Hi,<P>Such a long story. I will try to make it short. My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs and been married for 4. I would say our marriage has been a normal one (we have our ups and downs) up until 6 months ago when my mother passed away. My mother and I were very close so this has been very traumatic for me. So of course my grieving has caused problems in my marriage. <P>Everything went downhill in Oct on my birthday. This was a very hard day for me and my husband didn't make it any better. That's when he told me he was leaving. He said we were having too many problems and he was tired of it. Needless to say that was 2 months ago and he hasn't gone anywhere. <P>One day everything is ok and it seems like he is staying but then I will ask him and he will tell me he is leaving. I don't know what I would do if I lost him so soon after losing my mother. We have to young kids (3 & 5) and I want my family to stay together. Now when I ask him to make a decision, he says he doesn't know. He told me he wanted to seperate for awhile then come back. I told him if he were to leave, it would be for good. <P>Oh, he has left before. That time, he came home one day and told me he was leaving, packed his stuff the same day and left. Why is this time different?<P>Sorry so long, any advice please.

First, I would learn all I could on this site and others and from Dr. John Gottman's books and wherever else I could. I would look at other topics on this baord ... not just "Other Topics", but things like "Divorcing/Divorced". There is a lot of ground covered under each topic, and a lot of overlap; and a lot of things that come out in passing from people who have already divorced, having been in the same situation you are now. I know that when I was having trouble in my marriage, I was loathe to go into the "Divorcing/Divorced" area, but if I had I would have seen a lot more interesting posts, and found a lot of things I didn't find in "Why Women Leave Men". Might it have helped? I don't know, but I feel like I missed out on some things I could have done. <P>Your children should be your main focus, and having a home with their father is very important for their development. Unless your husband is way out of line, I would examine every possibility for strengthening your marriage. <P>Right now he's not giving a lot of detail as to why he wants to bail out, or you're not posting it here. It needs to come out. <P>I would also point out that you seem to have expected him to leave when he announced it. "He hasn't gone anywhere" sounds fundamentally different from "So far I've managed to keep him here." Do you really want him? Or are you simply afraid not to have him around. Do you love him, or is he just a comfort. What needs of yours doesn't he meet?<P>And are you making home an attractive place for him to be? And why in the world are you questioning him about this particular decision when it seems to drive a wedge between you? <P>On the separation topic, Dr. Harley counsels against it, absent abusive circumstances. But don't use the ultimatum on your part that if he does it, it's for good. That's got a built-in challenge to his autonomy, and also creates a psychological barrier toward him trying to reconcile if he does separate. Why don't you ask him what he thinks that will do for him? Tell him that you feel like it wil hurt you. Ask him if there's a way to avoid all the hurt and make your marriage better. <BR>