Please help me to see this situation in the best light possible, where I went wrong and where H went wrong: H and I have been maried for 11 months. His daughter, 17, is disrespectful to H and she and I rarely speak . She lives nearby, and visits on occasion. H and I have a 4 month old daughter together. He has many relatives nearby and they tended to drop by unannounced frequently. I asked him to have his relatives call before they come or I would not answer the door. His daughter came to the house one afternoon unannounced and I did not open the door. She was able to get into the house by jimmying the lock. Shortly after entering the house, she called her dad, my husband and informed him that I refused to let her in the house. He came home yelling that I had no right not to let her in the house. I told him I had forwarned him about unannounced visitors. She returned to the house, began cursing and went into the basement. I heard her, went down to the basement and began to tell her that she could not come to the house anythime she wanted. As I walked toward her I was waggig my finger, but I was about a foot away. H was yelling at me telling me not to wag my finger in her face. She was yelling, I was yelling. He was telling me that she could hit me if I did not stop wagging my finger in her face. I said I wish she would and with her father's permission, she hit me and a brawl ensued. He then jumped inbetween us to stop the fight. I am accustomed to a child being a child, being respectful and a child hitting an adult is unheard of. After the altercation, he did not do anything, but said I was wrong for not letting her in the house and for wagging my finger in her face. I don't think she was punished. This girl has a history of disrespectful, rude behavior. She curses her father, disrespects her aunts and grandmother. H hasbeen trying to get back in good, but this coupled with his drinking, his staying out late and unwillingness to take care of his family has me biding my time until I can leave. Any thoughts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

His daughter is his daughter, yet she does not live with you.
This is YOUR home and you should be free to anwer the door when you wish. NOT get hit.
Tell your husband thathis daughter is his daughter,not his wife. You are the lady of your house and will be respected in your home. You don't go barge into her house and hit her.

Wow. I see so many things wrong with the situation, I would have to type a novel to give my thoughts. Here's the easiest way I can say it...If something *big* doesn't change, you will not have a truly happy and joyful marriage. I know that's not easy to hear and you may not even agree, yet. I truly don't think people understand just how amazing marriage is supposed to be. I'm going to make a recommendation that I honestly believe can change your life. Get the book "Every Womans Desire". I don't know the author but you can search for it on amazon.com. This book is a wonderful guide on being a husband and it will show you what marriage can look like.

I read about how FBI counterfeit experts learn to spot counterfeit bills. They do it by studying the real thing. They look and learn and study an actual dollar bill until they know it so well, anything that isn't authentic stands out like a sore thumb.

Get this book. Read it. Study it. Learn what marriage should look like and learn how your husband should treat you. Then give him the book and do whatever it takes to get him to read it. I promise, it will be a defining moment in your marriage.

I truly wish you the best and I'm so sorry for what happened.

I thought non-custodial divorced fathers were supposed to make sure their children felt at home at the father's residence as well. The books claim you are supposed to pretend the kids have 2 homes. This girl is not just some random relative; she is his daughter. She should not have to call before she comes to her father's dwelling - why doesn't she have a key?

I don't think anyone should be hitting, but wagging your finger in someone's face is a very aggressive action, and I am not at all surprised at the response. How can you claim she is disrespectful, when you treat her so disrespectfully. This is certainly a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

"A child hitting an adult is unheard of?" - does that mean the reverse is ok in your book?

You "forewarned" your H - you made a unilateral decision about who was welcome in the house that is both of yours, and he is just supposed to acquiesce to it?

I appreciate all of the responses I have received, it helps to see this situation from other points of view. I am going to get the book Every Woman's Desire today. In response to some of your questions, she does not have a key to the house because she was coming to the house drinking and stealing liquor from the liquor cabinet and then watering it down to cover it up, so H took the key many months ago. Every time she comes to the house there is yelling and screaming between she and her father and it wreaks havoc on our family. She is not a good role model for my 4 month old daughter and I don't want her influencing my child to think that such behavior is ok.

I am sorry for your situation.

The divorce rate for second marriages is about 75% or more due in the most part to kids from a prior marriage.

If you want to have a good marriage I would suggest that you find a way to get your H to get into some counseling with his daughter - for HER benefit, otherwise she sounds like she will end up pregnant, with a sexually transmitted disease or in jail.

Does he want this for her?

Maybe he doesn't know how to deal with her because of his past family history and his relationship with his ex wife. But whatever the reason, he needs to find out and you may want to find out too because he is acting this way for a reason. And the family's behavior will give you some clues.

Since the daughter is a minor, then you are both responsible for acting like the adults - which means not keeping her locked out of the house, but also requiring her to obey YOUR house rules or a negative consequence should result given by your H.

Your H should never tell his child that it is ok to hit his wife, unless in self defense in which case it's ok for anyone to do that.

You should also read the information on this site about EMotional NEeds and Love Busters and print out the questionaires and go over them with your husband.

You need some work on your marriage now, and if H does not agree then you need to take some action on your own to try to get him to come around - such as reading some books by Susan Page like How ONe of You Can Keep the Two of You TOgether(I think that's the title) or some other book like that or even read Divorcebusting or Michelle Weiner-Davis's new book, because without both spouses committed to the marriage, it will not last very long.

K

Something needs to be worked out because she's his daughter for life. Alcohol seems to be complicating existing problems...

How can you expect the daughter to respect you when your H doesn't seem to respect you or your wishes? He totally disrespected you right in front of the minor... not good! Are you guys familiar with the MB Policy of Joint Agreement discussed in the Basic Concepts?

Sure, you need to respect the father/daughter relationship that existed before you came into the picture, but I have to blame your H for not being in control of his daughter and for abusing alcohol AND for disrespecting you in front of the unruly child. He encouraged her to hit you!!?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

How's everything going now? Were you guys able to patch things up??? What's the status...

I now know exactly what I am going to do. No question in my mind. I filed a peace order so that D could not come to the house without strict guidelines. H came to the hearing with his daughter and ex-wife. He was a witness for his daughter and blatantly lied about the situation. Of course, he said he did not tell her to hit me, but that I instigated the fight by cursing at her and telling her to "hit me --tch". My initial story is exactly as it happened, no embellishments. In between his lies, he kept saying "I love my wife but..." The law does not require a husband to testify against his wife or vice versa, but he loved me enough to do so. Hmph, if that's love I don't want any part of it!I am going to get out before he influences my child negatively. If he'll testify against his wife and blatantly lie- - he'll do anything. I'll be gone before Christmas.

You havent said how long your H was D before you M him. Im having a problems with our son not wanting to see his dad because X is engaged to OW. But after talking with son I found out it doesnt matter what woman he dates or M. He will hate them all. our son has also said he would hit OW if he met her. The new baby maybe a problem for your step daughter. A lot depends on how your H treated his 1st child. Our son sees dad treating OW kids better than him. If you want your M to work, all 3 will have to sit down & talk out your feeling. Listen to what the daughter is saying, she may have bad feelings that you had nothing to do with. She may be acting out to get dad to notice her. counsiling is your only hope. My X used to put his whole hand in front my face while yelling I can see why she got mad with the finger. I never hit X but the thought was always there, I wanted to break his fingers. My X will have the same problems you are having with his son and any woman he M or dates. our son angry is towards his dad for having A & leaving us for OW, but our son will take it out on any woman who is with his dad.

m-too long
C-13, 29, 8gd
d-5-02
me-48, x43

ow-32
c-3 under 10
d-7-02
m-10yrs