Hi all,

I was reading babytoluv's post and thought this would be a great spin-off post for suggestions...

Here's some things to start with, I am hoping others will chime in with good information and valuable lessons they learned, to help make a difference...Which I think most of us when we signed those papers were in too much of a "divorce shock syndrom" to think clearly enough to sign legal documents anyway...

Anyway, here's some more suggestions...

1. If you believe, as I do, that it's not healthy to move children around to different schools, make sure you have final say in residence and school. (I made sure of this)

2. Make sure you have final say in medical if there's a split vote...someone has to make a decision. (I did this)

3. (one of my mistakes)If a person moves 30 miles to 50 miles away, that person will do 3/4 of driving. (typically, they can't move out of ajoining counties, but if you live in a big city as I do, they could move over 50 miles away and still be within the custody papers...(my ex moved 50 miles, that's 100 miles each pick up and drop off.)

4. (an "almost" mistake I made)Think of any retirement plan they may have, even through unions, you may be entitled to half and your lawyer may overlook this...(if you get a cheapy like I did...)

5. (another one of my mistakes) On Christmas vacation, put in the decree that each Christmas the person who doesn't have the children starts there time with them at 6:00 p.m. (this way no parent is without their children for Christmas...

6. The parent who doesn't have the child has first choice over any non-relatives to take care of the child/children when the other parent can't be with them. During summer vacation, the parent who doesn't have the child has first choice over all persons during extended vacation time. (transportation needs to be discussed as well).

Take care all,

ANNA

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 08:37 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

anna
does it make a difference who files the divorce?
my soon 2BX will be moving to another state, should I file now or wait until he leaves?
what impact will moving to another state have?
If we get joint custody can I prevent him from taking our daughter out of state?

Annavon, good points
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 6. The parent who doesn't have the child has first choice over any non-relatives to take care of the child/children when the other parent can't be with them. During summer vacation, the parent who doesn't have the child has first choice over all persons during extended vacation time. (transportation needs to be discussed as well). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The official term for this is the Right of First Refusal, and Mom's House/Dad's House encourages this as part of the decree. However, your statement of "non-relatives" is my primary cause of concern.
My H demands 50/50 custody now, but I'm certain his parents are really watching my children, as he is living in their house. The appropriate wording is non-custodial parent, rather than non-relatives. (My FIL was picked up for soliciting prostitution recently - not a great role model for my children).

Anna,

You have posted some valuable information. Thank you! I especially liked #5 and #6. Wouldn't have thought of those.

Newly,
I have the book "Mom's House/Dad's House. Great book. It is very helpful for people in our situations.

Ruby - first, you need to compare laws of the two states and make sure you do not lose the ability to apply your home state rules, if those are better for you. It's probably not an issue, but you need to check with a lawyer on that.

If you want to prevent relocation, that has to be in the custody agreement, and again you need a lawyer because that has to be carefully phrased. A blanket prohibition may not be enforcable. Many people make agreements trying to "work things out", but when push comes to shove they are not enforceable and mean nothing to a judge.

I guess the other thing is you said "STBX" even though you have not filed. I'm only suggesting you be careful about your actual status and especially about not losing any options after he moves and spends time in another state.

Anna - these are good ideas. We actually make the switch at noon on Christmas Day. On items 1 and 2, it seems like you are suggesting sole legal custody, is that right?

- Tom

One thing I'd like to add is about who claims any children on taxes..

If you have two kids..then you should see about both claiming one..

if there are 3, maybe the non-custodial parent claim's the middle child and the custodial parent claim's the other two..

It's something that was discussed during my divorce...he wanted to claim all three..because
he is paying child support..my lawyer said...No way..

because if I have child care expenses to pay..it
wouldn't pan out on the taxes...so think about that also...

Splitting the child exemptions would be nice, but the custodial parent has to sign an IRS form each and every year for that to happen.

Ruby,

Not being a lawyer I am concerned with giving any advice on a subject this important. However, I will tell you from what my lawyer told me, "It could be very hard on a person if one person establishes residency in another state and it is best to file before they do this..."

I also read someone's post on here months ago. Their ex filed in another state and she was expect to go there...I can't recall who or the details and I think she got her lawyer to change it, but I'm sure it was costly and time consuming...

I think you should consult an attorney soon.

Newly,

Thanks for that clarification....I didn't know the legal term. Actually, I would say get a lawyer to word everything I have said if you are interested in putting it in the custody papers or decree.

I guess a lot of this would depend on who the relatives and friends are....For instance, the kids stay with my ex's aunt and consider her a grandma a lot...I wouldn't have a problem with them being with her, although if it would knock me out of precious time with my children, then I may want that first choice...

I think it's something parents should consider, and if there is a relative or friend that is "bad" for the children, I'd say here's another one to add to that list...

#7. "Name of bad person" is not allowed to be with the children at anytime or perhaps...."name of children" may not be left in the care of "name of bad person...(again a lawyer should word this).

The Feminine Side,

Thanks for thumbs up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

TMXX,

That's a very important one I missed...I actually thought ex would give me children in the late afternoon on Christmas day since I would agree to do the same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> When will I learn? I gave him children last year on Christmas afternoon and Christmas eve...this year I almost didn't get them either days, I did...however, I consider it very lucky, and it would have saved a lot of heartache if I would of got this in writing.

Regarding sole custody...It wasn't my intention to suggest sole custody, in fact, I believe if both parents are loving and overall good parents, there should be joint custody.

Even though I have the children the majority of the time, my ex and I are considered to have joint custody. Although, I am considered the custodial parent.

Because the vote is always split 50/50 and there is no third party, someone has to make the final decision on school, residence and medical...I would just like to see that be the parent that spends the most time with the child/children and mainly the parent that can have a stable place to live and doesn't move around every 6 months...

Also, to me, the parent that broke up the home due to drugs, alcohol, affairs, physical abuse, etc., IMO, should not be allowed to have the luxery of having final say in the choice of school, residence and medical, if there is a dispute over it. I just think they have not proved responsibility and would probably not be the one to make the wise choices needed concerning the kids.

I'm not saying that only one parent should be involved in their life though. I think you have to look at individuals and individual cases. If both parents could possibly live in the same neighborhood and both are loving and caring parents, I would think it would be wonderful if they could split the time with the children and work out an agreement that would give the child as much a sense of security as possible...

Even though my ex abused me, he's a pretty decent parent, not responsible enough, but the children need to be with him as much as possible, I do see that. I have offered for him to see the children more than the custodial papers allow...he has started taking me up on it a little more lately but at first declined my offers...

Also, if my ex would have got custody, a week after the divorce my children may have moved 50 miles a way from me, be going to a brand new school, and living with his new girlfriend and two other kids...Perhaps he would have stayed in our home, but some how I doubt it as he's not responsible with money and I doubt he'd be able to keep up with the mortgage on his own...So, what kind of life would that be for them?

TR,

That is a good point to negotiate if you are the non-custodial parent, but if you are the custodial, at least in Texas, you almost always get to claim both children. Mainly because from what my parenting class told me, in Texas they base their percentage of child support at a rate expecting the custodial parent to get to claim the children to make up for some of the money the custodial parent still spends...So, my ex tried to get to claim one, but my lawyer said "no".

Well, I am so glad this topic helped some people.

Take care and ya'll,

The other ANNA (not Annavon) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />