I have two girls ages 12 and 14 who are not very accepting of new boyfriend. Been divorced since April, new guy met girls in July. They are polite to him, but whenever I talk about him, they tone out.
Any suggestions? I really love him and want to marry.

Sounds like to me you've got two choices:

1. Choose the boyfriend over the kids and send them away or marry him and all 4 of you can be miserable.

2. Get to the root of the problem with the kids. Though you may think you've taken things slow, the timetable you have shown, may not necessarily have given them time to heal and greive. They obviously have issue's with you choice and this is how they are expressing them.

If I were in your shoes, I'd put the boyfriend on the back burner and get some help for you and the girls. It may be that they don't feel that they are getting your attention when you are so focused on him or the problems bould lie much deeper. Either way, if he is a good and honorable man, he will understand.

That's just my 2 penny's worth.

Wait. This is too fast. Your kids are not ready. What's your hurry? Let this evolve and unfold slowly. They have the right to be cautious. They have been disrupted by divorce, and now their time with YOU is sub-divided with a new man. Just because you love him does not mean the girls will.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Wait. This is too fast. Your kids are not ready. What's your hurry? Let this evolve and unfold slowly. They have the right to be cautious. They have been disrupted by divorce, and now their time with YOU is sub-divided with a new man. Just because you love him does not mean the girls will.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think I explained situation clearly. Girls met m new guy in July and we have had a lot of fun together. They weren't thrilled, obviously, when they understood we are boyfriend/girlfriend but we all still get along great. Christmas was good as well. Whenever I try to share with the girls how special the guy is to me, they clam up and tone out. They don't want to talk about it. I have been seeing this gentleman for some time now - not just since divorce was final. Marriage was bad for several years. My counselor told me to start telling the girls now how I feel about him...etc. before I tell them about our plans to marry in the summer.

I wouldn't read too much into having "a lot of fun together". Being polite and civil in non-intimate situations is a long way from being a family unit, with questions of authority and responsibility and managing personal space.

Do your daughters know or suspect that you were seeing this man before you were divorced? Do they have reason to believe or suspect that he may be (part of) the cause of your divorce and the destruction of their family? Do they know or suspect that you are planning to further disrupt their lives by moving two hours away from their father?

From the little you have said so far, it is hard to imagine why they would find this man easy to accept, and rather easy to imagine why they would feel otherwise.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:
<strong>I wouldn't read too much into having "a lot of fun together". Being polite and civil in non-intimate situations is a long way from being a family unit, with questions of authority and responsibility and managing personal space.

Do your daughters know or suspect that you were seeing this man before you were divorced? Do they have reason to believe or suspect that he may be (part of) the cause of your divorce and the destruction of their family? Do they know or suspect that you are planning to further disrupt their lives by moving two hours away from their father?

From the little you have said so far, it is hard to imagine why they would find this man easy to accept, and rather easy to imagine why they would feel otherwise.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:
<strong>I wouldn't read too much into having "a lot of fun together". Being polite and civil in non-intimate situations is a long way from being a family unit, with questions of authority and responsibility and managing personal space.

Do your daughters know or suspect that you were seeing this man before you were divorced? Do they have reason to believe or suspect that he may be (part of) the cause of your divorce and the destruction of their family? Do they know or suspect that you are planning to further disrupt their lives by moving two hours away from their father?

From the little you have said so far, it is hard to imagine why they would find this man easy to accept, and rather easy to imagine why they would feel otherwise.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for the response and your remarks are interesting. The girls did not know about this man and I was not seeing him socially before the divorce was final. We live in different cities and only saw each other a couple of times a year at conferences. My girls may very well think he is the reason for the destruction of the marriage, even though he was not. Think I should ask them?

As pepperband said, "Wait. This is too fast. Your kids are not ready. What's your hurry? Let this evolve and unfold slowly. They have the right to be cautious. They have been disrupted by divorce, and now their time with YOU is sub-divided with a new man. Just because you love him does not mean the girls will."

This is not about what YOU think. You had children. They are you NUMBER ONE PRIORITY! You are divorced from their father and split the family up. Why should they want to get attached to another man you will get separated from, especially since you "waited" a whole 2 months after the divorce to introduce them.

Don't misinterpret politeness as acceptance for what is going on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mother of two:
<strong>[I have been seeing this gentleman for some time now - not just since divorce was final. Marriage was bad for several years. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would help more to know about the demise of your marriage as well as their current relationship with their father.

You have to remember one thing, their thoughts and feelings are not yours. True your marriage my have been bad for years, but it was what they knew and where their comfort zone was. I don't know where Gnome got the info listed above but they are definately valid questions.

Peering through the eyes of a child is totally different than looking through the colored glasses us adult wear.

So do the girls ever get a say in how many disruptions that their lives must bare. So far this man has a ton of strikes against him. The other thing to consider is that if they tone you out when you talk about him, it may be because they see talking to you about him is a wasted cause.

I really think you've got some serious issues to think about.

Bill

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>As pepperband said, "Wait. This is too fast. Your kids are not ready. What's your hurry? Let this evolve and unfold slowly. They have the right to be cautious. They have been disrupted by divorce, and now their time with YOU is sub-divided with a new man. Just because you love him does not mean the girls will."

This is not about what YOU think. You had children. They are you NUMBER ONE PRIORITY! You are divorced from their father and split the family up. Why should they want to get attached to another man you will get separated from, especially since you "waited" a whole 2 months after the divorce to introduce them.

Don't misinterpret politeness as acceptance for what is going on.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't appreciate yourharsh remarks as you don't know the whole story. I have devoted my entire life to my girls unlike their father who did not. For all you know I could have been in a very abusive situation at home..... I chose to not reveal all of the details of (why) I divorced and what brought my relationship on with this new man. I didn't think I would be so abused by remarks on this site. I was looking for advice from others who may have been in similar situations. Obviously this site is for people who do t think divorce is a good idea - not matter the reason. I will not post any more questions. JEEZ.

"They clam up and tone out. They don't want to talk about it."

Could the girls have learned that you do not accept opposing opinions very easily, and it is easier for them to hide their feelings?

Here on this site, you got opposing opinions that were not disrespectful, just forceful, and you are ready to hit and run.

Be open to what your girls have to say .... if they tell you they don't like your boyfriend enough to live with him .... what reward will they get for their honesty? Will you thank them for their honesty and integrity? Will you honor their feelings, and hold off while they grieve and heal on their own time?

Wow.....don't you think this summer might be a little fast for marriage for you too? I mean, you just got divorced!

In some ways your situation paralells mine....

I got to know a guy as a friend in July....as friends we took the kids fishing in Sept....by November our relationship was getting romantic, but we did not act affectionate around the kids. Recently the kids saw us holding hands and yes, there was a reaction.....not necessarily bad, but they have just had a big change in the last year, their first fear was that he would be their dad, that their lives would change again. I spent alot of time listening to them and have told them I won'd consider marrying anyone for at least a year....altho my friend says he wants to get married someday, he understands my concerns and is willing to wait.

I'd highly recommend that you put off marriage till summer 2004....give you time to get to know this guy better, give your kids more time to heal and adjust. If your boyfriend really loves you and wants to be a family, I'm sure he'll be understanding and wait a year. And if he won't wait, you might ask him why he's pressuring you so much......and why you need to marry him to keep him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mother of two:
<strong>[I was looking for advice from others who may have been in similar situations. Obviously this site is for people who do t think divorce is a good idea - not matter the reason. I will not post any more questions. JEEZ.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a point of clarification, this site is full of people who have experienced all kinds of situations. But more importantly for you, it's full of people who have been through divorce and seen it's effects on the children. And what you are calling "abuse" on this site, we are dealing with in "reality". Just because you didn't hear what you wanted shouldn't mean that your discount the points of view.

If you thought that there would be an easy solve all answer for you situation, then obviously, you will be disappointed. From the outside, and possibly to your girls, it appears that things are moving too fast. Their lives have been totally disrupted by their parents.

That you choose not to reveal more, henders us, from offering more appropiate advise. As for me, I watched as my X introduced my girls to OM#1 and I saw their relationship with their mother start to deminish. I watched my X introduce my girls to OM#2, and force him into their lives, and today I watch as their relationship with her grows more resentful. I've listened to countless pleas from my girls asking their mom to pick them over the man.

So whatever you choose to do, just remember one thing about children "perception is reality".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mother of two:
<strong>My girls may very well think he is the reason for the destruction of the marriage, even though he was not. Think I should ask them?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is important for them to be able to discuss this, along with any other concerns or questions they may have about how their lives have been and are going to be impacted. That's why it can be helpful to get a counselor involved, since people are often willing to broach subjects within that environment that they don't feel safe doing otherwise.

Inevitably, your girls have a bewildering array of anxieties to contend with, and the "strikes against him" that your boyfriend has are not necessarily of his or your making. The situation may not be - is not - fair, but anyone who thinks that life is fair is only fooling themselves.

Your children are acting normal. its hardest on children who go through D around the teenage yrs. they are dealing with so many things at this age. then D come along. my son Dr. said that all children want their parents back together. My son would tell me its ok to date because dad has someone. But he told the Dr. a different story. NO, he didnt want me to date, he feels like I will walk out on him like dad did. Our son wants nothing to do with OW he feels she broke up our home. They may see this man as the reason you wont go back to dad. He may be a nice guy, but to them he is standing in the way of dad coming home. I could never take my X back, talked with son about dad, he understands why Dad cant come home. But I know my day will come when I do start dating & know son will be upset. Give your kids more time with this guy. take it slowly, talk with them & listen to what they are saying. I would start out taking the kids to movies or whatever they wanted to do & include your boyfriend.

m-17 1/2 yrs.
me-48, x43
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02

ow-32
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs
d-7-02

I don't appreciate yourharsh remarks as you don't know the whole story. I have devoted my entire life to my girls unlike their father who did not.
I was NOT placing blame for the divorce on anyone. The point is, THEY didn't ask for it. It was FORCED on them by you and your ex. And now you want them to be happy and accepting because their mother wants to distance them & herself more from their father.

Try to look at it from THEIR point of view.

I didn't think I would be so abused by remarks on this site.
I didn't either and I can't see where you were even remotely abused. The truth hurts sometimes whether you like it or not.

I will not post any more questions.
Why?

My girls may very well think he is the reason for the destruction of the marriage, even though he was not. Think I should ask them?
Why would they think that? No, you shouldn't ask them.

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

My opinion is it is WAY too fast to get in a new relationship. I have been there, believe me. This is coming from someone who lived it. I was divorced from my first husband for 5 mo, when i met my 2nd husband. My kids were 10 and 12, and having a difficult time adjusting to the divorce. No matter how bad things are with their parents, they would still rather see their parents stay together, and that age is a rough age. My two older children couldn't accept us dating anyone, let alone bringing someone around permanently. Back then, i believe that my thoughts were mostly just what "I" wanted, not even thinking about their feelings. My 2nd husband moved in with me after 3 mo of dating him. It was only 9 mo after my divorce from my first husband. I had lots of trouble with my kids, and if i would have listened, i wouldn't have got into the mess with my 2nd husband (Now ex, thanks goodness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I have two boys from my second marriage, ages 10 and 11, and have been divorced for 18 months from him. I would not even consider dating anyone and bringing them around these boys. Their dad is in a serious relationship and it bothers them terribly. I made mistakes with my first two children, jumping into something and not considering their feelings, i will never do that to these two. They are the most precious thing in my life, and i apoligize over and over again to my grown children, for not listening.
That is my 2 cents!!

Hi!

My situation was a little similar to yours. But, I was divorced for 2 years before I started dating my new husband. My children met them very shortly after I met him, he moved in very quickly and we married 4 months after meeting. Yes, it was quick. Are there any problems? Sure. Not too many though. My oldest son has had the hardest time. He insisted that my new H was going to beat on me the way his father did. He's still not completely trusting yet, although he's never witnessed any harsh words coming from my new H. (he's not a man who argues or gets loud. My sons guidance couselor is talking to him about all of this and it is helping. I can see him being more comfortable with things.

There can be problems when the kids aren't accepting, but it can work out. You just need to make sure that you get some kind of couseling for the kids. They don't always want to talk to the parents about these things.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />