Well, he warned me he was going to not pay this month and next month.....and he didn't.

I am trying to trust God that he will provide, but I am still waking up worrying.

What do I have to do now? I sent for forms from the Department of Family Services...in this mess of school I can't locate them. It is like a book you have to fill out. Has anyone done this before? It is so discouraging.

THe other day I was reading a thread about getting child support through his retirement pay...and I misplaced that also. Can you tell how hard it has been with school starting??? I hate being this disorganized--but we have major paper overload here this week.

Anyway, I can't find the thread that talked about it. Did anyone else see it? Thanks Pat

I usualy post on the OW/OC BB, but I check here periodically. Your post called to me.
I am the wife of 20 year military officer. If you are in MO, are you near a military base?
If you are then go in to see a JAG officer take your divorce decree and see if there is someone there who can help file to get it directly from his retirement pay.
Since you were married his whole career, you should have been entitled to one half of his retirement for your self. did you get that?
Then he should pay CS for the children under 18 unless it was specified that he pay thru age 23 to get them thru college. Did you get that?
Don't let him get away with this.
Get help for your kids dealing with their feelings over this situation. There is a book out there called PRIVATE LIES that talks about how cheating, like abuse, continues thru to the children. In spite of how they are affected, children who have a parent who cheats have a greater chance of cheatng themselves.
Your priority is to get what he should be paying you and his children.
Take care. I will check back on you. Why? Because I could have been in your shoes, and with the grace of God, my H learned how stupid he was and got his head straight.

Later,
Texasgirl

Pat,

Go to base finance and they will give you the address taht you need for DFAS to file for child support against his retirement.

Go to Johnson county sheriff, he is going against a court order, he could be arrested!!! And should be, you don't just decide not to do what a court order says.

Family support Center on base should be able to help and give you some ideas. Too bad if he get embarassed!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Too bad if he get embarassed! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN!

It is NOT about retaliation or humiliation... it is about your children's well-being.

Cali

Pat, You've gotten excellent advice! Please don't feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed by the paperwork. Trusting in God is great, but remember, God helps those who helps themselves, so it's ok to be proactive when it comes to taking care of yourself and your kids. Don't get discouraged. You're dealing with a lot and you're doing great.

Pat,

How are you doing?

Pat,

How are you doing?

L.

Hi Orchid, Sing,Daybreak, Cali, LetSTry,

Thank you all for your posts. I am sorry I haven't been on since I last posted.

Still have not received any money. I found my packet of materials that have to be filled out for Family Support Services. I am going to work on that tonight.

It has been a long emotional week. I really don't know how I am going to pay bills. Obviously, he is not going to send anything this month at least. I still need to figure out a way to pay tuition, and start up school expenses. My bills are just going to have to wait. I have dropped the kids piano lessons, I may have to drop soccer--because I can't afford these trips to the city.

Last week my kids had tons of college soccer scrimmages--so ended up driving to the city 3 times last week. Saturday, my son had his first game up there-so drove up there for that. My oldest daughter had 4 games at her university on Saturday & it was her 20th birthday. My ex and his bimbo were there with her for that. He gave her a check for $100.00 for her birthday.
It was stressful for me, because we had decided to go over to visit her and celebrate her birthday with her too. He learned that and decided to go before we could get there. She was adament she wanted us to come up. So...after my son's game I drove over and managed to catch her last game.

He has got all the kids in an emotional turmoil. He is stuggling so hard to justify himself....and he is trying so hard to get them to attend his wedding.

I don't know what to do about that. Not one of the kids have told me they want to go. He planned the wedding for his father's birthday...typical. He scheduled it for that weekend because he thought they had Monday off for Columbus's birthday--which we don't have off. The wedding is for 3:00 on Sunday afternoon at Eglin AFB in Florida. He didn't check the kids schedules. My oldest daughter has a college soccer game that Saturday, my other two daughters have a tournament in KC that weekend--4 games each that weekend, My son has a game on Sunday at 3.

Now, I know why my ex was so adament about not changing weekends for the Nebraska tournaments. He has already figured out that he has the kids that weekend. He is planning on taking them to Florida for the wedding.

Can he do that? Can he take them out of state without approval from me? Can he have them skip school? It is going to be a hassle.

Not only that...but I really don't want the kids condoning this immoral relationship. His behavior with her for the last two years has been horrid. The emotional pain and hurt have devastated us as a family. They are getting married in a church---if the kids go---what are they witnessing......I guess I am just old fashioned. I think it is wrong.

He did not consider the kids at all when planning this wedding. He has the kids this year for almost two weeks after Christmas--why didn't he plan his wedding then? It is because it wasn't about them--only him...and pleasing his dad. Pretty sad.

My ex is in full blast trying to convince the kids that I caused all the problems in our marriage. He is trying to convince them that I had emotional affairs all through our marriage. It is bizarre...I am so tired of dealing with this. He is trying to convince my son to move in with him and his bimbo. It is a mess. I am trying hard not to play the game anymore...and just tell the kids that it is all lies. They know better...I hope.

I am trying to detach myself from the emotional crap of this mess. But, he is constantly pulling strings. He called on Friday night asking to talk to my two youngest. They weren't home--they were at a swimming party and sleepover at my good friends home. I told him they weren't home, and if I could take a message. He said "Fine...another time noted that will be reported to my lawyer. You are obstructing me from talking to my kids." I started to tell him they could call him when they got home--but he had already hung up the phone. Same ole, same ole. It sure gets old tho. I am worn out.

I am going to try to pursue this through Family Services. I am going to contact my lawyer about the wedding weekend and see what he says. I don't have much faith in either one....that is sad too.

I am loosing the joy of living....each day seems to be just more problems. That is sad.

I appreciate all your advice and concern in your posts. Thank you all so much. It is hard to find someone who will listen and understand anymore. I really do feel that everyone thinks I should be beyond this by now. You can definitely tell who has been through this and who hasn't. It is hell on earth. Pat

Dear Texasgirl,

Thank you so much for your post. I didn't know the JAG would help with that. I will look into that this week.

I worked on DFS forms all evening. It is a book that they want. Gees....

I almost got all of it filled out. Just have to have a form notarized and lots of copies of things made....and then turn it in.

I do get half of his retirement. He is also supposed to pay 1/2 of the kids' medical expenses and their dental and medical insurance. He hasn't paid any of that. It really is sad. Divorce makes people ugly.

The sad part is that I did love and support him all through his military career. It is incredible how horribly he has treated me--especially now. I really don't understand. I guess he is still trying to justify to everyone why he did what he did. Amazing.

Sorry to hear you were here once. I hate it that anyone has to go through this mess.

Thank you again for the advice about the JAG. I never would have thought to try with them. He was a LT. Col--so he still gets a pretty hefty retirement sum--even after my half.

It wouldn't be so bad, but we have lost everything because of his choices. I still owe him $20,000 from the equity in this house, he destroyed our credit rating so I can't refinance, I don't have a credit card because he closed them all and now I can't get one, and now he isn't paying me child support. He evidently has to save his money for his wedding in Florida in Oct. Yuck. He is still spending money wildly....he told my son tonight that he was taking him boating next Sunday and Monday...amazing.

He has the money, he just doesn't want to pay it. How sad.

Thanks for posting. Pat

Oh, MNM, I had hoped since I didn't see you on General for a few monthes, things had turned out well for you! Now, one late night, couldn't sleep, and here you are. Found you through your reply to Nezy.
I am so sorry your XH is doing this to you. What is so odd is they,(XH), don't realize they are not just hurting you, but their own children. He can't come up with child support, but can spend a few hundred on a boating weekend! Incredible. I have been re-married for ten years and haven't had a cent of child support for 9 of them. So I understand. But, as my children mature, they understand more and more of who is REALLY there for them. Who puts food on the table and clothes them, etc.
I think you are an incredibly strong person and I respect the fact that you are caring for your children,(And ours, as a teacher), and not sitting in a corner crying in shock. You are going to make it lady, and some day, look back on this time as a blessing. I really think God has somebody special out ther waitng just for you. When your ex finally comes to his senses and realizes just who and what he lost, he'll come crying to you and I think at that point you just might be in a position to laugh in his face, flip him off, and say, "Been there, Done that, and NO THANK YOU!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Stay strong......... cherrie

<small>[ September 08, 2003, 02:57 AM: Message edited by: cherise ]</small>

Hey Cherise,

Thank you for the post. Yes, unfortunately, I am still here--often still trying to get advice. Seems like everyday he hits me with something new.

He still hasn't paid his August and September child support. He did purchase a new boat cover tho and took my son boating two days this past weekend.

His lawyer sent me another whining letter last Friday. Guess I will have to respond to that--he is still trying to get the kids to attend his big wedding down in Florida in Oct. Not if I can help it. The kids have a lot of obligations here that weekend and no time off of school. He sure wasn't thinking of them when he planned this gala event. Pretty sad.

Outside of that, just keeping extremely busy. Usually I am too pooped to even get on much anymore. I appreciate your post tho...wish I felt strong. I am just tired of it all. Pat

Hey Pat, been off for awhile, kids in school, subbing myself, and working on getting new house for us. Last House for our family for next 10 years we hope. We are not moving again until my "baby" graduates from HS in 8 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
don't let his games get to you. As far as a credit card, if you want one, you might go to a bank and see if you can get a secured one. There are websites for people trying to build credit after this mess. do you have anyone in your family who could /would co-sign note for your home or a new home for you and your children? You might go that route.
You might also see it a lawyer would take your case and take your ex to court. The lawyer might take you on a contingency, then push for judge to make your ex pay for your lawyer. I know when I talked to a lawyer, she told me she would go for having my H pay the bill.
that's another thing, my brothers told me to find the MEANEST WITCH OF A LAWYER I could find.Only another woman would look after my interests. A man doesn't always look out for a woman, unlesss he has a personal ax to grind.
See if a lawyer will meet with you for free to discuss your case. Some will do this for an hour or 30 min. That way you can see if he/she is what you want and if they want to take your case.
One other thing, go the Pg/OC BB and post for CD Collins. She is in law school and has been a be legal help for others there.
Good luck, will be keeping an eye for you

Texasgirl

But you are strong, MNM. And you have really been through the hardest part. The divorce. My first H, the father of my boys,and I split up after 12 years! I had been with him since I was 16. And now I rarely give him a passing thought! Really. My life is so much BETTER now. It just took time.
He left with all our savings and retirement and as far as I know, never looked back. He has not seen the boys in 11 years. It was VERY hard on all of us, but in the end, I would not be the woman I am today if he had stayed.
He was military too. Came home from Korea shortly before he left. An 18 month hardship tour. When he came home he was a totally different person.
Today I have no idea where he is, or even if he is even alive, but if he is, he has missed the best thing there is in life... the love and respect of his children. I have that. He lost it.
Kids are smarter then you give them credit for. THEY KNOW. No matter how we try to protect and shelter them, they DO see and understand. And it all comes up in the end. Believe me.
I was a foster parent for 8 years. I had a boy and a girl who were not just with me for the usual month or two, but for 5 or 6 years. They were siblings and the boy turned 19 while still in my care. He found a good job and decided to get married while still there. I helped plan and execute their wedding. AT the wedding he introduced me as his mother to everyone, although she was present. I felt bad for her, but maybe if she had chosen her child over drugs he would have felt for her as he did for me and my family. It is the true caring parent who comes out on top in the end!
Your H will find this out. Hopefully not to late. Please STAY STRROONGGG!!!!!

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: cherise ]</small>

Dear Texasgirl and Cherise,

Thank you for your posts. I hope I eventually get to the point where I feel like life is not just one huge disappointment. I am sure not there yet.

I am dating a nice man...but it is just not the same....and I really don't want anything too involved at this point. My head is still too messed up at this point.

I am still disappointed and hurt that our marriage failed. Actually, I don't think it was ever what I wanted it to be...but it is still disapointing to me. I am still struggling to move on.

The financial aspect of my life currently sucks for want of a better term. I am working my tail off and don't have any means of improvement.

I guess I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel...and as a goal oriented person--that is depressing to me.

I do have four great kids. I am sorry they are in the middle of this whole mess. I know they are tired of it too.

Oh well...have to run and start some dinner. Thank you for your responses...I welcome any insight people might be able to give me on this mess. Pat

Just a funny thought, have you ever thought of letting your husband have your children fulltime right now. If he isn't going to pay child support, he can let them live with him and provied for school, soccer, social lives, et cetera. He would also, as well as his new love, have to deal with their animosity over the way he and she have screwed over their mother and "ruined" their lives.
I told my H if he left me for his OW, he would have custody of out then 16 and 17 year old sons.
My boys would have driven that young woman crazy. They would not have listened to her, been rude, and if pushed far enough the elder one would have threatened her with physical violence.
Or, come on to her, she was only 7 years older than he. Luckily this never happend to us.
Maybe in this scenario, he might pay you to take them back. I know it would be hard to give them up.

Just a thought.

Texasgirl

I love it...what a funny idea!!!!!

Thanks for the smile....Pat

Pat,
What has your lawyer said about him not paying? Have you went to the state with it? Don't they have child support enforcement in MO? Did you go to DFAS to have his retirement pay garnished? I know it's alot to do with work and all, but you need the money and he needs to pay!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Dawn,

How are you? Yes, I filed with the state a week or so ago. I received a letter from them today that they have assigned me a counselor and opened a case for me. The letter said that it would take 6 weeks to 8 weeks to get things set up. I am going to call them tomorrow.

I don't know what I will do for bills this month. Pray, I guess. I get my first ck Sept 20th-will use that to pay the home equity loan and the house payment. The rest of the bills will come from the retirement fund-as far as that will go. Then who knows?

I am going to call my banker tomorrow and tell him the house payments will be paid off the 20th. I would put this house up on the market, but it really needs work inside, and I am afraid I will loose thousands without fixing it up.

I am out of ideas tho. I haven't gone to the milary yet, because Child Support Center told me to go through them. They made it sound like it would be a conflict of interest. If I can break away during school, I think I will call them anyway.

I have to run to bed...I am really beat. Another challenging year in Spec. Ed---I
love the kids, but hate the rest. I am so tired I can hardly see straight. Thanks for checking in--you guys help so much. Thanks again Pat

You mention you are a Special Ed teacher. Have you thought of moving to another State for a job?
The reasong I ask, is first of all in Texas there is not income Tax. You only pay UNCLE. Second, there are jobs here, exp in SP ED, with bonuses for those teachers. In my district I believe it is a $3000 bonus, starting salaries are 35,000 for new teachers. I think it is close to 45,000 ( I will verify that) for 15 years. Just a thought esp if you are going to have to sell your house.
I wonder if you would qualify for a VA loan if you also qualify for half of his retirement?

I still think you ought to tell him you are going to send him all of the kids since he isn't paying child support. After all they need a roof over their heads which is going to be lost now since he isn't paying CS.
I wonder how fast he'd come up with a check.
He is in Fla? Why don't you write a letter to the AG there? contact the co he works for?
Just brainstorming.
If you want tell me when you might be on next and I'll post my email address so you can mail me

Texasgirl.

I checked on salary for teachers in our district, hot Houston school district, but a suburb.
A teacher with 20 years experience would earn 47853,w/MA-47986, w/Phd-48186.
A teacher with 25 years would make 51125 w/BA
w/MA - 53325, w/Phd-54525.

What's the pay like up in MO?

Funny, I sub and most of classes are in sp Ed. I am planning to get certified in Generic SpEd at this stage of my life. Imagine being 51 going into a classroom fulltime for the first time.
I have been a stay at home mom. I started subbing for 5.5 years.
I like it. Want my own class.

Texasgirl