Okay - So who in here has remarried since Infidelity, & how's that workin out for ya?

That long subject title says it all.

Let's hear from all you MB 2nd timers. How's your second marriage after experiencing infidelity in your first marriage. Any residual issues?

Lv,
Jo

[ August 01, 2003, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Gosh, so no one here has married again since their divorce which was related to infidelity in their first marriage? Not a one?

Jo

I have no direct proof my EX wife was having an affair.....but, I had a few signs....anyhow, I am remarried.......and things are fantastic. We both are lucky in that we get along with our EXs and our EXs have met us both. That tends to make things roll along much more smoothly.

Hi Jo, thanks for asking! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I remarried 7/10/02, we just celebrated our first anniversary!

We are both BS, he had been divorced for 15 years, myself 3 years.

At first, I have to tell you, his ex seemed like an OW to me. From what I could figure out she had emotionally leaned on him over the 15 year span. At 8 months of dating I blocked her number from calling mine because her calls had gotten ridiculous and often. My thinking was she could call him at home, she could call him at work but leave us alone the little time we shared at my house. The kids were grown! She didn't want him but she didn't want anyone else to have him either. My BIG trigger! I didn't leave it blocked for long but boy was she pi$$ed.

He dated 2 different people for 6 weeks each during the 15 years after the divorce. He had custody of his three kids so opted to stay out of the dating game until they were on their own.

Truly, I was ready to spend the rest of my life with my four legged critters. I was again happy with myself! I really liked me!

Trust took time although I had known "of him" since I was 13 years old.

We have between us 5 kids from ages 22 to 29, 2 inlaw kids, 1 fiance kid, 6 grandkids, 3 dogs, two cats and a fish!

He is one of five, I am an "only'. He is 46, I turn 49 next month.

Similar FOO issues.

Jo, I can't stress enough that reading the materials here didn't save my last marriage (serial cheater) but is building this marriage; one that "we" are taking to the grave! We both share the painful experience of being the recipient of infidelity.

Hope all is well with you!

Gayle

Hey Jo,

I remarried 3/8/2002. Just a little over a year ago. So far , things are really good. My husband's ex also had an affair and ended up pregnant.

The only thing that even remotely seems like it could possibly cause problems would be his lack of trust. Ya see, he was only separated for 3 months and divorced for 2 when we met. And we got married 4 months after that. But, I don't give him any reasons to not trust me. And he doesn't either.

And he's a very good step-father which is a major plus.

Oh, and there's a picture of me, him, his kids and my kids on faith1's MB photo album thread on GQII! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> His kids are the red heads. LOL

Take care,
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I wanted to clarify this to not give the wrong impression:

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I can't stress enough that reading the materials here didn't save my last marriage (serial cheater) <hr /></blockquote>I filed for divorce 4/98 and the divorce was granted 7/99. I joined MB's in 2000 to learn and try to understand why someone would start cheating 30 days after they took their vows. The past had to explored so I could move forward.

OT Jo but are you in the art/agency/pr field? I can't remember if it is you or I am thinking of someone else.

Thanks for the thread, I feel like it's a coming out party!

If you have any specific questions, I'll do my best to get back to you.

Hey Jo!!!

Not M yet, was supposed to be in April, but, as the date approached the kids [hers, mine are older and don't really care what the old man does] wanted to be included in the ceremony. We were just going to do the JP gig.

We have been together for two and a half years and there is no fear of straying. It helps being grads from MB!!!

I'm on my Second Marriage. I was involved in a EA back in '94 with my first wife, she in turn did PA on me in '96 and again in '98. We divorced.
I remarried in '00 and since then, my wife now has shown me what marriage is all about and she is LOVE IN ACTION. Basically, she's everything my first wife wasn't. Would you believe, we met online!? No horror story here - we emailed, then swapped addresses and phone numbers, then she came to visit me and we hit it off immediately.
COMMUNICATION is the Key to a successful marriage. Talk about everything! No matter how small it seems.
Just my story, Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi everyone,

Well yes, I remarried August 27th. This lady is just about the best woman I ever met. The subject of infidelity never comes up.

We are a little older than most of you, I'm 61, she is 53. For my part, it is a lot easier to be faithful now that my hormones are no longer driving me nuts, today I'm a home body, a couch potato, part of the pipe and slippers crowd.

I was divorced for nearly twenty years. Probably dated over thirty women in that time. It finally occurred to me that the only common denominator in all those failed relationships was ME? I was beginning to wonder if it was possible that I was doing something wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good to hear from all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Resilient~
I have been delightfully divorced from a serial cheater for 14 years. I've been blissfully remarried for 12. We were both BS in our previous marriages.

There haven't been any issues to speak of. I mean DH's x tried to be a pain for awhile, but once I sent my attorney after her, she pretty much left us alone. As for kids, there are 5 between us (no "ours"). We moved 3000 miles away from both our x(s), which did mean we lived no where near DH's children while they were growing up. My DH would tell you that it was the BEST possible thing we could have done. It allowed his daughters to bond with their stepdad. Meanwhile, MY children would say that they appreciated being able to bond with DH as if he were their biological dad. I think MY children really benefitted from the relationship with DH (and lack of contact with THEIR dad), but, I have to be honest and say that as wonderful as my stepdaughters' stepdad was (he's divorced from their mom, now), I think they suffered enormously from not having DH in their lives on a regular basis. I don't think they understood that my DH was making a sacrifice that HE believed to be the right choice for them. All of our kids are now adults...and very happy, successful and loving people. I just think the distance between DH and his daughters was difficult for them, partly because their mother was not a good or healthy influence on them. She told them more lies about me (and our relationship) than I can begin to remember. At least being 3000 miles away, put us out of her immediate orbit, which was probably easier on DH's girls. Still, I'd have to say, DH's daughters suffered the most pain, as a result of their parents' divorce and their dad's remarriage.

But, for us, LOVE is definitely better the 2nd time around. We appreciate every single day we have together. We know that WE are very lucky to have gotten out from under the drama we lived in our former lives and we are blessed to have found each other.

~BTM

I divorced my ex in 1999 and got married again this May 27th (coincidentally my B-day) to a wonderful woman who, like me, was married to a multiple affair loving ex-H. I'm such a lucky man to have this woman as my wife that many times I feel like doing Snoopy's happy dance at the drop of a hat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Coffee,
You said:
I divorced my ex in 1999 and got married again this May 27th (coincidentally my B-day) to a wonderful woman who, like me, was married to a multiple affair loving ex-H.

I am doing Snoopy's dance too because you are married to a woman this time and not an affair loving "ex-H"!!! LOL!!! (Just playing with ya!)

Oh I needed to add.......my new wife and I were friends before we became an item. We both were actually dating other people when we met. I have only been remarried for 1mo.....that is after dating for a year. My wife is nothing like my EX wife......Noone liked my EX.....not my friends, or even my family. Everyone loves my current wife....she is like a dream come true. She is beautiful, sweet, caring, stable......she is as close to ideal a woman I have ever seen. Boy do I LOVE HER!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by adgirl48:
Hey Coffee,
You said:
I divorced my ex in 1999 and got married again this May 27th (coincidentally my B-day) to a wonderful woman who, like me, was married to a multiple affair loving ex-H.

I am doing Snoopy's dance too because you are married to a woman this time and not an affair loving "ex-H"!!! LOL!!! (Just playing with ya!)<hr /></blockquote>ROTFLMAO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks adgirl, I need to preview my posts more carefully otherwise folks might think I drink from the wrong cup. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hey Guys,

S'cuse me while I but in here for a sec...

I usually spend all my time over on the Emotional Needs B. but this post caught my eye.

I was really surprised to hear how many of us are divorced, remarried and married only a year or so.. My 1st anniversary was this weekend. (1st marriage 21 years, no INF)

I have run across a lot of people on this board that have been married coming up on a year (second marriages). Maybe a whole new topic in itself?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was encouraged to know that there are others that have come to MB maybe not in a "crisis" so much, as wanting to learn how to make this NEW marriage work.

Just thot I would say hello ..

Diamonzzz

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> ROTFLMAO

Thanks adgirl, I need to preview my posts more carefully otherwise folks might think I drink from the wrong cup. <hr /></blockquote>Just helping you out there and trying to give you a screen spew with that coffee!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />DH was making a sacrifice that HE believed to be the
right choice for them. <hr /></blockquote>I think it is terribly sad that, even in the case where the marriage did not result from an affair, the children were hurt. I very much doubt that the real reason he moved away from his children was that he thought he was doing what was best for them, though he may have even convinced himself of that. I think it is more likely that it was too painful for him to see his children but not be living with them, and it was easier to put distance between them.

The more I read here and elsewhere, the more I am convinced that it is extremely rare for remarriage, whether of the WS or the BS, to benefit the children. At the very least, a new partner almost always results in the parent spending too little time with their children. In most cases, the children would be better off if both biological parents remained single until their children are grown. In many cases, this is only a matter of a few years, and I don't see how that can be too much of a hardship for the parents.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Nellie1:
[QUOTE] The more I read here and elsewhere, the more I am convinced that it is extremely rare for remarriage, whether of the WS or the BS, to benefit the children. At the very least, a new partner almost always results in the parent spending too little time with their children. In most cases, the children would be better off if both biological parents remained single until their children are grown. In many cases, this is only a matter of a few years, and I don't see how that can be too much of a hardship for the parents.<hr /></blockquote>I guess my remarriage is one of those rare cases. My new wifes EX rarely spent any time with her son......Im NOT his father, but Im more of a father to him than his dad. My kids on the other had no longer have to witness their parents arguing and fighting which in most cases really damages the kids......finally all kids have a normal home with parents who care enough about each other and them. Have a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I've been re-married for almost 6 years now. We were both the WS. At first it was very difficult due to the circumstances but that now seems like an eternity ago. My marriage to my second husband is awesome. Some of that I think has to do with learning from our mistakes and making our marriage first in our life. I have two kids that live with us and two step kids that are with us about 40% of the time. The kids are very close. My husband and my two kids are extremely close due to the fact that he does 90% of their parenting compared to their dad who doesn't have much interest. My husband and his wife do a good job co-parenting with each other. His ex has been dating the same man for over a year and my ex has been living with the same girlfriend for 6 years or so.

Great to hear there is hope out there for those of us who may be joining the D crowd. I know if there is a "next time" I'm going to be waiting in measurements of Years before jumping into the M boat again. Keep em coming!

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted in ages and ages so here's a little background. XH affair began fall of 2000, I found out July 2001, through him out. Met my the love of my life Jan 2002, divorce final July 2002 (year waiting period in my state) and we were married this past July. Marriage is only three wonderful weeks old but I feel like we've been on an 18th month honeymoon already.

We're building a new "our" house and will be renting out our past-life houses. We were both betrayed spouses and understand the hurt that happens with infidelity--plus we're both faithful to a fault.

My daughter recently was married also, XH gave her away and everyone was quite cordial. The only sad note is that the morning of my wedding, my XH called crying, begging me to please not get married. Sometimes I just feel so bad for him. His main reason for his unfaithfulness (after 22 years of marriage) was that he wasn't happy. It hurts me to see how miserable his life has become. I even just loaned the XH enough money to make a down payment on a house so that he can get out of the dump that he lives in now.

I wish my husband could be cordial with his XW but they haven't even spoken since the day they separated. Attorneys handled everything and she was extremely bitter because she didn't receive any of the assets that he had brought into the marriage with him (20 year marriage for him).

I love his two grown children and we often do things as a combined family--his two children, my daughter, and my son-in-law.

Our new house will only have two bedrooms--ours and the grandchildren's (wishful thinking so far but we're really looking forward to spoiling little ones together). Our builder said that he'd never seen a house that size with only two bedrooms. We replied, nearly in unison, that we didn't want our children to be too comfortable when they came to visit. ;>

I hope everyone is happy and healing. Best of luck.

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who is madly in love with my new husband (married two years), and yet still care about, and am friendly with my ex-H (married for 20 years, divorced for three years).

I've had to spend the summer in California while my husband has had to stay in Canada (immigration problems) and I've been blessed beyond belief by family and friends -- including my ex-H, who has been a gem!

My situation differs from many because I moved to a different country to live with my new husband. I will never say that what happened in my situation was the best for my kids (now 22, 21 and 18). My girls stayed in CA with their dad to go to college and remain with their friends, boyfriends, etc. My son in particular was very hurt by our breakup and my subsequent move (he has special needs and needed to stay in CA to continue his therapies and special schooling).

It was a very hard time at first, for all of us, but as time has passed, I have proven that I did not desert them, and they know they can count on me to be here when they need me. Both my husband and my ex-H have been very supportive of these needs, as have my parents, and I have been very lucky indeed to have had several visits a year. I can say that we (their dad and I) did the best job possible as parents and they are growing successfully into adulthood.

My husband's children are relatively young still (12 and 15) and have struggled as well, of course, but they know their dad loves them... and he's there for them whenever possible, as well as every other weekend.

I consider my second marriage to be a blessing. We were both BS's in our prior marriage, and I was a WS at one time in my first marriage as well. I don't take anything for granted, and know when to thank God - and I do, often.

StartinOver,

The assumption that divorce is preceeded by arguing between the parents often, as in the case of my family, completely false. Before my H fell into depression after a relative's murder, and subsequently began his affair, my kids (and I) thought our marriage was happy and stable.

My H was a good, caring father to our six children for 18 years. Since the OW came into the picture (almost 5 years ago), he pays very little attention to the kids.

AlmostHappy,

I find it hard to believe that you would purposely design your house to discourage visits from your children (not to mention that you are seriously damaging resale value of the home). You may think that it is funny, but I find that cruel.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> We replied, nearly in unison, that we didn't want our children to be too comfortable when they came to visit. <hr /></blockquote>Setting boundaries? Tough job! I appreciate the candor and know where you are coming from!

Hug the grandbabies! We have 6 grandchildren between my husband and I, ages 5 years to 7 months. A room for grandbabies? Anytime!

For our kids ages 29 to 22: the 26' camper trailer in the driveway is negotiable on a per night basis! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I love his two grown children and we often do things as a combined family--his two children, my daughter, and my son-in-law. <hr /></blockquote>As do we. As a matter of fact my husband's middle son, (first to get married of his three kids) wedding is this coming Saturday afternoon. The kids can't wait to have a blast together at the reception! Yet they don't condem my husband and I for "not building them a room".

Nellie, it is about thought process, perception and experience. I respect how you "read" the post and in my opinion there was nothing devious about it and I have references! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[ August 06, 2003, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: Ragamuffin ]

I just wanted to say thanks to Resilient for starting this thread, and for all who've shared their remarriage stories on it. It gives a girl in the verge of divorce some hope!

One thing that strikes me though is that it seems to be a trend that a fair number of you did not date your second spouse for very long (1 year or less) before marrying....any reason why (if this applies to you)?

Jen

Sure thing, Jen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And I also see that same trend, so I echo Jen's question ..... why less than a year's time in dating your 2nd spouse before marrying? Just curious.

Jo

Not Me, not me!

Hey Jo, "how's that workin' out for you is your topic".

Makes me sad that numbers, not experiences are the measuring device. Put the bar back up a notch or two!

You have invited many responses and recieved them, keep an open mind.

Yah, one more thing, you didn't answer my first post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Gayle!

I always try to keep an open mind ... but thanks for the reminder.

I was just curious as to the associated feelings (trust, self esteem) after going thru infidelity in our first marriages, and then when you remarry how that all comes into play, especially if there is a short time span in knowing the new second spouse.

These are all questions I have as a new single person who has gone thru the same, and thought it would help to see how new marriages are fairing when either partner was betrayed in their first marriage.

I'm sorry I didn't respond to you sooner .... I missed where you asked me if I was in the arts. I'm not though, I am an engineer. Miss Logical here ... lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I hope you are well and good to know you're doing so good.

Love,
Jo

I'm not married yet but engaged to a wonderful man. We plan on getting married this fall after my daughter gets married. I have never been so happy and content.

My fiance is soo good to my kids and has really filled the void in their lives. My ex is still going through mid-life crisis and just doesn't need his kids right now. I thank God everyday for bringing this man into our lives.

I do agree with Nellie though. My kids are older, 19,18,16. Toms son is 20 and is a dad himself. They have their own lives and interests now. My youngest though does go with us on all of our trips if he wants to go and is the center of our attention. But my brother has really failed his kids. He was divorced many years ago when his kids were little 4and 2. He was the primary parent until he met his wife who has 3 kids of her own. Pretty soon his kids were back living at their Moms. Now that they are older 14 and 12 they have very little to do with their Dad and that is so sad. I get so mad at my brother but what can I do. His new wife doesn't treat my neice and nephew well so I think they are better being with their Mom. So I have seen both sides of joining families.

Jill

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Nellie1:
AlmostHappy,

I find it hard to believe that you would purposely design your house to discourage visits from your children (not to mention that you are seriously damaging resale value of the home). You may think that it is funny, but I find that cruel.<hr /></blockquote>Hi Nellie1! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How is it cruel to not give your grown children their own bedrooms at your new house? I don't want to be in my mother-in-law's position of having her 37 year old son living with her for the past two and a half years. For goodness sakes, HE got the marital home, and lets it sit empty because there is no one there to wash his dishes and laundry! LOL

I've also remarried, we've been married 2 years now. He was never married before or had children. He is wonderful and everything I wished my ex would've been. He's an excellent father, we have a son together and my girls love him dearly.

My girls love H very much. My oldest has said even though it was hard when her Dad left us she's glad he's gone because H is a much better father. During woodshop my oldest daughter comes home with a name plate for my H (not even her own mother <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !!! that was a few days later), she had to write a report on who her hero is.....her stepdad her second report was on me.

There are many wonderful things about my H that the list could go on and on
I think when my X left me, I was able to find out who I really was and I found I really liked me. I also started to go to church after Hubby and I got together and many things have changed for the better in our lives!!!

That's why for me I'm teaching my children the things I wish I knew about finding a mate..........

[ August 08, 2003, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Purpleroses ]

I don't think it is necessary to make sure you have a bedroom for each of your children in a retirement home - geez, I don't have enough bedrooms for each of my six kids to have their own bedroom now! It seemed that the purpose of limiting the number of bedrooms was to make a statement that the children were NOT welcome to come home temporarily, or even visit, and I can not imagine not welcoming my children home. I love having my children home, and I certainly do not find them a burden. (And no, I do not do their laundry, and haven't since they were about 10 or 11).

I, too, wonder about the fact that so many have remarried with an alacrity that seems to verge on the insane - and I am willing to bet that most of those who did remarry so quickly would, in previous years, have strongly advised their friends against such haste.

Howdy y'all

Wow Nellie, you sound like a Dr Laura fan! Staying single until the kids move out. My daughtr would have been crushed if she had not had the chance to have a Dad (my new husband adopted her). She's never had a Dad before (deserted), so had I waited until she was 18 to remarry, I would have deprived her of the most wonderful man in her life.

Anyhoo, my X cheated on me after 10 year marriage, and three months after Dday, we split and it was done. I was on my own for 8 years when I met my husband. We will be married one year in Aug. We dated for one year. I'm 40, he's 41.

Dos the infidelity from my past play into our relationship? Yes, a little. I trust him, but sometimes the little voice in my head reminds me of my first marriage. I squash that voice and thank God for how my family has been blessed.

Nellie, I think, this is only my opinion, the reason people marry quickly the 2nd time around is that by this time, you know EXACTLY what you want, and when you get it, why wait? It's been a year I;'ve been remarried. If we waited, I still would marry him today. So, why wait?

Sunshine
happy little camper here!!!

No, actually I can't stand Dr. Laura. I think she is a hypocrite.

I disagree that knowing what you want is the reason so many people remarry so quickly. I can think of a number of other reasons. Actually, compared to many here, a year isn't terribly quickly - it is the cases where remarriage/cohabitation occurred within months or even a fortnight that really amaze me.

Jo and others who asked,

I can't explain why my husband and I decided to marry so soon, other than the fact that we love each other and wanted to combine our children into a family.

I knew exactly what type of person I wanted but actually was not looking for a man. I was quite content being alone with my children. But when I met Terry, I knew he was what I had wanted and needed all my life. I even tell him now that I wish he would have found me sooner...(as in, before I married the first time).

At first we were going to wait until June 2002 to get married but we figured that we were going to live together so why not get married. I wanted my children to know that he isn't going to desert them like their biological father did. Terry is here to stay. (Remember, I wouldn't have gotten a divorce if my ex hadn't been the one to push the issue). Honestly I would have married him a month after we started dating, I just knew that it was THAT right.

He has become the father to my children that their biological father won't be. When something important happens to them, they want Terry to know. And my youngest son, just yesterday, made Terry a card...it said "I love you, Dad...Noah". He doesn't call him dad very often, he knows it's his step-father. But he thinks of him as a dad. (Actually, he says he writes "dad" because he doesn't know how to spell Terry! LOL)

Ok....I kinda rambled! LOL LOL Really, I just wanted people to know that step-dad's can be very important to kids...especially ones that don't have a dad.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I remarried 2 years after my divorce and so far it's been very good. But then, I am more aware now then I was in my first marriage and pay attention to my H's ENs, keep the LBs to a minimum and try my best to be the partner he needs. Not that that "awareness" doesn't have it's downside too. I find that I do have some trust issues due to my ex-h's infidelity and we have not co-mingled our finances a great deal due to the horrible financial situation my ex-h caused during his A.

I love my H dearly but I will admit that I am more gaurded and don't know if I will ever have the blind trust for him that I had afforded my ex. Once bitten, I suppose....

Another who married my second husband very quickly after the divorce (less than a year)... but, um... my first husband... well, uh... we knew each other SIX WEEKS and ran away and got married - and that was a 20 year marriage. So actually, I knew my second husband about seven times as long as I'd known my first when we married! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sheryl,
Oldtimer love to you, you have such verve. 7 times as long, you simply...can I say "crack me up"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Still have my email?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LOR! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm only on for a moment, but saw this message... so glad I did! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I can't check my email address book right now (it's down) but I *think* <hanging head> I lost yours in the big address-loss of 2002... has it been that long since we talked??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway, I'll check and let you know...

And you're a doll to check up on me! Hope all is well with you and hubby and the family!! Hugs!!

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Written by our very own Sheryl Girl:
"and that was a 20 year marriage. So actually, I knew my second husband about seven times as long as I'd known my first when we married!"<hr /></blockquote>So doing the math <hee hee> that tells us you should be married AT A MINIMUM of 140 years. And I don't doubt it one bit either. Plus the time in Heaven together .... that equals infinity.

Whoa! that's a lot of need meeting time. Better rest up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Jo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hi Lor! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jo, my dear friend, the engineer, you rock doing the math for me!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lor, well... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... I finally was able to check out my address book, and yours is missing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (Jo's too, actually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). Let me think of something... I'd love to keep in touch with both of you! If you're comfy sharing, you can put it here... it's just that I can't get on often, and I might not see it for a couple of days!! (I hate not being able to just hang out!! LOL). Let me know... I'll come back and check this thread when I can!

Love to both of you!!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Resilient:
...that's a lot of need meeting time...<hr /></blockquote>I keep trying to say that out loud ... need meeting ... need meeting ... it still sounds funny. Like it's wrong. Like it should be meed neeting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My mom and dad got married young, 17 and 19 I think. They were together for about 25 years. Several years after the divorce, my mom married a man she had known for just one month. They have been married for over 20 years.

I guess it's not how long you've been together, but how well you build together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I got into a serious relationship quickly, but not cohabitation or engagement. I told him I'd need about five years before I'd want to talk marriage. We're just about halfway there. We do plan on building together and moving in around next spring.

As far as kids go, my kids love him, and love having a part-time big sister. I've seen my BF do lots of things I'd never seen my XH take the time to do with the kids. Also, the XH is now more active with them than he had been before, so I think the kids are in a win/win. Even though I'm sure they would like to not have to split time between mom and dad, they understand that mom and dad could not be happy together and can be better parents apart.

Hi x-PBC,

You know, my mom and dad were married for 20+ years before divorcing. My mom remarried about 2 years after their divorce and has been married to that same wonderful man (my step-dad) for 30+ years. But my mom continues to tell me she wished she'd had waited before jumping into a marriage. It can't have anything to do with her 2nd husband (step-dad) being a bad husband I don't think, he seems wonderful and cherishes my mom to this day.

My mom has been saying this even after the first couple years of marriage. And since my divorce she has been telling me to wait before getting seriously involved. This is the same message I'm receiving from many good friends too, which have also remarried quickly (2+ years) after going through divorces in their first marriages.

Jo

[ August 12, 2003, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]

[Continued from above post:]

So, when I did date someone they got seriously involved very quickly and I was surprised at this. I didn't even think I was marketable in the dating scene and was still not emotionally over the divorce. It was wayyyyy too much too soon.

And so I'm thinking maybe I should follow my mom's advice (lol .... that would be a first for me).

Lv,
Jo

Resilient,

My folks divorced after 20 years of marriage..my dad remarried a few years later and has been married for the 2nd time over 20 years..

My dad told me while I was going through my divorce, don't let pride get in your way and stop you from trying to work through things..

I explained things I had learned here, and from reading books--and things I had done to try and make the marriage work, and that ex didn't want to make things work..he said, "your mom did the same things..and tried to make our marriage work, but I was so full of myself I didn't see it, until it was to late, I was remarried, and had another child" (so it took him a few years to come out of the fog)

he said for him..it was pride that made him not go back to the marriage..and do what it took to make it work..and that is something he has to live with..that he didn't try..and just ran away
and I guess that is what is different this time around..I'm no longer running when problems arise
I stay and work through them..and added but, you can't make someone stay and work through problems
you can only pray they are willing to set their pride aside and work on them..

I'm engaged and we went to a marriage seminar last year before we even discussed marriage..and when we started discussing marriage, we went through 16 weeks of pre-marriage counseling...and we learned A LOT, not just about each other, but ourselves..

He reads through the information on this site..he doesn't post, but we discuss it..we both still have much to learn..but we want to learn them together..will our marriage be 'perfect'?? I don't think so, as a marriage is nothing more than two sinners promising to live together through good and bad times..and working through the bad times together as team...

on another note--

I read your post on the thread about God, divorce and remarriage..and wanted to respond--

Read 1 Corinthians Chapter 7 the Apostle Paul talks about situations of a non-believer leaving a marriage to a believer--

he says..if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases..

looking at that in correlation to the verses in the bible that discuss being unequally yoked..
you aren't truly yoked together..as you are working against each other..and serving different Lords, whether he acknowledges that fact or not..

So in that respect..your not under bondage of the law..because he was a non-believer...

My mother remarried shortly after she divorced my father. He had problems with his zipper.
My stepfather has raised me, and it is he who I consider my father. He taught me to dance, he put braces on my teeth, he was the one I wanted to give me away at my wedding.
I think sometimes remarriage is the best thing for children. Nothing teaches a child from a broken home, that love CAN be forever, than seeing their parent remarried to someone who loves and respects them.

You know Liliane (member #33150), I see you keep responding to posts in advocacy of marriages ending in favor of an affair.

Forgive me if I'm mis-interpreting what you write, but you have also posted on a more recent thread by Carlajo where she asks: "How many WS have married their OP?". You again responded in advocacy of an affair over the marriage.

Then you pulled up my somewhat very old post and did the same???

So, can you please share your story here.

Jo

[ March 01, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]

What I am finding wierd about this thread is the QUICK AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS BETWEEN THE DIVORCES AND THE REMARRIAGES.

As for me, I have been divorced two months now...and having a ball..DATING SEVERAL PEOPLE.

I didn't do this during college and had one long term bf before marrying my xh.

I've never been happier. I feel like I've been let out of a prison that I locked myself into. While they are great guys, I am just wanting to do what I should have done and dated around more. Sure, I want to settle down again, but not until I clearly define who and what kind of person I want to marry...

And I have to go somewhat with Nellie...remarriage is VERY hard on kids...I oughta know. My xh Jethro recently remarried (like the week after our d was final to his OW) and she's getting ready to give birth. My son is confused and I see it all over his face. Why in the heck DO I WANT TO ADD TO THE PAIN AND CONFUSION OF MY CHILD WHO'S ALREADY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?

One thing I have learned is that I am in control of MYSELF. I can choose whom to date and as of today, my choice is to only date somebody either never married or divorced only once with either one child or no children. I see how difficult it's been when my sweet little guy has been literally thrown into a "pseudo sibling" relationship with my xh's former OW..my son went from being an only child to sharing his bedroom at his dad's house with a boy one year younger than him and suddenly..presto add water...here comes a half sister.

Adultery is cruel and those doing it if they aren't wise..like thinking about the next 18 years if they have offspring from their fling vs. taking the time to buy a condom or take the darn pill.

I am waiting to marry and realize now that I complete me. I don't need anybody to do that for me. I've finally gotten to like who I am now. For so long, I was hurt by the pain of the affairs of my xh. Plus he was verbally and physically cruel towards the end of the M even after the separation occurred initially as well.

I am not going to settle. No way. Not saying anybody above here has, but I am going to wait a minimum of one year before dating one person..My son absolutley knows he comes FIRST in my life and I guess that's why he feels so secure with me.

And my son is learning too about this new thing. Two weeks ago we were watching "the Jeff Corwin Experience" on Animal Planet. He says that he likes Jeff and said that we "should go and get him b/c he'd be a fun dad." My son has even said that "he wants a dad that doesn't have kids so that he could be his only dad". See? Does anybody understand that the Brady Bunch thing is fiction? My son wants to basically inherit a clean slate and start over right along with mom.

I think love is grand. My sincere congratulations to all who have found their partners and gotten over this difficult part in our lives. But the kids are another story.

I am doing my best as a single mom to try to blend what's best for my son and myself. And that would be 1)waiting and not immediatley rushing into a marriage 2)dating around and finding out exactly what it is I want in a husband 3)knowing that my son would have to be also a top priority to my stb new H one day...and 4)having the time of my life and growing.

Just don't forget to those newly divorced or divorcing, that you've been through a serious life change that requires alot of personal reflection.

Jerry Maguire is a movie. It isn't real. The line "you had me at hello... and You Complete Me"
are that..just lines. While I see how my xh is pretending to carry on with this new happy remarriage, I see the real sitch he's in and know he wishes otherwise..but hey, he's the WS and she's the OW.

My desire is that each of us finds that personal happines with that special somebody but that they first develop and enrich the relationship that first existed...that would be the relationship with their kids.

justpeachy,

Just kinda curious...

And I have to go somewhat with Nellie...remarriage is VERY hard on kids

I see how difficult it's been when my sweet little guy
Are you keeping this dating COMPLETELY separate from this sweet little guy?

Don't want him to get attached (even one little iota) to someone until it is semi-serious (like exclusively dating for at least 6 months).

It's much worse on them when mom/dad start dating and they think they are getting a "replacement" for the other, only to have the parent not continue with this person after they have met the kids.

[ March 01, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

I was recently remarried 3 yrs after the divorce was final. I am very happy, happier than I have been for alot of years. I have learned so much from MB and work very hard every day to implament what I have learned.

JIll

Posting in response to Resilient, who wrote:

You know Liliane (member #33150), I see you keep responding to posts in advocacy of marriages ending in favor of an affair.

I am not advocate abandoning marriage in FAVOR of an affair. But I was the child of a father who was unfaithful and a mother who remarried soon after, SUCCESSFULLY, to a wonderful man. So often here, I have a big difference of opinion with some people who feel that even a BAD marriage has to endure through it all. Some marriages just can't be fixed, perhaps they shouldn't have happened at all...? Perhaps people often marry too young, and with a second marriage, choose someone with more wisdom and maturity than the first time?

Just my opinion, that some first marriages can be fixed, and it is great if they can. But second marriages shouldn't be denigrated just because they are second marriages.

So often here, I have a big difference of opinion with some people who feel that even a BAD marriage has to endure through it all.
Hmmm? Can’t say I’ve seen much of that (if any) at all.

Then my apologies Liliane.

Much like you, I don't believe all marriages should be saved. There are some severe circumstances which I feel divorce may be the only route, on-going physical abuse is one of them.

I also think that marriages go thru peaks and valleys, that those valleys are the reason we make vows (promises). It's interesting to me that there are so many people (real life or not) that feel a marriage is disposable once things get tough, and once it becomes real work beyond the everyday drudges of life.

Like when a spouse becomes ill or jobs are lost, or when one spouse enters a life's crisis.

Divorce just comes too easy IMHO.

Jo

[ March 01, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]

My remarriage has been easier on my kids than my marriage to their father ever was.

First a story about remarriage and children...

Last December, my wife and I attended the wedding of a couple. It is the second marriage for both. They met in the divorce recovery support group we were leading in 2000. They put lots of time and energy into preparing for a second marriage including family counseling with a psychologist who specializes in step families.

The wedding day arrived and the bride's 16 year old son walked her down the aisle and gave her away. The first night back at home with all the kids, she and her husband are getting ready for bed and say goodnight to all the children. Her son, who gave her away, asks if Ron, her husband, is spending the night!

When I first heard this it was very funny, but then I got to thinking about it. As much work and the couple did to prepare themselves and the kids, the one sone really did not grasp the meaning of his mom getting remarried. Children lag their parents by months or even years in the grieving and recovery process.

As for me...
First Marrage was July 1982
Affair Discovered December 25, 1998 (yes Christmas day)
Wife moved out August 1999
Divorce final December 1999
Remarried May 2001

Being a step family is not for the faint of heart. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done. Wife and I are involved with a couple who are building a ministry for step-families. THis has helped a lot with dealing with the issues and struggles we face.

I would agree with the previous posts that it's harder on the kids. THey get so used to the way things used to be and do not handle the change well.

Regards,
Tom

[ March 03, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: ZAPFT ]

justpeachy,

--My son absolutley knows he comes FIRST in my life and I guess that's why he feels so secure with me.

TR--If you ever remarry--this is where your going to have conflicts--either with your son--or your new husband--

Contrary to what most people think--a spouse comes first in a marriage--even second marriages--

And children who are put first in their parents lives--even before their dating and such--have a more difficult time adjusting to second marriages-

Because both your spouse and your son will be competing for your undivided attention--your son because it's what he's always gotten and your new spouse because it's what is required for a healthy and happy marriage--

--My son has even said that "he wants a dad that doesn't have kids so that he could be his only dad".

TR--You should explain to your son at some point that if you ever remarry--Jethro will STILL be his dad--and that his step dad will not 'replace' Jethro--in his life--only in yours--

--See? Does anybody understand that the Brady Bunch thing is fiction?

TR-- I believe with Brady Bunch the two first marriage's ended in the death of one spouse--not divorce--as they never had the past spouse issues

--My son wants to basically inherit a clean slate and start over right along with mom.

TR--this will be impossible--and then what if you and whoever the new husband might be want to have another child? How do you think your son will handle that after being Mom's only for so long??
again your attentions will be divided--

--1)waiting and not immediatley rushing into a marriage

TR--I agree

--2)dating around and finding out exactly what it is I want in a husband

TR--And as you find out--write those qualities down--also make a list of things you don't want in a marriage relationship--you can refer back to your list occassionally and see what traits your new beau may have that are on your yes or no list-it can help prevent you from getting emotionally involved with someone you know has traits you don't want--

--3)knowing that my son would have to be also a top priority to my stb new H one day...

TR--but he shouldn't be the #1 priority for either of you once you re-marry--he should be #2 on both of your's list--

And Zap--Awesome about the Step-Family Ministry--

And in reference to your comment--

--They get so used to the way things used to be and do not handle the change well.--

TR--I agree to a point, it's not that they do not handle change very well--but more they don't realize just how that change is going to effect them personally--

1. This person is now going to be around every night--

2. It will no longer be just them and mom/dad doing their own thing--there will be another person or persons to take into consideration when doing things--

My son who is nine now--thought my new husband was going to take his dad's place and he'd never see his dad again, and that wasn't what he wanted, and it scared him (and rightfully so)

we had to constantly assure him--NO that wasn't going to be the case--he would still see his dad--just like he has been--but that his step dad would be here for him even when his dad isn't around--and he would be here with me when the kids were with their dad--

we had to explain--his dad will ALWAYS be his dad-and nobody could ever replace him or take that relationship away from them--

We discussed those things before we even got married--so that the kids would understand--my children and husband are building their own relationship--while at the same time--my kids and their dad have their own relationship which is seperate--

it's not always easy--because many times when conflict comes up--I see things from BOTH perspectives--and I side with my husband in front of the kids--and then if I have a problem with it he and I discuss it privately--

I explained to my kids as well--that no matter how much I love them--in cases of discipline we will stand together--and if it's something I disagree with--I will discuss it with him--in private--and that I will stand up for them when I feel they are in the right--and because my husband has gone back to them and apologized for things later--they see that I actually do this--and it helps them to feel safe--that they are being heard, and I'm not taking sides--him against them--and helps him know I'm not taking their side over his--

So far it's been working--

I'd like to thank you for that post. My stepfather is so precious to me, and when I hear people deriding the feasibility of second marriages, and step-parent and step-child relationships, and how children are damaged by divorce and remarriage, and won't be able to accept new parents...

I just want to scream. That man put braces on my teeth, taught me how to dance, took care of me when I was sick, and YES, he disciplined me on occasion. And he's every bit as much my father as my natural father. My father remarried his "OW". I was very young, and didn't know about the affair. My mother never said a word. When I asked why they were divorcing, she just said that she and Daddy couldn't live together anymore. She let me build my own relationships. I am grateful to her.
Now, many years later, I actually get along with my father's second wife than I do with him! She's a nice lady, who got involved in a bad thing. But she did the best she could to turn it around. And she was always kind and welcoming to her stepchildren.
My mother and stepfather had custody, so I suppose my strongest memories involve them. But it doesn't mean I didn't love my father and stepmother.

I just saw this Thread come up - yes, I'm on my Second Marriage.
My X married her OM 5 months after we divorced.
I remarried 1 1/2 years later.
My marriage is great, although, like anything worth having, it takes BOTH of us WORKING on it daily. I have baggage from my previous marriage. My current wife was a widow. She also has baggage from her previous marriage.
TOGETHER, we're working it out and deeply in love with each other!
Harold