I actually made it through 2 days without tears. Thur and Fri.

Now today, sit down to pay bills and there's not enough to cover everything. H didnt put paycheck from 2nd job in account like he usually does.

Should I call him? Hand is on the phone, I dont want to talk to him, Ill wait.

Mailman drives in.. I thought maybe she had something for me to sign, so I go out to greet her, she hands me mail and said, H had ALL our mail to be forwarded to his mothers house, she wanted to check as I just put up the new mailbox and it didnt look like we were moving.

I told her we were getting divorced and H couldnt do that as I am paying the bills. He wants to pick and choose what he will pay. She said she would send it back and he would have to resubmit it, his name only and it would give me time to talk to lawyer. I put a call in to him but he wont get back to me until monday.

Walk back in the house and phones ringing..H of course.

I pick up the phone which I usually dont do when he calls. I let kids talk to him but I had to address this issue.

He asked me how I was, like he really cares.

H told me he hasnt seen one piece of mail in the 3 months he's been gone. I said thats cause there is no personal mail for you. Not one Christmas card came for him or any other year except from his sister and brother. Low life people he surrounds himself with dont send holiday greetings. This year they still all came but for me and the kids. The only personal mail he got was an invitation to christening and that was mailed to his moms house.

All the rest of the mail is bills and he knows what the bills are.

said he didnt put 2nd paycheck in bank cause he needed money for Christmas. All the times he told us he was Christmas shopping, all he did was give the kids cash, no presents. So he says, well "what did I get"?

(I know my 2 boys gave him a gift, 1 boy refuses to see him and wouldnt buy him a gift for anything, Im not sure what D is doing, she mentioned taking back what she bought) so I said, "What, was I supposed to get you a gift??"

Then he asked me about the divorce. accused me of lying about filing. I said you know I dont lie about anything, so he asked what was taking so long, cause if I didnt file he was going to.

I said whats your hurry, ready to marry Mrs. Brown????

So, if he wants to file he would have to make something up. In our state you have to wait 18 months unless you have grounds. Adultery is right away, cruelty and desertion are 3 months.

So anyhow, now Im a wreck. Im terrified I will lose this house, I guess he would be happy to see us in the same drug infested apt complex where mrs whore lives. That way he could visit kids and her at one time. I think apt underneath her is empty.

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

Dawn,

I am sorry that you are hurting so bad, it doesn't seem fair, even when they are not there they have control over how we are.

Good for your mailwoman, glad that she was on the ball. Thank her!!!

Things will get better, I know!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How do you know???I know things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better. I dont know if Im strong enough for that. I have just been keeping my head above water.

Daybreak, dont you live in the midwest somewhere? I am thinking of moving to Colorado after this mess is all over with. I have 2.5 years until son is out of HS and I should be done with my ultrasound program by then so I can apply for license out there.

By the way, D told me today that she returned the gift she got for H.

Oldest(23YO) made an appt to go over and see his grandmom (mother-in-law) sun nite and H turned it into visitation for him. Youngest said he would go, 20YO wont go if H is there and D and I already had plans to go to movie.

Now, oldest son is backing out...I dont know why. I think he wants to go a nite when he knows my H wont be there. So that leaves 15YO without a ride there and stressful explaining to do.

H is holding the fact that children dont want to spend time with him over my head by witholding money to pay bills. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I dont know how much I can take.

Dawn

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know you are strong an you will get thru this, just keep saying that to yourself, I can do this , I can do this ...... I am calm, confident and courageous.

Consider changing your topic line to jto WH does uuuggghhhh stuff and I chose to get stressed out.
As we hear so many times in alanon, no one makes us do or feel anything that is our choice.

Keep praying and asking God how can this work, what can we do to pay our bills and live a decent life. It's amazing where the money comes from but it comes. Believe me I have and still an in a position where it could all come crashing down any minute. No fun, but I have vowed to get myself in a better financial situation with or with out WH.

D.

I prayed that you had a safe and pleasant trip back. I guess its good to be home

WGTT is your line. I just feel like I have been paralyzed today and Im so impatient that God take him out of my life NOW, and then on the other hand I just wish that that there was some smidgen of remorse for what he has done or a chance that he will get into recovery.

I also called about a divorce recovery group. I am waiting for them to call me back but they only meet 2X/month and unfortunately last nite was one and I missed it.

I dont know what to do about tomorrow nite. Was looking forward to movie with D, but I dont want to piss off H any more so should I have D drive son over, but then he's controlling me again. Me giving up our nite to make him happy.

Psychologist agve me # of 2 agencies in our area that help women in transition with grants for businesses and college funding and so forth. I will call them on Mon.

Hi Dawn,

We got back safe and sound but tired. My D is a night owl & said she wanted to drive at night rather than get a hotel. Well at 3:30am she wakes me up - "Mom, I'm too tired to drive any more" Ugggh so we go to Waffle House for coffee and I drive the rest of the way home. We pulled into our driveway at 6:45am just as it was getting light. I kept praying that it would stay dark, cuz if the sun shone in my eyes, I don't think I could have kept driving.

Last night I went my usual Fri nite mtg and it was sooo good to have people say they missed me and gave me hugs. They read portion of the chapter in the big book - the Dr's opinion. It talked about not being able to distinguish normal from lies and abnormal things. I guess that's the fog.

I have the same feelings, not wanting to be bothered with all the crap (and mine hasn't even started) and hoping that he has this miracle recovery and we can have a wonderful relationship. When I left Penna, we saw WH for a few minutes - he was "sick" and just lying around. Sorry I have no desire to stick around that but seeing him does something to me. I have to keep telling myself that he's not the man today that I fell in love with. When I see him I think of the potential of what he could be not what he is today which is not the healthy thing to do. As far as tomorrow night goes, what do you really want to do? What is your gut saying to do?

D.

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 09:37 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

I know D does not want to go. Maybe older one will still go and solve everything. Of course I want to go to movie with D. I havent been to movie since H left, but then I did have NY with D

I think D feels that she lost so much with her father that she wants to have this great relationship with me. And we do, I thank God for that. I thank God that I can give her an honest relationship and she knows where she stands at all times with me.

Since H left, the relationships I have with not only my kids, but their friends and significant others have also improved. We have been able to laugh and do things together that we didnt do when I was babysitting an alcoholic

I also thank God that my friends have rallied around me. I put away the Christmas cards today and going through them was great. In the dysfunctional family we had,, H tried to isolate me from my friends and family. Told me they were too pious, or hicks, or whatever (not that I believed him) but it did make all our relationships strained. Since he left we have slowly been rebuilding that network of family and friends.

I guess I have to get a big book. We had one, it was H's and I gave it to him day I gave him his Bible to take. They are probably both still tossed in the back of his car.