STBXH, Austin Powers, called earlier this week and asked if he could come over to help w/trick or treating since Halloween was his designated day to have son for visitation. I agreed and thought it would be nice. Plus I had just got my hair re done and styled a bit differently. Big change there, but that is a different and much happier story.

Anyway, I had already invited my friends (engaged couple) over to watch the house and greet trick or treaters while son and I ventured out with his best buddy and my neighbor. So here goes. Austin arrives with son, who he picked up from school. Put him in a different halloween costume. he bought him a new one fully aware I had bought him a very nice costume and even got his photos made in it and gave him some despite me being in plan B. I am still a decent parenting partner despite my not wanting contact other than parenting issues with stbx. That made me angry inside. Son comes in with Austin. We make small talk. Son is sulking. He isn't talking to his dad. He is four. Anyway, I offer to take their pictures for dad and he asks son to sit in his lap in front of my fireplace which is decorated beautifully. In fact, the whole house was decorated. I had litle appetizers out for the neighbor and my friends. I told Austin to have some if he wanted. He acted wierd and guess he felt totally out of place. Son still wouldn't sit in his lap and then told his dad that he didn't want to wear the costume dad got him but wanted the costume he and I picked out together. So I changed son's costume. I told Austin he was welcome to stay and greet the trick or treaters along with my friends. He said that would be wierd and for once I agreed with him.

Doorbell rings and it's my neighbor and her son. She sees my new hairstyle and says "golly you look like a babe". I did look good I must admit to Austin's probable dismay. Austin then commented that I looked good.

I tell Austin taht I will be back in a bit with son and that he can finish up trick or treating with him on another cove. He is getting antsy. Before we leave, he marches upstairs and goes through son's closets looking for clothes that he has bought never paying much attention to the fact I keep having son's very nice clothes disappearing when son wears them to Austin's house..Like a black hole for son's clothes. Now I am getting really mad. He is just walking around the house and is doing as he pleases with clothes. Anyhow I walk out door with son, but decide to walk back in when son and his buddy are out front together with my neighbor. I walk in look at him and say "I sure thought that between this time last year and now that you'd have walked out of that fog you are in". He then says no and that we were never really meant to be married muchless to be together again. I said "sure whatever". He then says that "we are never going to be able to be friends" And I replied sure whatever. He says coming over was a mistake and that he is leaving. I don't argue. Let him leave and I walk out of my house and carry cell phone and leave the key hidden so my friends can get in to help. He quickly pulls out of the driveway.

We have a good time after trick or treating and his best friend comes back over, he's five, and they dump out their candy and his mom and I inspect the goodies. My friends brought over more appetizers and some good wine. The kids have juice boxes. I put a log on the fire and we all cozy up and relax and watch harry potter. The kids fall asleep in front of the fire. Started off pretty nasty with stbx but ended up good. Son was, or seemed to be ok.

This morning, son is going to school. We have a happy morning together as always. We arrive at school and he is in his usual class. As I get ready to leave, he starts quietly crying. I go over and ask what is wrong. He says, "who is going to pick me up today?" I tell him I will. He then asks "where do I live?". I tell him he lives with me and stays with daddy sometimes. He is crying more still. He then says that "I don't want you to work anymore. Want to be home with you, mommy". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> FYI--I was a stay at home mom as of Jan. this year. Biggie adjustments for son. I go and pick up son today and his teachers tell me that yesterday when his father picked him up, son started crying again and did not want to go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

On our drive home, son says this to me. "Mommy, you aren't going to live with daddy anymore are you? I don't want him to push you again". Last year at Christmas, son witnessed his dad pushing me down and seeing me fall after yet another d day. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am so dad gum angry at my stbx H. He is so lost. He has justified everything. He even told me that his son not wanting to talk to him or be affectionate is because I am not being a good enough disciplanarian. I am sorry, but you cannot make anyone have emotions about someone else. That is personal. Austin believes that in time all will be ok and that I am going to one day wake up from my supposed fog and just realize that we can have this great relationship as a divorced couple and be great friends. Despite and never mind the fact he had two affairs and one lasted a year and a half and is why I filed for divorce. Despite the fact that he took his son on a week long trip with the other woman last year. All of this and he thinks it is my problem. Our son is so hurt after the shenanigans his father has pulled. His dad has brought down destruction on this little family and is forcing son emotionally to want to accept all of this. He is too little. He is however, now understanding that his daddy is not going to live with us and he doesn't like the things his daddy has done. My God, even a young four year old child can comprehend that his father has done something very wrong without my ever saying a word about it and being an encouraging parent. When his dad calls, I encourage son to talk. Let him see his son and have a fairly liberal visitation agreement with the man despite all he has done. But his forcing son to want to accept his selfish choice of breaking up our family and liking it is not going to fly here. I am not going to allow my son to be manipulated by that selfish man.

Austin knows I will never validate his choices. I seriously doubt now that unless God changes this man, I will remain as distant to him as I am today, now. I already feel divorced in my heart . When I saw him last night I saw a stranger. He was supposed to have son spend night after trick or treating. His cell phone rang and he answered it upstairs when going through son's closet (uninvited). I heard him say that he might consider meeting a guy out. Before he left he said that because it was halloween, he would let son just stay with me for the rest of the week. He had said earlier that same day son was spending the night with him as per custody agreement. He is back to his old tricks. Putting him first. So I make yet another notation in my daytimer about his denial of visitation and overnight stay.

God has been so good to allow me to see the sin and only dislike the sinner. That my wH is within that shell of a man, somewhere. But that unless he allows God room to enter, it is hopeless. I know this. And my divorce will go through. But God has created many a miracle. This morning after the sad situation at school with son, I cried on the way to work listening to the remix of "in tha end" by linkin park. I just cried and cried. Described everything perfectly. Quoting linkin park: "One thing, I don't know how, it doesn't even matter how you look at it now I was scared of it all, scared to fall, haven't even tried to crawl..But I was forced to run with you mocking me, stopping me, backstabbing me constantly, remembering all the times you fought with me; the clock stopped now chock full of hypocrisy; and now your mouth wishes it could inhale every single word you said just to make things fail, every single you sputtered just to get your peace; but it really doesn't matter to me because in the end no matter what I pretend the journey is more important than the end or the start and what it meant to me will eventually be a memory of the time I tried so hard." <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Guess I am grieving now because I have finally accepted this impending divorce. And seeing the damage it has done to our precious and innocent child. I do all in my power to keep son protected from as much of it as I can. Guess the only scary thing this Halloween was my reality. Seeing how all the sin can change a once good man, a once decent family man who loved his wife and child. Funny, but he looks thinner now. And he seems so estranged from this family. He looked so lost and so pained at my home. Like he remembered once what it felt like to be a family. And he saw that I am going forward and not going to cry or plead ever again to him. And that like I did, I can walk away from that man with my head held high off into the night. The horror is that he may never wake up and leave this awful thing that is the fog. Sometimes I see in my medical work, a patient who is in terrible denial when it comes to a heart disorder or cancer. Had one lady who was in final stages of breast cancer because she just thought that lump would go away. It doesn't. And the disease gets much worse with time if you allow it to spread. Adultery is a disease. And a killer of families. I hate that sin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Not the sinner, but that sin.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />