Any ideas of how to tell your spouse you’re filing for divorce? I’ve done Plan A, did a modified Plan B under S. Harley’s guidance. I’ve been going with my husband to a new counselor, but he won’t remove the books from the house by the end of August which is what he agreed to in the very beginning of July.

I’ve kept asking the questions and getting the same answers. My husband doesn’t want to change, and I can’t live with him as is. I’ve made many changes and am willing to make more, but certain things I can’t accept and be peaceful, let alone happy and in love.

We’re simply incompatible. And for the record, his way works really well for him, but not at all for me. And he won’t consider my way, so there we are.

Oh how about this e-mail:

Dear Husband,

You’re charming, intelligent, and fun. But, I can’t stand living with you. So I’m giving you a heads up to expect the divorce papers in about two weeks. Hope we can still be friends.

Cordially,

Your soon to be ex-wife

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

My X whimped out, she did not tell me,
she told her lawyer to tell my lawyer i am being served papers. . . and so I went to my lawyers office and the reason he explained to me was one count of cruel and emotional abuse,

Have some more dignity than that. . .

I say, you tell him in a counselor's office,
and yuo make sure that you have ONE good reason. . . of your own personal reason.. . .
about you, not about him. . . although he can draw his own conclusion, because this reason will also come back to you through your kids. . .

and that has to be believable/understandable with your kids, as they are the ones that will live with its implications longer and be effected more. .

just my experience. . .

wiftty

Greengables - I'm sorry to hear the news.

You certainly have had patience. More so than my H. He told me he wanted a D then two weeks later said he had seen a lawyer and I would recieve papers. I have not seen the papers and since I feel apart when this all happened (had to go on meds etc)and asked him to not go further until I could regroup, I don't know when they will come.

Does your H not expect this after all your time without seeing any results? Surely it can't be a surprise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I guess such a drastic step is never just a formality.

You don't want to tell him face to face? Mine had it in a letter to me, but we ended up talking about it face to face. As painful as this was, it gave me the opportunity to see his face and for him to see the horrible pain this caused me. Important I think. After all, we are talking about a family being devastated.

Your case is so different from mine in terms of time frame, but I imagine the emotions are the same. Facing the end of what was looking into the unknown. Wow, that s...ks.

Whatever happens I hope it gives you a sense of moving towards something you have decided is in your best interest.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Don't do what my x did. Told me on our way to dinner- with children in back seat- that he had seen an attorney. That was the last I heard for several weeks/months until I heard him talking on the phone to his sister. He was in the children's room and the baby monitor transmitter was on. I was in the kitchen by the receiver. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Thanks all. Wiftty, would “I cannot live with situation X any more” count? B. won’t address situation X until he moves the books out of the house. That was supposed to happen by the end of August, but he “forgot” all about our agreement. I put it in quotations not because he was lying but because it slipped his mind for a reason. Freud lived for this stuff.

I just spoke with Lee Raffel of “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” fame. She invented the Controlled Separation. She gave me a free 30 minute consult because my situation interested her. I think it fits in with a new book she’s writing.

Anyway, I’m considering trying the controlled separation. I like it a little better than Plan B. And everything in the separation contract is in writing. And signed by all three of us.
She’s claims a 85% non-divorce rate. But, she’s not adverse to divorce. And she seems a very good diagnostician. I can’t afford 2 months just for the counselor to figure out B. agrees to stuff with no intention of following through.

I’m sleeping on the whole thing for two nights. I think I’ll go to the Library this weekend to check in.


And Cinderella, I would NEVER have that discussion in front of the children. Or tell my sister first!

And Nam, he'll be totally shocked even though he's been saying for two years "You've obviously made up your mind." Funny how he said that long before it was true.

I must say doofus's communcation style hasn't changed. He's still as poor a communicator as ever.

Fortunately there was no discussion when he announced he had seen an attorney. It was very veiled and vague. I asked how his day was. He stated he had met with someone who went to graduate school for 4 years. I asked who and he wouldn't tell me. I could reach the logical conclusion. I didn't enjoy dinner that night. At what was our favorite Chinese place. Strange how you remember details.

It goes without saying that I don't respect him as a man.

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 10:35 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

I did the filing, and my x-husband was served with the papers. I didn't say anything, and I was out of town when the papers were served. I was informed by my MIL that husband was served, and therefore I knew he received the papers.

In my case, my husband was abusive, physically and emotionally. There was a lot of damage already done, he was a ballistic man. I didn't want anything to do with him at this time, for fear of my life. I kept everything legal, and out of sight until he was served.

If your spouse is kind and not abusive, I feel that telling them in person is okay. But I feared my life, and felt very unsafe with my husband.

Would of been nice to say, I filed and the papers will be served in x amount of days. But a life is more important than trying to be honest with an angry man.

Whatever you decide, get back in the house first. I still advocate the movers for the books.
My kids are with Dad all week, so I'll be available to talk at night.

Stay strong.