Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#750743 05/22/03 12:22 AM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
as in me, the lunatic...

Okay, here’s a bunch of venting/mumbling…

Went to graduation yesterday. The ex was there. I said, “hi” to the in-laws and SIL.

I was polite. I responded to her when it was directed at me. I didn’t ask her anything. Didn’t even look at her except for just a few glances. She asked if I knew where the bathrooms were and I said no. A bit later she told me the number of the section we were in so I could call my sister & let her know where we were.

After the ceremony, we went out front and took a few pix. Thankfully no one said, “Hey, how about one with all of you” (me, ex & 2 daughters). Ex did say for me & daughters to get together for a picture and she took one.

So the plan was for her, her sister & my daughters to go out (miniature golf & dinner or whatever). My sister didn’t want to stick around all day so I told her we could go to Denny’s for awhile and wait for rush our to clear up. All of a sudden we were all going to go out for dinner.

My sister decided to take off (not because of ex, but she lives about 75 miles away.) In-laws left to go on a trip.

My oldest asked if I wanted to go or not, thinking I might feel left out. I explained that the plan was for them to go with mom & I was simply letting them. It wasn’t a matter of me avoiding ex or not.

I told them to go on but we all ended up going out to Chili’s. (Chicken sandwich is H U G E!)

Again, I was polite but didn’t have anything to say (or really want to say) to ex.

So after dinner I left, they went to her hotel & talked & watched telly. Mom said that she knows she hasn’t been a good mom to them.

They came home at 8:45. My youngest (12) asks how come I was ignoring mom.

So we talked about it. I explained I was not rude or impolite but I had nothing to say to her. I told her I had no respect for her and what she has done. She left me, fine. But she left the kids too and has had no contact in the last 16 months and very little for the entire time she has been gone.

Then she asks me why I still have some wine glasses we got for our wedding if I don’t respect her.

I explained that just because I don’t now doesn’t mean I didn’t then. She was the most important thing to me for 20 years and her leaving doesn’t make that time any less than it was.

Talked a bit about what a relationship is and should be.

People have feelings and make decisions, good or bad, screw up sometimes & are afraid to face what they have done. Also, we are not always perfect and sometimes we do things even f we know it is not the right thing to do. This was not directed at mom but for everyone in general. Me, her, her sister, her mom, everyone does this.

She said mom was going to pick them up this morning for breakfast at 7:30. She said she didn’t want to go because it was too early. When we first found out my ex was going to show up I asked her if she wanted to go out with her. I told her if she were uncomfortable about it, I would be the “bad guy” and tell mom she couldn’t go with her.

So mom calls about 9:45 last night and she tells her that I wouldn’t let her go because it was too early. Her mom said she understood. I think ex really did understand it wasn’t me.

The ex was here Jan of last year. Right after she left, my youngest got up, came into the kitchen where I was, hugged me & started bawling like a baby. At the time, she said it was, “because my legs hurt”. She had been sitting in the same position playing video games for 5+ hours with mom watching. I believe it was because mom left her, again. I think she didn’t want to go this morning because mom would leave “again”.

So how do I feel about all this? Well it sucks. I said before that most of you were “lucky” in that you got to at least scream, yell, fight, cry, talk etc. with your spouses. I still feel the same way. I never got much of a chance to do that.

#750744 05/22/03 12:37 AM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,398
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,398
Way to go Chris....Im the same way with my EX. My son graduated from kindergarten this past friday and my EX and her whole family sat with me. I hardly ever look her way, and I dont speak unless asked a question either. I really have nothing to say......period. Its not that Im being vindictive, I just really dont know what to say. Also, when she even stands close to me I feel funny. I usually back away, without really noticing it. I guess its just and involuntary reaction to not really loving her any more. Oh well, the graduation was nice, and my fiance was by my side. My EX actually thinks my fiance is a nice lady.....which she is. Props on handling that situation great Chris. Have a blessed day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#750745 05/21/03 01:03 PM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 617
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 617
Chris,
You are far from a lunatic. I can't imagine anyone handling that situation with any more grace and class than you did.

I don't know what to say about "getting over" how much it sucks. You never really got a chance to get mad did you? And I'm sure you've tried all the usual tricks such as writing out a letter you don't send, etc.

For me, since my ex moved to another state and I interact with him only rarely, I also found that my "feigned indifference" lingered, and it was difficult to achieve a cathartic closure. On the few instances when I did see him I was more concerned with protecting myself emotionally than expressing anger. I started journaling though, and it seemed to help - everyday, without any self censorship - until finally I felt truly indifferent....and just didn't need to do it anymore.

You have my greatest respect and best wishes,
Starpony

#750746 05/21/03 07:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 61
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 61
Chris~I've read many of your posts and YOU are not a lunatic. You're going through a tough transition. However, the sooner you move through the transition, the better it is for your children.

I've been divorced from my x for 13 years. We've had a multitude of children's milestones that we've shared and it's really the kids who most benefit from the "comfortable" atmosphere. I remember my youngest saying, "Wow...you'd never know you guys were divorced." And just to be completely honest, I cannot stand my x. He married the ow he left me for, but, I consider that to be a blessing and I behave accordingly.

My DH, of 12 years, and I have entertained my x and his wife in our home, and even done many restaurant meals together (with the kids). The one thing WE all have in common is the love for our children, so we talk about them. It wasn't always easy...but, it does get easier and it keeps the kids from feeling the "stress" when their important occasions arrive. They are all adults now, but, it's as important now as it was when they were younger. Well, it's probably more important now, because it's not as easy to fool them.

Good luck to you Chris.

#750747 05/21/03 08:22 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 369
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 369
Hi Chris! You are NOT a lunatic, you have moved on with a very ADULT attitude about this whole thing and you acted like the adult you are with very mature actions.
Keep the faith, my friend.
Harold

#750748 05/21/03 08:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 67
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 67
I don't think you are a lunatic either.

I can't speak to my H, or look at him.
I really don't even acknowledge him when he speaks to me. He has shown me no respect with the affairs he has had.

To BeenThereMyself,
I laughed out loud at what you said you consider his marriage a blessing, and treat it accordingly.
That really hit me as funny. I Loved It!
Teach me the ways! I would love to be totally cold to H and his sl--.

I think as long as we don't lose our heads, we all have to deal with our moments together in our own way. What is good for one of us, may not work fo the other.

KEB

#750749 05/21/03 10:32 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
N
NSR Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,406
Chris,

I've been there.

Know that I understand you have already forgiven your xW. I understand, because I stand in the same place you are at.

You know, in a few days... or less, their mom will leave...
...and then it will again be you and the girls.

You will be the rock they stand on, and not their mom.

You will be the model they will look to in the future, and not their mom.

You will be who they rely on when times are critical, and not their mom.

The burden will be yours. But, you'll never want it any other way!

I've come to learn, about my xW, as you have with yours... that you can forgive all you want...
...and until they understand they must forgive themselves first... and act on your forgiveness...
...no movement of growth can ever happen.
...no 'fake' communication makes sense.

We can't change others...
...we can only hope...
...pray...
...that the Spirit will truly move them.

It may happen, it may not.

But we can't stand still...
...we have children to raise...
...morals to uphold...
...lives to be formed.

You're doing a great job with the girls.

Enjoy the time they are with you...
...for that time is oh so fleeting.

God Bless.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

#750750 05/21/03 10:44 PM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3,467
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 3,467
Hi Chris,

No, not a raving lunatic...just a dad who is doing a great job raising and protecting his daughters.

I know how hard it is when the kids are hurting over their parent leaving them. My ex hasn't had any contact with the kids since a few days after Christmas. He only had minimal contact before that. He said at Christmas that he didn't care if he ever saw them again and my 10 year old heard him. It's so hard on the kids.

Your girls will understand all of this one day. Just keep taking care of them.

(((((HUGS)))))
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#750751 05/22/03 08:36 AM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
K
K Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 6,937
Lunatic?? We should all be so blessed to be as "crazy" as you.

You are doing a tremendous job dealing with your girls. You are their role model, their parent---and I'm sure that they will love you and appreciate you more each day, for the rest of their lives.

God bless you, Chris...


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5