i had an appt (this last tues) w/a highly recommended lawyer...i had the appt for 2.5 wks. he is very busy!!! anyway, this last friday i was served w/"kit" divorce papers. fill in the blank kind... so he filed against me. will i "lose" or look stupid since he filed against me.

it took me awhile to realize i had to file and made the appt w/this lawyer. i had met w/2 other lawyers who didnt impress me as much. anyway..any thoughts appreciated.

PS--while waiting for the first hearing for interim support where does visitation fall into this. there was no mention of it.

At your first hearing you should receive temporary orders for Child Support and Parenting Plan. It is recommended that y'all agree upon the temporary parenting plan but if you don't the judge will rule. By looking at your sig line, I'm inclined to believe that he'd order the typical every other weekend and 1 nite a week.

When you meet with your attourney, he/she should be able to tell you more about the judge's tendencies. I don't believe you stated when your 1st hearing was but you need to get to your atty ASAP, if you are filing any motions, they may be required to be filed so many days in advance (in my case all our motions had to be filed 10 days in advance). I'm quite sure you'll want to file for back CS if he's provided no support.

my attorney is filing for a hearing for interim support.

parenting plan...what do is ask for?>>

kuljey-

Don't worry about looking stupid in front of the judge or magistrate. However, one thing I learned from my lawyer was that you are in a much better position if you file before your spouse. It is better to be on the offense than the defense. That said, I believe it probably still depends a great deal on the situation. If my STBXW had filed first, she would not have had any of the conventional reasons as grounds for Dv. She's the one that admitted to three affairs and 'mishandling' in a sense, the family's money.

The parenting plan should include whom, if either parent, is going to be considered the primary residential parent. What address are the kids going to call home? They still need something like that even if they are going to be splitting time with parents 50/50. In addition, you need to propose visitation schedules and it would be good to add that it is in the best interest of the children that the parents work together to decide issues related to medical care, school activities, and other things the kids would be might be interested in or involved in (i.e. music lessons, sports, 4-H, etc.). Also, who is going to have contact with teachers, doctors and other health professionals? Who is going to claim the kids as dependents on tax documents? What about vacation time? How much notice is given to the other parent before extended times away from the other parent. What about daycare or sitting for the kids? Who will do that? In my case, I proposed that each parent first consult with the other if they are available to watch the children before arranging for a third-party to be involved. Yes, you have things you need to consider but that is something you lawyer knows about.

Something else you might consider, when I originally filed, I asked that the court to order 'Marital Reconciliation' counseling to see if there was any chance that recovery was possible between my STBXW and I. The judge granted this order for a period of 60 days and then I asked for and was granted another 60 days because I saw signs of hope (that were dashed long before the last 60 days were completed).

One thing that surprised me that my lawyer told me, among many things, was that the courts in our state only consider the parenting plans and other arrangements submitted to them by each parent. The courts here anyway, do not create their own visitation schedules, etc. There are standards of course that most lawyers recognize such as sharing of holidays, vacations, etc. Nor do the courts act on their own to talk with the children. It is up to each parent to submit a plan for the court to consider if they can not agree on a plan between themselves. It is up to either parent to request that the court talk with the kids, if so desired, to help determine living arrangements. The court then listens to the testimony and decides which plan is in the best interest of the children. Remember, that is their primary motivation when kids are involved, the best interest of the children.

BTW, I think it is good that you found an attorney that you were comfortable with. I also interviewed three before chosing the one I have representing me. So far, she's been right on target with everything.

Good luck.

HoFS

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HofFenceSitter:
<strong>kuljey-

However, one thing I learned from my lawyer was that you are in a much better position if you file before your spouse. It is better to be on the offense than the defense. That said, I believe it probably still depends a great deal on the situation.
HoFS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didnt get to file first...he beat me to it. my lawyer said he feels guilty. he has been doing this 30 yrs now and feels that i am the innocent one in this.

so w/him filing first you think its not good...? on man!

ok, visitation, my oldest DOES NOT want to be around him, fear of yelling and hitting. (he used to yell quite a bit--almost every other sentance, and hit me and the little one alot.) she said she would run away--she is his daughter from a previous marraige. she is 11. how do i protect them...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kuljey:
[QB..... how do i protect them...[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry to hear this. What I proposed to the courts was a psychological evaluation to help evaluate child custody issues. The court ordered psychologist saw each family member individually and put us through a battery of tests and questions (IQ, ink blot, MMPI, etc.). He also evaluated the interaction of each parent with the children in a 30 minute group session. Weird, to have someone watch you and take notes while you are playing with your kids. Anyway, it was pricey, about $2800 (but the court ordered my STBXW to pay for half) but it was well worth it in my case. The psychologist, who by the way was trained and certified to conduct such an evaluation, found that it would be in the best interest of my children if they lived in the existing home with me and that they had scheduled visitation with their mother. My lawyer said that this was the best money I ever spent from her standpoint because it just might get me off the hook of paying child support since the kids will be living in my residence. However, I saw this as more of a confirmation that there is a problem with my STBXW's judgement and behavior. In the 18-page report the psychologist produced, his results found that my STBXW scored very low when it came to the evaluation of parenting skills.

That being said, I know my boys need their mother. I am not trying to take them away from her, as she contends. Your H's daughter needs her father and you will not be able to deny some form of visitation. She is not old enough yet to make such a decision. However, the court could order supervised visits which would help protect your child.

A good lawyer knows all of this. You just need to let them know everything and what your priorities are, like looking out for the children. At this point, it is not worth the energy worrying about who filed first.

HoFS

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

hi what I would do in the papers where they have probably put down irreconcilible difference.
you can let it be known he committed ADULTRY and is LIVING IN ADULTRY

stop worrying about who filed first..
most people that are in an affair do file first because they want out.

It all comes out in the papers as why IF you are not afraid to say that. otherwise it looks like you just did not get along anymore.

You can also let them know he is an abuser and they also will check that out and your lawyer can request a phycological evaluation on him.
then in turn he might also request one on him.

we had one done and actually it is good,
it lets you know all the gobbly [censored]
(to me I think it tells them who you are, and how you are. your personality it is pretty thorough
so you will know if he is narcissic and other personality disorders same for you I encourage you to do it.

It also will be able to tell what skills you have and if you are able to work or not..

anyway don't be afraid just let your lawyer guide you and know everytime you talk to your lawyer she charges you for every 15 minutes of time.
and for phone calls usually bill once a month,
ask her is there a way to have him pay since he is the one who filed.
trust your lawyer, actually you do not have to be in court for most of the things so ask her.
she represents you so ask her when you NEED to be there and when it is important for you to be there.as it only takes 5 or ten minutes normally to do what they do with a judge. I think if you go you will be shocked at how little time they spend. they hear whats in the paper and it is the judge who rules on all the different things and it is a back and forth thing.
take care and pray alot.
I will pray for peace and wisdom for you and your lawyer.
Remember don't let him rattele your cage.
try not to talk to him unless it is important till she gets temporary papers done about kids and spousal maintnance get back pay for house and utilities..etc. all he was responsible for before.
especially if you have no income tell her to hurry.
another thing tell him when you do talk don't tell him what you are going to do..remember from now on you are talking to the enemy be careful what you say to him.
also tell him you won't argue and to keep it to the point about the kids..anything else
TELL him talk to my attorney she is handeling it
that way u don't have to answer stupid stuff..
consider yourself separated now...zip your lips..
then your attorney will take care of it talk to her about what you need they don't care about the emotional things in court..so don't be a drama
queen for the judge..be specific.with your lawyer and honest..things will go well don't worry..this is the future for your children till they grow up so make sure she gets medical for them and dental.
they are his children. he needs to be held accountable to pay historically for bills. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
keep on keeping on

I don't know the laws in your state, but, in my state the ONLY benefit for filing first is being the one to set the timetable for things.

In my case, my x told me we were divorcing and that he had no interest in counseling or compromise. Still, when I went to see my attorney and told him that *I* didn't want to file, I wanted my cheating husband to file, the attorney advised me to file so we could set the timetable. If I wanted to slow things down, I could. If I wanted to speed them up, I could. Otherwise, I had no benefit because I filed first.

Good luck to you,
BTM