I need some help understanding. My wife of 14years just up and left me for my best friend of 12years. We have two children and I'm completely lost. I loved her completely and never knew she was having an affair until last Sept. She said that it just happened and they never planned it. Then she wanted a divorce saying that she hasn't loved me in years and that she doesn't love me the way she should. I never saw it coming. My friend lied to me when he said that he would stay out of our marriage so that we could go to counseling or seek out our priest, but all he did was continually pursue her and tell her to leave me. I feel so alone because I loved her so much and he was my best friend. I look at my children and cry with them. She moved in with him 2 weeks after I found out about the affair and she wants to marry him after the divorce is final. She flaunts her love for him in front of me and the kids like this was supposed to happen. When I ask her to turn to God she just says that she believes in him and is still putting him first. How can she do that and live with another man and still be married to me. I want my children to know that God does not want peoplel to live together out of marriage and also to work out any problems with your spouse. We hardly ever faught and she just keeps saying that she will always love me just not the way a wife should love a husband. I'm confused. How do you have different love for someone you marry. It's so hard to understand. Any advice would be greatlly appreciated.

I am sorry about the pain that your wife has caused you and your children...here is a scripture that gives me comfort Isiah 41:13
"For I am the LORD , your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

FAA: No one can explain why your wife left you. I feel so bad for you, though, and wish this hadn't happened to you. You were betrayed with a double whammy....your wife AND your best friend. You must feel totally bereft. Might I suggest a divorce support group...I mean one you attend in person? Perhaps you can find one through your church. I think you need the personal support and the interaction. Please don't isolate yourself, as that is very common. If you do, you will probably fall even deeper into depression. From what you said in your post, it seems you have the children with you. You need to be as emotionally healthy as possible to help all of you through this. If that means counseling, seek it.

My marriage broke up without the infidelity and it was as amicable as it could possibly be. But it still hurt...BIG TIME. It's been a year and a half and I am still going through stages. It's a long and difficult process. But, I have my children and I look upon their faces and know I couldn't have gone through this without them. My faith in God has strengthened, as well.

I wish you well, and will pray for you. As they say.....this, too, shall pass. Put your hand in God's and let him lead you through this.

Yes,

the walk away wife syndrome. . . hard to understand, some seeds were planted in childhood or heredity. . .

right now, you have two plans of action. . .
file for divorce immediately,and for custody of the kids. . . or wait it out. . . .

with the suddenness. . . and the obvious flaunting, i think you should file for divorce immediately. . . because that will jolt her into reality. . . you see, she is in the fog of feeling emotional that she feels she should always have. . .

Right now, she is at her weakest as far as a legal position. . . . she is willing to give up alot for the fog. . . and then reality will hit sooner rather than later, and you can always cancel the divorce or if it goes through, work something else out later. . . . .

flaunting in front of you and the kids, being cruel . . . i hate when that happens

wiftty

I just wanted to thank those who replied. My wife I feel is confused. Both of us grew up knowing God with having very religious families but now I find her faith wavering. The man she is with or former friend is an agnostic and so she does not practice any religion with our children when she has them. Prayers at bedtime and meals along with a little Bible study during the week where very important to us and our family and now she has forgone those things just to be with this person.

He has so much of a darker side that I and my wife would not be willing to see. I always tried to look for the good in him; but when other friends found out about my situation they told me about his other affairs and how he would "weasel" his way into other relationships trying to break them up for his benefit. I told her all this and she still hardens her heart to any of it. I told her that I worry about her future and she replies that she doesn't know if she will even be with him in 5 years down the road. I told her that I meant her spiritual future and she just scouffed at me.
She thought I was too controlling in our marriage and this may be her way of rebelling. I don't know. I worry that she has put God on the shelf just to please this man. I try to tell her that we need to set good examples for our children and living with another man while you are still married to me is not one of them.
I guess I'm lost because I always thought that we could work out any problem with prayer and communication, but in the end she wants to experience something else. I wonder if she has had feelings for him for a long time because everything is moving so fast. 14 years together and she wants a 6 month divorce. I try to be strong for our children but this is killing me.

Of course she is confused. . and believe me, her choices have nothing to do with god. . . or agnostics. . . it has alot to do with learned responses or unfulfilled expectations etc. . . .

possibly, you have been very controlling, but then she has to learn to speak up for herself instead of running away from her problems. . . .

however, right now. . . she is in the fog of increased level of romantic feelings. . . of being wooed and admired, etc. . one of feeling worthy and appreciated. . . if she is a Feeler and you a Thinker, then the disparity is understandable. . .

now, remember, educating your spouse is a LB, so do not try that avenue. . . it is a DJ. . . disrespectful judgement. . . .. as an example, my X's newwest best friend was a down andout woman, not well educated, married to an alcoholic, abused, and my wife accepted that her way out of her situation was to have an affair with one of her best friend's husbands and she broke up that marriage etc,. . . any unfavorable suggestions on my part deemed negatively towards this antagonized my X. . . . .

but the reason had nothing to do with the woman, and nothing to do with me, but all to do with how my X operates and feels, does not think clearly. . . so i would suggest that you read up on some behavioral books on affairs, and understand that they are not always about you,
but mostly within the learned behaviors or lack of ceratin behavioral experiences and understandings about life.

if this poerson is as dark as you say. . . then waiting it out and being strong for your kids, may allow your wife to see her mistake. . .

but, if a spouse FLAUNTS the new relationship in front of kids and spouse, then there is no empathy or understanding of the feelings of others, and that is unacceptable to me. . . t

wiftty

WIFTT,
i think you should file for divorce immediately. . . because that will jolt her into reality. . . you see, she is in the fog of feeling emotional that she feels she should always have. . .
But you aren't the one to have to live with HIS decision. You've been here long enough to know this is not part of MB principles. Not to say everything has to be dome in strict accordance with these ideas. But it is completely against one of the main principles of MB.

now, remember, educating your spouse is a LB, so do not try that avenue. . . it is a DJ. . . disrespectful judgement. .
But filing for divorce isn't?

FeelingAllAlone,
Don't file for a divorce unless you want one. If your not sure, don't do it yet. You will KNOW when you are (emotionally) ready for it.
Don't do it to try and get your wife to "wake up."

I wish I could make my wife "wake up" but she has filed for divorce. She even said to me that she will marry him as soon as the divorce is final. Then she said that she wants to have his children. The last thing hurt me the most because she didn't want any more kids after our last one and wanted me to get a vestectamy which I did. I tried to do any and all things to please her.
I must admit that those romantic feelings and nurturings that she is getting right now has been my problem. When I try those things its either too late or she doesn't want it any more. I've tried the best I could. Sure I could do things a little different but marriage isn't about walking on "pins and needles" hoping your doing it right.

I know she's in the fog of the new romance and her boyfriend knows because I confided things to him over 12 years, now he uses that ammo against me and confirms her belief in leaving me. She doesn't want to have those feelings for me. She puts up those walls around herself and wont let any one in.

I just wish it never thought it would have gone this far. With what all we went through after 14 years I would have at least thought she would have tried every possible avenue to work on our marriage and not leave so abruptly. Its as almost if she did not want to let this guy get away and she will say and do anything to keep him.

Thanks again for your honest imputs.

FAA,

Somewhat of the same thing happened to me. The first piece of advice is not to believe a single word your wife tells you while she is with the OM. Secondly, be patient. If you really love your wife and desire reconciliation do NOT get divorced!

Affairs unravel.

My former best friend used his position to separate my wife and I. She knows it now and that plus a lot of other things is bringing about there demise. They live across the street from me which is really hard at times, but also a blessing.

In time the truth will come out. Take care of yourself and your children and don't be surprised by anything your wife does at this point. She is think only of herself. Don't be surprised if she tells people you beat her or that you're a drunk. It is something they do to justify what they have done.

Live the truth and make her live her lie. My XW has zero social life now. Right now you are feeling all the hurt at once, she has had time to prepare for this.

BE PATIENT.

FAA,

I know what you're feeling, I had the same happen to me and it not only hurts that you lost your partner for life, you also lost your best friend in the process, it hurts like hell, there is no denying it. I was a total wreck when it happened and I still have alot of tough days.

I hope you don't mind, but I called in some other long time MB'ers to your thread from the General Questions forum to help you get through the initial pain this will be and to give you some hints.

I haven't written here much, for a few reasons, but one is that I find it very hard to this date to write out what I've gone through, and how much it hurt....but when I saw your thread it hit a note so I came out of lurking mode. The one thing I will tell you is to not listen to what she is saying, it's MAJOR fog talk! It means NOTHING. Second is, do NOT run after her, call her, email her, etc...although I know your every fiber wants to...leave her be for now and work on YOU. Hard yes, but necessary! Trust us...it gets better no matter which way the ball falls...you will turn out alright in the end. Just read all the info here and listen to what people say, and post here instead of getting in contact with WW for now.

Hope this helps.....
Shepette

I really appreciate any and all comments right now. To me the truth doesn't hurt at all I need to hear it. I may have been at faults for some of the things, but it still does take 2 to make a M and 2 to make it work.

I had to take my kids back to her and her new boy friends apartment. That is not easy. She is so giddy and happy like this is the best thing that happened to her. He on the other hand just starred blankly at the computer. I don't know if he had the guts to even look at me. Part of me wants to hope that he knows he messed up but why doesn't he wake up.

My wife is really made up her mind on this divorce. I think that it is up in God's hands what happens next. Even if their relationship fails I don't know if I have the strength to start again. I believe that God has a plan for us and I wanted it to be together with her. I hope in time she will one day realize what she has done not only to me but our children. Whatever I am going through will never compare to their pain. I can't take it away for them and that tears me up.

With his agnostic beliefs, my daughter says they no longer pray before meals or even before bedtime. I worry about them and about my wife. I feel she is sacrificing all that is right by doing what her boyfriend wants...so not to make him leave.

Once again I just want to thank each and every one of you for all you comments because they help me tremendously. I have an appointment for a divorce group therapy tommorrow so I hope that helps me further. Thanks again

I had to take my kids back to her and her new boy friends apartment.
If I were you, I'd think seriously about getting an order from the courts so she cannot have the children around the om. At the very least get an order to so the om cannot spend the night while the kids are there. This is something most courts will agree with.

If you are in New Mexico, it is illegal (& very prosecutable) for a married person to cohabitate as a couple with someone of the opposite sex not your spouse (as she is now.)

Sorry to hear about your problem. I know you are telling yourself that you never in a million years thought this would be happening to you. You are probably beginning to feel a lot of guilt for what you must have done to bring this on. No doubt your wife is helping this process along, however she can.
Listen, you need to do a couple of fundamental things, right away. They may not make sense, but realize that nothing will make sense to you right now. You are hurt, scared, insulted, jilted, embarrassed and exhausted, just to name off the main symptoms.
First, you need to see a counselor. The reason for this is so you can begin to understand what is happening to you and why you feel the way you feel. You also need to have someone tell you what and what not to do. You need an EMERGENCY visit to see a counselor. This counselor may recommend that you see an MD, who will prescribe some medication to keep you from getting too depressed.
Next, go see a lawyer - a good lawyer. If you have a friend in the real estate business, ask him who the best divorce lawyer in town is. Believe me, real estate divorces are nasty and they know the best representation.
Don't sign anything and don't lay hands on your wife, in any way whatsoever.
You said your wife wanted a 6 months divorce - in my state, if you have kids, it's a mandatory 12 month separation before divorce.
Don't just let her take the kids. The kids are the treasures of the marriage. If you want them, and they want you, keep them with you in their home, if you can afford to keep your home by yourself. Your wife will automatically assume that you will roll-over and give her the kids, alimony, child support, etc. Not so fast sister, not so fast. She is the one who wants to go. Tell her to get her [censored] out, take her clothes and NOTHING ELSE. She is the only one who wants this change, so get the hell out and be on her way, if that's the way she wants it. If you are man enough to overlook this mistake, tell her she can come back, but the offer doesn't last forever. Put a time limit on it.
She is empowered to go on this little joy ride with your supposed best friend because she thinks he will be there for her during the hard times. It's OK to let him know that he's on thin ice with you. The friendship is over and you can use what you know about him to your advantage, if you want. Anything is fair game now, as far as he is concerned.
Let me sum this up for you - if you want your kids, keep the house clean and make it as nice as it was when your wife was at home. They won't want to leave their home, if you make it nice for them. They will miss their mom, but they are missing you now, believe it or not.
Who am I? I've been through this. I let my wife stomp all over me until my counselor let me know what was going on. In the end, I had custody of all three kids and I kept the house.
Who knows what happens to make your partner take off suddenly. All I can tell you is that it just seems suddenly to you. She has been planning this - they all plan it. You'd probably choke if you knew how much money she took with her. If she's been planning it, she's been socking money away for a long time.
Hang in there, friend. I hope your employer will be understanding with you while you get yourself together. The counselor is your ticket to feeling better and getting on with things.

Good luck

Hey there guy,

I'm divorced, the OM and my XW are married, and I have custody of our 6 y/o daughter. Her fantasyland has yet to close, but she's had her share of problems. Besides, I know she won't leave him without having someone else to cling to.

I smiled when I read "Live the truth and make her live her lie." from Moving On With Life. SO TRUE!!! I know I'm not perfect, but I know that I did everything I could as far as my marriage was concerned. I can hold my head high. I earned my divorce.

It is more important that you make decisions now that you can live with for the rest of your life.

I'm not going to tell you to file now or not. There are pro's and con's to filing early on.

Get one thing through your head right now. YOU are NOT responsible for the affair. She CHOSE to have the affair. Decay of marriage, sure, her too.

Right now a chemical is racing through her giving her that "in love" feeling. It lasts about 6 months. I forget what it's called right now. Most affairs last about 6 months, gee, wonder why.

What for you to do? Well, there is NOTHING you can do right now to seperate the lovers, NOTHING. You are competing with a FANTASY and you cannot win until fantasyland closes. All she's doing right now is painting you in a bad light so that she can RATIONALIZE her actions. People can rationalize anything, including murder. Just wait until some of life's hardships creap in and crush her relationship built on sand.

Religious beliefs really don't mean a thing when it comes to this behavior. You'll find it's more like an addiction.

I'm pretty much an agnostic and all my cheating WS was doing was thumping her bible to me. Psycho.

So, what's there for you to do. Work on yourself. Why? There's nothing you can do with her right now and if things don't improve, you'll need to look into the future and find someone else. Odds are, once her fantasyland starts to close down, the fog will clear and she'll start looking back at you. What are you going to look like?

The best revenge is living well. Be a great guy. If she can't see it, too bad. Don't put it in her face. Either she'll sober up or she won't. At least you won't have to live with the regret of letting a nice spouse get away.

This is what you need:

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940

Well to say not to file for a divorce will be a little late, she has done that. Right now we have already signed the temporary settlement for child support. With the conditions of the report I want our kids as much as possible. Where I work, I work 12 hour shifts so I can have the kids every day off which is 14 to 15 days a month and she has them the rest of the time. I want our children in my life because I can't even imagine the pain that they are feeling.

I have been in counseling and it has helped. I have also seeked advice from family and friends that have been in a divorce. I do have a lawyer so I have been trying to protect myself.

I don't think I could stay in the house just because everything I own is tied up in it. Two years ago I cashed in my 401K to build our "dream home" now hows that one. She says that she doesn't want my pension or the things in the home just half of the house profits and child support. She hasn't yet hinted at alamony(maintenance)so I don't know her intentions. I dont have much conversation with her. I see her twice a week when I come and get the kids.

I do believe in everyone's words that she is most definately living in the "fog of romance" this was something I probably was not very good at. I also believe that she has been planning this for quite some time or how else could this move so fast. What makes me mad is that she doesn't want our marriage to work or at least try. I've been doing all the trying and she has been only looking at the OM.

He on the other hand I found out had a girlfriend of 3 years before this. He told everyone that they broke up about a month before I found out about my wife's affair. Unfortunately he forgot to tell his girlfriend. He played my wife and girlfriend along together and waited to see if my wife would make a committment to him and then he dumped his girlfriend. How sick is that. Both of them have left nothing but a trail of hurt people behind them and still they dont have a care in the world.

I most affairs end in 6 months, Febuary should be an interesting month for me. I still love her but I also cant stop living my life and wait at the front door hoping she will return. I think something will have to devistate her before anything like that will happen. She is still caught up in the moment and wont recognize who she is hurting. She even went so far as telling our daughter that in time she would thank her for leaving me because you have to be happy first. I agree with you have to be happy first, but I dont expect an eight year old to understand anything like that. Ialso believe that you have to earn your way out of a marriage such as counseling,therapy,church groups, books, mag.etc,but my wife has done none of that. All I want was our marriage to work and all she wanted was a way out. Now that OM came in she took it and left. She has never been on her own in her whole life. I met her when she was in high school. She left her parents to marry me after three years of dating. Now she leaves me and wants to marry OM by this year. It all seems so unbelievable to me.

Yep, another "by the script" story.

OM was seeing his girlfriend while seeing my now XW.

Now XW was pissed when she found out and wanted to get back at OM. OM's girlfriend dumped him because I think now XW told her.

One has to wonder where it's all going. Nothing good can come of what they've "built".

Some days I'm bummed about a failed marriage. Other days I'm glad she's his problem now and not mine.

Hello FeelingAllAlone,

Welcome to the board. I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. Many of us have and are undergoing similar circumstances and we do so feel your pain. I hope our thoughts and experence can help you get through this better.

There is an explanation and its choice…hers. Please try not to take this as an indictment against yourself, it's easy to do and is not true. Your W in under the very powerful influence of infatuation. (Below is an explanation) Once I understood this, it helped me deal with the almost crazy choices my WW was making. There will come a day that she will regret many decisions she is currently making...who knows when, but trust it will happen, becuase God is not giving up on her. No matter what happens, do whatever you do with care and love.

I hope the information below helps you better understand why she is acting completely out of character and apparently turning her back on God and her family. I am in no way justifying her action, but offering an explanation. I hope this will help you feel better about yourself and better understand and accept her actions for what they are.

Whether you divorce or try to work though this, do it in love, because you never know what the future may bring.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quotes From &#8220;The Truth About Love&#8221; By Pat Love, Ed.D.

&#8220;When you meet a strong candidate for love, you limbic system is flooded with a powerful chemical concoction &#8211; so powerful the scientists now believe that the euphoria of infatuation is a bona fide, altered state of consciousness. It is induced by the action of phenylethylamine (PEA), which is a naturally occurring, amphetamine-like neurotransmitter. Michael Liebowitz, a research psychiatrist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, explains that when we come into contact with a person who highly attracts us, our brain becomes saturated with a love cocktail comprised of PEA and several other excitatory neurotransmitters, including dopamine and norepinephrine. PEA, known as the &#8220;love molecule&#8221;, works in concert with dopamine and norepinephrine and triggers incredible side effects. Symptoms include a delightfully positive attitude, increased energy, decreased need for sleep, and loss of appetite. Increased concentrations of dopamine in the brain are associated with euphoria.&#8221;
&#8220;Full-blown infatuation knows no fear&#8230; The frenzied action of lovers&#8217; neurons renders the fearless and unrealistically optimistic. It is no wonder that they tend to discount alarming qualities in their sweethearts.&#8221;
&#8220;PEA, dopamine, and norepinephrine pack such a powerful chemical wallop that people in the throes of infatuation undergo a temporary personality change... This is why lovers say things like &#8220;I can&#8217;t believe I&#8217;m talking to you like this. I&#8217;m telling you things I&#8217;ve never told anybody&#8221; Or, &#8220;You&#8217;re so easy to talk to&#8221; &#8221;
&#8220;PEA stimulates libido, raising interest in sex. Dopamine makes us more sexually receptive by increasing our enjoyment of sex and making us want it again&#8221;
&#8220;The delightful influence or infatuation makes us dangerously inclined to make decisions we may later regret&#8221;

In-fat-u-at-ed
1. Lacking sound judgment; foolish.
2. Completely carried away by foolish or shallow love or affection.
3. Extrapolating from insufficient information.

&#8220;During the Infatuation Stage, nature makes loving easy by reinforcing contact with euphoria-producing neurotransmitters. But she only provides the initial spark&#8221;

&#8220;The euphoria of infatuation only lasts about six months and then it slowly begins to wane. By the second year, scientists tell us that lovers are on their own without the aid of Mother Nature&#8217;s love potion.&#8221;

&#8220;When you are aroused, any number of partners can give you simple sexual relief. Infatuation is different. You can be attracted to a number of people but infatuated with only one at a time. Infatuation is characterized by focused attention on a specific partner. When you are infatuated with someone, only this person can give you those euphoric &#8220;in love&#8221; feeling.&#8221;

&#8220;It is important, though, to realize that infatuation is merely the earliest stage of love. Do not mistake this temporary power surge for a permanent condition, or confuse it with true love.&#8221; </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some Thoughts:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let God work on her. If she is His, the Holy Spirit will convict her and bring her back. Trust she has a conscience and God has not given up on her.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let your anger, resentment, and bitterness go. These emotions do more damage to yourself than anyone else.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do not quote Bible verses. This comes across as controlling. She knows them already. She is just conveniently forgetting them.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Humbly accept that you are just as capable of falling in sin as she is. You may not believe this, but each of us if given the right set circumstances can turn away from God and our responsibilities. All it takes is acting on an impulse and allowing are human frailty and nature to control us.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do not criticize her in front of the children. Love them and tell them their mother loves them. Let your W provide the explanation to them. Assure them that they have nothing to do with what has happened. They are a blessing to both of you and a gift from God. It is so easy to lash out again your W using the children, but if you do this you do it at their expense and at the expense of your family.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As much as possible, try to live you life and be happy. You are not alone and God is so much larger than all this. God has been preparing you for this very moment.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Accept for this to happen there must have been a problem with your relationship and you will probably come to conclusion that you are 50% of the problem and she is the other 50%. Work on you and try to honestly determine the areas of your life you need to improve. When you talk to your WW listen. You may not agree or even see what she is talking about, but you will probably find there is something there. Nobody is perfect.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust God is in control. Believe it or not you can get through this a be happy.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have every legal, moral, and biblical right to divorce her...The choice is yours.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, if you decide to wait and try to work through this: Do not smoother her with affection, be loving and caring, do not judge, condemn, or get angry, be her best friend, etc... (Warning: This is a very difficult road with no guarantee of success!)</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take Care,
Derrel

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: Lost & Found ]</small>

With all due respect for the effects of phenylethylamine and its ilk, I don't think it can explain the kind of behavior we've seen from our spouses. The "fog" we talk about here goes far beyond the "fog of romance". It's quite literally a psychotic state.

That's not to imply an organically-based psychosis. This isn't a disease we're talking about. But we are talking about a dramatic loss of contact with reality, which is an indicator of severe internal stresses. Do not underestimate the power of dissonance.

And that giddy behavior? How deep do you think that "happiness" really goes?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally written by Don Henley:
<strong>My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True happiness, the "inner peace" kind of happiness, never comes through self-delusion. And I believe that sooner or later (or both), any child of God who tries that route will have to deal with God asking her why she is throwing herself against the goads. (Acts 26:14)

FAA, I felt every bit of your pain when I read your posts. Although I'm the BW, my WH acted in very much the same ways, and is almost a stranger to me. It is so bizarre, it seems surreal most days. I come home to a house that is no longer home. The "emptiness" is something that will take a long time to pass. My WH was involved for a very long time with a co-worker who I considered a mutual friend. She and her H and my H and I did lots of social things together, exchanged gifts, went shopping, even went on a cruise with several other couples together. I understand the devistation you feel at the double betrayal. The very hardest thing for me is that this is the second time he has been involved with a "career" woman, a strong business type. In my younger days, early on in our marriage I wanted that too and he insisted that he wanted to "take care of me" and only wanted me to work if I wanted. He was adament about it. Yeah, he's taken care of me alright.
Please do heed the words of the others posting here, they are right. It will get better, I can see that in my life already starting to happen. You'll go through lots of different stages, denial, depression, obsession, extreme anger. One by one, you'll let go of them to work on you. You MUST take care of yourself, even if you just want to pull the covers over your head. Once in awhile I indulge myself in that luxury, but now I am focusing on myself more. Your W, like my H, is truly lost in a fantasy world of "romance" and thinks that by totally ignoring almost everything from the marriage you had together, it can just be forgotten and she can start over. It just isn't that easy and they will find this out.
I hope for your sake that your W "wakes up" before it's to late and to much damage is done. I don't believe that will happen for me, my H is a management type and has to much pride to admit mistakes....he'd rather justify until he is blue in the face. But I know on quiet dark nights, thoughts will creep in, dreams will creep in. It's my solace as I move on.
Stay strong, limit contact, be courteous and show her the person you are and can be - not a doormat. Let your strength shine through. Let God guide you. I ask God everyday to guide my words and actions, especially where my H is concerned. You're reeling in shock and hurt right now. You sound like a thoughtful compassionate person and you deserve better - know that.
Gnome de Plume, in a side note, I have to say I have always loved the Eagles and "Lyin' Eyes" has always been one of my favorites. Your quote was so timely and appropriate. I find lots of comfort in music these days, and so many lyrics hit home. Pain, like love, is universal I guess.

FeelingAllAlone,
WOW! I cannot believe the similarities in our situations. Mine has an obvious twist if you read my sig line, but she is saying the EXACT same things my wife is saying. The difference, my former BF (now the OM) is engaged and living with his fiance.

My wife says as soon as she can afford to she's gone. I know your pain of loosing your wife and BF at the same time. It's unbearable. I now feel SO ALONE. When my wife first told me she wasn't happy and wanted to separate I confided in my BF, we talked 3-4 times a day for nearly a month before I found out about their EA! Talk about the ultimate betrayal.

I don't know if I can give you any advice, I am still going through the infant stages of this process, and my wife is still at home with me for now. But, she too refuses to go to church. I've repented and found a good church for our family, she will not go. I do know that when I talk to her about church she becomes VERY defensive and shuts me out.

Again, I'm not sure what advise I can offer, but I can say that you are not alone. This board has been a tremendous help for me. There are so many people here who will help you through this as much as possible. They will not be able to replace your wife or BF, but they will provide you support and allow you an avenue to vent.

Best of luck to you and your children.