A week ago, my wife told me she wanted out--or rather a separation. It has gotten uglier from there. I am shocked, because even she said she appreciates all I do, but that she is just not happy. She's already taken off the wedding ring. I am seeking advice, reading books; but others are counseling me, stop, get out of the way, and let the Holy Spirit work. I feel like if I don't do something I may damage it worse. Please help. Do I continue to try and "fix" it as most men's thoughts go toward when something is either about to break or is broken. Or do I wait for a miracle?

D.R.,

Welcome to MB!

I think you can find a lot of useful help here.

The first thing to do is read everything under the "concepts" link at the top of the page. There is quite a bit of it, and it may take a couple of hours - but is well worth the read.

Almost everybody here has been through something similar to what you are going through - and if nothing else, just knowing that can help alot. For me, it helped just to know that others were in a similar situation - and surviving.

If you want to get more specific advice, you need to tell us more about yourself and your marriage.

Do you have any children?
How long have you been married?
Is this the first marriage?
How old are you?
Does your wife work - or is she financially dependent on you?
Have there been any affairs?
Are any affairs suspected?
What's been going on in your marriage?

One thing I would advise right now is to avoid begging, pleading, crying etc. It rarely helps - and is the first thing that almost everybody does in such a situation.

Second, people here are going to tell you (I guess that's me), that often when a spouse makes such an announcement, they are in an ongoing affair and are preparing to leave you for the other person. That may not be true in your case, but you may need to do a little snooping - check the cell phone records, email logs etc.

And finally...

This is generally an annonymous forum. Anybody in the world can read it and some search engines even will "hit" on posts here. Most people post under a pseudonym or "screen name", to maintain their annonymity. While you are perfectly free to use your real name, you might consider whether there is anything you are likely to discuss here that you would not want all your friends and neighbors (and wife) to read. It's easy to change your screen name without even changing your login name. Just click on "my profile" and look around for that setting.

Welcome again.

-AD (a 40 something guy)

Dave,

You ARE at the RIGHT place! The more you ask here, the more you will get back - So get your keyboard out and get ready to type! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First relax...breathe...take a rest. KNOW that there is NO quick fix NOR is there ANYTHING you can say or do that will fix the situation. Re-read that sentence - NOTHING will have the immediate effect us men want.

Keep telling yourself that and you will save yourself a world of unhappiness, sadness and hopelessness. Now the good news: There is ALWAYS hope. Nothing is impossible with God on your side. BUT, that means you need to let Him run the show. Pray for discernment - knowing what "you" want to do and knowing what God wants "you" to do are often totally confused by people in your situation - I did my fair share of it during my separation. I felt like I had to write letters, send gifts, call her, go see her... and on and on... ONLY nothing worked and it seemed like the more I did, only drove her further away.

Go out and buy this book - Tough Love (by Dobson). It is a very good read. It helped me a lot when I went through everything. I only wish I had read it a lot sooner than I did.

Right now is a pivotal time in your marriage - you can either really drive it in the ground, or you can allow God to come into it and save it. For the next few days/weeks/months begin to focus on yourself - NOT in a selfish way, but rather in ways that will better you as a person - go to the gym more, get involved with your church more, go fishing, go golfing... Why? You need to keep active to take your mind off of things and to give your wife a rest. If you just focus on trying to save your marriage, you will only stress her out more and send her deeper into the fog.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying to give up hope! What I'm saying is that you need to look at this as a longterm battle, not something that can be won in a day/week/month... Unfortunately you are dealing with someone who has entered the fog, and the fog often takes time to lift (if it ever does at all).

There is a good chance this will be the beginning of the end for your marriage. I'm so sorry to have to say that. But you need to be prepared for that outcome. NOT legally or financiall or any of that - don't think about divorce right now. Don't listen to those who tell you to protect yourself and all that, right now. Right now start praying for strength, courage and wisdom. Pray for God and the Holy Spirit to work in both your life and in your wife's life. Pray and give it all up to Him.

Be strong, don't get clingy or wishy-washy. Many of us have - it is natural. Do your best to not succumb. Be as strong as you can to her (then lose it when you need to as long as she isn't around).

write your thoughts here... Post questions and you'll get some good advice. It might not always be the "right" advice for you though - that is where the discernment comes in... Give God some time and you may start to see some positive signs...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You will get through this... You really will...

God Bless,
Mike

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: SoTired2000 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoTired2000:
<strong>Go out and buy this book - Tough Love (by Dobson). It is a very good read. It helped me a lot when I went through everything. I only wish I had read it a lot sooner than I did.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The exact title is Love Must be Tough . I wholeheartedly agree that it is an easy read and very sensible and useful.

It is targeted at affair situations.

-AD

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Thanks for the correction! I gave my copy away a couple years ago so I have trouble remembering the name. But my situation was not based on any kind of affair, yet I still found the book very helpful if you read it for the philosophy behind it, not just the examples it uses. For instance the "caged bird" theory in which if you open the door and not hold on so tight, the wayward spouse may just stop and turn around long enough to see what they are leaving... Then their mindset goes from "how can I get out of this" to "do I really want to get out of this"...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
mike

Mike,

I agree that the "caged bird" concept was very helpful to me. It was very helpful to realize that as long as I was chasing my W, she would continue to run away. When I stopped calling her, she started calling me - even started just showing up unannounced. We were semi-separated for 18 months, but have been back living together in a new house for probably 8 months now. We still have huge problems, but at least we are sort-of together. Still, maybe I need to re-read that book myself!

-AD

For those in "shock" stage, I found it helpful to do books on tape. I could listen on my way to work, but couldn't really concentrate on reading at home, my mind would race.
The HN/HN book comes on tape and I highly suggest it. You'll find it on the site.
Good Luck, and you will find support here.