Hi Jo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hi Lor! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jo, my dear friend, the engineer, you rock doing the math for me!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lor, well... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... I finally was able to check out my address book, and yours is missing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (Jo's too, actually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). Let me think of something... I'd love to keep in touch with both of you! If you're comfy sharing, you can put it here... it's just that I can't get on often, and I might not see it for a couple of days!! (I hate not being able to just hang out!! LOL). Let me know... I'll come back and check this thread when I can!

Love to both of you!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
...that's a lot of need meeting time...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep trying to say that out loud ... need meeting ... need meeting ... it still sounds funny. Like it's wrong. Like it should be meed neeting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My mom and dad got married young, 17 and 19 I think. They were together for about 25 years. Several years after the divorce, my mom married a man she had known for just one month. They have been married for over 20 years.

I guess it's not how long you've been together, but how well you build together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I got into a serious relationship quickly, but not cohabitation or engagement. I told him I'd need about five years before I'd want to talk marriage. We're just about halfway there. We do plan on building together and moving in around next spring.

As far as kids go, my kids love him, and love having a part-time big sister. I've seen my BF do lots of things I'd never seen my XH take the time to do with the kids. Also, the XH is now more active with them than he had been before, so I think the kids are in a win/win. Even though I'm sure they would like to not have to split time between mom and dad, they understand that mom and dad could not be happy together and can be better parents apart.

Hi x-PBC,

You know, my mom and dad were married for 20+ years before divorcing. My mom remarried about 2 years after their divorce and has been married to that same wonderful man (my step-dad) for 30+ years. But my mom continues to tell me she wished she'd had waited before jumping into a marriage. It can't have anything to do with her 2nd husband (step-dad) being a bad husband I don't think, he seems wonderful and cherishes my mom to this day.

My mom has been saying this even after the first couple years of marriage. And since my divorce she has been telling me to wait before getting seriously involved. This is the same message I'm receiving from many good friends too, which have also remarried quickly (2+ years) after going through divorces in their first marriages.

Jo

<small>[ August 12, 2003, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

[Continued from above post:]

So, when I did date someone they got seriously involved very quickly and I was surprised at this. I didn't even think I was marketable in the dating scene and was still not emotionally over the divorce. It was wayyyyy too much too soon.

And so I'm thinking maybe I should follow my mom's advice (lol .... that would be a first for me).

Lv,
Jo

Resilient,

My folks divorced after 20 years of marriage..my dad remarried a few years later and has been married for the 2nd time over 20 years..

My dad told me while I was going through my divorce, don't let pride get in your way and stop you from trying to work through things..

I explained things I had learned here, and from reading books--and things I had done to try and make the marriage work, and that ex didn't want to make things work..he said, "your mom did the same things..and tried to make our marriage work, but I was so full of myself I didn't see it, until it was to late, I was remarried, and had another child" (so it took him a few years to come out of the fog)

he said for him..it was pride that made him not go back to the marriage..and do what it took to make it work..and that is something he has to live with..that he didn't try..and just ran away
and I guess that is what is different this time around..I'm no longer running when problems arise
I stay and work through them..and added but, you can't make someone stay and work through problems
you can only pray they are willing to set their pride aside and work on them..

I'm engaged and we went to a marriage seminar last year before we even discussed marriage..and when we started discussing marriage, we went through 16 weeks of pre-marriage counseling...and we learned A LOT, not just about each other, but ourselves..

He reads through the information on this site..he doesn't post, but we discuss it..we both still have much to learn..but we want to learn them together..will our marriage be 'perfect'?? I don't think so, as a marriage is nothing more than two sinners promising to live together through good and bad times..and working through the bad times together as team...

on another note--

I read your post on the thread about God, divorce and remarriage..and wanted to respond--

Read 1 Corinthians Chapter 7 the Apostle Paul talks about situations of a non-believer leaving a marriage to a believer--

he says..if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases..

looking at that in correlation to the verses in the bible that discuss being unequally yoked..
you aren't truly yoked together..as you are working against each other..and serving different Lords, whether he acknowledges that fact or not..

So in that respect..your not under bondage of the law..because he was a non-believer...

My mother remarried shortly after she divorced my father. He had problems with his zipper.
My stepfather has raised me, and it is he who I consider my father. He taught me to dance, he put braces on my teeth, he was the one I wanted to give me away at my wedding.
I think sometimes remarriage is the best thing for children. Nothing teaches a child from a broken home, that love CAN be forever, than seeing their parent remarried to someone who loves and respects them.

You know Liliane (member #33150), I see you keep responding to posts in advocacy of marriages ending in favor of an affair.

Forgive me if I'm mis-interpreting what you write, but you have also posted on a more recent thread by Carlajo where she asks: "How many WS have married their OP?". You again responded in advocacy of an affair over the marriage.

Then you pulled up my somewhat very old post and did the same???

So, can you please share your story here.

Jo

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

What I am finding wierd about this thread is the QUICK AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS BETWEEN THE DIVORCES AND THE REMARRIAGES.

As for me, I have been divorced two months now...and having a ball..DATING SEVERAL PEOPLE.

I didn't do this during college and had one long term bf before marrying my xh.

I've never been happier. I feel like I've been let out of a prison that I locked myself into. While they are great guys, I am just wanting to do what I should have done and dated around more. Sure, I want to settle down again, but not until I clearly define who and what kind of person I want to marry...

And I have to go somewhat with Nellie...remarriage is VERY hard on kids...I oughta know. My xh Jethro recently remarried (like the week after our d was final to his OW) and she's getting ready to give birth. My son is confused and I see it all over his face. Why in the heck DO I WANT TO ADD TO THE PAIN AND CONFUSION OF MY CHILD WHO'S ALREADY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?

One thing I have learned is that I am in control of MYSELF. I can choose whom to date and as of today, my choice is to only date somebody either never married or divorced only once with either one child or no children. I see how difficult it's been when my sweet little guy has been literally thrown into a "pseudo sibling" relationship with my xh's former OW..my son went from being an only child to sharing his bedroom at his dad's house with a boy one year younger than him and suddenly..presto add water...here comes a half sister.

Adultery is cruel and those doing it if they aren't wise..like thinking about the next 18 years if they have offspring from their fling vs. taking the time to buy a condom or take the darn pill.

I am waiting to marry and realize now that I complete me. I don't need anybody to do that for me. I've finally gotten to like who I am now. For so long, I was hurt by the pain of the affairs of my xh. Plus he was verbally and physically cruel towards the end of the M even after the separation occurred initially as well.

I am not going to settle. No way. Not saying anybody above here has, but I am going to wait a minimum of one year before dating one person..My son absolutley knows he comes FIRST in my life and I guess that's why he feels so secure with me.

And my son is learning too about this new thing. Two weeks ago we were watching "the Jeff Corwin Experience" on Animal Planet. He says that he likes Jeff and said that we "should go and get him b/c he'd be a fun dad." My son has even said that "he wants a dad that doesn't have kids so that he could be his only dad". See? Does anybody understand that the Brady Bunch thing is fiction? My son wants to basically inherit a clean slate and start over right along with mom.

I think love is grand. My sincere congratulations to all who have found their partners and gotten over this difficult part in our lives. But the kids are another story.

I am doing my best as a single mom to try to blend what's best for my son and myself. And that would be 1)waiting and not immediatley rushing into a marriage 2)dating around and finding out exactly what it is I want in a husband 3)knowing that my son would have to be also a top priority to my stb new H one day...and 4)having the time of my life and growing.

Just don't forget to those newly divorced or divorcing, that you've been through a serious life change that requires alot of personal reflection.

Jerry Maguire is a movie. It isn't real. The line "you had me at hello... and You Complete Me"
are that..just lines. While I see how my xh is pretending to carry on with this new happy remarriage, I see the real sitch he's in and know he wishes otherwise..but hey, he's the WS and she's the OW.

My desire is that each of us finds that personal happines with that special somebody but that they first develop and enrich the relationship that first existed...that would be the relationship with their kids.

justpeachy,

Just kinda curious...

And I have to go somewhat with Nellie...remarriage is VERY hard on kids

I see how difficult it's been when my sweet little guy
Are you keeping this dating COMPLETELY separate from this sweet little guy?

Don't want him to get attached (even one little iota) to someone until it is semi-serious (like exclusively dating for at least 6 months).

It's much worse on them when mom/dad start dating and they think they are getting a "replacement" for the other, only to have the parent not continue with this person after they have met the kids.

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I was recently remarried 3 yrs after the divorce was final. I am very happy, happier than I have been for alot of years. I have learned so much from MB and work very hard every day to implament what I have learned.

JIll

Posting in response to Resilient, who wrote:

You know Liliane (member #33150), I see you keep responding to posts in advocacy of marriages ending in favor of an affair.

I am not advocate abandoning marriage in FAVOR of an affair. But I was the child of a father who was unfaithful and a mother who remarried soon after, SUCCESSFULLY, to a wonderful man. So often here, I have a big difference of opinion with some people who feel that even a BAD marriage has to endure through it all. Some marriages just can't be fixed, perhaps they shouldn't have happened at all...? Perhaps people often marry too young, and with a second marriage, choose someone with more wisdom and maturity than the first time?

Just my opinion, that some first marriages can be fixed, and it is great if they can. But second marriages shouldn't be denigrated just because they are second marriages.

So often here, I have a big difference of opinion with some people who feel that even a BAD marriage has to endure through it all.
Hmmm? Can’t say I’ve seen much of that (if any) at all.

Then my apologies Liliane.

Much like you, I don't believe all marriages should be saved. There are some severe circumstances which I feel divorce may be the only route, on-going physical abuse is one of them.

I also think that marriages go thru peaks and valleys, that those valleys are the reason we make vows (promises). It's interesting to me that there are so many people (real life or not) that feel a marriage is disposable once things get tough, and once it becomes real work beyond the everyday drudges of life.

Like when a spouse becomes ill or jobs are lost, or when one spouse enters a life's crisis.

Divorce just comes too easy IMHO.

Jo

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

My remarriage has been easier on my kids than my marriage to their father ever was.

First a story about remarriage and children...

Last December, my wife and I attended the wedding of a couple. It is the second marriage for both. They met in the divorce recovery support group we were leading in 2000. They put lots of time and energy into preparing for a second marriage including family counseling with a psychologist who specializes in step families.

The wedding day arrived and the bride's 16 year old son walked her down the aisle and gave her away. The first night back at home with all the kids, she and her husband are getting ready for bed and say goodnight to all the children. Her son, who gave her away, asks if Ron, her husband, is spending the night!

When I first heard this it was very funny, but then I got to thinking about it. As much work and the couple did to prepare themselves and the kids, the one sone really did not grasp the meaning of his mom getting remarried. Children lag their parents by months or even years in the grieving and recovery process.

As for me...
First Marrage was July 1982
Affair Discovered December 25, 1998 (yes Christmas day)
Wife moved out August 1999
Divorce final December 1999
Remarried May 2001

Being a step family is not for the faint of heart. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done. Wife and I are involved with a couple who are building a ministry for step-families. THis has helped a lot with dealing with the issues and struggles we face.

I would agree with the previous posts that it's harder on the kids. THey get so used to the way things used to be and do not handle the change well.

Regards,
Tom

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: ZAPFT ]</small>

justpeachy,

--My son absolutley knows he comes FIRST in my life and I guess that's why he feels so secure with me.

TR--If you ever remarry--this is where your going to have conflicts--either with your son--or your new husband--

Contrary to what most people think--a spouse comes first in a marriage--even second marriages--

And children who are put first in their parents lives--even before their dating and such--have a more difficult time adjusting to second marriages-

Because both your spouse and your son will be competing for your undivided attention--your son because it's what he's always gotten and your new spouse because it's what is required for a healthy and happy marriage--

--My son has even said that "he wants a dad that doesn't have kids so that he could be his only dad".

TR--You should explain to your son at some point that if you ever remarry--Jethro will STILL be his dad--and that his step dad will not 'replace' Jethro--in his life--only in yours--


--See? Does anybody understand that the Brady Bunch thing is fiction?

TR-- I believe with Brady Bunch the two first marriage's ended in the death of one spouse--not divorce--as they never had the past spouse issues

--My son wants to basically inherit a clean slate and start over right along with mom.

TR--this will be impossible--and then what if you and whoever the new husband might be want to have another child? How do you think your son will handle that after being Mom's only for so long??
again your attentions will be divided--

--1)waiting and not immediatley rushing into a marriage

TR--I agree

--2)dating around and finding out exactly what it is I want in a husband

TR--And as you find out--write those qualities down--also make a list of things you don't want in a marriage relationship--you can refer back to your list occassionally and see what traits your new beau may have that are on your yes or no list-it can help prevent you from getting emotionally involved with someone you know has traits you don't want--

--3)knowing that my son would have to be also a top priority to my stb new H one day...

TR--but he shouldn't be the #1 priority for either of you once you re-marry--he should be #2 on both of your's list--

And Zap--Awesome about the Step-Family Ministry--


And in reference to your comment--

--They get so used to the way things used to be and do not handle the change well.--

TR--I agree to a point, it's not that they do not handle change very well--but more they don't realize just how that change is going to effect them personally--

1. This person is now going to be around every night--

2. It will no longer be just them and mom/dad doing their own thing--there will be another person or persons to take into consideration when doing things--

My son who is nine now--thought my new husband was going to take his dad's place and he'd never see his dad again, and that wasn't what he wanted, and it scared him (and rightfully so)

we had to constantly assure him--NO that wasn't going to be the case--he would still see his dad--just like he has been--but that his step dad would be here for him even when his dad isn't around--and he would be here with me when the kids were with their dad--

we had to explain--his dad will ALWAYS be his dad-and nobody could ever replace him or take that relationship away from them--

We discussed those things before we even got married--so that the kids would understand--my children and husband are building their own relationship--while at the same time--my kids and their dad have their own relationship which is seperate--

it's not always easy--because many times when conflict comes up--I see things from BOTH perspectives--and I side with my husband in front of the kids--and then if I have a problem with it he and I discuss it privately--

I explained to my kids as well--that no matter how much I love them--in cases of discipline we will stand together--and if it's something I disagree with--I will discuss it with him--in private--and that I will stand up for them when I feel they are in the right--and because my husband has gone back to them and apologized for things later--they see that I actually do this--and it helps them to feel safe--that they are being heard, and I'm not taking sides--him against them--and helps him know I'm not taking their side over his--

So far it's been working--

I'd like to thank you for that post. My stepfather is so precious to me, and when I hear people deriding the feasibility of second marriages, and step-parent and step-child relationships, and how children are damaged by divorce and remarriage, and won't be able to accept new parents...

I just want to scream. That man put braces on my teeth, taught me how to dance, took care of me when I was sick, and YES, he disciplined me on occasion. And he's every bit as much my father as my natural father. My father remarried his "OW". I was very young, and didn't know about the affair. My mother never said a word. When I asked why they were divorcing, she just said that she and Daddy couldn't live together anymore. She let me build my own relationships. I am grateful to her.
Now, many years later, I actually get along with my father's second wife than I do with him! She's a nice lady, who got involved in a bad thing. But she did the best she could to turn it around. And she was always kind and welcoming to her stepchildren.
My mother and stepfather had custody, so I suppose my strongest memories involve them. But it doesn't mean I didn't love my father and stepmother.

I just saw this Thread come up - yes, I'm on my Second Marriage.
My X married her OM 5 months after we divorced.
I remarried 1 1/2 years later.
My marriage is great, although, like anything worth having, it takes BOTH of us WORKING on it daily. I have baggage from my previous marriage. My current wife was a widow. She also has baggage from her previous marriage.
TOGETHER, we're working it out and deeply in love with each other!
Harold