Alexia,<P>I'd suggest that you start reading everything on the MarriageBuilder's site: Basic concepts, Articles, Q&A columns. Pay special attention to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> as a guide to see how you've been doing.<P>Do you Lovebust? Disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, selfish demands and dishonesty are all ways to kill your husband's love for you. If you do any of these, your first plan of action should be to eliminate these.<P>Do you meet his emotional needs? Your husband probably has two or three top emotional needs (as listed by Harley): these could be sexual fulfillment, admiration, and recreational companionship (usually top for most men---but you really need to figure out YOUR HUSBAND'S needs). When your husband had his affair, it's possible that he was looking for something you weren't providing for him. To make a marriage work, you must become an expert at meeting your spouse's top emotional needs.<P>Do you spend time with your husband? Harley recommends the nearly inconceivable task of spending 15 hours/week together as a couple---WITHOUT ANY DISTRACTIONS. No kids. Sitting in front of the TV doesn't count. You should use this time to meet each other's needs---recreational companionship, conversation, admiration, affection, sex. I'm guessing that if you have three kids (I do), you're probably thinking that 15 hours a month would be too hard to squeeze out. But you MUST make your marriage a priority! Being a super-mom doesn't mean that your husband will love you more, unless that is very important to him. <P>The final rule is complete honesty. It's clear that he hasn't been honest with you. You both need to be honest about your feelings with each other, and do so in a way that builds love, rather than tears it down (by criticism, for example).<P>Without more information, I wouldn't know where to tell you to start. Harley's books are terrific: I have nearly all of them. I usually suggest Give and Take, Lovebusters, and His Needs/Her Needs as the first ones to look at. Surviving an Affair is also very good, although if the affair is truly over, you may be past that. And I highly recommend the MarriageBuilder's phone counseling as a way to get started: both Steve and Jenn Harley are great. I've counseled with Steve for quite some time, and my wife is counseling with Jenn. They could help you put a plan in place to try to save your marriage, and even if your husband isn't willing to go along, you could certainly get started.
