Hi I have not posted here for a long time. I would like to present my situation and any comments are welcome. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We are in our 50's/ Sex has always been a problem. He definitely seems to have an aversion. I sshould have known it would lead to difficulties but because sometimes he would overcome it and things would be more normal, I held on. We have had some very good times sexually, but few and far between. As I look back I am now wondering what those times were all about for him. When we discuss it he says he is not interested and withdraws like a child. When I ask him what about the times when it is good He says he doesn't understand that. Anyway the problem now is..... He is ALWAYS and always has been affectionate. I don't like the affection anymore, what's it all about if there is a wall and a point I can't ever cross over. When I don't return the affection he gets angry. For a few years the affection was fine, then I got to where I quit giving that so much and now I don't respond much to his huggys and pecks and he doesn't like it and it is pulling as apart in all sorts of ways.<BR>Thanks for listening.<BR>didi

didi,<P>Given his age, he could be having problems with the plumbing and is very embaressed about it. If he is on medication of any sort that can kill off the desire. Certainly if you are withdrawing from him in the affection area, that will kill it.<P>Have you explored the idea that he loves you, likes affection, but may not be able to perform? If not, I strongly recommend that you do.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks JL<BR>I don't know if plumbing is ok or not. Was ok last time. It's had to remember everything. There has been times when he has allowed me to caress him (very few) he will get an erection but still turn away. He doesn't seem embarrased about anything. pulling the curtin and wanting a smooch when I am in the shower is normal for him. It's when I turn towards him that he ignores me. As long as he is doing the affection ITS AOK.<BR>But If I turn towards him, Its a no-no. I have read things about power and control. He hasn't always been controling with me but he seems to be getting worse about it. Not that I am an easily controled woman. But that's confusing too. He is usually fun to be with. I don't really understand the controlling part. It's like his youngest kid whom he adored but CONTROLLED is now married and gone to the other side of the country so now he has no one to control So let's try to control me. I know, I know , it sounds like psycho babel.<BR>Di

oh boy, I understand what you're saying<P>and it's true...all the romance and affection seems more hurtful than helpful when you know (after many years experience with him) that there will either be no sex or premature ejaculation or some other dissatisfying outcome.<P>for me, I'm only trying to protect myself when I don't want affection. It really hurts a lot to get worked up or feel physical toward the person you love, only to eventually feel rejected.<P>I still don't have the answer. I do give affection, it is important. But lack of sex and Pre. Ej. is making me sad and angry. When I stopped feeling like giving affection, he had an affair (one without sex, but very emotional)<P>I wonder if it's a physical problem, if not being circumcised adds to the problem, if he's gay, if he has psychological issues about sex...but he lies to the counselor about our sex...so I haven't answers. The marriage may have to be one without sex. You/I have to decide if that's acceptable.

Vira,<BR>I haven't been on here for a while and noticed your post and then your response to mine.<P>I know what you mean, about personality. My H and I were in Fl to visit his relatives last week. Things were goin on as normal. Mutual closeness but no sex or much affection but hand holding etc. at one time his cousin and her H. had a spat and my hubby said latter boy I know how good I got it when I see others. I said 1 thing during the whole week about not sleeping together when we get home.. Kindof a joke I say occaisinally may 1 time a month or so. Kindof an outlet for the no sex. He didn't get mad about it and never has. Rest of week went fine the last nite on the road in a hotel when we got ready to go to bed he said "don't go to sleep and leave the tv on" The he was snoring and I have the wide awakes so I watch a couple of movies with the sound real low. I was about ready to go to sleep when I happened on one of those sexy channels. We don't have that at home (not interested) but here it was so I was watching for a min or 2 he woke up I said don't watch. he said why are you? I said cause it's fun. He flipped the TV off, never spoke to me again on a 4 hour trip home and that was last Sunday and hasn't spoke to me since. He made me get out of bed after we got home and said real mean "You said you were sleeping in the other bed and that is what you are going to do" To say the least I am in my "Desiginated area" (ha!) that is what I tell my friends and have been the rest of the week (6 nites) and we haven't spoken since. I leave before he gets up of a AM normally he is up fixing my coffee etc. I give him a kiss peck on the temple and tell him I love him before I leave but otherwise no communication what so ever. Can you believe this. There was not even a fight over anything and a pretty neat week in Fl otherwise.<BR>didi

and the point is that it hurts, for your spouse not to want to have sex with you...whether it's because of a physical or an emotional problem, it still feels like rejection. And rejection can only be endured for so long. And it doesn't matter how much I love him. Loving him is going to mean I want to have sex with him. Maybe feeling less love makes not having sex a bit easier to take, but that has problems of it's own. ya, know?<P>so, how much of this can I take? There are marriages without sex. I just didn't want one of them. I don't want to divorce my husband because of it. But it has a very negative affect on how I feel, my energy level, my feelings of respect toward him.<P>I used to think, watching old movies, that it was strange to see how much importance they put on people for 'being responsible' and 'doing their duty' for their spouse sexually...I even found out that if you're in an accident and you can't perform sexually, that you can file charges against the person who hit you because it puts your marriage at risk, some people even get money from the insurance company because of it. I think I understand now. And we're just talking about a few weeks or months without sex - not years. Yikes.<P>

Didi,<P>What you described in your posts about your husband's behavior may be revealing of his problems. You mentioned his lack of affection, his reversion to child-like talk when you try to discuss sex, his aversion to your sexual advances, the tension at the family visit, and his anger over the adult video.<P>All of these "symptoms" suggest that your husband may be a survivor of child sexual abuse. Do you have any reason to suspect your husband had an abusive childhood? He may not want to talk about it, he may not even remember it consciously.<P>If this is the case, then your husband will need professional help dealing with it. You can call your local rape crisis center for information about getting help for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. I recommend the crisis center as they tend to have the contacts with the social workers who have the proper training in treating adult survivors. Or, you could talk to your doctor.<P>You need to get help for yourself to cope with the stress and to learn to understand what you can do to help your husband. Follow this link to a good book for partners: <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/107-3422154-2228569" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/107-3422154-2228569</A> <P>Please don't dismiss this idea out of hand. It's a lot more common than most people imagine. If it is true, your husband will need your support, but he will find it hard to trust you if you pressure him for sex. So for a while you may have to accept celibacy. This is important for him to gain the trust in you he needs to open up. <P>Please keep in touch,<BR>Good luck and God bless.<BR>

Kenneth,<BR>Thanks for your response. Things are a bit better. I know know that he is exibiting a jealousy side that I have never seen before. He said the reason he got mad was; at the hotel he woke up and was listening to the TV for a bit and the subject matter was about having affairs thenn he looked up to the TV and that is when I covered his face and said don't look. He thought I was interested in the affairs part and I wasn't even listening to the dialog and didn't know that is what they were talking about. Now since we have made up he has mentioned again that he doesn't want me going out on him. That is not an option for me, I love him. But now I realize that he is disturbed also about the 'no sex' But we rarely discuss it anymore. Because I have given up. \\As far as child abuse. I know his mother doted on him and ignored his father but that is about all I know. Other things I have read says he could have been in a relationship where his mother was to overprotective and perhaps a peculiar relationship submerged with her. Now he has trouble having a sexual relationship with the woman in his life whom he loves.<P>Don't know--Day at a time I guess. overall the relationship is good I just miss the intimacy. and I don't know if I mentioned we have been intimate at times and all was well. but it is rare and it's like at times 'whatever' it is he is able to overcome.<BR>Thanks again<BR>didi<P>