Hi Everyone! I try and pop in every now and again and post when I can. I just want to extend the thanks to you all for your support and efforts in helping others (including myself).

In reading the posts, I do wonder about something that has been bothering me for quite some time. It's the OTHER woman and the OTHER man. I know that divorce is painful, but in responses to posts it seems there is a resounding echo of the other man/woman being horrible. They are assumed to be *hiding*, having *no values*, etc.

Just a thought.... what IF that other person really is a good person?

My kids have been really going through a rough time with the *other woman*. A couple of months ago I sat down and asked myself, "Why does she bother you so much Elan? What are all the reasons?" As I sat down and wrote a list, I realized that it wasn't HER...it was HIM treating HER like he should have treated me all those years. I was jealous. I was hurt, and I am sure although I tried not to have those feelings show through to the kids, they did. Now, I am watchful mind you of abuse (I will not put up with ANYONE hurting my kids)--I listen to what they have to say and have them do the same thing. I ask THEM, write a list of all the bad things *woman's name* does that bugs you. Really think about those things and let's talk about it." Things have been calming down and things have been moving forward.

This *other woman/man* is not your choice. But I wonder how WE would be doing in our own lives if we concentrated more on ourselves than the *other woman/man*.

Just a thought..... have a wonderful day all!

They might be a good person... but they have one huge character flaw...
- They succumbed to a relationship with a married person.

In some ways, I've been where you are. Anyone in an affair is going to rationalize it by saying how crappy their marriage is and often at the BS's expense. It's the timeless story. The OPs probably don't actively seek out and seduce our spouses (my OM did - [censored]), but you'd think that between our spouses and the OPs there'd be enough common sense to realize it's wrong and that certain things need to happen first.

I often wondered if I would have felt any different if, prior to my xWW's A, she had come to me and said, "I'm not in love with you anymore and want a divorce." and then AFTER that had kicked off her A. My answer is YES! In the one instance, I have a host of things I can personally do to rekindle the romance and a host of things WE can do to save the marriage. Tell me Plan A wouldn't be easier if they weren't reeking of someone else's sex!

One of my most bitter regrets is that I feel like I was robbed of any chance at redemption because of her A. Instead of tackling a disintegrating marriage, I was forced to tackle all the post-A pain in addition to the disintegrating marriage.

I have a friend whose husband did this. One day, "I don't love you anymore." Her dv hurt her tremendously, but there was and never has been a smidgeon of "I'm not good enough", "I must have done something wrong to make him go to the OW.", and so on and so forth. The degree of recrimination, regret, and pain is noticeably DIFFERENT.

Morning Lyxa!

I've not had to deal with the *OW* or *OM* until well after the divorce -- I didn't know about the multitude of affairs until after it was signed sealed, delivered.(see my post about Being Married to a Bachelor).

I have a friend that I met through church who is currently dating another woman and comes to me for advice. He said his wife *sprung* the divorce on him and he too feels he was robbed of the opportunity of redemption and working on things he needed to change. Knowing him -- there are times where I say something to him and he just doesn't *hear* me or choses to ignore it. He talks non-stop about himself and has commented that his ex told him that she tried to tell him many times the issues that needed to be addressed in their marriage. *sigh* Maybe it's a case of deaf ear syndrome.

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a friend whose husband did this. One day, "I don't love you anymore." Her dv hurt her tremendously, but there was and never has been a smidgeon of "I'm not good enough", "I must have done something wrong to make him go to the OW.", and so on and so forth. The degree of recrimination, regret, and pain is noticeably DIFFERENT </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think many times it all boils down to self-esteem. Recrimination, regret and all those things are INCREASED when you don't feel good about yourself.

As for "reeking of sex".... So...with my experience, I have to be honest and say I focused on what was *missing* in my husbands brain that caused him to be like this. There just came a point, after 20 years of marriage, that I realized he was a chronic manipulator. He was abusive, he was a serial affair addict. I had to get out to save myself.

I think it's human nature (as the dumpee) to want that *chance* to make things work. But -- in most cases, these ex-spouses of ours have already ended their marriages months or even years ago.

Hello, Elan,

One thing I've learned in my years of reading, posting and popping in and out of this place (MB) is that everyone's situation is very, very different. In your case, you had a manipulative man who had numerous affairs with women to whom he outright lied. In my case, the slug (OW) chased my H, who was, yes, eventually willing to be caught, all the while knowing full well he was married yet convinced that she deserved my husband.

That, of course, does not leave him blameless, but it certainly does not make her "nice" - this wasn't the first time she had deliberately pursued a married man, and after I found out about the affair and put my all into the attempt to save my marriage, she harrassed me by calling my home whenever she didn't know where he was, and sending me nasty emails if I emailed him.

Personally, I would not be sad, even after all this time, if bad things happened to her. No, I don't dwell on this, but your post kind of left an unpleasant taste - there really are a whole lot of nasty OP's out there ... If you'd like to find out the way some of the nasty OW/OM's minds work, do a websearch for sites that cater to people who are in extramarital affairs and read some of the posts on those forums. There are far too many OP's who are not at all lied to nor manipulated and are only too willing to lay claim to someone that does not belong to them.

T