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<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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The love can return David, but they have to see that you are yourself, not someone that you cannot be for the rest of your life. The love you show towards her, let it be genuine love, and she will make the decision that you are the one that she loves.

Praying is very important, make arrangements for the two of you to go out on a special night if possible. Like a dating process, if you both feel comfortable with it, POJA.

Stay in counseling, for the two of you. This is difficult for the kids, for there is so much going on in their heads, did they do this, did they cause the damage. Reassure them that they had nothing to do with the divorce proceedings. And tell them that you two are working on yourselves, and working on emotional needs. Yes, David, Love can return, and prayer will help your spirit. God hates divorce, and God hates to see families torn apart. When one or both are unwilling to accomodate each others emotional needs.

Good luck David and your family. God Bless you!

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I hate to say this, but you cannot make a WS do anything...Even see if things could work out...That's all from your side and you projecting your desires and wishes onto them. Sure, if they would just wake up and be fog free they might see it.

But they don't. Their believeing it could happen comes from you walking the walk day by day. And if affair is involved, do the other plan A stuff that goes along with it.

So I guess you cannot convince anybody anything. I had a professor in college who was convinced we are all deluded if we believe in religion vs. evolution (depite my own personal and somewhat blended views of this). You couldn't convince him to budge one bit on that issue. It's al about perceptions. What she perceives to be the truth to HER. Dr. Phil calls them filters. We wear rosecolored glasses sometimes and the world is beautiful. Sometimes we feel sad and are upset by something specific thus we have a negative filter by which we view the world. She's got a negative filter by which she is viewing the marriage. All you can do is make your perceptions different.

I wish there was a magic bullet or pill that could fix WS. There isn't. We have to fix ourselves and be smart cookies in the process. Sometimes it doesn't work and we have to know when to accept that too. But we don't give up on our marriages or our families without doing all we can positively do ok?

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<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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I have to disagree with Peachy on this point. I’ll admit you can’t force anyone to change anything. On the other hand, your wife read this site. Hopefully she read or is willing to read the books. She understands why she fell out of love, therefore, she should logically understand why she fell in love in the first place. If she gets the Love Bank concept, then she should “get” the idea that it is possible to fall in love again either with you the other man or someone else entirely.

Now, she may not believe it’s possible for you to change. But, you and time can prove her wrong there.

Are you counseling with a disciple of Dr. Harley? Or someone who believes that you can create conditions in which romantic love will grow and flourish?

Hey, she read this site. She’s gone to counseling. She talks about maybe getting back together at some point.

I would suggest though that unless there are some unusual reasons why you can’t sleep on the couch, you give her the bedroom. It’s the gentlemanly thing, and shows you are interested in her well being which is even more important than an antiquated gentleman’s code of conduct.

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I agree with Green Gables

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would suggest though that unless there are some unusual reasons why you can’t sleep on the couch, you give her the bedroom. It’s the gentlemanly thing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This would be a good step toward the Love Bank and help her feel more that you care.

My first reaction was to tell W "If you want out then you leave" I realize now that that doesn't show her that I care about her

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Hurray for WIWH! Bonus points for thinking through the situation. And putting aside immediate satisfaction in favor of long-term benefit.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Bonus points for thinking through the situation </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've been here a little while now, I'm learning. Just wish I learned a year ago

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I am so sorry. I am new to this. My husband of 11 years (together 15) came to me 1 week ago and crying told me he can no longer live with me. He loves me, but is not "in love" anymore. I realized through our conversation (crying, not screaming believe it or not) that I have downed him and critisized him and he took it all in, never letting me know. My eyes are so open and I immediately went looking for ways to change myself to keep our marriage. We too are living together still for our 3 & 6 yr old, but he insists on legal seperation. My only hope right now is he will hang here long enough to see my changes and to love me again. Best of luck to you. I know the physical sickness that goes along with this, I've thrown up several times and cant swallow anything solid for the past week. I need to find a counselor in my area that has this sites positive attitude, I here so much about some marriage counselors doing more harm than good. Any suggestions on searching?

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How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor

I had a bad experience with MC that I wish I could undo. Him digging into W's childhood for 4 weeks pushed her into making a decision of D

m01069.
It wouldn't be a bad Idea to start a new topic with a little more info about your situation. I read your post in EN forum but not much detail and not much in the way of replies

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<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WishI WereHome:
<strong> I agree with Green Gables

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would suggest though that unless there are some unusual reasons why you can’t sleep on the couch, you give her the bedroom. It’s the gentlemanly thing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This would be a good step toward the Love Bank and help her feel more that you care.

I am not sure about this. I too did the gentlemanly thing and slept on the couch for 9.5 months so my wife could have the bed; the bed that we bought with Christmas money one year from MY parents. Now she considers it HER bed, HER room, HER house, HER life. Depending on the situation, I might be inclined to say to you that you should tell your wife "I'm sleeping in the bed. If you want to join me, fine. If not, enjoy the couch". Another arrangement would be a 50-50 split of the bed (4 nights one week, and 3 nights the next).

My first reaction was to tell W "If you want out then you leave" I realize now that that doesn't show her that I care about her </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

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Tell her she may be right that love may not return, but it is worth a test -- at least for the sake of the children. Tell her that love is so important that she shouldn't stay married unless that love can return.

Then consider bringing her to the Marriage Builder weekend in Orlando in early February.

We've spent $6,000 on MC and it turns out not to have helped. My most important EN is physical touch, and counselor #1 and counselor #2 both told me to withhold due to the affair. Well, I did, making me more and more bitter. He also was sleeping all over the house. It was hard on our children to see that and witness our arguing.

Now suddenly we're on the right track. Harley's right -- you can't stay married unless emotional needs are met. Your W admitting to an EA means she is telling you her ENs are not being met. This is an opportunity. We refinanced the house and used money for counseling. It didn't work and didn't work. Now I am willing to rebuild our marriage because I am not being told to assume it works. I am being told it is worth a test, and I need to dive in. So far, the test is working pretty well.

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

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<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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David I know EXACTLY where you are. My wife is wishy washy when it comes to trying and not trying. My first suggestion is to look at the Basic Concepts and go from there. Maybe JUST MAYBE she will agree to read the quick summery with you. Mine did and it seems to have made some sence to her not sure if it will help it really depends on her. "The fog has to be lifted"
and unfortunatly for you and I we cannot do it SHE has to want to! Just do your best to make the changes in YOURSELF and walk the walk everyday and show her that your heart and mind are in the right place and that the changes you are willing to make are forever not just for now and what I tell my wife when she tells me what yours told you " I have hurt you so much I was never a good wife to you and never will be" I just say to her " that can't be cause love is unconditoinal (spelling?) and although you have hurt me I want to work this out for you for me and for our child. We were good together once and I believe we can be again." At least that is what I say. Hope it helps or works for you. Best bet in my book though is start with Basic Concepts and try to get her to MC. Good luck and keep posting. In the short time I have been here I have learned that these people have good advice and they listen and support you. And for me and I am sure many more it has ment more than they can ever know. Thanks you guys! For keeping me SANE

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<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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I'm not in a spot to be giving advice, but here goes...

What are you saying? Your love is unconditional. Are you a doormat? No love should be unconditional. I had that attitude and it set me up for mistreatment.

You need to restore your own dignity. You want a marriage, and a marriage is about mutual care not one-way worship of one person for another.

I married for life. If I divorce, I will not remarry. However, God did not call me to put up with an emotional desert. I am not called to give and give and give with nothing in return but "Leave me alone."

When I finally had had enough and was ready to end the marriage, there was a change. I'm not sure if it was from him or me, but now we are working on our marriage. I'm done with a bad marriage. I won't go back. Marriage is MUTUAL care -- remember that. You can't have a marriage when care is one way, and you need to accept that she is a separate human being who will make her own decisions.

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

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Broken arm and heart, PLEASE don't miss understand. Me telling my wife that my love is unconditional is concerning the things in the PAST that has caused our marriage pain. I am not so far gone as to live in a emotional dessert. People make mistakes and you either can or cannot live with those mistakes and improve on YOURSELF and makeing sure you are a better person when it is all said and done. The things that have happened in the past that we have already worked through as a couple ( meaning my wife and I) have NO BEARING on the problems we are haveing now. Perhaps I am not saying it right or typeing it right rather. HEHE Only that things in the past are just that PAST and IF you are going to try REALLY TRY THE 2 OF YOU then the OM from 6 years ago (for me and my wife) really have no bearing on the problems we are haveing now. I have dealt with THAT pain and moved on and healed so has my wife ( or so she tells me) and doesn't effect the fact that she says she doesn't love me NOW. The problems are different and so is the situation. Is my love unconditional? I think it is in that I KNOW I will always love my wife, that does NOT mean I am willing to live in a house where I am not loved and my EN's are not being filled. IT IS a 2 way street I was simply commenting on the statement " I AM A BAD WIFE I HAVE HURT YOU SO MUCH" he posted had posted before as if telling him that she was doing HIM a favor by divorceing.

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<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: David A ]</small>

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