I’ve got a question for the BTDT group. As many may know, I’ve worked hard trying to save my marriage which never really got off the ground. I filed papers, my husband got them.

Now, according to my husband, he doesn’t want a divorce. He’s always wanted our marriage to work. I have never really doubted it though I did doubt that he wanted it enough to reprioritize his life to match with mine.

However, my husband’s whole take on the divorce issue is this, if I won’t dismiss the suit, we should get this over with as quickly as possible. He actually called my lawyer and left a message for my lawyer to draw up child custody agreement and a reasonable property settlement. I get the house and all the furniture that I was given as a gift or brought with me. He plans to leave his furniture in the house, but if I want to get rid of it, or he wants it, he can come and get it. He’ll pay half of the school, day care and camp fees.

H. keeps pressuring me to call my lawyer and get everything moving. He was never this enthusiastic about marriage counseling. He never put this much energy into addressing the issues that were driving me crazy.

And the books continue to fly out of the house. Makes me wonder if perhaps the books started flying out of the house as a way to protect his assets, and not as a way of providing the safe environment I needed in order to make myself emotionally available to him.

I must say it hurts a little. Not a lot, but a little. If he had exhibited half so much energy changing his behavior, or even figuring out how he wanted me to change my behavior, we’d never have gotten to this point.

Oh, well. I’m sane… I think.

I think someone has a quote on EN, "It's easier to divorce, than to work on the Marriage".
He probably believes he can't meet your expectations, so why try. I honestly believe that he's protecting his assets by moving the books - not for your safety. And I believe you probably understate the value of some of those books - which were never inventoried.

If you are serious, have your lawyer draw up the custody & PSA and see how quickly he agrees.

I know its not what you wanted. I keep being reminded that I don't get what I want - but I am blessed to get what I need.

Stay strong.

I agree with newly, the book thing is consistent with wanting to get his life in order, and that is much simpler than changing oneself. Even if they aren't worth much, in toto they might be, or he just might "think" they are, the packrat mentality...they still have to be properly marketed and sold. I would ask for as aggressive a financial settlement as your conscience will allow, that is good for you and children.

As for not wanting divorce thing, IMO that is a statement about him, not you. To paraphrase, I think he should more accurately (and honestly) have said, I never wanted a divorce, still don't, as long as you (greengables) act like I want you to act...and I can behave however I want.

This is the property mentality of marriage (or contract approach)...I can use you, or do business with you, as long as you don't require to much upkeep.

<small>[ September 29, 2003, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

I’m not sure my husband actually wants to get his life in order. But he is often spurred to action in real crises. Like moving out of his shop a week before demolition day, even when he’d had 12 months notice. Minor crises like a sobbing wife do little to motivate him.

I’m going to request copies of his checking account. I’m on the business account, so I can go straight to the bank. I want to make sure I’m not getting ripped off. I have no idea how they calculate Child Support. But, if it’s from money taken out of the business, I’m sunk. There is a remote possibility I could end up paying him.

I also know he’ll always be late and have excuses why he couldn’t pay the full amount. I don’t want to have to deal with that. Instead, I’d like him to pay all the girls’ education. This adds up to a considerable amount since we’re committed to keeping them in private school. Or at least I think we are.

Oh, dear. I feel a call to the lawyer coming on. So, far, though, we can be civil and even pleasant to each other. We talk before and after when the children call. I’m suggesting a 65/35 custody split so I have someplace to go in negotiation. I think that will be the sticky wicket.

Get thee to the bank for the back business statements. Go back as many years as they can. You'll need that trail. X took me off the business account quickly.
And I'm at the 2/3 & 1/3 custody thing too, so we can talk about that offline.

Mine was also self employed so I had to determine a salary for him for child support/school/etc. So it's not about how much he took out of the business. You'll need him to commit to an "imputed" salary. That is, what he would have earned if he hadn't reinvested all back into the business (buying additional books without selling any). (Or even, what he could earn if he took a real job). Remember that NPD's can't work for other people.

Any records you have of his purchases, and the cost of those purchases would help. The same for his sales. And all of his personal income tax statements, or Schedule C's. Even if he shows no income, you can have an accountant "find" income for him in the above transactions. I threatened a forensic accountant, and requested a list of documents - which he never produced, but out of fear, X agreed to an imputed salary. Far less than what I wanted him to agree on, but twice that he'd proposed.

One of the first things I did was to take all income tax forms, bank statements, etc, to work to photocopy them all. I made 4 copies of everything. One for me, my lawyer, him and his lawyer - in case he questioned anything.

Just my thoughts.

I don't know if I can offer any insight to your stbx's behavior, but I can relate (in part) to it, so I thought I'd take a stab at this.

I don't know your whole story, but I'm going to assume there was no infidelity involved (since it isn't in your signature line). My x, on the other hand was a serial cheater. Still, I didn't want to give up on the marriage. I took my vows very seriously.

Eventually, my x decided he wanted a divorce so he could marry his ow. I didn't want one. I didn't love him (I actually hated him), but (I thought) I liked my life. Anyway, I decided if he wanted a divorce HE would have to take care of it.

One morning, I woke up and thought, "What the hell am I waiting for? Why am I going to let this happen at HIS convenience?" I called an attorney that morning and put everything in motion. I told him he needed to make other living arrangements and I listed our house for sale. I went on a cleaning spree, throwing out everything I owned that had any kind of memory of him attached to it. I was like a woman possessed. I felt contaminated and I wanted his stuff gone and my stuff "safe." It had nothing to do with protecting assets. I didn't take anything that didn't rightfully belong to me.

Once I became accustomed to the idea that there wasn't anything I could do to save the marriage and that, point of fact, I didn't even want to be married to him, I moved with lightening speed. In my case, not wanting a divorce was NOT the same as wanting to be married to him. Once I accepted that there was nothing worth saving, I looked forward to my divorce with all the excitement that a child looks forward to Christmas. It could not happen quickly enough to suit me. My x was stunned at my change in attitude. He expected me to grieve, not celebrate.

I didn't "do things" or "NOT do things" to make his life harder. Once I came to terms with the idea that I had never truly mattered to him, I realized I owed him nothing beyond what I owed the garbage collector (polite courtesy). Making his life easier, or removing obstacles or complications, or doing what he wanted me to, when he wanted me to do them, came to a grinding halt in about 30 seconds. One minute, I cared ALOT. The next minute, I cared NOT AT ALL.

I'm not saying that YOU have earned the same disdain and resentment from your husband, that my x earned from me. I am saying, even if you didn't earn it, it may be what is motivating your husband to get things over as quickly as possible. Remember, the way we see things is what influences our behavior. The truth or accuracy of that view isn't really the point.

Hope I helped.
-BTM

Been there, Wow! Serial cheaters are a problem. I know one well.

No infidelity. But lots of other kinds of betrayal. My H. has always been convinced there was nothing he could do.... Even when there was. Cerri says that's often code for "I hear you want me to change the way I do things, and I don't want to."

At any rate, my h. has the idea that I made up my mind years ago to divorce. That I tricked him into marriage counseling even though I'd already spoken to an attorney. And that he never stood a chance.

He'll probably also say that I just woke up one day and didn't want to be married any more.

And that I never tried to save our marriage.

None of it is remotely true. But, I can see how he might feel like you did. And you see, while you didn't want a divorce, you also didn't want to remain married to him. I think that's exactly how my h. feels. I actually think my h. has felt this way for a very long time. When I was in a full fledged Plan A, my h. was very happy. The normal demands of marriage evaporated b/c I didn't expect him to meet my needs, including financial.

But, no one can plan A forever. He was not in withdrawal, but he had no intention of stopping LBs or meeting my needs. Still doesn't. I suspect he can't.

I think he's relieved. BTW, for everyone, I don't take my h's relief personally. I think that any conventional marriage would be too much pressure for him.

Hi gg. You mentioned on my thread you suspect passive aggressive behavior in your h. When I found this site way back when, my marriage was in a financial crisis and serious downward spiral. I was LBing all over the place, which just made things way worse. I too did a plan A of sorts. Things improved. Looking back to the beginning, though, I felt like I'd been doing a plan A in the early days long before I knew what a plan A was. I finally figured out after 13 years, that it's never my turn to receive love bank deposits from him. I was pumping all my quarters into a slot machine that never hits the jackpot. MB just doesn't work for everyone. Both parties have to participate for it to work.

If he really does have papd, please don't spend much time playing the what if game. He'll put his energy into staying just the way he is. Of course it hurts to think how different things could've been if he'd channel that energy differently. That's not what you have. It's not on the menu. Mine also accuses me of wanting the divorce years ago, that my desires are insatiable, an ever rising bar that can never be satisfied, so why bother since he's doomed to failure anyway... ugh

Given the uncertainty of future child support payments, are there any assets that can be granted toward you at the time of divorce in lieu of future CS? And what on earth is a forensic accountant?? Good luck gg. Your stbx and mine seem to be cut from the same fabric.

Lonesome,
I replied on yours. I won’t waste my time on what ifs. Understanding doesn’t make a darn bit of difference. And I’m not one to stick around in a marriage with someone who can’t function as a partner. The assets are the books. H. has a component of obsessive behavior. He keeps on buying old books. Since he’s a rare book dealer, he styles these books as “inventory.” Except that he buys a whole lot more than he sells.

There’s no way to get even a fair appraisal. Book dealers all know each other and are pretty tight. Not to mention the books aren’t even shelved. Ugh.

Got to run. I’ll check in later. Feel free to e-mail me directly.

And a forensic account is basically like an investigator/accountant who dissects financial statements looking for the truth. They find hidden money, hidden fraud, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And the books continue to fly out of the house. Makes me wonder if perhaps the books started flying out of the house as a way to protect his assets, and not as a way of providing the safe environment I needed in order to make myself emotionally available to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has he said why he is moving the books?

Whether it is to protect his assets or to provide you a safe environment, it seems that he has finally taken you seriously.