See more recent posts.<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

Hi, Cantletgo.<P>You sound like you're in a world of hurt. You've been hurting for a long time, too, haven't you? You have my complete sympathy. <P>I'm in a tough marital situation, myself, and I understand why you'd want to hold on to this relationship, especially if you get clues like "Oh, you DO care." You must be a very strong woman to have held on for this long.<P>If the behavior you're describing is strictly recent behavior, I'd say, "Read every word you can find of Dr. Harley's." This doesn't sound short-term, though. It sounds long term. Good people wouldn't treat worms the way he treats you. I think he sounds like he has some pretty serious problems and needs counseling. Frankly, he sounds like some of the abusers I used to meet when I worked for a domestic violence program, only he doesn't seem to go through the charming and apologetic phases. He also sounds very, very manipulative. Threatening to commit suicide (and notice it would, according to him, be all your fault) is a classic manipulative act; it works well because who dares to take the chance that he's bluffing? (He may not be.) <P>This guy sounds dangerous. If I were you, I'd quietly get out of there, pronto. I know, you love him dearly, but "Cant", he isn't capable of either giving or receiving love at this point. He isn't going to listen to you. You could avoid every Love Buster in the book, fill up his love bank as best you could, and he's not going to listen to you. He may even try to harm you.<P>If he won't go to counseling, GO BY YOURSELF! Your self-image must surely have taken a beating. Counseling could help you evaluate what to do next, too, though I do think you'd be safer and better off separating. <P>I know this is very tough advice I'm giving you, but I'd hate for anything to happen to you. You sound like you have a whole lot to offer. You definitely deserve better.<P>Can anyone else out there offer further advice?<P>Take care. You'll be in my prayers. Please keep posting.<P>Belle

cantletgo:<P>Please, repeat these words: "My husband's behavior is not about me. I do not deserve this treatment. I will not take his words or actions personally." Repeat them as long as you have to. Until you finally believe.<P>Your H sounds as though he is verbally abusive. Okay, I won't mince words: if he indeed said those things to you, he is a verbal abuser. If you can, pick up a book by Patricia Evan's called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." It will explain why verbal abusers abuse, and why it is literally impossible to reach them until they get help. The books will also give you some good strategies to get yourself out of the verbally abusive situation.<P>Next time your H is verbally abusing you, try these phrases:<P>"Stop it!" (Evans says that this works the best, and I've found it effective)<BR>"Stop that kind of talk right now."<BR>"Cut it out!"<BR>"Hold it!"<BR>"I don't appreciate that kind of talk!"<P>If he gets out of control and won't stop, you *must* leave, even if it means getting out of bed at midnight and driving to a friend's house or to a hotel or even sleeping in the car. *YOU* must set boundaries and keep up those boundaries. It will take some practice, but for those of us who have been in this situation, learning the skills necessary to combat verbal abuse are necessary.<P>You might want to really think about whom to confide in, with respect to friends. If your H puts up a good front in front of the neighbors or family or friends, it's highly unlikely that they will believe that this "calm, caring" husband treats you this way. Join a support group for battered women, or get individual counseling. But don't hold it inside, hon ... if you do, he will win ... and you *will* eventually become convinced that you are everything that he says. And I assure you, you are not. Okay? Okay!<P>And finally, please take care of yourself. Do something for yourself - anything that makes you happy. Buy yourself a new dress, a book from the drugstore, or a new bottle of perfume. Buy yourself flowers. Treat yourself the way you want and deserve to be treated, hon. Because this man is not in a place where he is able to treat you properly. You are the only person that matters now - take care of the most important person in your life: you.<P>((hugs and prayers to you))<P>belldandy

X<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

BellDandy's advice is terrific. I hope you'll take her up on it. (If you're not ready for buying yourself something, nurture youself in other ways.)<P>Some people assume that if a marriage is faltering, both people must be at fault. Of course, that's ridiculous. It may be the viewpoint your doctor was taking, though. My experience has been that some MD's know a lot more about psyuchological issues than others. Also, some people mistakenly believe that if both partners share the blame, the marriage is more fixable.<P>I urge you again to seek counseling for your own sake. Counseling will not tell you who's the villain in this piece (which may be what your hubby is afraid of), but it will help you to heal yourself. His EA, if that's what it is, must be very painful for you. Counseling could help you find the strength and wisdom to deal with it. <P>Here are some suggestions for finding counselors. First, if you have a domestic violence program in your area, try calling them and asking for recommendations. The call is anonymous, and they'll know of counselors experienced in just the sort of ordeal you're going through. You can also call your local mental health agency and ask who in the area specializes in helping couples via a marriage-preserving approach. You might even try calling one of the more liberal Christian churches in your area, as they're likely to recommend counselors who aren't "too religious."<P>Blessings upon you for seeing the essential self in your husband. You love him at a very deep level. It's hard when he doesn't appreciate how lucky he is. I think you're taking the right steps in seeking help. You should still be prepared to leave, though, if he threatens you with physical harm or seems out of control. <P>Good luck, and keep posting.<P>Belle<P>