Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
here they come again... it has been almost 2 years since we first seperated and here it comes another holiday season without him... i don't want to go through this any more. i am soooo tired of crying. why am i still crying??? why does it still hurt sooo damn much???

moving to AZ, didn't make it any easier at all... i still miss him and i still want him back...

i am here with no more than a couple of friends and no social life to speak of... i am sad... and i am not talking about the emotional sad, i'm talking about the disgusting sad...

i already have sever depression during the holidays to start with. i have since i was a kid and now it's compounded. i really will need help getting through this one... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 1,906
Ido,
We are on a similar time line. I understand how you're feeling totally. I'm probably not going to put up the tree this year. What's the point?

Funny parallels.....my ex moved to AZ after div was final. Now with FOO. In fact, I suspect THEY are the reason for the split all along. NO ow involved. He moved in with "old friend" during the negotiations, but left her immediately after final decree signed, so apparently nothing serious was going on with her there. Go figure. I think I would rather that he left for an OW than this! Go figure.

I will pray for your mental state. Don't want ya getting all down and depressed. It won't help anything anyway, and will only bum-out everyone around you.

Please take care, and KNOW that there are FRIENDS on line here!

God Bless,

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,302
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,302
You know I tend to ask myself - are they really worth all of this pain - Don't we deserve to be happy - everyone keeps telling me to move on be happy - and I cant seem to follow their advice - then when I read someones post like yours and you are so sad I want to take their advice and give it to you - You deserve to be happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - You both put up that tree and enjoy the holidays - and make it the most beautiful tree ever.....

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345


<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,031
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,031
What is a FOO???

No matter how difficult it is, if you put up a tree and do some decorating you WILL feel better.

Have you been to a MD for antidepressants?? They could help

This is my first holiday without H. He wanted to come over for Thanksgiving dinner, but not for reconcilliation, just to be a family, I nixed that idea. I would love to reconcile and pray that that might happen someday, but if it does, it wont be for a long time. He is still in denial about his drug and alcohol use and is blaming me for everything that went wrong.

Hard as it was for me. I need to free myself from all this dysfunction, so after 26 years of abuse I started divorce action within 1 month of him walking out on us. I want my life back, 26 years of babysitting numerous addictions have been too much

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
hey every body... i am so grateful to have all you guys. i don't know who ever came up with this internet thingy, but it can really do you good some days...

i love you all for your support. i love you all because you are going through the same hurts as me and that makes us all have a common denominator. thanks for the love thanks for the support...

i am so far from thinking about decorating and putting up a tree... i know my roommate and daughter will be into it so i don't even have to think about that. i don't even want to. i just want to lay in my bed and let the days roll away. i wish i could wake up tomorrow and this hole holiday season be over...

i have been to the dr. for antidepressants. i'm supposed to be on prozac. i have it but i don't really take it like i should. i was good taking it for a few months but i stopped being disciplined about it. so i go on and off again, over and over again.

but this last time i went on again, the medicine gave me side affects and that's never happened before. so i stopped. but i know i really need to keep taking it, before i find myself driving off a cliff somewhere. OMG...

i just need to stay close to my computer and stay in touch with you all...

bless you all... hope you are having a good day... and i do feel better just knowing U all R there...

with love kim...

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
oh boy, i had a really tough day yesterday. i am not too sure i am going to be able to get though this with any reasonable amount of sanity. i cried myself to sleep all weekend.

i just can't take it... i am so sick of my ex telling me how hard it is for him, yet he makes no attempt to change it.

if something is hard on you or sad for you, and you have the power to change it, WOULDN'T YOU!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> what a load of crap.

he has no desire to change anything and he can't possibly be feeling what he says he's feeling.

men answer me this. if he is so sad without his family why won't he come back? if he loves me why is he still out with every other floozy that crosses his path? what??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> OMG, i can't do this.

all i want is the ability to be free from his hold. i want my heart back. i want my essence back. i don't want to love him any more. i don't want to cry anymore... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 107
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 107
idosylin,

My heart just breaks for you. Just sent up a prayer on your behalf. Do you have any friends you can call up? Any family?

I don't know your story but it sounds to me like you are still in contact with your XH. Why is that? Is it essential that you be talking with him? I know for me I'd be a basket-case if I had to talk to my WH on a regular basis. Can you cut off communication with him? I STRONGLY advise that!!! If all it is doing is making you crazy, and lonely, and unbearably sad, then what is the point??!! Not seeing or talking to him will eventually be so much healthier for you, it will help you to move on.

Prayer always helps. God loves you dearly and is hurting for your hurt. Further, God doesn't want you to stay in this rut..He has plans to prosper you (see Jeremiah 29:11). Take it ONE STEP AT A TIME. You can do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You can survive and actually have a life, a good life. But, I suspect you need to 'unmesh' yourself from your former spouse and his mental hold on you. He's made his choice, now it's time for YOU. I NEVER believed I'd survive my husband having an affair/leaving me, and if I can do it, YOU can too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hang in there. If need be, take it one baby-step at a time; one minute at a time. Just tell yourself to make it thru the next hour, the next meal, the next activity, etc. And plan some fun things, things you enjoy doing that you can look forward to. Get involved in a church, or a club, anything. YOU CAN SURVIVE, AND SURVIVE WELL. Do if for you. Do it for your kids. Do it to show 'him' how well you can live without him! I'll keep you in my prayers.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
this was his response to an e-mail i sent him on last Friday. I was very distraught and I wasjust asking him to just tell me that he doesn't want me anymore so i can let go.

i got this on friday, and didn't really know how to respond. the classes i've been taking with pastor have really helped me in better understanding peoples writing and i can really see where your writing is so filled with sadness and depression.
now, not being sure how to best communicate with you, and not fight or argue or point fingers or attempt to justify anything, just simply communicate without further saddening or depressing you, i just internalized your feelings and wrote nothing back. but, belive me i feel everything you expressed sincerely and as you presented it. i truly do love you immensly and really am struggling with expressing my feelings for you without conflict. i hold you up as my standard of comparision for everything i do. and truth is i've met no one who measures up to you in any way.
i'm just so tired of fighting and arguing about stuff that is solely based on perceptions from the past. like saturday when i was in my ministers meeting and your head was running wild about friday night and sat morning. it's mental torture for you and unfair for me.
i fully realize more than you think i do, just how far i've gotten off the straight and narrow and i'm really trying to reel myself back in, and it really hurts emotionally when the person that i hold up the highest doesn't believe in me anymore, when everything i do gets intrepeted negatively, or my acts are seen as intentionally hurtful towards you, deceptive or lying.
last night was pastor's anniversary service and when i got home i thought about calling you, then i thought about text messaging you "good night", then i decided against it because i didn't know how you would receive it. wold you think i was trying to just "keep stringing you along" or i was "playing some sort of game" or would you accept that i was sincerly thinking about you and just wanted to reach out to you. i really need you. i need your wisdom, your insight, your opinions, you criticism and your praise. i need your love and support, your encouragement, confidence and trust. i really feel inadequate without it. but i also realize my actions have dampened all those emotions, and so i need to know, i'm searching how to rebuild a genuine friendship without overburdening either of us into something that we may not be ready for or may cause us further harm down the road.
i just want you to trust me again. to believe in me again. to see in me some of the things you saw when we met. i want to be able to have conversations with you without feeling pressured to say a certain thing or act in a certain way.
if you only knew how many sleepless nights i've had behind knowing how badly i've messed you up emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically you might view me just a tad bit differently.
guess i've rambled on enough. spoke with "s" this morning, he's talking about going to the job corp. that's very positive, much more so than the military. it's been my constant petition before God that He touch him to get out of the streets (as he currently is) and it seems maybe it's getting answered.
i love you so much.

now how am i supposed to feel after reading this??? OMG... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: idostylin ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
i posted this e-mail from my ex the other day and i was really hoping that someone would read it, especially men, and give me insight...

i am driving myself crazy with this. this is exactly why i moved to AZ to get away from this emotional termoil. but i can't seem to release myself. i just love the man too much to let go... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i sort of want him to come here for thanksgiving, but i have pushed him away and made him think i don't. now i want to change and pull him back in...

why am i so wishy washy??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

i need insight so badly... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345


<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
hey harold,
how r u today??? i would love to send your response just like it is to my ex... you took the words right out of my mouth. but i am trying to be diplomatic and not make him angry.

he gets really vicious when he gets angry and i'm not up for one of his verbal lashings... it would probably take me over the edge at this point...

but i can certainly see that you feel me!!! thanks for the input and the support... and thanks for keeping me smiling/laughing...

peace and love'

kim...

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
OMG... this is what he has to say now... i am soooo mad... hurt... sad.... devastated....i have tried for almost a year to win him back only to get this as a final answer... WTF!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

i guess everything you say is accurate, i avoid the confrontation and evade the truth many times. and it's sincerely cause i don't know what the hell is going on with me alotta times. honestly there are times i'm feeling you so intently and want you so bad and then there are times that i wish you and all this would just disappear. I so identified with pastor's lesson last night in our Bible study looking at Psm 55 where David discussed "flying away like a bird and escaping to the wilderness" because he felt abandoned by God and betrayed by his best friend. Fact of the matter is, like David, my problem is not God, nor you (my best friend), it's all me, my attitude and my perspective.
I know this doesn't answer the questions you present, but i'm trying to give you some insight into my mind, and at this point i have no idea how "come to myself" and move into another phase of life. we learned it took david some 15 verses to get it together, pastor told us it took him 18 years to come out of his wilderness relative to the death of his dad in 1984 to finally get peace, closure and to move forward without hinderences or holding self back.
So if you deceide to move on, or stop interacting with me, i fully understand if you have no desire to wait or invest in a totally unsure flake.

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345


<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by idostylin:
<strong>OMG... this is what he has to say now... i am soooo mad... hurt... sad.... devastated....i have tried for almost a year to win him back only to get this as a final answer... WTF!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

i guess everything you say is accurate, i avoid the confrontation and evade the truth many times. and it's sincerely cause i don't know what the hell is going on with me alotta times. honestly there are times i'm feeling you so intently and want you so bad and then there are times that i wish you and all this would just disappear. I so identified with pastor's lesson last night in our Bible study looking at Psm 55 where David discussed "flying away like a bird and escaping to the wilderness" because he felt abandoned by God and betrayed by his best friend. Fact of the matter is, like David, my problem is not God, nor you (my best friend), it's all me, my attitude and my perspective.
I know this doesn't answer the questions you present, but i'm trying to give you some insight into my mind, and at this point i have no idea how "come to myself" and move into another phase of life. we learned it took david some 15 verses to get it together, pastor told us it took him 18 years to come out of his wilderness relative to the death of his dad in 1984 to finally get peace, closure and to move forward without hinderences or holding self back.
So if you deceide to move on, or stop interacting with me, i fully understand if you have no desire to wait or invest in a totally unsure flake.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hey harold did u read the above... i realy think it's time for plan b... plus when i was talking to him on his cell phone last night he got a call on the home phone from a woman... i could hear some of the conversation, but not all... when i asked him who it was he studdered and stammered... then after dwelling on the event in in my mind i called back and said, "you know a man talks diffrently to another man then he does to a woman, and i heard your conversation" he got infuriated and said, "kim, everyone i talk to is not a man and i'm not screwing every woman i talk to" he siad he was sick of this and wasn't going to deal with it and hung up in my face...

but i wonder if the relationship he has with the woman that called him is so innocent and he feels justified in having it, why did he lie or feel like i backed him into a corner??? OMG, he is such a damn lier... he makes it seem like he is so conflicted and having such a spiritual battle... he oooooooooooooooooooo he makes me sick... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345


<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 345


<small>[ February 03, 2003, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
hey harold,

how r u???

well this is it... i didn't tell him your exact words but i did tell him the jest of it and this was his response...

if the simple truth of me telling you that you have not right to judge my friend, and that i'm honestly working on myself with my pastor, elicited this response from you, then really it's a waste of my time having anything to do with you.
i'm done. it's over. i'm through. no more.
i'm tired of you accusing me of judging you or others, yet you write a whole letter passing your judgement on my walk, my spirtuality, my motives and intentions.
even attempting to be open and honest with you does no good.
therefore, i will not try to be understanding of you anymore.
i will not call nor write you anymore.
i will no longer (even remotely) consider any life with you.
you can write me back, but i WILL NOT even read it.
leave me alone - FOREVER!


now i am devastated!!! we have had these types of fights many times b4... we have told each other several times b4 don't call, don't write, i hate u, it's over forever.

but this time i don't feel like sucking up. i don't feel like trying to smooth it over... i am so hurt. i just feel squashed. he really cursed me out friday night and i didn't talk to him all weekend. i just texted messaged him that, "i still loved him" then 1st thing this morning i get this hate e-mail... i am so discouraged... all my hope has finally been drained... i feel like.......................

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 562
hey harold,

i hope u didn't think i was for one minute blaming u for my ex's behavior or reaction. cuz i wasn't...

we have these fights all the time... he tells me about once a month that he wants nothing more to do with me... we have these arguments and he goes balistic and curses me out and tells me he doesn't want NE thing to do with me ever...

then i call and suck up and things go okay for a while and then it happens all over again...

it has been a while since we have had an "i hate u" fight, but they are nothing new...

only this time i resisted calling and sucking up... this is day 4 well if i make it through today. which i plan to...

i printed your emotional divorce plan... and i plan on working the steps... i have to get free from this bondage...

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
Kim, I'm on my 3rd therapist.

She's a Christian, and like she says, she's a damn good therapist. Actually, she says she kicks [censored]. She does.

Howver, when she found I had missed a week of my medication ( $ issues); she went off. Listed all kinds of "bad" reactions that occur as a result of suddenly stopping anti-deps.

Stay on them, if you're on them. Stop and go is bad.

I'm with you on these holidays, though. Ugh.

And,it seems blaming and distancing (ex) is not good holiday company..

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 99 guests, and 69 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Qwerty1234, Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY
71,738 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,738
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5