My H has been wavering back and forth between OW and me for too long now. My love for him has drastically diminished recently and I think it's time for me to be proactive, stop waiting for him to make a decision and finally get moving on with my life. I'm going to contact a few attorneys regarding divorce. This is the hardest decision I have ever made, as I'm sure all of you that have gone through this would agree.

I haven't read too much on this forum. I usually check out Emotional Needs, Prayer Requests, JFO, General Questions and Pregnancy forums. So, I will contact attorneys, check this site, check the internet regarding divorce/child custody and figure out this process.

Last night I had my last career planning class. Since 1995 I have stayed at home with our two children, now 10 and 8. Guess I'll go into interior design, but I do want to talk to some designers before I sign up for classes. It felt empowering to actually know where my life will be going.

Guess I don't really have a question, just wanted to express myself and introduce myself briefly to you all here.

Hi Suebee,

Nice to meet you considering the circumstances.

I know what you mean regarding making THE FINAL decision, I am in the same boat of having no feelings left for WS and wanting to get on with life.

Have you done what you can to restore the M? That is something I ask myself all of the time so I have no regrets if it comes down to filing. I think to myself of "how much longer should I wait?" but it seems like a never ending waiting period.

I hope everything works out the best it possibly can and if you have to file, then you have to do what you have to do.

Take care,

Eduard

Sonce it's only been a month or two since you found out, what's the rush?

Before you divorce, you should definitely do Plan B for a while.

I see you're member # 30000. Did you get a "bonus" for that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Chris, that's so funny that you said that about being #30000 ... I thought the same darn thing!

I know that it has only been a little over 2 months. I did a great Plan A, which obviously didn't work. Then I let him see my anger, which I never really do with him. He still says he's in love with her.

A few weeks ago, I found their emails to each other (all 246 of them in 2 months) and it has shown me the depth of their relationship. They both say they're head-over-heels for each other.

My H would risk losing his job (or at least the respect of everyone there), his friends, knows his parents would lose respect for him and wonder what he's doing. He says he doesn't even really care about that. The only thing he cares about is our children. I would certainly never take them away from him and wouldn't bad mouth him in front of them or anything. He's always been a wonderful person, just seems messed up right now.

But in this time, I have:
Lost 25 pounds (129 down to 104)
Am not taking care of the children like I used to (can't do homework with them, never cook, yell at them, don't remember if they've brushed their teeth or taken a shower or anything)
Can't sleep
Can't concentrate on anything
Been patient, and don't think I can be anymore
Gone into IC
Am taking Paxil
Felt like commiting suicide numerous times

With all of that put together, I just think I might as well get on with it. The children are going to friends in about 30 minutes and I will get on my investigation of "What does the Big D Mean?"

He's always been a wonderful person, just seems messed up right now.
Which is one reason to wait a while. Wouldn't you at least like to have a chance to make a decision whether to stay married?

As far as your list, I was right there too with everything you listed. I lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

With all of that put together, I just think I might as well get on with it.
Again, why? Is a divorce going to "make it all better"?

Harely says most affairs end within six months of discovery.

Going to Plan B is not necessarily only to wait for the spouse to return. It's also to give YOU (the bs) time to "just get over it" and work through the issue s with much less trauma and as little "regret" as possible on your part.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?
Have you considered counseling with Steve or Jennifer Harley? (see below)

He's always been a wonderful person, just seems messed up right now.
Which is one reason to wait a while. Wouldn't you at least like to have a chance to make a decision whether to stay married?

As far as your list, I was right there too with everything you listed. I lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

With all of that put together, I just think I might as well get on with it.
Again, why? Is a divorce going to "make it all better"?

Harely says most affairs end within six months of discovery.

Going to Plan B is not necessarily only to wait for the spouse to return. It's also to give YOU (the bs) time to "just get over it" and work through the issue s with much less trauma and as little "regret" as possible on your part.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?
Have you considered counseling with Steve or Jennifer Harley? (see below)

The best thing about waiting for me has been to gather my thoughts, give WS a chance and do what I can to ensure I don't regret if I have to file later. As much as I want to make a rushed decision I know in my heart the longer I wait either WS will come back or I won't care.

It's easier to wait then to get a D only to have the WS come back after finally seeing the light.

And having D's would seem to give you more of a reason to wait instead of going from one situation to another so quickly.

the longer I wait either WS will come back or I won't care.
Exactly!
You don't file because it doesn't seem like they won't come back.
You file because you're no longer inerested if they come back.

You can always go and gather information from the lawyers.... Just in case. As a defensive move to protect yourself should your h. chose to leave.

You can find out your options if your state has legal separation. If adultery is "grounds."

I first called the attorney just for that. I didn't file for well over a year, but there was no infideltiy in my case.

I'm dragging the divorce a little. I'm pretty ambivelant about the whole thing. I don't want to be married, but I don't want to be divorced. Well, no one does.

Try Plan B first. Get the legal side of it from the attorney. But don't rush into this. You can get movement and progress by going to Plan B. You might occassionally be lonely. And cutting of all contact can be very difficult, but removing yourself from the emotional triange is very helpful to you.

And it sends a clear message that your husband has to make a choice. And that no choice is a choice.

Glad to see these replies. I appreciate the input. Yesterday I had a discussion with H. He said "I guess I pushed you too far, didn't I." He was out of town, so we didn't talk much. Then we were in a hotel with the children so still haven't been able to have alone time. When he arrived back in town, he met with OW. Don't have any details on their discussion, but on the phone he said he thought he was going to give it a shot with me. This is something that I have heard before. Don't know what to make of it. Will hopefully have some alone time by Saturday.

I did research on the net regarding divorce. Kids are out of school until Tuesday, so that is when I will make some phone calls to consult lawyers to get some more specific information regarding our situation. At this point, I think I may be willing to give it a shot, also. It would be difficult, but if he is willing to try, I should probably give him one more chance. My love for my H has been dwindling quickly. Maybe some more time will give my heart a chance to heal.

Will keep you posted on our situation. I may not check back in again until Monday. Thanks again for the words of encouragement. When I read them this morning, it made me feel that I should probably not jump into the whole legal thing too hastily.

And by the way, Chris, I have read SAA. I have probably about every book published by now ... three trips to the book store and two to the library. I have read CONSTANTLY since the children went back to school 9/2/03. I'm very blessed to be at home during the day while they are at school. All the things I used to do while they're in school I've put off and have been a full time student in Marriage and Affairs 101. I am hoping to graduate soon, maybe summa cum laude! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Someone gave me a very insightful reply -- that I should look for pattern behavior and not behavior that is out of character. As I look at my M, I see a pattern of disregard -- a year without a tub when we had a baby and a toddler, lack of interest in me or the children, focus on outside activities, etc. Sophia fits right in.

If your WH has been a good H and father but got caught up in an A and is now addicted, maybe a Plan B would wake him up to what he is losing. The book "Divorce for Dummies" has ideas on helping a stay at home Mom (I'm one, too) to protect financial support of the family while waiting for the A to die a natural death.

If you look at a basically good man who has gone off his rocker, you can't convince him of anything but can remove yourself from his presence while the A runs its course.

I'm sending some encouragement your way. It's easy to fall in love. Your H may not have realized that and just got caught up in a fantasy.

Suebee,Just wanted to let you know I did read this thread (you replied to mine about Under the Tuscan Sun). I do think Plan D would be awfully hasty for you...again like everyone says, please don't rush. Make sure you make decisions based on knowledge and observation and not on feelings or emotions running wild.
Hugs to you...