Well, as my thread title says, I'm bumming a little today. Overall, the TRO has gone well and there haven't been major issues over it. He wasn't served until Monday, so that created a bit of an issue over the weekend (he wanted to come into the house to do some computer work--the parts were here) but I held my ground and said "I can't or I will get in trouble--and things eventually smoothed out.

So, one thing I'm bumming about today is that it appears my H or stbxH or WHATEVER he is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> has decided that he is not a sex addict and is not and will not go to SA meetings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Apparently, he had all of his A's because of a "personality problem" and because he couldn't talk to me!! Is it just me, or does anybody else hear: "If I could have talked to you, I wouldn't have had the affair!" Blame-blame-blame. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm bummed because when we first discovered that maybe he was a Sex Addict a week or two ago, it seemed like such an obvious and good fit, and then when he actually went to a few meetings, I got a little excited! I mean, if you know anything about the 12 Steps, the first step is "My life is out of control due to this addiction" and another two steps are realizing that God can restore you and turning your life over to god(add a spiritual dimension to my life), and another two steps are taking a moral inventory of your own self(in other words, taking responsibility and not blaming someone else) and admitting the exact nature of your wrongs, and another two steps are being willing for God to work in your life to remove these issues/problems, and another step is to make amends where its possible!!! Darn--that's GOOD stuff!!! I'm a baby at this (Step ONE--ya gotta love it!) but I got a little bit hopeful that he'd stick to the program and work the steps. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Instead, it looks like he hasn't hit rock bottom yet and intends to blame it on the fact that he can't talk to me.

(On a side note, I am LOVING S-Anon and LOVING Step One. I have learned so much about myself and where some of my ideas about sex came from and how I participated in this dance. I had a workbook with 100 Step One Questions, and it is excellent--really takes a lot of thought. I think co-addict is a good word for what I was. Also, I just got a book by Patrick Carnes "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking from Exploitive Relationships"--something like that. WHOA! That book was written for ME!)

The other part that I'm bumming about is that I heard from my dream job today that they selected another applicant...but get this! They were so impressed with me that they asked if they could be a reference for me on my resume! Is that awesome or what?? I've been a volunteer there for a long time, so they know me pretty well, but I think it'll look cool to have a Director and Executive Director of a major non-profit as references, don't you?? Still, I'm bummed. I was hoping to be gainfully employed by this week. I'm thinking I might just concentrate on my studies while I have "time off" right now. Who knows, at this speed maybe I'll finish my course before I get a job! It's self-paced, so I can pace a little quicker I guess! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, that's it in the Wild, Wild West.

CJ

The 12 step program is suppose to be one of the best. I was at the counselor today, and talked to him about my hsuband getting into the 12 step anger management program. I wouldn't mind either. I am getting counseling on my anger as of now, and I am finding that I look at life somewhat differently.

Glad to see you feel this is an excellent program. I only knew about the alcoholics 12 step program. But there are quite programs that follow the same steps. Isn't it great to finally see that the issue of your marriage is not just your husband (yes he had a problem), but that you also are finding things out about yourself.

I am doing this, and realizing that I need (Tuning up), too. We are all created with Gods love, God will help us see the mistakes we are making, and God will help us to mend these mistakes.

It is sad, that it takes this to see that we are not perfect people. I didn't mean that we all see ourselves as perfect, but you know what I mean.

Good job, on yourself. Feeling bummed is a normal process. I was told today, for the next 1 - 2 years you are going to feel bummed periodically. But the goal is to work towards a future. Work towards a feeling of knowing yourself. And God will take care of us.

Your DREAM job! Boy that hurt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But, you know, maybe something is going to come up that is just more interesting, and who knows more $$$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> At least you have another reference that is powerful. I would just continue to study, get your classes out of the way, and concentrate on making good grades. A job will come. And you have proven that you are really a terrific person and valuable.

Ups and downs are typical of this rollercoaster we are on. I like your tag line, because I can say that I am now healthy and alone. But I feel less lonely now than I ever did in the M.

Call out the resources and friends when you feel this way. You know you can't change him, but you can change you and your reactions.

Think of a great song in your head, and it will just keep playing. "I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day" . . . .

Keep your head up, or you won't see the opportunities.

BTW, you did tell the non-profit that you'd be interested in other positions with them didnt' you? Also, did you ask for other leads for networking? People know people.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>The 12 step program is suppose to be one of the best. I was at the counselor today, and talked to him about my hsuband getting into the 12 step anger management program. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BOY! Faith4me, let me tell you one thing I have learned the SUPER, DUPER hard way: "You can not teach a man anything...you can only help him to find it within himself." Now this is not a "man" statement--I meant man in the generic "human being" sense. Until a person is ready to admit there is a problem they will NOT be ready to learn something and you can't teach them. It took me YEARS to learn this lesson, years of pain and hurt. I wanted my H to want our M so badly, and he just wasn't ready or willing. I used to think, "If he just GOES to the MB Weekend, it will somehow reach through to him and he'll want to repair our M" but actually he just got mad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Glad to see you feel this is an excellent program. I only knew about the alcoholics 12 step program. But there are quite programs that follow the same steps. Isn't it great to finally see that the issue of your marriage is not just your husband (yes he had a problem), but that you also are finding things out about yourself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, I'd have to say that these programs really are excellent. That I know of, there are quite a few 12 step programs: Alcoholics (AA) and their friends and family (Alanon); Sexaholics (SA) and their friends and family (S-Anon); Drug Addicts and their friends and family; Overeaters and their friends and family; and honestly I think the 12 steps could be applied to almost any addiction!

And yes, it is great to find out things about myself. I've known for about two and a half years now that the issues in our marriage were not just my H's "fault"--shortly after his big PA, I got my hands on Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" and when I got to the chapter about Bad Spirits (aka here on MB as LoveBusters) I knew that I was a Fault-Finder and Unforgiving--those were my two biggies. Anyway, since then (about March 2000) I've been learning and learning and learning about myself and very, very slowly changing and growing. Because of the abuse, I was often distracted and felt like I was "off course" of my true self, but now, I feel like I'm starting to get back into alignment with my core.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I am doing this, and realizing that I need (Tuning up), too. We are all created with Gods love, God will help us see the mistakes we are making, and God will help us to mend these mistakes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN! As a matter of fact, just last night I was looking at the adaptive behaviors I've learned as a result of my childhood and marriage that JUST DO NOT WORK as an adult, and I think my biggest one is being OVER-RESPONSIBLE. I have lots of work to do on myself!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Good job, on yourself. Feeling bummed is a normal process. I was told today, for the next 1 - 2 years you are going to feel bummed periodically. But the goal is to work towards a future. Work towards a feeling of knowing yourself. And God will take care of us. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well thank you! I know that feeling bummed is normal, and I'm cool just embracing it. I think, overall--for me, it's hard for me to let go and realize that my H may choose to run away from his issues and destroy himself and I have to sit back and let him. That's sad to me.

Also, I realized something REALLY important about myself. I set myself up! By looking on the websites about SA and going to a couple meetings, I let myself have a little hope and get excited. Now, there's nothing "wrong" with that per se, but I also let a few expectations slip in there--like "he's going to keep going" and "he's going to admit he has a problem" and when those hopes were dashed, I hurt my own self. I need to learn to LET GO of those expectations and "hopes" and let actions speak.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Your DREAM job! Boy that hurt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But, you know, maybe something is going to come up that is just more interesting, and who knows more $$$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> At least you have another reference that is powerful. I would just continue to study, get your classes out of the way, and concentrate on making good grades. A job will come. And you have proven that you are really a terrific person and valuable.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I thought this was my dream job, but as has often happened to me, I will be bypassed for the dream job only to be dropped right where God wants me! So, even throughout this interview process, my prayer was, "If this is where You want me to be, so You can use me, then please allow me to get this job. If not, then please put me where You need me to be." Well, guess what? I'm needed elsewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I bet God has a GREAT job with better money and more flexible hours all set for me! heehee.

In the meantime, I am studying life coaching because I want to become a marriage coach for people and a life coach for women who have been emotionally abused. As I discovered, there are DARN FEW resources out there for women who have been degraded and belittled their whole life but who have never been hit. It's just starting to be recognized as "real" abuse--and many people still argue that if you weren't hit, you weren't abused! Anyway, that's what I'm studying!

Thanks again for writing Faith4me!

CJ

FW, I know it's not at all "funny", but I had to smile at your "Blame-blame-blame" remark.
If I had a nickel for everytime my WH told me I was to blame for his having these affairs, something has been missing (?) from our marriage for 10 YEARS (!!!) I'd be independantly wealthy and support HIM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Enjoy your bumming it day. And I hope your renewed job search goes well.
Your 12 step SA program sounds very interesting. FreetoBeMe shared an SA website that I bookmarked for future reference, as I am sure that my H suffers from the same thing. Anything you can shere info wise about your program will be greatly appreciated!