HELP

I may be doing something extremely stupid or very smart. I’m at the very end of my rope. My wife has been mentally ill for years now. She is bipolar with very severe physic problems. She hears voices, sees things that are not there, and cuts on herself. She needs help and she has been given 4 years of different drugs, 3 therapists, 6 physiatrist, pastor care (church) NAMI, AA group, and some more too.
She shows almost no affection for me. I love my wife dearly and I wish she could get better but, I my opinion she wants to be sick!
HELP
Should I file for divorce? Should I go on hoping that she might get better?

You can not make her well. I have a friend who cuts herself. She is Bipolar/ADD and maybe some more stuff. I have no advice, unfortunately.

I don't know how my friend's husband had put up with some of her behaviors but she had to get to the point where SHE wanted help in order to get well.

Has your wife been hospitalized for a complete and thorough evaluation? I really think that the right hospital setting can sometimes be beneficial.

The last thing I heard, my friend and her husband were doing pretty well.

In reality, I know a number of truly mentally ill people. The ones who want to get better and are willing to actively participate in psychiatric and psychological care can do well and live great lives. And the ones who want to be sick can remain sick.

mudhound,

I have dealt with some of these things with my W. She has cut herself a few times. She suspects that she is bipolar, but as far as I can tell it is more like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). It is really hard to deal with - like dealing with two people at the same time. I remember the clearest example of this - when one time, she was yelling insults at me and at the same time crying and begging me to help her stop. That opened my eyes (briefly) so that I was able to feel compassion for her.

I too have considered divorce, and have hung on the vows - "In sickness as in health".

I have some questions.

Do you have any children?

Does you wife have family or other support?

Is your W able to work?

Do you have family or friends who can give you support?

Looking foward to your reply,

-AD

I truly do love my wife. I also have conviction (sin) for my own thoughts of separating from her. Nineteen years is a long time to be faithful to one person. I only wish she could say the same thing.
Allow me to vent some. First, my wife is not only bipolar but also an alcoholic. She attends AA meetings and has been sober for one year now. That is a success! Also, our love life is severely affected be an affair she had around 3-5 years ago. She still cannot forgive herself for her actions. I have and rarely ever think about it. If I were just looking for a reason to put her away that would be the one. It’s the constant wear on my nerves from the depression that drives me up the wall. The mania’s are far and few but some times very sever. She shows nearly no affection for me and would rather sleep for 16 hours a day than go anywhere with me. I know that I’m not perfect but going to church, wal mart (exception mania’s), or to her own mothers house can’t be that hard.
She is pitiful in a lot of ways. She is unable to drive now, she can hardly count money, and other social skills have decreased over time.

Thanks for everyones input so far. I still can learn from you. THANKS!

mudhound,
Alas, I'm on my way out the door and won't be back til tuesday. I just wanted to let you know about 2ndfiddle's thread "chronic conditions/How they affect marriages" over in the Emotional Needs forum. I put some links there that you might find useful. Also, the people posting there are darlings and may be able to help you.

Take care.

mudhound,

How old is your W?

You say she doesn't drive now.
What happenend so that she stopped driving?

Does she have any symptoms of Parkinson's (tremors, stiffness, propensity to fall)?

-AD

My wife is 39 years old.
Other facts about us:
One son 16 years old
2 dogs
stable church life
middle to upper income
almost paid for house in the country
3 cars
she drove up untill her vision became blurred due to the meds
I attend her dr visits and therpy too
I've been a NAMI (nami.org) member for 2 years
Reg prayer life
Over all a very normal fam!

Hi MudHound! I'm sorry to hear your wife is BiPolar. So am I, along with a few other illnesses. Mine are mild. I also did the medicine 'GUNIEA PIG' crap - unfortunately, the 'cure' was worse than the illness for me. I do not take meds now. From my experience with meds - and believe me - I took at least 10 different ones - for doctors to find the CORRECT meds that work for mental illness is a GUESSTIMATE game: it's keep trying till they find the right combination. I would suggest visiting www.mentalhealth.com and click on symptoms as well as medicines and read up!
Just a suggestion.
God bless you and your wife.
Harold

mudhound,

Thanks for the additional info.

How does your son relate to his Mom? Does she respond to him emotionally?

Some of the things you mentioned remind me of difficulties I've had with my W. I know it's hard to deal with hangups like not being willing to go out.

My W totally freaks out if we have to look for something in public. If we go to a restaraunt, we have to know which one before we start out. I've finally figured that out. She feels as if people are watching her and they will think she's stupid if she walks down the street and turns around and goes in the other direction. We had that experience the past weekend when we were in kind of a tourist/walking zone and were going to eat lunch. The same thing happened in the same place 3 years ago. I didn't expect it. Only Saturday did I put that together into a pattern.

Also, only in the last few months did I understand that she doesn't like to be a dinner guest in other people's homes. Always there was a different excuse why we shouldn't go, so I didn't get it - that she feels uncomfortable having people wait on her in their home.

W becomes very upset if I expose her involvement in any discision-making or take a position "in public" (meaning there is at least one other person there) which she might disagree with - because she feels embarassed to disagree with anybody (especially me) publicly and trapped if she can't express her own view.

When the phone rings she always says "You answer. Don't ask me to the phone." She will become very angry if I answer the phone and say anything about her at all - such as "she is sleeping", "she is at the University", "she is at the pool."

Sometimes, I have refused to even answer the phone when she is around because I'm afraid she will blow up if I say "the wrong thing."

I understand your frustration. The accumulation of hangups like that make it very difficult to do ordinary things.

-AD

Thanks for your reply.
It is a battle that i'm sure I cannot win.
Lost most of my hope for now.

mudhound,

It's good to see you back.

What's been happening in the last few weeks?

-AD

Yeah mudhound... what happened?

Marriage consists of aiding each other, and being there, through the thickest of depression. Bi-polar is a disease that causes the family to be in a turmoil of uncertainty. Medication helps, but like stated earlier, if the person doesn't want to help themselves, the healing process won't happen.

You seem to have been there through the deepest pain, and she seems to have no will on her part to help herself. How would it be if the two of you were in counseling for the bi-polar patient together. There are many avenues to seek to find these groups for the family of a bi-polar paitent.

I will put you in my prayers, and yes, your marriage was long and God hates divorce.

WOW! Just where would I start. Well I’m now seeing a therapist myself. She is a godly woman who also has a philology background. She has allowed to me “I’m not my wife’s dr., nor I’m I her jailer, or her sheriff.” I guess I’m to allow her to hurt herself when she wants to within reason. Also, I’m to go back to doing the things that once gave me pleasure like fishing, hunting, ATV riding, ect. In addition, I’m to restart my work life. Did I mention that I do some travel in my job? I may stay gone for 2-4 days on the road. The above is so hard when I care so much about her.

She shows no signs of caring for me due in part to the meds she is on. She has put me at a distance for some time and this was even before the meds and the illness got worse.

Speaking of the illness, it rules our relationship, fam life, and social life. That has to STOP! We go together to see a marriage counselor next week. However, she already refuses to do the things her current therapist says to do. Like simple things such as petting the dogs, taking a hot bath, or journaling when she gets uptight. So, I’m not too hopeful that anything will change.