Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted in ages and ages so here's a little background. XH affair began fall of 2000, I found out July 2001, through him out. Met my the love of my life Jan 2002, divorce final July 2002 (year waiting period in my state) and we were married this past July. Marriage is only three wonderful weeks old but I feel like we've been on an 18th month honeymoon already.

We're building a new "our" house and will be renting out our past-life houses. We were both betrayed spouses and understand the hurt that happens with infidelity--plus we're both faithful to a fault.

My daughter recently was married also, XH gave her away and everyone was quite cordial. The only sad note is that the morning of my wedding, my XH called crying, begging me to please not get married. Sometimes I just feel so bad for him. His main reason for his unfaithfulness (after 22 years of marriage) was that he wasn't happy. It hurts me to see how miserable his life has become. I even just loaned the XH enough money to make a down payment on a house so that he can get out of the dump that he lives in now.

I wish my husband could be cordial with his XW but they haven't even spoken since the day they separated. Attorneys handled everything and she was extremely bitter because she didn't receive any of the assets that he had brought into the marriage with him (20 year marriage for him).

I love his two grown children and we often do things as a combined family--his two children, my daughter, and my son-in-law.

Our new house will only have two bedrooms--ours and the grandchildren's (wishful thinking so far but we're really looking forward to spoiling little ones together). Our builder said that he'd never seen a house that size with only two bedrooms. We replied, nearly in unison, that we didn't want our children to be too comfortable when they came to visit. ;>

I hope everyone is happy and healing. Best of luck.

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who is madly in love with my new husband (married two years), and yet still care about, and am friendly with my ex-H (married for 20 years, divorced for three years).

I've had to spend the summer in California while my husband has had to stay in Canada (immigration problems) and I've been blessed beyond belief by family and friends -- including my ex-H, who has been a gem!

My situation differs from many because I moved to a different country to live with my new husband. I will never say that what happened in my situation was the best for my kids (now 22, 21 and 18). My girls stayed in CA with their dad to go to college and remain with their friends, boyfriends, etc. My son in particular was very hurt by our breakup and my subsequent move (he has special needs and needed to stay in CA to continue his therapies and special schooling).

It was a very hard time at first, for all of us, but as time has passed, I have proven that I did not desert them, and they know they can count on me to be here when they need me. Both my husband and my ex-H have been very supportive of these needs, as have my parents, and I have been very lucky indeed to have had several visits a year. I can say that we (their dad and I) did the best job possible as parents and they are growing successfully into adulthood.

My husband's children are relatively young still (12 and 15) and have struggled as well, of course, but they know their dad loves them... and he's there for them whenever possible, as well as every other weekend.

I consider my second marriage to be a blessing. We were both BS's in our prior marriage, and I was a WS at one time in my first marriage as well. I don't take anything for granted, and know when to thank God - and I do, often.

StartinOver,

The assumption that divorce is preceeded by arguing between the parents often, as in the case of my family, completely false. Before my H fell into depression after a relative's murder, and subsequently began his affair, my kids (and I) thought our marriage was happy and stable.

My H was a good, caring father to our six children for 18 years. Since the OW came into the picture (almost 5 years ago), he pays very little attention to the kids.

AlmostHappy,

I find it hard to believe that you would purposely design your house to discourage visits from your children (not to mention that you are seriously damaging resale value of the home). You may think that it is funny, but I find that cruel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We replied, nearly in unison, that we didn't want our children to be too comfortable when they came to visit. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Setting boundaries? Tough job! I appreciate the candor and know where you are coming from!

Hug the grandbabies! We have 6 grandchildren between my husband and I, ages 5 years to 7 months. A room for grandbabies? Anytime!

For our kids ages 29 to 22: the 26' camper trailer in the driveway is negotiable on a per night basis! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love his two grown children and we often do things as a combined family--his two children, my daughter, and my son-in-law. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As do we. As a matter of fact my husband's middle son, (first to get married of his three kids) wedding is this coming Saturday afternoon. The kids can't wait to have a blast together at the reception! Yet they don't condem my husband and I for "not building them a room".

Nellie, it is about thought process, perception and experience. I respect how you "read" the post and in my opinion there was nothing devious about it and I have references! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: Ragamuffin ]</small>

I just wanted to say thanks to Resilient for starting this thread, and for all who've shared their remarriage stories on it. It gives a girl in the verge of divorce some hope!

One thing that strikes me though is that it seems to be a trend that a fair number of you did not date your second spouse for very long (1 year or less) before marrying....any reason why (if this applies to you)?

Jen

Sure thing, Jen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And I also see that same trend, so I echo Jen's question ..... why less than a year's time in dating your 2nd spouse before marrying? Just curious.

Jo

Not Me, not me!

Hey Jo, "how's that workin' out for you is your topic".

Makes me sad that numbers, not experiences are the measuring device. Put the bar back up a notch or two!

You have invited many responses and recieved them, keep an open mind.

Yah, one more thing, you didn't answer my first post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Gayle!

I always try to keep an open mind ... but thanks for the reminder.

I was just curious as to the associated feelings (trust, self esteem) after going thru infidelity in our first marriages, and then when you remarry how that all comes into play, especially if there is a short time span in knowing the new second spouse.

These are all questions I have as a new single person who has gone thru the same, and thought it would help to see how new marriages are fairing when either partner was betrayed in their first marriage.

I'm sorry I didn't respond to you sooner .... I missed where you asked me if I was in the arts. I'm not though, I am an engineer. Miss Logical here ... lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hope you are well and good to know you're doing so good.

Love,
Jo

I'm not married yet but engaged to a wonderful man. We plan on getting married this fall after my daughter gets married. I have never been so happy and content.

My fiance is soo good to my kids and has really filled the void in their lives. My ex is still going through mid-life crisis and just doesn't need his kids right now. I thank God everyday for bringing this man into our lives.

I do agree with Nellie though. My kids are older, 19,18,16. Toms son is 20 and is a dad himself. They have their own lives and interests now. My youngest though does go with us on all of our trips if he wants to go and is the center of our attention. But my brother has really failed his kids. He was divorced many years ago when his kids were little 4and 2. He was the primary parent until he met his wife who has 3 kids of her own. Pretty soon his kids were back living at their Moms. Now that they are older 14 and 12 they have very little to do with their Dad and that is so sad. I get so mad at my brother but what can I do. His new wife doesn't treat my neice and nephew well so I think they are better being with their Mom. So I have seen both sides of joining families.

Jill

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nellie1:
<strong>AlmostHappy,

I find it hard to believe that you would purposely design your house to discourage visits from your children (not to mention that you are seriously damaging resale value of the home). You may think that it is funny, but I find that cruel.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Nellie1! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How is it cruel to not give your grown children their own bedrooms at your new house? I don't want to be in my mother-in-law's position of having her 37 year old son living with her for the past two and a half years. For goodness sakes, HE got the marital home, and lets it sit empty because there is no one there to wash his dishes and laundry! LOL

I've also remarried, we've been married 2 years now. He was never married before or had children. He is wonderful and everything I wished my ex would've been. He's an excellent father, we have a son together and my girls love him dearly.

My girls love H very much. My oldest has said even though it was hard when her Dad left us she's glad he's gone because H is a much better father. During woodshop my oldest daughter comes home with a name plate for my H (not even her own mother <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !!! that was a few days later), she had to write a report on who her hero is.....her stepdad her second report was on me.

There are many wonderful things about my H that the list could go on and on
I think when my X left me, I was able to find out who I really was and I found I really liked me. I also started to go to church after Hubby and I got together and many things have changed for the better in our lives!!!

That's why for me I'm teaching my children the things I wish I knew about finding a mate..........

<small>[ August 08, 2003, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Purpleroses ]</small>

I don't think it is necessary to make sure you have a bedroom for each of your children in a retirement home - geez, I don't have enough bedrooms for each of my six kids to have their own bedroom now! It seemed that the purpose of limiting the number of bedrooms was to make a statement that the children were NOT welcome to come home temporarily, or even visit, and I can not imagine not welcoming my children home. I love having my children home, and I certainly do not find them a burden. (And no, I do not do their laundry, and haven't since they were about 10 or 11).

I, too, wonder about the fact that so many have remarried with an alacrity that seems to verge on the insane - and I am willing to bet that most of those who did remarry so quickly would, in previous years, have strongly advised their friends against such haste.

Howdy y'all

Wow Nellie, you sound like a Dr Laura fan! Staying single until the kids move out. My daughtr would have been crushed if she had not had the chance to have a Dad (my new husband adopted her). She's never had a Dad before (deserted), so had I waited until she was 18 to remarry, I would have deprived her of the most wonderful man in her life.

Anyhoo, my X cheated on me after 10 year marriage, and three months after Dday, we split and it was done. I was on my own for 8 years when I met my husband. We will be married one year in Aug. We dated for one year. I'm 40, he's 41.

Dos the infidelity from my past play into our relationship? Yes, a little. I trust him, but sometimes the little voice in my head reminds me of my first marriage. I squash that voice and thank God for how my family has been blessed.

Nellie, I think, this is only my opinion, the reason people marry quickly the 2nd time around is that by this time, you know EXACTLY what you want, and when you get it, why wait? It's been a year I;'ve been remarried. If we waited, I still would marry him today. So, why wait?

Sunshine
happy little camper here!!!

No, actually I can't stand Dr. Laura. I think she is a hypocrite.

I disagree that knowing what you want is the reason so many people remarry so quickly. I can think of a number of other reasons. Actually, compared to many here, a year isn't terribly quickly - it is the cases where remarriage/cohabitation occurred within months or even a fortnight that really amaze me.

Jo and others who asked,

I can't explain why my husband and I decided to marry so soon, other than the fact that we love each other and wanted to combine our children into a family.

I knew exactly what type of person I wanted but actually was not looking for a man. I was quite content being alone with my children. But when I met Terry, I knew he was what I had wanted and needed all my life. I even tell him now that I wish he would have found me sooner...(as in, before I married the first time).

At first we were going to wait until June 2002 to get married but we figured that we were going to live together so why not get married. I wanted my children to know that he isn't going to desert them like their biological father did. Terry is here to stay. (Remember, I wouldn't have gotten a divorce if my ex hadn't been the one to push the issue). Honestly I would have married him a month after we started dating, I just knew that it was THAT right.

He has become the father to my children that their biological father won't be. When something important happens to them, they want Terry to know. And my youngest son, just yesterday, made Terry a card...it said "I love you, Dad...Noah". He doesn't call him dad very often, he knows it's his step-father. But he thinks of him as a dad. (Actually, he says he writes "dad" because he doesn't know how to spell Terry! LOL)

Ok....I kinda rambled! LOL LOL Really, I just wanted people to know that step-dad's can be very important to kids...especially ones that don't have a dad.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I remarried 2 years after my divorce and so far it's been very good. But then, I am more aware now then I was in my first marriage and pay attention to my H's ENs, keep the LBs to a minimum and try my best to be the partner he needs. Not that that "awareness" doesn't have it's downside too. I find that I do have some trust issues due to my ex-h's infidelity and we have not co-mingled our finances a great deal due to the horrible financial situation my ex-h caused during his A.

I love my H dearly but I will admit that I am more gaurded and don't know if I will ever have the blind trust for him that I had afforded my ex. Once bitten, I suppose....

Another who married my second husband very quickly after the divorce (less than a year)... but, um... my first husband... well, uh... we knew each other SIX WEEKS and ran away and got married - and that was a 20 year marriage. So actually, I knew my second husband about seven times as long as I'd known my first when we married! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sheryl,
Oldtimer love to you, you have such verve. 7 times as long, you simply...can I say "crack me up"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Still have my email?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LOR! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm only on for a moment, but saw this message... so glad I did! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I can't check my email address book right now (it's down) but I *think* <hanging head> I lost yours in the big address-loss of 2002... has it been that long since we talked??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway, I'll check and let you know...

And you're a doll to check up on me! Hope all is well with you and hubby and the family!! Hugs!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Written by our very own Sheryl Girl:
"and that was a 20 year marriage. So actually, I knew my second husband about seven times as long as I'd known my first when we married!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So doing the math <hee hee> that tells us you should be married AT A MINIMUM of 140 years. And I don't doubt it one bit either. Plus the time in Heaven together .... that equals infinity.

Whoa! that's a lot of need meeting time. Better rest up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />