When needing information from or about your spouse (if you aren't talking to him/her) do you ask your children for that information?

Or ---- if you are a child of divorced parents, did your parents ever put you in the middle by quizzing you about the other persons conversations?

My parents split up in May. I NEVER put my children in the middle and did not allow my EX to put them there either --- however, my parents seem to think that I'm their go-between. I'm tired. I've suggested they TALK to each other - but they don't see this as a NEED. The see ME as being able to fill this need for them.

I've tried telling them to go talk to each other - I just end up with an ANGRY parent.

They are in their late 60's --- is this senility or stupidity?

Jan

There are no victims, only volunteers. Don't allow them to put you in the middle. Period.

I refuse to allow my kids to be in the middle. I made this very clear to them when my W abandoned me nearly 6 months ago. My daughter is 22 with a child. She chooses (wisely) to stay neutral and we get along fine. My boys are nearly 20 and 18. The 20 year is on his own and I understand has only heard from his mother 1 time in 6 months - that is so sad. The 18 year old is my biggest problem. He stayed in the house after W left but made it clear his sympathies were with her. He grew hostile and began removing community property from the house. After repeated efforts, I finally had to ask him to leave the house. He is with her now. I pray for reconciliation with my boys as there are many things they are unaware of and they only got W's side of story. She homeschooled all the kids (big mistake in retrospect - not the idea of homeschooling but she was emotionally unfit to do this - I blew it because I allowed her to persuade me over the years - my "bad") and her emotional garbage transferred to them. Please do all within your power to keep the kids out of the middle. They should be encouraged to remain neutral and love and support both parents. God bless!

I home school my kids, and they very much have taken my 'side' in my divorce - though it wasn't by my design. My ex was verbally abusive to them, and created issues with them on a daily basis. After he left, he never really put forth any effort to see them, and ultimately just ended any relationship he'd ever had with them (which had been predominantly me instigating it anyway).

But, I didn't talk him down or ruin his ability to have a relationship with them. I didn't use the kids as pawns or ask them to communicate with him for me - or on my behalf. Anything I have felt needed to be said to him, I call and tell him, or have actually stated to lawyers and allowed them to be the 'go-betweens' where necessary.

I think it's necessary to involve both parents in children's lives. My ex does not participate in anything. If he had been more interested in participating before he left, he might have at some point had more influence over their activities and choices, and been more interested in participating now. HE didn't even attend awards nights.

I guess, my question is more geared toward the idea of children being messengers for parents???

Anybody do that?

Jan

I try very hard not to do that.

E-mail is my friend. So is calling him at home when I know that no one is there. I don't leave my answering machine because I got tired of his accusatory, demanding messages. I do my best to only leave info on his. For questions, I prefer email.

Funny thing is that he can't remember information I actually give to him over the phone. He forgets. I've never heard him say he forgot but once, shock of shocks, he told the children he forgot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Of course i do,

its the only way to teach them how to become an adult, right?

wiffty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sj *trouble*:
<strong>My parents split up in May. I NEVER put my children in the middle and did not allow my EX to put them there either --- however, my parents seem to think that I'm their go-between. I'm tired. I've suggested they TALK to each other - but they don't see this as a NEED. The see ME as being able to fill this need for them.

I've tried telling them to go talk to each other - I just end up with an ANGRY parent.Jan</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, so? If being angry gets them what they want, they will continue to be angry. Just don't be the go between. Practice saying nicely, "I'm not going to do that". If one of them gives you a message to give the other, don't pass it along. When the predictable snarls result, let them take the responsibility for it.