Alot of you know my situation. Separated, we have 2 1/2 yr old daughter. I moved out (mutaual) Separated 5 weeks. Divorce papers served to me almost 3 weeks ago.

We haven't talked or seen each other since. I don't know if she'll come out of fog. I did type a nice WAW letter. Short and sweet. I go to counseling religously. We don't go to the same church now--my choice (I didnt want to make her uncomfortable. We have been married 3 years, together 7. I have been the problem. I was pushing her away. I had an EA a year and a half ago. She has known (I came clean) but she has never forgiven. She has not seen a counselor or our priest. I know she is unwilling to go to joint counseling. I am praying for some type of counseling for her and joint down the road. I have admitted my mistakes, I have taken responsibility and made no excuses. I have not been the husband I coul have/should have been. Our first 5 years together were great, but due to a child and 2 businesses we haven't been there for each other (lots of arguing and name calling) I know now what I should have done. I due admit she has tried in her ways and this drastic situation has made me want to try. I am working on myself and am feeling better. I do not have the anger anymore (good counselors are worth their weight in gold!). I just wish she could see the possibilies in hope! I know she won't go back to the way it was and neither do I. I just want that "1" chance to prove I can be that guy she once knew. Trust can be rebuilt, slowly, but surely. What can I do? Our divorce will be final at end of December. I know deep inside she still must love me!!?? I care so much about her. Do I just let it run it's course and whatever happens happens. Do I talk to mutual friends after time goes by to help and get involved? Do I have my counselor contact her in a few weeks? (we both went to her a year ago 3x, but I felt we could work on it ourselves, BIG MISTAKE) I'm just afaraid in the meantime some guy will come along and say the right things and take advantage of her and the situation, making my chances harder. What about her living expenses (already paying child support)? Do I help pay 1/2 of her rent? Or will she view this as manipulation? Or do I let her see how it will be financially on her own?

Any help is appreciated in my situation.

Hi Al-

There are a lot of similarities between your story and mine. Of course, I'm coming from the other end, and can more relate to your W. I just wanted to tell you I think you are doing a great job. Just keep working on you. That is the only reason I'm still with my H. Just continue to show her that you are changing to make you a better person. Show her that you aren't happy with the way things were, and you won't let that situation return.

As far as helping out with the $.....That is a tough one. If you can afford it, and can do it without expecting ANYTHING in return....I say go for it. She needs to see your changes in action.

I wish you LUCK and HEALING!!!

Keep Smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks Jen,
Any information you might have in regards to my wife will be greatly appreciated. Some say do little things she will notice, without anyone bringing them to her attention. Some say to send the priest an audio tape he can play for her were I acknowledge my mistakes and tell her how I am going to change them, so she will have security if she decides to return. I like this idea, but will she care/want to hear from me or will she feel it is manipulating her? I am sincere and willing to sell my business to save the marriage. I do love her, but how do I get this accross to her?

Al-

First of all, I don't know how the trust issue is with you and your W. Ours was SO bad, if my H told me the sky was blue, I would run outside and check just to be sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Thus, nothing he "said" to me made ANY difference what-so-ever. It was all about ACTION!!!

I didn't want to hear how he was going to go cut the grass, I wanted to see him out there doing it. Catch my drift? I will tell you that I didn't trust his actions at first either, but after him being consistant for a while, I began to feel like maybe he was really changing. The thing I liked best, was that he seemed happier with himself, not just for me, but for him. I honestly believe making changes for someone else won't last. You have to want something better for you to get lasting results.

Case in point....I had been trying to lose weight for a while (for my H) and didn't seem to be getting anywhere. Once I wanted to look good for me, off came 70 pounds in 4 months, and I've been maintaining for almost a year.

We often do things for other people, and build resentment because we don't really want to do what we are doing. Figure out what you want for YOU, make it stick, and she will see the changes.

Try to keep Smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks,
But currently she has a restraining order...she does not want to talk to me or see me. How do I prove anything with actions here. She tells everyone I am a liar, because she hears things I say through 3rd parties that are not what I really said. I had me daughter today and I sent her home with her cothes washed and folded and a new toy, diapers and I put a package of gourmet coffee (wifes favorite) attached to the coffee I put an envelope with $100 inside it and wrote "for whatever you need". Is this on the right track. I want her to see I can be the caring guy she fell in love with. Someone said she truly loves you, she made sacrifices for you but, she feels you do not love her so she had to get a divorce. They say I was pushing her away and I didn't know it.

Al

You are kind to your xW. Have you gotten a phone consult w/Harleys yet? This would be very good. You need to find out what to do. Whether A or B is right plan for you and your present situation. I think w/restraining order, you must keep distance and let her go for a while. But your kindness with the gourmet coffee was wonderful. I just do not know what is best for you so I think you should talk to the pro's for best advice. Call and get an appt. This is gret for you...

Or find a local counselor who uses MB principles. Get that professional advice. You seem to be doing a very good plan A, but you xW has the restraining order. Why did she want one? What is the whole story...Let us know b/c I almost got one on wH but it was for verbal/physical confrontation. He got really angry after my finding out he had been with OW. Took it out on me. You have to let us know, ugly stuff too, so we can get a better idea of A or B. But do call the counseling center for best advice. We are free, but hey, we aren't professionals.

Well just learned she posted her profile on another dating service sight kiss.com! Wonderful she signed up a day before our anniversary! This makes matters good. I was feeling good, now this. Any way in August I found her post on dreammates.com and then she started emailing this stranger telling him lies (we werent living together) and such. Of course I was mad. Now realize why she did it......she was lonely for attention I wasnt giving. She felt I dont love her. I took her for granted and was terrible to her this last year. We had ups and downs, but I could have done much more. I got upset......irrational in August because I picked up on clues she wanted out........pressured her all the time. She led me on until I left. She had quite the emails to this guy. Dont blame her though. I just wish she would realize she has a man who loves her right under her nose and we can rebuild our marriage. Of course I threw a can of soda against the fridge when I saw dreammates post. I also threatened and was mad she wouldnt tell me anything. She kept bringing up that I had an EA--I confessed. I grabbed pleaded etc. She says she was scared, but stayed in the same house????? I did grab and plead for answers. I'm sure my voice and irrational demenor didnt help matters. Also, Im sure her lawyer advised her of this. She signed restraing order 2 weeks before I moved out. Wasnt served until day after I moved out....hmmmmmmmmm. I didnt fight it in court. I didnt want to open old wounds for her because I want her to heal and forgive me. See lawyers love this because if you cant talk or see them then theres more of a chance they will go through with it and they get paid MORE$$$$$$$$$$.
Alan