I post here occasionally, but tend to be helped by other posts. I was wondering, however, if some of you could give me some insight about my situation.

My husband left in August. Before I discovered MB, I basically carried out Plan A. He rejected me, but was very confused, angry and depressed. At times, he wanted to come back, but would then decide not to. He was very hurtful, wouldn't return my calls, take my calls or respond to most e-mails. I have taken his abuse while sticking to Plan A.

He filed for divorce last month and was adamant that I sign his Separation Agreement. So, finally, I went to Plan B. Well, initially when I started Plan B, H pursued me, but used divorce documents as excuse. He started to show love toward me and we even talked about reconciling. But once again, he turned on me. So I have gone back to Plan B. His latest emails indicate that he may be trying to keep contact going:

I received the following emails this week:

Tuesday: "I spoke to my attorney today and he hasn't heard from Bob [my atty]. What is going on?"

Wednesday: "I've asked you repeatedly to expedite the divorce process but as usual you are being stubborn. If you want to fight this out you will be exposed for the evil b----h you really are. You have until November 25, 2002 officially but I hope you file an answer before then."

Today: "I came to work early this morning, noone is here yet, and I found this note on my desk from you. Is it really from you or is this a joke from someone? The signature doesn't seem like yours. I've been in *** County for the last 4 weeks. By next week I'll be back in the office. Have a nice day."

Of course, the note, if it really exists, is not from me. I feel this may be a tactic to get me to communicate. I actually feel sorry for him, which is why I can't understand how he could have been so mean to me all these months. But then, I'm afraid if I respond it will mess up Plan B.

BTW, as far as I am aware, H is not involved in an A.

So, should I respond and say the note is not from me or just not communicate with him at all? I want him to drop the divorce and come home!

Hello? Anybody? Thanks.

Well if it was me and you really love him i wouldnt lie about the note, especially if its his way to communicate with you...It would just make you a liar and he would know that. My WS is doing the same thing to me...one day she wants to come back the next she doesn't. Until yesterday I thought things were gonna work out between us but she went and joined the military to get away from this Town. My advice to you.......Stay truthful to one another and figure out a easy netural between the two of you.

Deepdownlove,

I didn't write the note. I have a feeling my H made it up in order to continue communication since I haven't responded to his latest emails. I think I'll stick to Plan B until he seriously wants to talk and work on the marriage.

Thanks!

Jloves-

From my past experience with a now ex like yours, this is what I'd recommend.

Don't respond. I mean, ask yourself, what is the point? Will it change anything? Will it change the mind of your H?

If there was anything that you could say to H would change his mind I'm sure you've already said it, and has his mind changed? No.

Right now H is very emotional. He is angry and confused and just trying to get past his pain and thinks it will all go away after the divorce.

Now will it? No. But you can't tell him that.

If he wants the divorce to go faster, then let him do the leg work to make it go faster. Just tell him to contact your attorney about legal questions. I mean why is he contacting you about those things - except to vent and let out his anger and frustration on you, and you don't deserve that.

Read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson - it talks about how people are more attractive to others when they are no longer a sure thing. So it was natural for H to want you again when you started the divorce because then there was a chance that you wouldn't be there and he liked that.

Remember, Plan A is about you, and making you a better person. You need to have a support system in place to help you work through your emotions right now. Don't make any major decisions until you get some good advice and have a somewhat level head.

Don't let H pressure you and if you can't talk to him then don't. This will of course make H mad because he can't control you, and that is what he is trying to do with the e-mails. If you want to respond, then right a reponse, but don't send it. Just use it to get your emotions out.

Better yourself. Take care of yourself, and remember that you have NO CONTROL over your H. But work on yourself so if H does want to come back then you will be able to help direct you both toward a meaningful recovery.

K

K, thank you for your awesome response. You are so right on. I haven't read the whole "Love Must Be Tough" but I flipped through the book at the bookstore. I also checked out Dr. Dobson's website and he talks about letting the WS go and how it attracts them back to you.

You're right that I have said everything I can imagine to bring him back, and responding to any of his emails at this point would probably help nothing. H has always been very controlling. He filed for the D btw. I told him before that our attorneys should deal with the legal issues, but he is so controlling, he demands that I sign the Settlement Agreement and that I don't need to even consult my attorney. I can tell he hates it that he can't control the situation.

In any regard, I am deeply in prayer that God will deliver him from whatever he is going through, and that God will ultimately bring him back when we're both ready.