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Joined: May 2002
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I did the things I needed to do today, and then I went to the library to do some research for a paper due for class. I was on the computer for 2 hours, typing and reading and typing for the paper. I was grateful to have an assistance at the desk that was very helpful. She helped me tremendously today and now I have some info to start my paper. On the way home, I realized that my neck was becoming so stiff and my eye was starting to feel like buldging out again.

By the time I got home, I was miserable. I stopped at K-mart to get some dishwasher detergent, cause son announced last night no dishwasher detergent (he does the dishes). I was beat, and my eye (R) was hurting. I warmed up the dinner, leftovers from last night, and ate, and then got sick. I had my oldest daughter do my back, and she said a disrespectful comment that you are getting hooked on me doing your back all the time. I just told her I am in pain, and I wish that I didn't have to ask you to do it. I even asked her to rub my neck and shoulder but she said no. So I warmed a neck aromatherapy pad I gave to my mother for x-mas last year for arthritis, and I used it on my neck. My mother didn't want the pad, so she gave it back to me. I see the Chiropractor Dr. tomorrow, and hope to get some relief. My neck is spasming, and my back right upper side is spasming. It must of been in the position of typing, and reading material and typing. I hate life, when I can't do simple things like this, my life just doesn't seem fair anymore. XH was over again today. And he walks around, doesn't have the pain, of course sits at his computers for hours upon hours. And he is the one that damaged my shoulder that started this whole process of pain.

I took my meds, and an extra pain Advil. I am off of pain killers, cause I was getting addicted. So maybe I can get some relief. Just wanted to vent, cause I have been crying, and just can't stop this crying crap. I once was a really active, slim very pretty woman. I ran and jogged with the guys cause I was so fast, and had a good rhythm in jogging. Now, I can't even keep up with the little tots. My exercise has gone to nothing. I was going to the gym, after I got the okay from the Dr. to try. But I found that the only thing that I could do, and not for long was the treadmill. And like tonight, even that would be painful.

Venting, that is all.

Joined: Apr 2002
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Faith4Me,
This may sound silly and totally inadequate, but try joining flylady.com. She sends out daily encouraging e-mails so you aren't doing things like stopping at a store to pick up one thing. She also is a divorced mother who said something like she silenced the negative voices.

Also, I have medical problems though no pain. I can't lift more than 15 pounds and can't use a treadmill. I walk and use 8 pound weights. There's a book called "Strong Women Stay Slim" which gives gentle exercises.

You need encouragement. Your life is forever changed, and not just your life but your body. Can you find a group that deals with chronic pain? Also, I joined a DivorceCare group. It's Christian based and has videos that seem very helpful. You can look up a local group on www.divorcecare.com.

Just some thoughts... The past cannot be changed.

Joined: Jan 2004
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Faith4Me,

I have worked on computers my entire working life (30+ yrs) and know just what you're talking about with the neck and shoulder pain. The chiropractor visits should help you, have you been to one before? I also injured my sacroiliac joint (where you bend at the waist) almost 20 years ago (by lifting up my son from a seated position) and it gives me trouble now and again (I actually become 'crooked'--one shoulder higher than the other--until it clears up, usually with anti-spasmodics & Advil). Also the Homedics shiatsu massager (it simulates thumbs rotating and kneading your muscles) is GREAT for that neck/shoulder pain--it feels wonderful! So after your chiropractic visits when you are hopefully feeling better, try the treadmill again. 15 yrs. ago I weighed 105 lbs.--I'm 5 ft. tall. Over the years I gained weight (at one point 3 yrs. ago I was 156 lbs.!--bad for my back & EXTRA bad for my knees and hips). Almost a year ago I joined Weight Watchers and began to use my treadmill daily. I have dropped 30 lbs. and have slimmed down to where I can wear a size 6 again--even with the extra weight because now it's MUSCLE and muscle weighs more than fat! Anyway, my legs, butt & hips have NEVER looked better. What I'm trying to tell you is there is hope--don't give up. Take baby steps (I couldn't even climb 1 flight of stairs last year without being TOTALLY breathless--it just disgusted me!) and keep at it. You will see progress! You will have energy and feel so much better about yourself. Good luck, keep me posted: EmeraldLady703@hotmail.com

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I did look up the divorce group, and will call tomorrow. I found one in Canton which is about 7-10 miles away. Will be good to get away and meet other people in the same situation that I am in.

I saw my Chiropractor/dr. today. And she said my neck and right shoulder were all spasmed so tight. I had a heating pad put on for 15 minutes, and then she used a very gentle massager on me. Then she used her healing hands and manipulated me some. Her hands I can feel the healing coming through to my troubled areas. We talked afterwards and I was allowed to cry, which felt good to get this stuff off my chest. I hate being so unable to exercise and all. I am going to go to the library and see about that book too. I have gained about 25#'s. I am trying the South Beach Diet. I did for 3 days, very very good. Not one little bite of anything that was not allowed. And then XH just initiates the depression. So once again, tomorrow will be day #1 for the South Beach Diet again. Tonight, I am able to move the neck better not all the way, and the eye buldging is much much less. I came home and took a little nap, which the Dr. said to do. She said put the heating pad on your neck and take a nap.

I too am only 5 feet and 1 1/2 inches. I want to be down to 117 #'s. So I have to lose about 30 pounds. I lost weight during my xh affair stuff, and then gained it back. It is a different depression now.

Thanks for the encouragement. Like Dr. Sayer said, you are making steps, and boundaries. But I still am having some major problems emotionally. I admit it, and therefore I will be on anti-depressants for probably another year. And going through counseling, and looking into the divorce care I found calling tomorrow. Just the outlook is so hard to see, when you are in so miserable with pain. And loss of movement.
Thanks.

Joined: Jan 2004
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Feeling bad stinks!
But we've either got to let it out or take it with us. Let it out, I cryed a river of tears and when I thought things were good, I did it again, but I don't cry everyday anymore infact sometimes weeks at time go by with one stinking tear and the sessions are shorter too. I love your log in name. Keep the faith, keep asking for more and more until you have all you need.
Fast, fit, tired grumpy in HIS eyes you are always loved unconditionally! Keep venting! except your kids to kids and...feeling bad stinks! but choosing not to feel it will hurt you a lot more in long run.

Joined: May 2002
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Yeah, pain is never far from my life. I did mostly today, sit with the heating pad around my neck and shoulders. I didn't even go to my art class today. I called and told the instructor I was hurting too much. Just felt like crap. I laid on the couch and put the pad on my shoulder and neck and fell asleep. The eye buldging feeling is less now. I am sitting with my heating pad now, and will warm it up again. I got up during the night last night twice to put it in the microwave and use it during the night. Just felt crappy when I woke up, and not happy. Maybe it is partly the weather too. Stress and spasms don't mix. Waiting for a call tonight, and then to bed.


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