There is no icon for steam coming out my ears....but I could sure use it tonight.

I am an ENFP who has ADD so, admittedly, I do not always communicate as clearly as my ISTJ x would like.

He has a history of becoming aggressive about every 10-12 months. It's been about 13 months since I file an incident report with the police concerning his behavior toward then 9yo son. So, I'm expecting something soon.

I don't know what triggers these incidents but he is mad at me. I am the trigger and the target for his anger/frustration/irritability.

So, he emailed me and asked if children would like to go to a play at his church. I allowed son to email back and say that he had other plans but that Gillian wanted to go. The email was from son but on my account.

x considers that this is not my stating that she could/wanted to go.

He grilled me and tried to install a new orifice for me. I listened to him and then, when he asked why I couldn't answer a direct question, I had had enough. I asked if I ever do anything right. This threw him for a minute. Then I told him I had asked him a direct question, but I didn't expect him to answer it. When he said, "I don't know," I laid the phone down and walked off.

This is the email I got from him....

Per your telephone message you are just now stating that Gillian can go
Wednesday to the play.

Where else have you said or indicated she could go, except on the
telephone
message? You have not.

Your statement that I requested more implicit information is a bunch of
hot air.

When will you start to give me a direct answer when I ask you a direct
question? This game of yours is getting very old and I am no longer
going to
quietly accept it.

How do I respond?

a) ignore it
b) apologize for my role in the communications snafu
c) suggest that he attempt to be less rigid in his demands that I perform perfectly according to his expectations.
d) tell him that I consider his email to be disrespectful, as was his behavior on the phone - and copy his wife and son's counselor (that is copy, not blind copy)
e) see if Bubba, Akmed, Jamal, and Vinny need someone on whom to practice their bad-guy skills

Ignore it cinders, otherwise you are playing HIS game. I ignore my x all the time when he comes up with this kind of drivel.

Love and light,

Jacky

Hey Princess! Welcome to the Bull$hit Stoopit EXes Club. Hanging up on him was a great start. Blocking his email and/or IM would be even better. Just send him that last email and tell him that ONCE he can begin to treat you with RESPECT, then you will accept his emails again. Also, when he talks to you on the phone, at the FIRST SIGN of his being ugly, hateful, etc. just do it (hang up, that is). It worked for me numerous times. I remember one day I had to hang up on my ex-wife a total of 6 times in 2 hours... My ex doesn't even bother me anymore after she realized she was NOT going to get me all fired up over a bunch of TRIFLING silly stuff she dreamed up.
Princess, I am sorry you are having to go thru this. It's sad, really sad that the person who once loved you and vowed to stay with you forever can be so HATEFUL and STOOPIT. It really is.
Harold/MadMaXX - (Veteran of numerous battles with the Ex over the past 5 years)

I'm not having battles with STBXW but there are times that I don't feel that she gives me a clear answer on things where she feels that she does. I'm not trying to defend your H but perhaps we're just thick sometimes and don't hear everything. Even if that is the case, it doesn't justify his behavior

Wow, you people get answers to your questions. What a concept!
I calculated that on average, I get a 30% response rate to any question to X. I began to write them down and number them, just to check my calculations.
So, I'd take an unclear message over none - anytime. At least I'd know it was received.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Newly,

I wonder why that would be?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quote from Newly sig
H: Conflict Avoider, No communication skills (Confirmed by MC)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

How about this? Suggest that he give you written questions and specify when he wants you in particular to reply as opposed to your son or daughter. Perhaps he would be kind enough to draw up a form and put X’s next to where you need to sign or initial.

Ugh.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong> There is no icon for steam coming out my ears....but I could sure use it tonight.

I am an ENFP who has ADD so, admittedly, I do not always communicate as clearly as my ISTJ x would like.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YAY!! Princess, I love you--I'm an INFP who's exH is an ESTJ. OY, are they hard to live with and demanding and judgemental! It's ridiculous!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> He has a history of becoming aggressive about every 10-12 months. It's been about 13 months since I file an incident report with the police concerning his behavior toward then 9yo son. So, I'm expecting something soon...I don't know what triggers these incidents but he is mad at me. I am the trigger and the target for his anger/frustration/irritability. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, Princess, you have answered your own question right here. This has NOTHING to do with you at all. He is quite dependable in being aggressive about once a year, and it's "about that time"...so you could be little Miss Perfect, and he will FIND a way to lay his anger on you and blame YOU for his own choices. It's just that simple! Love ya, but this isn't about you at all...except that as you so lovingly taught me, you keep standing in the way as a target taking his shots.

Just remind yourself: A) this isn't about me, it's about him and HIS issues, and B) don't be his target!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Per your telephone message you are just now stating that Gillian can go
Wednesday to the play.

Where else have you said or indicated she could go, except on the telephone message? You have not.

Your statement that I requested more implicit information is a bunch of hot air.

When will you start to give me a direct answer when I ask you a direct question? This game of yours is getting very old and I am no longer
going to quietly accept it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, my royal highness, this is easy. You CAN answer a direct question and you know it. Shoot, *I* know it!! He asked, "Can the kids come to a play at my church" and you said "(Son) can't but Gillian can"...whether by phone message or email or by carrier pigeon. You DID answer his direct question with a direct reply!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How do I respond?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is also fairly easy, your majesty. If you can not speak to the man decently, do not bother to respond to his immature ranting and blame. OTOH, if you can take a deep breath, you can be FACTUAL: "I did respond to your question with a direct answer--(Son) can not come but Gillian can. PLUS I used two methods to communicate that message. If you did not receive the message that is not my issue, NOR will I accept your blame."

If you apologize, you are acting as if somehow you are to blame and you are falling right into his trap.

If you suggest he behave any differently, you are being responsible for his behavior, and we all know that the end result will be that he won't do it no matter what.

If you copy to his wife and counselor, it would be disrespectful of you, and you don't need to stoop to his peone level. You are royalty...so act like it. Maybe copying his wife so that he can see that you did send it, AND so that maybe she can see a reply and inform him...maybe...

So, princess, IMHO just remind yourself over and over (and over and over) that he is trying to suck you into his blame trap so that he can justify behaving aggressively toward you. Just don't let him. Don't do the same old reaction that you usually do--be completely different. Okay?? You can do it!!!


CJ

P.S. I still luv ya!

Let me tell you what I'm thinking....

I constantly get sucked into apologizing to this man.

I understand that his anger is his. I did my best to communicate effectively but my message did not meet his needs therefore he feels I didn't send the right message.

He says things to the children to undermine me.

They are spending a week with him between Christmas day and New Year's Day. He is in his irritable/agressive mode. A perfect time for him to blast away at me to them. His telling them all about my shortcomings doesn't help my efforts to parent well. In fact, it undermines them by eroding the children's respect for me.

Therefore, I think I will offer him yet another apology.....

It will be something along the lines of "This time of year is busy and stressful for everyone. I am sorry for my role in any confusion about the play."

I amy add sentence about "I will endeavor to be more concise. I know that is helpful for you. In return, I would hope that you could speak to me in ways that might be considered more polite and respectful."

I do prefer to communicate with him by email because it gives me the chance to hone my words before they are delivered. I hang up on him occaisionally but, more often, I just lay the phone down and let him talk to the air. Both of them provoke his ire.

I do my best to answer this man's questions and to let him have all the time he wants with the children. And sometimes I turn down his requests if there are conflicts or if I have a need to do something different.

CJ - you are right. If I was Miss Perfect, I wouldn't be perfect enough to suit him. (I do not envy his wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

The only reason I am considering apologizing is to make things easier for the children. And to decrease his disparaging remarks while the children are with him over the next couple of weeks.