Quick review:

05/21/02 I and kids move out under protection of sheriff, no contact order is filed against abusive husband.

06/02 Divorce is filed, ex is given visitation of every other weekend, 2 evenings per week. Goes relatively well.

12/02 During divorce, ex fights for full custody saying I"m unfit mom. My attorney discovers that he spent two years in prison for molesting stepsons from first marriage. There are 75 pages of court documents, some are chilling. Judge immediately stops visitation and requires ex to have sex offender counseling and supervised visitation. I have full custody.

12/02 - present: Ex refuses to go to counseling, does try to set up visits with local clergy to supervise. I insist on someone trained in sexual abuse, so visits don't happen.


And now, my point......

Recently, my ex has written me several letters asking to be able to write and recieve letters to and from the kids. I am torn......yes, I want them to have a relationship with their dad. But, I know he is manipulitive, and lies, and doesn't seem like he will ever get counseling or choose an appropriate visitation supervisor. So, if I allow the kids to write, will it be more harmful or helpful? IN the past he has sent letters in presents saying things like "someday you'll know the truth about your mother", or "your mother sent me to jail"., and so I"m hesitant about letting them communicate.

Any comments?

Anna,

Unless a person has been involved with a truly abusive person, it's really hard to understand what you're asking. The tendency may be to say, "Oh for heaven's sake, the kids need a relationship with their father."

However, as you know, I was married to a very abusive man too. My exH also has chosen to refuse counseling, refuse treatment, and refuse recovery. Yes, I believe that children as beings need relationships with their fathers, when their fathers will not harm them. When the "fathers" cross over into harming their own children, I believe that the kids much more so need a model of a healthy male and need to be protected. In my instance, I have full physical custody and joint decision making--my exH drives YD to school in the AM and sees her one night a week, and he sees OS after school two nights a week and one day during the weekend. They do not stay overnight with him, and we talk BEFORE they go to dad's and AFTER they come back. I chose to let my children have this much contact with him because he consistently harmed ME, he consistently never harmed them, and children want to love their dad.

In your instance, you exH has consistenly harmed both YOU and the children, has never resisted an instance to harm THEM, and has made several attempts to continue to try to harm them! I believe your children would be in emminent danger if contact were to be established. He has harmed them in the past...is harming them now...and there is reasonable reason to believe his pattern will be to continue harming them!

Soooo...if you do for some reason feel compelled to allow writing back and forth, I suggest that all letters be delivered OPENED via a neutral third party. For example, he delivers letters unsealed to Pastor Bob, and your children can pick up the letters from Pastor Bob once he has read them for safety...and your children can deliver letters unsealed to Pastor Bob, and he can pick them up from Pastor Bob, who checks the children's letters looking for potential issues/trauma/etc.

If exH doesn't agree to terms like that, I say forget it man. The likelihood is 100% that he will try to blame you, harm them, and unravel all the good that's been done for them.

Just my humble opinion,


BJ

My daughter has been really asking alot about writing her dad lately.....been very upset. So, I decided to let her read the note her dad wrote about the cats, dogs, what she wants for her birthday, etc.

I allowed her to write him saying what she wants for her birthday.

I added a letter telling him I was hesitant about allowing writing because he makes promises he doesn't keep and accusations about me. However, I said I'd try it because Rachel seems to need it; and I"d be reading his letters first.

I sure hope I"m not opening a Pandora's box.

You need to have a good set of boundaries in place prior to the letter writing and be strong in stating and following through w/ceasing the letter writing if boundaries are crossed.

For example, he cannot make derogatory comments towards you or the other children PERIOD. If there is even one small thing mentioned that is not right, letter writing STOPS!

I added a letter telling him I was hesitant about allowing writing because he makes promises he doesn't keep
You need to let him write and let the kids read it (if it's to them).
If HE makes a promise and doesn't keep it, so be it. He's the bad guy, he's the one not keeping to his word.
If the kids never get anything from dad beecause you are keeping it from them, then it's your fault and you're the bad guy.

If he says he will call or visit and doesn't, you don't need to "cover"for him. Just tell them you don't know why he didn't call or visit.

Now you have to make sure that when you tell them you will do this or that, you MUST keep to it.

As much as you want ot "protect" your kids, you can't do it forever. And part of growing up is getting bumped and bruised. Your job as a parent is to teach them how to handle the good AND the bad and that they cannot control what others do (or don't do).

Kids aren't stupid. If you talk the talk, then you must walk the walk. If you don't (or dad doesn't), they will see through all the excuses.

I think this situation is a bit deeper than the kids getting "bumped and bruised", as my ex is a convicted child molester who spent two years in prison for his crimes. In the transcripts from the trial, he compares what he did to masturbating dogs while he was in Vietnam to "get them to like him". He had no remorse and did not see what he did as wrong.

During our marriage he actively sought out situations where he could be near young boys, such as church youth leader, wrestling coach, foster parent. Although never taken to court, there were accusations, never proved.

He cannot see the children without being supervised by someone trained in sexual abuse. No one will supervise him unless he goes through counseling first.......which he refuses to do. So, when he writes the children saying "I'll see you soon, Your mother keeps me from seeing you, etc.", he is lying and he knows it. But it keeps hope alive in the kids......and there are times they argue with me "but Dad SAID he'd see us soon!". They don't understand that he could say he loves them and yet not show it by getting counseling and seeing them.

This is why repeated contact with him worries me........will the constant disappointment of him never seeing them warp their view of fatherhood and men in general?

He cannot see the children without being supervised by someone trained in sexual abuse. No one will supervise him unless he goes through counseling first.......
Then tell them that the court has ordered that dad has to go to a class before he is allowed to visit and that he does not want to take the class.

After all it's not you who requires supervised visits, it's the court, correct?

Right, that's what I have told them. However, writing and phone calls is a grey area that doesn't seem to be covered by the divorce decree, custody agreement, or no contact order between him and myself. So, it's pretty much my discretion as to what's best for the children, and that's where I struggle and need advice from anyone who's been there.