This is the update of my MIL, SNL's mom or whomever he is now. She was notified by the buyer of her land and property, (the developer) on Friday that they are not waiting any longer for her other house that SNL is living in to get done. So today being Tuesday, the cops came to her door, and banged very aggressively and called out to answer the door. She answered and they said what are you doing. And she said living here while her house gets done. So the police went upstairs looked around and saw that most of the stuff was out, just maybe a truck load, and a washer/dryer and refrigerator. So she is basically out. She has till Friday to get out.

They calmed down, after she told them that she had no where else to live. The situation that her house was not done, the other house.

So tonight, the kids, took a load out of her house and went to the other house, to clean out the bedroom that she is suppose to live in, and clean out the closet in that bedroom, so she has somewhere to put her clothes. She said she was really scared, and shaking. But that after she talked to them and said that she didn't have any control over the situation, that they calmed down. At first they wanted her out now, but luckily they gave her till Friday.

Makes sense, that SNL is going to leave with the kids on vacation Sunday or Monday. And his mother is going to live in the house that she bought, which SNL is living in. The bathroom is not done, and the one that she is going to have to use is smelly. The original owner didn't fix piping and there is a urine smell, and the toilet is disgusting and it was scrubbed, but can't get it clean. The ductwork is not done. So there will be no A/C for her. So SNL will have to buy her a window unit.

This makes me so upset, but I don't have control over SNL or MIL situation. And I have to say, she has allowed SNL to control her and the life she is living now. So I have taken myself out of helping her, for the benefit, it was distressing. And I don't want anymore of the controlling mechanisms SNL has over his mother.

This makes me upset, and I did cry today. I cried for my MIL and having to live like this at the age of 72. I don't see SNL changing, I don't see him caring about anyone but himself.

And to top it off, my daugher going to be 25, was bad mouthing me in front of SNL and the rest of the kids, and SNL didn't do anything about her language. This has been part of the marriage, and the trouble. SNL was not one to tell the kids to be respectful. And again today there was no respect towards me the mother. I did tell the daughter to move out, which I have been telling her for a few weeks. Told her if she doesn't like to follow the rules, there is no need to live here. And the same thing is happening over and over, that she doesn't keep the kitty boxes clean, the birds cage is dirty, and I am tired of her taking me for granted.

While she is going to be gone, I did not offer to take care of the horses. Cause, there is no respect to me, and for once I am going to stand for me. I don't want to take care of the horses. I don't want to do things for her anymore. I don't get the respect, and yeah she answers the phone. Big deal, I was able to answer the phones (business phones) and do the laundry, clean the house, etc. She doesn't help clean, do the laundry. It is time for her to abide by the rules and if she doesn't want to, move out.

This is tough love. And I am tired of being used. She has seen this pattern most of our marriage. Where SNL didn't respect me, and she has followed her fathers path.

Yes, I am stressed to the max. She does't ask me if there is anything that she could do, or how I am feeling. I ask her, and ask if there is anything I could do to help. She has no idea what is going on with my health, and she doesn't bother to ask.

But that is the difference between a giver and a taker. This is called tough love, and I am sorry that this is the way life has turned out.

I am asking for those of you out there, to pray for my MIL. She basically hopes she dies of a heart attack tonight, with the stress. She and I talked a little outside tonight. And I said, please take control, and I love you, and wish that things were different. I told her I will help her, but I have a life too. And she knows that a good friend of mine had serious surgery today. Spinal surgery, and that I am worried about my friend.

This was a very hard thing for her to deal with, the eviction. She didn't cry in front of the police, but she was shaking. So she was strong, but weak and did well. I gave her a hug, and said I love you.

faith4me,

You know I believe in giving people chances but this has gone too far. Your grown children will never respect you until you start doing what you say you are going to do. They pay no attention to you because you don't carry thru own your threats.

Give your daughter a date to be out and stick to it. You DO NOT have to support her. One call to the police and she has to go. She will be considered trespassing. You say this is hard to do. I know it is hard to do, I had to do it with my 20 year old. He kept promising to follow the rules and would for a while. THen we would end up right back where we were. Him trying to tell me what to do and talking to me very disrespectful.

The situation with my son was causeing promblems for me and my husband because it was the old me still not doing what I was suppose to be doing.

Your daughetr will not change until you change. God has plenty say about children that disrecpect their mother's. Your daughter is adult. She will never start acting like an adult until you make her grow up by putting her out. She will continue to abuse you. You must take a stand.

This is hard thing to do but, in time the relationship between you two will grow. She has to learn what life is all about before she will appreciate what you do for her and what she has.
SNL is not going to do this. This is your home now not his. This is your job now.

You are letting your grown children run all over you just like your MIL let's her son run all over her. Her problem could be fixed by doing the same thing. She needs to have SNL evicted or if he is not a renter, have him removed. She can get someone else to fix the house. SNL will keep taking advantage of her as long as she lets him.

The way your grown children are treating you and the way SNL is treating her is not love. Love will not come until these situations are changed. In time both will learn respect for their mothers.
But if the two of you don't take a stand, NOTHING will change.

Give them a reason to respect you, do what you say your are going to do. Respect yourself enough to make a change.

I know I am being hard on you. My husband had to be hard with me to help me see how I was letting my son treat me. He has his own place now and things are getting better. I had to let him go by making him go. When I started standing my ground, things changed. I had to start doing what I said I was going to do.

I say all this out of love. I would like to see things start turning around for you, but you are the one that has to do something. You cannot shame the children or SNL into doing anything. Your crying and going on about it , just makes them become worse. Stop letting all them push your buttons or you are going to lose your mind.

Please do as I had to do and stand your ground and trust God to take care of you and them.

gentle(maybe not so gentle right now, sorry had to get tough with you)

Faith4me,

I agree totally with Gentle's reply to you. From someone who has been in a very similar situation, and had to learn Gentle's advice to you the hard way, do something about your childrens disrepect for you now.

In a lot of ways you are allowing your children to treat you the same way you think SNL is treating his mother and the same way he treats you.

I won't even go into everything my two oldest children have put me through. The disrespect being the least of it. I blamed myself for the longest time, believing that I must have done something wrong in raising them to make them treat me this way.

It's hard I know... to let your children go. But you have to for them and yourself. My children still get upset when something in their lives goes wrong and Mom won't "fix" it like she used to.

I have told them both that I love them and will always love them, but they are both grown now and I can not sacrifice my life... financially, emotionally and physically for them anymore.

It's hard to do and I waiver sometimes. But then I remember how much I have done for them both and how much I have given up and lost because of it.

Your children are grown now and it's time for them to sink or swim. All you can do is hope the instinct to swim kicks in. They will never learn to stand on their own and accept the responsibility for their own lives as long as you continue to enable them.

So do it for yourself and do it for them. Make a stand that you are no longer going to let anyone abuse you in any way and stick to it.

You will all be better off for it in the long run.

The feelings are strong of giving her a deadline. How do you react when x-hsuband tells the kids that I am the bad person. That if only I would cooperate. When does the disrepect quit. When does he say yes, your mother has a good position. You are not doing what was agreed upon when you moved back in. You are not helping around the house. When does he say, take responsibility for living in your mothers house and helping out. But SNL tells me our oldest daughter is working hard getting her website going. I agreed, she is working hard. But life does not stop there. Life does not stop and say, that is the only thing in my life that I will do. If she was in her own place, there is cleaning, laundry, cooking to be done. Bills to pay, which daddy is paying.

I am surviving by trash diving, going around on trash days and picking stuff up. Found a home that I made 2 van loads. Taking and painting and selling items. My life is not a bowl of cheeries. It is a rock of sharp edges. I have been burned and continously feeling the sharp edges. Plus my health has gone down in the last 2 1/2 weeks. Stress really takes a toll on ones body, and I have the physical deteriation now.

How do I tell my daughter things have to be remedied now. Give me the words to say to her. And what period of time do I give her. And how do I deal with SNL words over me, where he puts me down in front of the kids. And tells the kids that they don't have to pay me anything to live here? The scenario in my life, yes, SNL has controlled me my whole marriage. SNL has controlled the kids and still does. SNL knows this fact, but refuses to admit it. He also told me to not to address him that him has having an affair. He said not to say that word. When does he give up the control.

MIL and I talked last night, and she wants to give up on life. She said she hopes to die of a heart attack last night. I said, no you have to stay around, and see the beautiful house that she will have. I told her, the only way that you will have the house you want, is to do the only thing. And get SNL out of your house. She is scared of her son. She stated that to me, and that has been her problem most of her life. SNL has controlled her life most of his life. And I can remember the time SNL and I were living in another state, and his mother wanted to put a reddish color carpet in her living room. She called to tell SNL, and he said no, she was crazy and such. She did it anyway, and when we went to her house, he criticized the carpet. I thought she did a beautiful job, of selecting the walllpaper, decorating it all went together in blues and reds. But, cause she went beyond his words, he criticized.

That is the same with me. I put a big dog pen up for our one dog. I hated to see him tied up to a post. I worked several weeks, and it is a huge area partially in the wooded part partially in the sunny grassy area. SNL didn't help me, cause he didn't agree from day one. When it was done, he still didn't give me positive recognition. But finally a few years later, he said it was a good idea. And just like the wall by the front door. My dad helped me, cause the west wind would blow to the front door, and the snow would end of heavy against the door. My dad suggested putting a wall up, and SNL said no, that if I did it he would tear it down. Now I did ask SNL first, and he said no. But I did it anyway with my father, and the wall never got torn down, cause SNL finally realized that it was a grand idea. The snow and wind no longer piled up against the front door. And it ended up being quite useful.

SNL didn't have respect for my common sense. And that caused problems. I had some good senses. And I could state others like the car that someone saw sitting in the yard and asked to buy it. SNL said no. We never used it, and finally the junk people came and got it. Money gone that we could of used.

A controller has a hard time letting go. And wants the recognition for everything. SNL knows that I have had a grand ideas. Just like he has done quite a bit of wonderful things in our lives.

Now he has to let go and give his mother control of her house. This is her house, not his. And he is causing more stress on her than should be done. She is a could person, with a great eye for color and ideas. I wish that SNL would change, and see his mother for who she is, and be a compassionate person.

Give me advice on how to tell my daughter that I am done giving in. I want to take control, and if it causes great amount of stress, so be it. I have to take control of my house and surroundings. She has to abide, and if not, then she pays the consequences. Hellp me.

You need to read some of Takola's posts on EN.
You do not "react", you should "respond".
Reacting means the other person controls you.
Responding means setting appropriate boundaries.

I don't know what to tell you other than get out of this situation.
Draft a contract for living in your home. Explain LBs to your children. If they won't follow the contract, evict them. Also, begin to charge rent. Just because SNL says they don't have to pay to live there, doesn't mean that they don't.
Ask your DD if she wants to live in the other house? She's seen how filthy it is.

Get some backbone.
And find a senior center for your MIL. I'm sure they have free or low cost counseling - she seems to need it.
Good Luck. You keep getting yourself caught up in the drama. Stop it. BOUNDARIES.

Do not respond to SNL's comments. They are coming from someone you don't respect. Ignore them.

Newly - well, I did do one thing. I told my oldest daughter that if she doesn't want to keep her promises, out. I am not cooking this week, youngest son is at band camp, and I see no reason to cook. Everyone here is old enough to fend for themselves.

I have given her a chance to apolotgize, but not happening. Life is tough, and I am moving on. With or without the kids, my life goes on. Yes, SNL buys for the kids, pays for things, and daughter asks dad for money, he gives. But that doesn't mean she is to be disrespectible to me.

I did help MIL a little today. I told her I hate going over there when SNL is there. Like today the counter people were there. He asked MIL and I a question on what to do with the opening and edging. He asked, we gave our opinion, and he ignored it and said do it his way. Just more of the control. I personally don't like the opening the way he did it. It would of been much nicer, to put a antique shelf there, and surround it with antique trim or something. Looks odd with the countertop color coming through the opening. But hey, he wanted it, that little piece cost his mother $250.00. And I don't think it is worth it. This house is not a better homes and garden. And she could of used the $250 elsewhere. But that is part of the control.

MIL is getting things moved out. She is ordering a new bed. And I put a ad in the paper for her waterbed and some of her other things. Will be out for 10days. So hope to get rid of the bed for her and other things.

I love this woman, but I am drawn into this situation cause this was my hsuband. And it hurts to see how he treats her with disrespect. I am untieing the bonds I had towards my husband little by little. It is hard, but it is happening. One day he will have his new lover in his life again, it could be his bimbo. But whomever, will find that he is a controller and he hates for others to tell him what to do. Plus he hates to say he is sorry. That is another aspect of a controller.

Just like him telling me not to tell him he had an affair. What else do you call it. A woman friend that he went to bed with, or a woman friend that he did the Bill Clinton thingy with. Or what. Yes, he made friends, and screwed his life up. And could of ruined both of our lives with STD or AIDS.

But once again he doesn't want to admit his failure, and that is sad. All of us are failures, no one is perfect. He has done many things that were positive, and he has done many things that were negative. I failed in many ways, not giving him enough attention, not being sexually adequate for him, not adoring him enough. But I am learning and now I know that I am a good person, and that I am a loving kind woman, who is passionate and caring. I am smart and want to be someone special, and care for people who are ill.

MIL doesn't give a da*n about her life. Which is sad. She is negative, and SNL doesn't see why. But hey, even the police said this was not the way for a woman of her age to live. She has been scared for months that this would happen. And SNL sloughed it off. Well, SNL was wrong, it happened, and she was so scared, but didn't cry. Which was good. She said she was too scared to cry, just trying to keep calm and trying to explain the situation to the police that she has no where to live.

So I am proud that she didn't cry, and I am proud that she talked to the police and calmed them down. They were very aggressive and barged into the house after she opened the door. It scared the crap out of her, but she knew she did nothing wrong.

Lifeis moving ahead, and I am moving ahead. I just want to find myself, and get a good job and get organized and know where I am going. Not easy at this age, and having a disability. Might have to qualify for disability and see what happens. And who knows, I may sue SNL for personal damages. Could happen, if I do not get any better. I am off of VIOXX (anti-inflammatory) for awhile. I have gastro problems and is a medicine that they said to get off of. So the inflmmation has risen, and I feel it every day. Been tired, and just wore out.

But I am moving ahead, and I believe that I will find my spot in life. Don't know if SNL will ever be in my life again. But I do love him, and what happens happens.

Faith,

SNL is right, the grown children do not have to pay you anything to live there but, truth is you don't have to let them live there either. YOur daughter has had enough time to save money for her on place but why should she? She just has to let you take care of everything and if you don't she tells daddy.

What do you say to her? Say, go by the rules I have and pay the amount of rent I say or get your own place. I am sure daddy will help her when she has no place to go. This not going to stop until you do something.

You and your MIL need to realize, you do not have to provide a home for your children once they are 18 years old. If they don't leave all you have to do is call the police and say they are not welcome there and they will be made to leave. You are telling your MIL to get SNL out, but you are not taking your own advise.

Your children are never going to respect you as long as you are looking to SNL to make them respect you. NOTHING is going to change in your life until you make changes. I was afraid of my osn when he drank he got mean. I finally had to call the police and have it fix where all I had to do was call them if he wouldn't leave and they would come and get him for trespassing.

None of this was easy for my to do. It broke my heart, but I had to do it for myself. He just moved 2 weeks ago and our relationship has already started getting better. He now knows I will not put up with his disrespect any more.

SNL may be very angry at his mother at first but in time there relationship will improve. The same is same is true for you Faith.

Stop worrying what SNL says about you and what you are doing or not doing. Who cares what he says? You should only be concern about how you feel about yourself. It doens't matter what SNL says. Know who you are and what you are about and stand on that. You are never going to change the ones involved, you can only change the situation.

You are the only one that can do this. Stop waiting around for SNL to do the right thing. You do the right thing and gain the respect of your grown children.

gentle

On the mil issue. Is she capable of making phone calls and doing some work on her own behalf?

If so, she is capable of calling some social service agencies to see if there is some sort of housing program for which she might qualify.

If she is not capable of making the calls and doing the paperwork, you could assist her. She may be 72 but, unless she has some form of dementia, she can probably do some things for myself. The man who should have been my stepfather was able to live by himself, pay his own bills, deal with his investments, and drive until only a few months before he died of cancer at the age of 89. It may be a matter of how dependent she chooses to be.

As for the daughter, you are an adult. You can tell her that you think she is being disrespectful, you can walk off, you can leave her wherever she is with no ride home and let her figure it out.

<small>[ August 13, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Faith4me,

Tell your daughter she has until the end of Aug to find some place else to live..if she hasn't then on Sept. 1st call the police and ask they come remove her from the premises..

As for your EX-MIL--suggest she do the same w/ her son..it's her home..he's a grown man..let him decorate his own home the way HE wants it..she could just tell the workers ignore him..do what I said I wanted..or you don't get paid..end of discussion..and maybe she should make her son pay the $250.00 for the counter she didn't want..

while he's away at work why don't the two of you pack his things up and set them on the front porch???

You keep saying your ex-mil is negative..re-read your own posts...you sound pretty negative yourself..

And for heaven's sakes...IGNORE WHAT YOUR EX SAYS!! He is YOUR EX --He can no longer control you in anyway shape or form..unless YOU GIVE HIM THAT CONTROL!!!

I'd suggest you find yourself a great counselor..

Is the house her house? Is she paying for it? If so and she is letting son walk all over her, she needs to get a little backbone. Or get the chiropractor to adjust it for her.

(Or maybe you can ignore me - I'm pmsing tonight.)

Well, we all survived the power outage. Was kind of a wierd situation, I was in line with MIL for 3 hours at a gas station, saw anger, kindness, and urgency. Police called out twice, a fight started and another time a service truck was pushing his way in front of the line. Many people got out and stood in front of him and he inched his way forward pushing the humans. Police took and arrested both of the men, towed the truck away.

MIL will be in her house maybe tonight.

Yes, this is MIL house. She bought the property, the house the whole thing. Yes, SNL found it and wants finder fee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , is this compassion for his mother! SNL will be living with her. The house is not by all means finished. Bathroom that is suppose to be finished, we will see what condition it is in when he leaves for vacation.

As SNL will be leaving tomorrow on a VACATION, with 2 kids maybe 3, to COLORADO, his mother is left with the house the way it is. He tells all of us, just do what I say, if everyone would cooperate. He has had 3 years to get his stuff out of the garage, get the house done for his mother. Then why isn't the house done properly, and she can move into a house that is completed? Procrastination is the evil above evils.

Yes, she needs to get some backbone. She just wants to bury her head in the sand.

I am moving on, and looking at SNL as a troubled man. He has no human live friends, he can talk to you all here. He needs your help in many ways. Yes, he likes to phylosophy, and argue and debate. So let him do what he wants. Let him control another, that is what he wants in life. That is why our marriage didn't work. Control is SATANS avenue, and he is following that path. I wanted a marriage that I was treated equal. Felt equal, and felt like he loved me, for whom I am.

I love my MIL, but feel this woman is in need of getting some backbone. She says she doesn't want SNL to control her life anymore, she needs to show us this is what she wants. We will see what she does. He has taken over 1/2 of the house with his things. I can't do anything about it, just be supportive to his MIL. And tell SNL he is doing a good job on the kitchen, which turned out beautifully.

I was out last night with a group of christians, getting more and more involved in my church. We had a great time with discussing relationships, and I was able to express my concern about MIL life and x-husbands control mechanisms. We had a psychologist that helped with our concerns and how God works wonders. Afterwards it was fun being out with people who have compassion and we had a late snack and water at a restaurant. No restaurant is serving pop, cause water is not safe to drink at this time out of the faucet. To hear this group talk in words of empathy, compassion to each other, hugging, and praising the Lord. It was awesome.

My son asked me before I left where I was going, and he was a little cocky about the company I was going to be with. I said to son, I am proud to be among christians and of my church. I love this group of people, we talk, phylosophy, show compassion, and read the WORD. I said, if you were to be in a group of this sort, I would be happy and proud of you. So I would like the respect returned. Then I said, I will be back when I get back, but I assume I will be late.

He and the rest of the kids were going out to the movies and dinner with dad. So I told him have a good time tonight. But more of what they have seen in our marriage, and still the disrespect. He sees church as of no importance in life.


I do pray for SNL. And until he faces the fact that he has problems, he will be the controller he is.

Well, got to get MIL and go get stuff ready for the garage sale this coming weekend. Hope to get money, need it on both our parts.

The wakeup call for the United Nations was the outage of power. And I believe it was terrorist influence in some way. But like Bush said, we need to be more aware and prepared. This showed how vulnerable we are, to a crisis situation.

I attended church again tonight, first class of 4. Was really a informative class, with great deal of intellect of what is our purpose in life. I asked many questions, and was proud to be saying my thoughts. Pastor came to me after, and said you seem happy tonight. I expressed that I have been praying for guidance with the Lord, feeling the power starting. I have a friend about 1 1/2 hours away. She called last night, and we talked for almost 2 hours. Talked about religion, facing our Lord, and our failures. She and I prayed and I asked for guidance and she is a very strong christian.

I now have my calendar all scheduled for my classes, starting Sept. 4. Am happy to be back in school, and on a mission, not sure what the mission is, but a mission of (ME) finding myself.

Life has many ups/downs, that strengthen us in our daily walk. Like pastor told the story of his love for his wife, and the pregnancy of their 3rd child. She was born without a smile. The Lord prepared them, unknowingly, and when she was born, the money came unsuspectably to pay for intensive care (neonatal), and they were prepared for many years of surgery. This is trusting the Lord, and tonight I am filled with Love towards my Father. This is awesome, wish I could be up here every day. But the down periods are what make us stronger.

Goodnight, taking meds for the nights, and off to beddy bye.

<small>[ August 17, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>