Spoke to H wed nite about life insurance that was cancelled because he did not cooperate with physical. During our conversation hed admitted to me that he is not happy.

said he wasnt happy with me, and he's still not happy. Says he spends alot of time by himself (he hates being alone), his mother only tolerates him at her house and his sister patronises him. He wont speak to his brother.3 of Our 4 kids wont even talk to H. Youngest will pick up phone sometimes.

I dont know what happened Wed nite, but he said "After what happened tonite, we are probably over (meaning other woman)" I didnt ask, and he didnt go into detail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, I asked him if it wasnt time he admitted that he isnt happy, not because of anything else but the fact that he has a serious problem with addictions, has turned away from God and has chosen a life of sin.

He was quiet a moment and then said "I havent had any drugs since Sept"

and I said, "that might be, but you never gave up your addict thinking, you just dont have any available right now, and you switched from drugs back to alcohol and you have had plenty of that since Sept. But you cant admit that your problems and unhappiness are related to addictions because with that admission comes the knowledge that you have to do something about it and the thought that you would have to give up drinking forever terrifies you"

That was kind of how it ended, but there was a small chink in his armor of denial. PLEASE PRAY FOR HIM. He did seem to be remorseful of what he did, but I cant trust that yet. He could be manipulating me to change divorce proceeding.

But anyhow please pray for both of us. Me for my hurt and to be able to go on with life the way God wants me to live it and him for all his addictions

sunrise,

Thats good that he admitted to you that he's unhappy but he is not at his bottom. You may be right, he may just be doing this because of the DV process. Only long term sober action will make a difference. He's the only one that can decide to do the deal. There is a residential program near me that is Christian based and the sobriety comming out of there is strong.

Just a suggestion, don't you talk to him about quitting that is a forever thing. When / if he gets into a program (preferably AA) the program suggests taking it one day at a time. Forever is tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long for an addict. But can be done one day at a time (forever)

I would really put it back on him to get help, that you don't feel safe right now while he is using. Just about anything you say will be taken as a resentment. Usually only one addict to another can make a difference. Pray (I will too) that someone is put into his life by God who leads him to sobriety.

You are right about the addict thinking. Just because he stops using, doesn't mean all his problems go away. He is still the same sick person just now everything is scarier cuz there's no medicating. Plus substituting one for another is not sobriety. It takes a LONG time once the physical drinking or using is stopped and concentrated effort to overcome the affects of drinking.

Please don't let your gaurd down. And If I ever post anything similar, tell me the same thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I mean it !!!!! I am asked do I love him enough to let him go?

An alanon book that I find helpful is "In All our Affairs, making crisis work for you" What I have done is read the stories in awareness & pick out what speaks to me. Then I write about it. It is hard to keep the focus on us, but that is exactly what we have to do. (note I say we cuz i mean me too!) Sometimes all we can do is become willing to become aware, just aware.

God Bless you and your family.

D.

Sunrise - he is not to be trusted right now. Sure he may show some remorse, but he is of an addictive behavior, and until he seeks to get counseling, and joining a group for his addiction, I would just be low keyed and look at him with eyes of concern, but not a doormat.

He can justify his actions, all betrayers do this. This is not going to get them through, showing remorse, guilt, and realizing that they need help is the first step.

I will pray for your husband, and you. Please keep posting, WillGet... - gave you good advice.

Hi, WGTT and cry

I spoke to H tonite to ask im if he had contacted insurance co. He sid NO,,,TOO BUSY. I said BS.

He said he would call on Sat. I could tell he had been drinking,

I said"where are you"

"Kmart" I think . too quiet.. No way

I could tell he had been drinking. I asked him and he said he had a couple of beers. "I have no one... no kids... no people" I said that was your choice, then he said he had to go finish his shopping. Looks like maybe the armor of denial has been repaired

way

cha chink -

If he ever seems vulnerable, you might ask him if he is ready to give it up. Say nothing else and be quiet, don't speak until after he has.
If he says yes, be prepared to give him a number to call - a sober AA person with good sobriety (could get # at open AA meeting) or have a treatment center #.

Gotta run .... YS needs to type something to finish a school project.

Sunrise - I'm not too familiar with your story.

Would it be an imposition to ask you to give a brief summary of what has transpired in your sitch from the beginning? I see you logged on here at MB in Jan, 2001. Could you please tell me the time-line of events leading to this time and place?

Thanks!

Praying for you and your WH at this time.

God Bless,

Lupolady. I gave brief synopsis on Cajunky's prayer thread.

I actually logged in Nov2000 shortly after learning of affair I found this site. I just had to change screen name

H told me he would end affair. We were going to marriage counseling for almost 2 years but it was a sham. H said he would try to make it work. the only thing he worked at was hiding his deception more.

H has had addictions ALL his life. His mother allowed him to become drunk when he was only 5YO. His drug of choice is opiates, oxycontins are the strongest on the market right now. He even stole pain patches from his dying father, cut them open and drank the stuff from them.

first drug arrest was shortly after we were married 26 years ago and has continued with drugs and alcohol since. He has physically and emotionally abused me. drank before coming to MC sessions. and then told kids and his family he left because of the way I treated him. Said I was controlling.

Actually, as an abusive person he thrived on controlling me, made me jump through hoops and treated me like doormat because he knew I would do anything to save our marriage.

When I wouldnt allow him to continue with the cheating and lying, thats when he lost control of me and then turned the blame for the downward spiral on me. Said I made him feel guilty and bad about himself. He felt guilty because he was guilty..couldnt continue to live the double life.

OW I know is just another addiction for him. Hes 47, shes 29. Addicts are immature as they havent matured and grown from normal life experiences so a mid-life crisis is worse.

right now I see no recovery. He has turned his back on God. Told me 2 days after he left

"I know what Gods plan is and Gods plan and my plan are not the same thing."

Even if he was to go into rehab right now and want recovery, it would take years to undo the damage he has done to himself, thats if he ever can at all. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

sunrise, your story sounds so much like mine! My STBXH is also an addict whose first preference is opiates. He is 50 and MOW is 23 and, from what I've heard, he's got her using needles now too. Sad thing is, he was sober for many years and really turned his life around before returning to his addictions.

I'd like to second WGTT's recommendation of "In All Our Affairs" and add another Al-Anon book suggestion: "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage." I've read through both books umpteen times. They're both really helpful.