I am venturing into a new world.... and found this article.... in case anyone else is interested. It is things to think about when dating with kids (and thinking of eventual re-marriage), or dating someone who has kids.

the article - ->
http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view.php/id/29

the web-site - -> http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/home.php

I have no kids, and am currently dating a widower with 2 kids (ages 12 and 14), and venturing into a whole new world. Yes, some of our issues are that it is probably too soon for both of us, but we are venturing cautiously into this experience.

If anyone else knows of other web-sites for support in building step-families, or specifically issues in dating someone who lost a spouse, please share them here.

I'm not quite to the point of wanting to post about specific issues and questions here, but was interested if anyone knew of other resources.

Special thanks to SING for the link to successfulstepfamilies.com. I found that in an old thread.

Thanks all! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've been thinking about the article you posted the link to all day Faith. Yes I have!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And all I can think about is how it suggests waiting 2 to 3 yrs AFTER the D before dating again.

I'm having issues with that idea.

IMO, those of us on MB, don't necessarily fall into that category. I believe that we are few in number (on the whole of D'd folks) who really know why it all happened. We have worked hard, to improve ourselves, and to better understand our situations, and how to NOT repeat those behaviours. Most D'd folks don't have the Harley wisdom to help them through it all, and in that respect, they probably do need that extra time.

For those of us who are BS's (as I cannot speak for WS's), many of us were told that our M's were over, and that there was no going back. Some of us were fortunate enough to give it a try with our WS before ending up in D (such as myself), and others not so fortunate. However, all of us, have had the understanding from day 1 of MBing, that we were going to try to give the best chance possible to save our M's. And in the process, we would become better, stronger, healthier, and wiser individuals.

My thoughts are, that if we have been able to find peace with the outcome of D (like you and I have), then THAT is the goal to acheive...not some 2 or 3 yr timeline that someone else suggests.

Any thoughts? Anyone out there either agree or disagree with me?

Karen

Karen,

Ditto. When we are done, i.e. Dv, we are really ready the next day. Most of us just waiting for the legality and morality of it. When Plan A/B was done properly, there is no more love left for WS by the end of plan B. Most of Dv lingers longer than the end of plan B anyway.

The most important is that we take "4 gifts of love" and even educate out next mate about it. No but or if ... if they don't get it or if they don't want it ... show them the door. Safe yourself from your next 'coaster ride.

Actually, I even support BS to start before Dv in some cases. It just that BS has to be 1000% sure they don't want WS any more and ever !. I have to pettition to change my status to Dv-man even financial part of it still in the air since she wants more $$$. I pettitioned it right after the CA law permitted me (6 months + 1 days from the date of I was served Dv by her). I would not waste another day to start looking for my princess. I know I could make a lady happy but my question is "could she make me happy ?". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Cheers ... -rh-

Funny thing, and I just wanted to add my little bit of issue. I guess that I have wondered whether there is a 'right time' to start dating again after divorce. I have literally been asked out about 10 times in the last 4 months or so. And I am a man, NOT LOOKING currently. Only a few have I actually considered, not because of the fact that the others were not possible, but because I know the 3 women that have asked me that I actually considered. I have not gone on any dates at all, and have no plans on it until we have both signed.

I have brought up this subject with my counselor a couple times, and didn't get the anwer that I thought I would get, that is for sure. I asked her how long she thought I should wait after divorce to start dating again. She literally said, "I think that you should finish with the divorce, but then afterward, I have complete faith in you. I think that you have come so far so quickly, that I completely trust your judgement. More so than many people that are here 5 and 10 years later." Needless to say, I was taken aback. I had assumed that she would say 'wait a year or so', but no. She also said that she has never felt that a patient was ever in the position that I am in currently. She said that I have done about 2 or 3 years worth of work in the last year. And that she doesn't condone artificial timelines like 'wait a year'. She said that most often, she cousels her patients to wait more than a year, even up to 2. But she said that is because of the healing and growth that they need before they begin again.

Well, I was sort of shocked, and actually quite worried. Because here I am now, with nothing to hold me back when ever this divorce is final. My friends have been trying to set me up for the last few months. I just politely tell them 'no thanks.' I explain to them, time and again, that I am still married, regardless of whether it really means anything to my wife. I have several opportunities, in phone numbers stuck to the inside of my cabinet door. I have absolutely NOT tried to put myself in the position to be tempted, and thank goodness for that. Because there have been a few times that had the right woman come along, I would have been hard pressed to avoid relenting.

But I guess my feeling is actually that I might just be ready to go out to dinner with a woman. I miss the one on one company so much, I never realized just how much I enjoyed it before. And now, I have a whole new outlook on the whole thing. I just want to be safe. I am such a weak man I can hardly stand myself sometimes. I am so strong in some ways, and so weak in others. Being married allowed me to not have to think about them, but now that I am 'free' I have to police myself rather than rely on circumstances to do it for me. I would never have even thought about sleeping with another. Now to my shame, I am worried that I might think about it too much.

I hope and pray that I will have strength. As much as I want to be strong, a little part of me wants to fail. And that part of me I can't abide, but I can't seem to shake either. Haha, oh to have my problems... I am sure that if all the world had to think about was my life, that we would be eating bon bons in front of the fire 24/7.

But for dating, I think I am ready. I really do. I hope that I am not stupid. I pray that I will be strong. I hope that I will not press my past on them, but I do not feel the need to explain, but I will should they desire. I know exactly what I want in a wife. But I wonder if she is truly out there. But God knows where she is, and if he wants me to find her, he will set her in my path or me in her's.

Once, a while ago, someone replied to a post of mine... She said... 'Somewhere God is working on a wonderful woman for you. She is out there being prepared for your meeting, just like you are here being prepared for her. You might meet many before you meet her, but know that if you have faith, love, and strength of character, that you will find each other. And what a lovely thing you will have together.' I truly believe this, I truly, truly do.

I can't wait to take her to the top of my mountain. Hopefully she will appreciate it and what it really means to me. It feels somewhat dirty now, because it is where I proposed to my ex, but even she cannot degrade the beauty of my mountain. I will buy that mountain top some day. Hopefully soon. It is one of my first goals.