Austin calls tonight. I mistakenly pick up phone. Claims he wants to speak to son, who is usually asleep at this time. sTrangely, he asks if son is asleep? Wierd request. Like how he used to do things when he wanted to spend the night like he did two months ago. But I said, no son is asleep and I am sick as a dog.

He then goes on to say that "if you are sick, let me know and I will take care of him or my mom or dad can...blah blah blah". Then goes on to say that he is going outta town for the weekend on another supposed business trip. I don't care really. I said then the big LB. "Do you even know what it is like to be puking your head off and have every inch of your body hurt like heck and have nobody in this damn town to help you?" He says that I am confrontational. I then told him that "IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO EVEN SPEAK TO YOU. UNTIL GOD CHANGES YOUR HEART I KNOW I HAVE TO KEEP MY DISTANCE TO YOU. GOODNESS KNOWS I DON'T MATTER AT ALL TO YOU. SO I AM JUST WANTING NO CONTACT ALL RIGHT?". I did say after that "I do in fact pray for you every night and so does our son". He said thank you.

I hate the man he has become. Not him. The sin. All of it has just sucked the real man out of him. All that is left is this cartoon character. The proverbial sucessful businessman with probably several girlfriends, weekend dad, and a hedonistic lifestyle. Oh, that is so fulfilling.

My god. I know I am sick with flu and it is probably making me really cranky now, but I am so sick of being alone. Just want the D to get done so I can legally NOT BE ALONE ANY MORE. So I can one day have someone there who does love me in sickness and in health. To send me flowers or a card to pick me up. I deserve this. Am so tired of being the charter member of "CONVENT OF THE BLESSED CELIBATE SISTERHOOD". I am restless and achy. The house is a mess. I am usually very clean with house. I did do the dishes today and cleaned up the kitchen. The rest can wait until the weekend. Think I am so lonely.

I wasted eight years of my life with this man. He is something I do not know or understand. Like that movie "exorcist" where the priest says, let me speak to (name of linda blair). The demon has taken over their body but somewhere deep down lies the real person still. I couldn't believe he wanted me to ACTUALLY CALL THE IL'S. I havent spoken to them in almost 9 months now. And I don't ever want to again unless they apologize. Or do some kind of act that is equal to an apology. Plus they are and have been doing the same thing Austin has done in their own lives. Like I would call them outta the blue and ask them to take care of my sick butt. And pigs will sprout wings.

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go back home. Where my family is. Where my lifelong friends are. I have friends here, I have a job here, I am respected here, but it isn't the same. Nothing is the same since I moved to this state. And he just doesn't have a conscience at all about anything. I am just crying now. First time I got really sick in several years. First time I have ever been sick and my family couldn't get to me. Seven hours is just too far to drive. And a flight isn't cheap.

I was not a bad wife. Just far too trusting and let things slide. I am understanding to a fault, I guess. Am attractive, smart and we have a beautiful little boy. Isn't that enough? No. Not for mr. excess. Why have one wife when you can have a harem? WEll I don't want to be a part of this harem any longer. This is enough. Plan B is for me for sure. It has worked so well. Just goes to show even when I am accidentally not adhering to B what can happen. You can get sucked in to their little schemes. I have to stay away until either situation is fully answered. We have to finish the divorce now. I know it. There is no pretending. Only thing is if he ever changes before it is way too late with me. However, I fear it already is. Tonight I lashed out at him, although just a little bit only, because the man I loved is no more. And I told him so. Told him that until he is changed by God that I want NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM AND CANNOT BE AROUND HIM B/C IT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. That I have to grow now.

What is wrong with these people. What in God's green, beautiful world makes them this way. Isn't there any truth in marriage vows anymore? Does anyone take them seriously?

Know I can't even speak to him for five minutes now. I have become so hard line now about plan B. That if I don't see any improvement on his behalf, I cut him off. Cut him off immediately. So even when I accidentally picked up phone thinking it was my sister and it was him, stuck to my guns and to plan B. It is a godsend. To not have to deal with him anymore this way, that is.

Until and if and maybe never, only if God changed this man inside and out, he can continue just peering into my cozy house, see how life is and how life is good here. He can be an outsider wishing to come in but unable to break his sinful nature. He can let his whole world go away. He will have to face this music alone.

Last weekend I was at a coffee shop near my practice and there was this cute guy behind me. He asked what I was drinking. Nonfat mocha. He talked to me a bit. That was it. He was a corp. attorney. Today when the practice manager at the clinic called to find out if I was doing well, she said, "a very nice guy called today and wanted to speak to you. Said he had a nonfat mocha with you the other day. He was very nice and apologetic when we told him you were sick with the flu. That is the kind of guy you should speak to again". Floored me. I didn't know he called my office. I casually told him where I worked. My co workers and the docs I work with are all hoping I will get a date one day soon and quit scarring off the guys. Say I directly sabotage everything and everyone that comes my way. I am not. Just holding out a bit. I think I will know when I meet Mr. Right. I may have already met him, or God isn't ready to reveal him to me yet. But he is out there. And Austin had better get ready b/c if I move on and my heart totally hardens to him, he will see how the other shoe fits. Will all come around to bite him. The practice manager said to me today. "We just don't think you should give Austin another chance. We all know he will attempt at some time to come back. Why wouldn't he? We've seen what is out there and you are more than a guy could ask for". "Now just be good and speak to the nice man if he calls you. A cup of coffee isn't adultery you know. Not like there is a home to wreck is there?" That hurt when she said that to me, but it is the truth. They want what is best. So does my family. Do you guys think it is really moving on time? I am beginning to think so. I know in my heart I do not want to be alone again on new year. I have paid my dues. Still faithful in the Biblical sense to Austin. But my heart is in a million pieces and I want to glue them back together again. Going to put a log on the fire tonight and get somewhat cozy and take some phenergan to make me zzzzzzzzz.

Didn't mean to ramble here, but I am so damn sick of being alone and damn sick of being, well, sick.

Just put the log on the fire. Watched briefly an mtv special about Hugh Hefner. He is Austin in about forty years. This guy makes me want to scream. He is living in a virtual fantasy. Hate to see him on his death bed. Wonder if any of his women really mattered to him? Heck no. Just a life of cars, babes, mansions, and excess. Walking around the house wearing a satin smoking jacket like he is mr. cool.

Hasn't anyone got it yet? There is so much to life , so much more than THINGS. Things break. You have to buy new ones when they do. And unless you categorize your loved ones in the THINGS area, you cannot go out and buy a new one when they emotionally break. I am sooooo queasy now. Marching off directly to take the phenegran.

NPinGA,
So sorry for your ill health and low spirits! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I just wanted to remind you to hang in there and keep rowing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You are made of strong stuff; you've got the moxie to survive, and survive with flair, through all this crap. I do strongly suspect you are feeling worse because of being sick. When our bodies are physically run down to that degree, it seriously impacts our mental state. So try not to despair too much okay?.. Tomorrow WILL look better, and once your body is feeling back to normal, everything will seem brighter. At least a little brighter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Take care of yourself, and don't go back to work until you are really ready. Keep your eyes on God, and pray for His comfort. He will provide you with what you need. And remember, NO CONTACT WITH 'AUSTIN'. Be clear about that. Don't react, don't engage, just stay with the specifics. Until your heart has totally released him, that's the only way to stay sane. I'll keep praying for you.
P.S. Make sure to get the guy's phone number when you're back at work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

((((((((Peachy)))))))))

But not getting too close - don't want to get sic too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I hate that you have the flu! It's not fair.

I can second EVERY word that you wrote. About the ILS, about Ex offering to help - but probably secretly hoping that you will not take hi up on the offer - same thing happened to me - yes I'm thowing up and sick and have the kids and Ex offers to help - yeah right, at least I was able to call my parentsm which you cannot.

You are so strong, and I know it's hard to be strong going through all this, especially being a single mom. I tremdously admire all the single parents out there. I don't know how they do it, and the fact that things get done at all amazes me - maybe it's the 4 kids that are making it extra crazy - but then there are people like still reelinf and miserynmissouri and they ahve lots of kids and yet still are in there for the full count every day. I want to be like them when I grow up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You will know when it is time to move on - I kow it sounds corny, but it's the truth.

I am in VERY ANGRY stage with Ex and cannot see a future with him AT ALL. I want more now, not the marriage we had, where the world revolved around him. There is so much more, and I want it, and will settle for nothing less.

And it seems as if lonely is part of the territory - we're all LONELY. It's terrible, but I'm hoping that God will provide me with people in my life to relieve that loneliness until Mr. Right comes along.

Even when you are down - you are on the rigth track.

Ex gave in for the holidays and for my birthday - he was being such a jerk about them, so I have teh kids tomorrow and on Halloween. I now have to figuere out a property settlement that I can live with and then I can safely move onto custody.

I hope the phenergen worked - if I was there I'd hold you hair for you while you puked - it's the least I could do. I know it sucks not to have anyone around, but we're all here feeling sick right alont with ya.

Remember to only drink clear liquids and not until you are not nauseated anymore. Need some popsicles?

Take care of yourself, and try and get some rest - if that's possible.

Hang in there. K

Hi NPIGA! So sorry you're sick... I've been away for a few days, and last post I read of yours you were saying son is sick hope you don't catch it. Cheer up - I know when my wife or I get sick with something, we just say, "Lord, I'm soooooo glad I don't have to feel this crappy ALL the time, that this is only temporary!" Hope this helps - we know you'll be on the re-bound and going strong as ever in no time!
Here's a *********** few flowers for a "GET WELL".
Harold

Hey Peachy, must be nice if you have to deliberately sabotage a bunch of prospects until your divorce is final <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ! But you're taking the right approach, there will be plenty of time and opportunity for romance when you decide.

Are you thinking about moving back to MS when this is over? Do you think Austin would fight it? Best to prepare the groundwork now.

Hope you're feeling better- I was sending e-cards and those made me thing of you. Hope you are doing ok. I know it's tough to be sick with all of this mess going on. Hang in there. K

Doing a bit better today. Still really weak. Felt so weak this morning at work. But they scheduled first patient at 11 am. I am so blessed to have those folks.

I realize now that I can't have anything to do with Austin now. You guys are right and thank you so much for your prayers and wisdom.

The guy from the coffee shop did call today. Ironically asked if I would care to have another nonfat mocha but with company?????

WHAT IN THE HECK SHOULD I DO? He is pretty cute and he is emotionally stable, or seems to be. Educated. JD/MBA. Says he even reads. I told him about my situation. He says that is fine. That rushing anything is not a good idea anyway.

SO WHAT DO I DO???

I have my son this weekend with me. Don't want him singing like a bird to Austin, although I have been around other males, just friends though. And I told this guy that I would only be friends for now, until the d is final. And he said having more friends is a good thing. Name is John. Very nice guy. But as I said earlier, am afraid I will be too easy a target for anyone b/c compared to Austin Powers, even a halfway decent guy will look like prince charming. Afraid I guess.

I don't know. I am waiting for some guy that God puts in my life to just sweep me off my feet. But he has to win my heart first. Oh, and my mind as well. Love my son and love me equal but differently.

And it does stink when you're sick and there is nobody around. Especially like you said K, when the IL's pretend to want to help when you know damn well that they do not. They just go behind that "church lady facade". That's what I call it. Enough to make a totally well person sick..lol..

Son wants to go and eat some sushi with me. Can you believe this???First broccoli for a snack and then some sushi? I LOVE MY SON HE IS SO AWESOME. Our crab Shelldy is still alive and creeping. Glad to know that my pre med liberal arts/biology education has gone to good use--successfully building and maintaining a crab habitat. LMAO!!!!

Hi NPIGA! Glad you're feelin' better - I HATE being sick, so I sure sympathized with you, esp. the kind you had.
Ha! One of the few benefits of my Gulf Illness is that I haven't gotten the flu or a cold since I came back from the war. What a trade-off! O well, 'nuff about me. I'm sure I echo everyone on these Boards when I say "Glad You're Better Again!!"
Harold

Peachy,

You are at a dangerous point of "Waiting for someone to sweep you off your feet." Anyone at this point given half a brain and a shot may have the opportunity to do that. Please don't wait for someone to do that. What I mean is, that after so much turmoil in your life, anyone will start to look good that treats you well. He may not be the guy that you need to be with however.

Sometimes, especially after things such as this, you are so emotionally drained that you may not be able to recognize just exactly what you want and need given someone 'going after" you. Given the fact that you have said in several posts that you want someone to just come in and clean house so to speak, make everything better and alright, be completely supportive and safe, etc. That is what we all want. BUT That is unlikely to happen, and if it does would be completely dangerous, because we can get so caught up in the moment and the good that we are unable to see the bad.

I think that if you feel interested in this guy, you should go have coffee with him. I think starting off slow is so much better than being swept off your feet. Because it gives you something to base all the future relationships on, Other than your relationship with Austin. Which has turned out bad and anything else will look good in comparison.

Don't wait to be swept off your feet. Because you might loose your footing and be unable to stand on your own. Take solid steps toward your and your son's future. Go out with him for lunch or something, then go home. Don't do any more. That will give you enough of a "taste" to see if it feels right, maybe you will feel that it is too early and still be OK, maybe you will feel that another lunch is OK or maybe dinner. Don't take the guy that shows up at work with flowers, suit, and a limo. You will be killed in the process.

Take care of yourself. Do what you feel in your heart. If you want to wait until you are divorced, then don't put yourself in the position to have to choose. Stay your course and just go out with friends. If you are thinking that dating is OK at this point, then do that. But don't do it because others think you should or that you are afraid of being alone. Don't set an artificial goal of New Years, because that can push you into something that you might regret far more than being alone on New Years eve.

I am here. We can discuss our feelings about this subject ad infinatum if you wish. I am always full of opinions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Some are not so good maybe, but some may be OK. My feeling is that the more avenues that I can see from other people, the better able I will be able to choose when it is time to make my choice.

<small>[ October 19, 2002, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

I agree totally. You're right. Impulse means explosion. That is what happened when I met Austin in the first place. Just broke up w/college boyfriend and bingo three months later here he is. I am going to meet him briefly for coffee tonight to be nice. Explained the situation already to him. Will keep just as friends. Then I am going (alone) to take son to chuck e. cheese. Going to have a night out w/son. And while I am at bookstore/coffee shop, I am going to get him a little book.

And you are right, I do acknowledge that anybody that is halfway decent is going to make themselves appear to be a prince wh en compared to Austin. I want to be friends first. Become familiar with them, the person first. That is so much more important to me. Far more than this other stuff. So much time has already passed out of my life. Maybe it is because I see people on a daily basis whose lives are going to be cut short. Maybe it is b/c my dad died a few years ago, but I keep feeling like these last two years were totally wasted now. But yes, I am a better person for doing the things I have done. Way better now. At least there is one good thing I have finally realized when it will come to future relationships. And that one is this: if you don't feel it with that person, that romantic tingly thing, it will never come. Like with my buddy who told my friends he can't wait until my d to ask me out (which made me really mad actually deep down). If he were a good friend, he would truly want what is best for my son and I and not put himself into the picture. And as far as feeling that something different, I do not. And it was strange. I felt it after a few dates with Austin. But he sold me so well on himself, everything. Zeroed in on my wants and needs. I was strong yet a tiny bit vulernable b/c I knew my college boyfriend for so very long. He was the guy everybody including family members wanted me to marry. But guess what he did. He lied to me. And it broke something inside of me when he did that b/c he was also my best friend. And years pass. Six and a half to be exact, and lies of titanic proportions are told to me and I choose instead to see if I can help this situation out with Austin. Maybe it was because I bailed out on my college boyfriend prematurely, maybe it was simply because I took my vows and family to heart. But I stayed and did my best attempting to meet whatever EN's he said he was low in the LB on.

But these two years have been so long. I understand the struggle of everyone here. It is not the easiest thing in the world to come here and get advice either. You definitely have to suck up your pride. And by my posting here after being on A/B last year was almost a defeating feeling for me. I remember thinking that I wanted to get into the recovery posts so bad. That my marriage would be different. That Austin would wake up. But he never did and got sucked down into that foggy stuff even further.

But I want more children one day. I want my son to have a very positive male role model in his life. To give my little boy a whole family to grow up in, although it may not ever be with his real father. It aches that my son had all of this happen at the age of barely 2 years. To understand he may never be able to remember how it felt to have mommy and daddy under the same roof kills me inside. To know that the simplest of traditions on holidays has to be structured so that one holiday is spent with his mom, the other with his dad. It is killing me. I hate this. And for what? What in the end was the catalyst for his marriage breaking apart? Utter selfishness. And coveting a woman that he could not have. In the end, just as it says in the Bible in Proverbs 5, "bitter as wormwood". Yep. He got nothing in the end. But he lost everything. She couldn't get him to marry her fast enough so she checked out and onto another man now.

But there is so much good. I am so much a stronger and more loving woman now than ever before. I know I have so much even more now to offer a special guy one day. There is so much more that I can do now than in one year earlier. I am financially adept enough to survive on my own as a primary parent. Generated respect among my peers in my profession. Made new friends. I take much better care of myself. I may not have the money to go out and buy all the clothes I really need, but I look better, believe it or not. And I find the greatest joy in the little things of life.

I am not going to rush into anything at all. It's been two years getting to know me and getting through all this poop. But I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And there is indeed light. It is certainly not easy to walk a mile in our shoes. Especially for our kids. But if we do it well, they will learn from our example. My son knows how much I love him. He tells me so every day. We spend so much quality time together. I just treasure every moment with him. Why couldn't Austin just have done this BEFORE we had a child??? Why didn't they do this before having children???It doesn't make any sense.

Guess I have just fought this good fight so very long that I want a very happy ending to this story. Although I must admit, the story is already getting happier now. Even without a prince.

Was taking a bath after playing w/son and phone rang. Again couldn't see caller id. But Austin is supposed to be out of town right? So I safely pick it up. It is Austin. He says he wants to know if "I want some time to myself, to go out with my friends, etc." Then he said, "Are you guys feeling better? Flu over?" Then he said he had returned early. This is wierd. Business trip for just one night? Not like Austin at all. I am thinking it maybe wasn't business at all. Maybe something that didn't work out, if you get my drift. We did catch him doing the internet dating thing behind ms. monkey's back early in march. So maybe he was up to meeting some girl for a romantic rendezvous. That would be more like him. Too expensive to hop a flight for just one day. He would usually stay until monday and catch earliest flight in the am back.

Anyway, I told him that I had things planned with son today, but that it was kind to offer. Then he asked about tomorrow. IF he could pick him up here and have him. I again told him this was my weekend and it was already planned. That tomorrow after church I am taking him to a fall festival at another church w/pony rides, etc. Told him I would take photos however. So he is nice. I thank him for calling. I am not chatty or anything. Kind but only answering questions. This is my plan B. Very different from how I was before.

So Austin, poor Austin is alone tonight. But probably not for long. He is a single dad and lonely now. At least this part of the fog is lifting a bit. But no change in him whatsoever. He just thinks I should drop any plans I make with my son and let him have him. Nope, this is why we have attorneys and why we are divorcing. It is just not the happy family anymore. He would like it to be a happily broken apart family but it is not his way. He just can't get it through his thick head that LIFE JUST DOES NOT FLOW IN ONE DIRECTION--YOURS.

When all is said and done, I hope it will all be worth it for him. To have broken up his family for the love of an invisible woman. One who is no longer even on the scene, and his soulmate as he once professed. She betrayed him. Yes, she did that. Yet we, his family, are still paying for this awful destruction from him.

I do so well until I hear him. It just makes the whole two years of torture come crashing down around me. I don't want him this way at all. He is just horrible. How could he have done this to his family? Must've been easy for him. With his "soulmate" there to support him and all. He once told me this. Just another example of the crap that is the fog. "After I made the decision for divorce, I would have totally fell apart if it were not FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT OF MS. MONKEY". Geez. If it were not for the "love and support" among other t hings she gave to him (and to other married men from what pi found out) he might still have a family and wife around.

I am sorry. Son is over here and his best friend just came over for a play date. They will be playing for another hour. They are so cute. And I am so happy to be getting out of the house tonight and going to do something with son. Even getting that cup of coffee is going to be ok. But after talking with Austin, it just blows me away. I just really wonder if we, the BS, ever really do get over their doing this to their families. Like someone just took a fully written book, a family novel, and ripped out half of the book. Then the person expects us to be able to read half the book and it make sense. Half of the story is there. The other half is gone.

I was doing so well until I heard his voice. His "good afternoon. how are you? " I hate to hear his fake happy self. It is dread that overcomes me when I hear his voice now. Why is that? I don't understand this at all. I used to love this man so very much. Now I just dread any form of communication with him. If he never changes it may be for the best now. I am not sure how those who recover their marriages do it. But I know God must play the central role in that because it would take superhuman strength for me to even be in the same room with him now.

Sometimes I just want to scream. Just want to yell at him "why did you think your grand plan would work out? Did you think that it would all fall into place like you wanted?... That son would just bounce happily between your home and mine and ms. monkey would become just like mrs. brady from the tv show? That I would just be happy with your decision too, after all if it is what makes YOU happy it should make ME happy right? And we'd live all separately but happily ever after with you and the monkey queen in the castle?" Well it didn't work out at all like that for austin. But he is a master of sales. Will be no time for him to find that perfect next person. But this last one was different. Ms. Monkey was the predator. She has gone after married men before and he probably won't be her last. Four of them and the second marriage that ended in divorce because of her involvement. Mind you, that Austin did do half of that damage, but SHE KNEW UP FRONT HE WAS MARRIED, WITH A SMALL CHILD, LIVING STILL WITH HIS WIFE. No misconceptions. No lies about that. Nope. She saw the outside. Saw the material things and coveted them. That was it. Lasted a little over a year and a half before she got tired of work and no payoff. So she went back to the happy hunting ground. At least with the last one she garnished a five carat diamond and rides on a lear jet. Here, just a guy with alot of debt accumulating and a wife who was going to, if the divorce had to be done, do it right as she does in her personal life.

I am just sick of ever having to hear his voice. If I had been out of the bathtub, I would have seen caller id and not picked it up. Life is so easy if I stay with plan B. I don't want to have to remember anymore. I don't want to remember how it was before he changed. Or maybe he didn't. Maybe he was indeed someone else after all. Just sold me on him.

Gotta finish cleaning up here now while the kids are upstairs playing.

Sorry for the vent here. But I am just wondering what does he think he can do here? I am so tired of his barging in and just upsetting the status quo. He knows I don't want anything to do with him unless he met my requirements for change. He hasn't and I am not giving in. I didn't LB. I was just strangely controlled as I have been for the last month. And plan B is for the last straw. For when there is little love left at all and for protection emotionally for the BS. That is why I am where I am today.

Ms. Monkey'Ho - proof that evolution DOES go in reverse Heheheheeeee.
Da Pied Piper...

I HAD COFFEE. THE WHOLE THING ABOUT MY FEELING LIKE A VACUUM CLEANER SUCKED OUT MY SOUL IS STILL APPARENT.

Went to coffee tonight for about an hour. Got son a little pumpkin book at the bookstore there. He was really nice. Way too nice. Very respectful and just seemed to understand everything I told him. We laughed and joked a bit. He is very intellectual. After he asked if I ever felt like getting out to go to a movie to let him know. That he really wants to go see red dragon. Told him I would think about it.

Afterward son and I had a blast at chuck e cheese. I played this game for him and won 120 tickets...He got four toys. Really lucky night. We had so much fun. Then we had to stop at the grocery for dog food and some staples.

But here it is..Guess I should abandon all now. Yep. Quit with any notion of dating for a while. Because I just felt absolutely nothing. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. And he was cute. Very very nice. Is my brain off? No. I guess just more time. Plus that thing, that "I will know it when it happens thing" will hopefully open me up to chemistry when it happens. Chemistry is a funny term for the hots. This is going to be a combination of waiting a bit more for my LB to run completely dry, the d to get going again, and to meet someone who makes those hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Oh, to ever feel that again will be something to write about. I will do a ten page post whenever in the future that it does.

I felt so strange and awkward. But I was just standing in line at a Barnes and Noble getting a dad gum cup of coffee. He also got a cookie and milk for son. Again, he was extremely nice. Very well dressed for just coffee. I think he understood how difficult this was for me. But he said that there are tons of people that have their first cup of coffee like this every day. And that he somehow believed that before my d was final that Austin would somehow enter the picture again. I told him that he didn't know the whole story. But he said this. It was actually very sweet. He said something like this, "now that he has reached this point, he is going to feel like it has all slipped away from him this time. That there is no one else to bail him out now. I would hate to have to stand in that man's shoes today because I would be consumed with nothing but regrets and wish I could just do something to change it all". He really meant it. He just shook his head after saying that.

I am crying right now as I typed this. I really am so tired of being alone as I have been for almost a year and a half totally solo. So very much has been robbed from son and I. And Austin just doesn't see it that way. I just want to get this over. Called my sister after son fell asleep tonight. I was of course crying. She said that when the d is final I will have this closure. She said she fully expects me to just emotionally have a very difficult time when the d actually happens because I will be letting go of so much hurt, pain and regret. But she said I need to do that. It will be indeed a milestone for me, but it will make me stronger.

I thought tonight at the bookstore about the holidays. How I dread t hem. I have to be happy for son though. Just put a tree up for he and I. But our faith will hopefully keep me afloat for a third year since this whole poop began. Two years ago, two days before Christmas, he didn't come home. That was when it was d day, or when first sign appeared. Guess it is just too close to the christmas thing. And last year, he actually came home again for three days to attempt to try. Instead he confessed to me how he just couldn't do it anymore. And how he loved her so much. It killed me. Then the week before christmas, he threw son and I out. Out of our home. Right before the holidays. Couldn't at least have let son have one holiday with stability. All of this floods back to me when I see a christmas tree or bulb or trapping of christmas.

I wish I could just get hit on the head and have some bizarre form of amnesia set in. Set in and wipe my mind blank. Or pay some guy to hypnotize me and make me forget the whole situation. Tell me that I intentionally became a single mother and went to a sperm bank or something else. Anything but this. My counselor said this would come in waves. That it even happened to her during her divorce many years ago.

My goodness. I know I keep saying over and over again, but HOW COULD HE HAVE DONE THIS TO US? Tonight I got a cup of coffee with a guy. Thought I was really declaring my independence. But I wear invisible shackles. Why? I don't love this man, the one who is acting so stupid running around and chasing women and material possessions. But I love the memory of the man I once knew. Or never knew. Sad part is my sister believes THE MAN I ONCE KNEW NEVER REALLY EXISTED. That he was always an accomplished liar and could make any woman believe anything he wanted them to. Like he does when he sells something to a person.

I have to keep telling myself that "he doesn't love me. He can't really love anybody." I do in fact understand that all I once knew was probably a lie. I can't even look at my IL's now. I almost blame them for his becoming this kind of man. If he looked to them to be character models, then all he could obtain was a passive/aggressive/manipulative behavior from his mother and obsessive lying and adultery from his father.

I just do not WANT TO TALK TO HIM, SEE HIM OR ANYTHING NOW OR BEFORE CHRISTMAS IS OVER. JUST PRETEND THAT HE, LIKE THE MAN I ONCE LOVED, JUST DOESN'T EXIST.

I know I am healing. My counselor says I am doing great. And that is alot b/c she said the level of betrayal and abuse I dealt with was tremendous, and one of the worst cases she has seen in a long time. And she also testifies that I am completely sane. Definitely got both oars in the water. She said when I move closer to the end of this mourning/healing period, more anger would escape from me. And she is right. I don't know who I dislike more. Austin for his lack of self control and selfishness. Horrible selfishness and incredible justifications. Ms. Monkey for her serial adultery with multiple married men and for lying to me so many times and placing herself in full contact with my tiny and vulernable son. Or Austin's parents for their lovely parenting skills instructing him in the fine art of being an adulterer, liar, controller, and manipulator. Boy, parenting like that takes some kinda practice, let me tell you. It is not every parent who can say that BOTH of their children have been involved in adultery with their spouses. Even his own sister had an EA with a guy and her H found out about it from an email. They briefly separated but worked it out. I even was helpful in their reconciliation . But have those two even sent me one card? One phone call all year long? Nope. I thought I married into this wonderful, loving Christian family. I married into instead a den of liars.

But knowing this and actually seeing what I just wrote down is so helpful. Yes, I didn't ask for any of this. And my family wasn't perfect, to be sure, but despite anything mom did or didn't do to sister and I, both of us are degreed, good mothers, and stable in our relationships with family, spouses, and friends. Counselor says that speaks volumes about me and my family. That no family is perfect,my mom is a whole other situation, but you can not expect anything really too overwhelming as far as emotional success goes when coming from a family like Austin's. The mere facts that sis and I are stable, good parents, and able to be honest and loving to our partners is good enough for me.

My sister said tonight as I was in tears that "she and my family are praying so hard that God will place the right man in my life and that this d will be over soon so I can be blessed with the healing power of God and the closure that comes from acknowledging that the greatest of sins had entered my family. That the sin may have temporarily won, or on the surface did, but that in the years to come, son and I will be duly blessed with an even greater love one day to enter our lives. A man with a pure heart and kind spirit who loves and honors both his family and God". She cried too. It has hurt my family so much to see this happen to me for basically no reason.

I think one of the biggest factors in Austin wanting me to stay here and telling me that "he'd fight me tooth and nail if I attempted to move home" is because my family doesn't want us to reconcile anymore. That they think he has just done too much. Especially when it has come to the part of exposing son to the A with ms. monkeyho and taking them on a week long trip together and lying to me about it last year. My family detests him for doing that. Austin knows if I move home, I will be near my family and tons of friends. But God has allowed me to grow tremendously as an individual here, away from my support group and showed me that I could make it without anybody except for God and the love of my son.

Just woke up. Slept in very late. Son is still zzzzz. Getting rest to help us get over our horrible bout of the flu this week. We didn't go to church. Woke up coughing again and the cold part of the flu is still with me and son. So n coughed through the whole night. Went in and checked on him about 2 am.

I had this really wierd dream. One of those early morning dreams. dreamed I was getting remarried. But I don't know who the guy is. And I was picking out, and ironically did pick out, bridesmaids dresses and maid of honor dresses. Remember picking out the color ivory. It was too wierd. Remember I went somewhere out of town to pick them out . There I saw my friend's mother who was with us (she is gravely ill right now so I know this was definitely a dream). And I remember picking this dress up on a wall out so fast. Very ornate. I don't know what it all means. My mind has been very full since last night.

I went to bed after posting here and before sleep, just was crying and crying. Prayed very hard for God to just let me know what in the world is going on here. I don't know. But that dream to me was traumatic. Woke up this morning very achy and coughing again. But with this really wierd feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I fully remember the dream, and the dresses. But what is so wierd is I remember picking out two different dresses. One was for the attendants, and I almost believe now that the other one was for ME.

And I know it was an awful dream b/c next time there will be no big production. Nope. Just a quiet thing with son present and a few family and friends. Maybe even a planned elopement, if there;s such a thing.

Guess it was a reaction to my going out for coffee last night, although it was extremely brief. My heart wasn't in it and I have been questioning whether or not it will again ever be restored. Gosh, this is so very strange.

((((Peachy)))
Ihope your feeling better!!!
My mouth dropped to the floor when I read your posts.I'm new here my story is posted on this board under Please Help.My roller coaster ride is just starting.He thinks*his harem of women is cool too,makes me sick..we have a 17 month old son.And he would rather hang with her children and go for weekends...at resorts.
I'm so mad,and cannot Beleive it,I miss the old Ken..this new Ken is pure EVIL.But I'm afraid the man who once sang me love songs and said everytime he looked at the stars he saw my face,and would always feel my love shine through. The good times were sooo good and the bad times were pure Hell(evil).He's gone will I ever look into those eyes again,and I'm so sad for my son this is not right!!!!!!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He's really in the fog. You can be sure of that. And many sociopaths are like this. You have to just block him out for now. Just get on without him, except for his financial support for you and child. The fog has a tremendous hold on people when they enter. Taken many a good man and woman down. But you have to get strong for that baby. I had to.

I am still working towards being really strong. This only comes with time. MB helps. LMBT by Dobson has helped me alot. A and B plans have really helped me out.