready for her. I hold to that thought with everything that I am. I hold to that idea, moving ahead, but always ready to lend myself to someone.

Tomorrow I am interviewing for my first 'Real Job'. I am 34 and have had about 25 jobs over the years. Mostly working several at once. But now I am interviewing for the job that all this crap was made for. The final realization of 28 years of education. The pay off...

I feel so hollow. I had always thought that I would be taking trips to all sorts of places with my wife, looking at jobs on their dime. Being wined and dined ad infinatum. Now I havn't even told her I am interviewing. I don't know when or if I will tell her. It is none of her business, as long as I pay her the appropriate support payment. She has nothing to do with anything I do anymore. It makes me feel so bad. She thinks that I did all this for myself. In actuallity, I did it, every single bit of it, for my family.

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Good doc,

My friend. She is telling you that "you did it all for yourself" because that is a huge EXCUSE TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.

I personally cannot take one more ounce of the "liberal good divorce" crap anymore. Like her "wave the wand and be happily divorced" poo. Austin has said the same thing. Today he said so foggily, "just want us to become best friends (?) and then maybe one day we can try...."...His voice just trailed off. Like he could just pick up one day out of the blue and I would be waiting there, who knows how many years later, and welcome him in with open arms. And have dinner ready on our table with a large CAKE FOR DESSERT.

All parents do things we regret. You are a great dad. And a really great person. Think you are so interesting. She just forgot. Just like Austin. He forgot that others find me very pretty, others think I am kinda smart, and even funny. Had the fiftieth something patient today tell me I look like Reese Witherspoon.

She will go bezerk when you do date though. Austin already does. That will be when it will sink in. Because so much time has passed since separating, he already has probably assumed Ihave broken our promise to keep to each other as he broke it so long ago. But I haven't.

My stbx has left me with all of the joint bills to pay. And I pay it out of my job and out of alimony. Am going to ask for all of my reimbursement on that in settlement...Should be another eight to ten thousand. And he thinks I have it easy? One half of all the alimony is sent to joint accounts he ran up.

Got an email from her today. I was right, everything I expected from her was stated and a new one that I hadn't known about, but would have guessed had I the information.

She was angry that I have a new coat and the kids don't have enough pants. They have not worn pants since April or May until this week. And until Saturday I did not see a pair of their pants at all. Now I am bad because they don't have enough and I bought a coat for myself. Well I have bought them several shirts, belts, shorts, and shoes in the last two months. I didn't know that they needed more pants, but boy I sure heard about it in a "regular old way". This is how she approached things our whole marriage. Perceive me as being hurtful and then go for the jugular. Well, I would buy them the moon if I thought they needed it. She is just pissed about everything.

She then goes on to tell me that I have a membership to the gym but no Washing machine? Not sure where that comes from, but I would rather take my laundry to the laundry mat and have a place to workout and release some stress than sit and watch the dryer cycle. Besides, it is my choice how I spend my money. I am so, so, so very tired of her lunacy.

She then tells me that there is a "problem with the wiring in the hall" and she "is awake all night afraid that the house is going to burn down. But she doesn't have money to have it fixed." I just want to cry. She has bought more clothes than I have seen in a long time and her weight while decreasing some, has not changed that much I don't think.(Meaning her clothes don't seem to be absolutely necessary.) But she is mad at me for the wiring going bad as well. You would think she wouldn't want all those new clothes to be burned up in a house fire. Hmmmmm... I can't wait until the roof leaks, that will be my fault as well. Or she plugs up the sink. I will be to blame for that as well. Or the lightbulb goes out in the lamp. I am such a [censored]!!!

She also stated in her email that I don't correspond with her and refuse to reply to her emails. Well there has only been one in the last several weeks that I did not reply to and it really required no reply, but anyway. Then she states that she didn't mean that I don't reply, just not to every thing she brings up.

She then says that she is there for me. She wants to be supportive for me, but she can't if I don't tell her what is going on. She says that she is worried about my mental and emotional health. Because I can't hide my disgust when I see her and I can't act like nothing happened to us. She is the queen of the repressors. She can just push everything down. She always has been able to do that, but it always came back out later and more inappropriately. She used to blame me that I was "withholding my love" after arguments, because I didn't want to just jump back into acting like nothing had happened. I would kind of remove myself and think about what happened. She thought I did it to punish her. Everything I have ever done has been to punish her she feels. That is as big of a problem as we ever had. That was one of the poisons that was inherent in our relationship. I just tried to disregard her craziness and go on. But she just kept stacking it up.

She cried tonight when I came to get the kids. Stated that she was broke and her check would not be deposited until Friday. She had no gas. She almost started in with the attack at first, lucky for her she did not. Because as it was, I just went out and got my checkbook and paid her the second half of support/maintenance a week early. I had just received a check in the mail so it did not put me on too hard of times. I also gave her a $20 bill for gas until she could get the money deposited. She just started crying.

As I walked out the door, she cryingly said that she was serious about being there for me and wanting to support me.

She just doesn't get it. She is the problem. She is the reason that I feel the way that I do. She is the reason that my family is torn asunder. Her repeated infidelity is the reason that we cannot have a "good" divorce. She just can't understand that I don't ask for support from those I don't respect. I don't ask for help from those that I cannot call a friend. I do not deal with people whom have torn up anyone's family. Much less mine. Much less her own. MUCH MUCH LESS MY CHILDREN'S.

Funny thing is, tonight was the first time in a long time in which I saw a hint of the woman that I loved and cared for so long ago. I know that it probably dissappeared as soon as the door closed behind me, but it was the first time I saw even for an instant, the woman that I married.

Oh yes, and one other thing kind of along the vein of Austin. She wrote another email saying that she prayed for me today with a true friend in God. Or something to that effect. She is such a hipocrit I can't stand it. If she has even read the cover of a Bible I would be surprised, much less anything within it. She made me furious with that statement, like she is some saint that is looking out for me in my time of need. If she took 5 minutes and read Ephesians 5, or anything else for that matter she would at least have a miniscule chance of understanding something about Christianity. But she is going for the good divorce. The God sanctioned event. The "Jesus doesn't want me to be sad." kind of divorce. Well she would be right, he doesn't want her sad, but I doubt that this is what he has in mind to remedy her sadness.

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

FC,

I don't mean to upset you but,your last post made me cry. I am not sure why, maybe it is because Divorce just hurts so much. Maybe it was because some of the things you said about your wife reminded me of the person I use to be. I was always wanting my husband to fill my needs, needs that he was not made to fill.I excepted so much from him and let him know when he fell short.

It is hard for me to think of some of the things I use to say to my husband. God has really changed me a lot. I just hope my husband will someday forgive me for how I hurt him.He said I would never change.Now ,he has even said that I have change a lot and told others. I never meant to hurt my husband. I thought I knew what was best for him. There was a time that I didn't believe I loved him. I never went out on him but I thought I loved someone else. I never even told the other persone how I felt. I cried out to God and ask him to restore my love for my husband. God was faithful and gave me a love for my husband than I never knew exsisted.

The problem was that I had hurt my husband so much that he didn't no how to handle or trust my love for him. I didn't know that he knew how I had felt about not loving him, until after he had left.He had believed that I had a relationship with this other person. I finally figured it out
months after he had left. Our marraige was a mess when he left. I was so hurt at him not loving me and his heart had grown hard toward me.

Things are much better now and we are not divorced. We do things together with our daughters and he visits a lot . Him and I have became friends. I have told him I am sorry for the things I did to him.

I know everything wasn't my fault. He played his part also. Things were just a mess.

I am telling you this because I believe all people can change.It takes the Lord and time. When someone says that someone will never change, I think of my husband saying that about me.I now know that if I can change anyone can. It took me reaching a bottle to change. Everyone has a different bottom to each. Some may never reach their bottom. All we can do is pray for the other person. I am not taking up for your wife, she is going to have to want to change.But I do believe
that prayers can give her a desire to change. I know that she has got to be in a lot of pain because she dosn't feel good about herself, not really. You did not cause her pain but she doesn't know that, not yet.

I hope you don't think I am trying to say you should put up with her behavior. I am just saying what was on my heart after reading your post. I guess I am saying to pray for her to feel her pain so she can get better.

gentle

<small>[ October 08, 2002, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>