why do some women think they are more capable of caring for thier children than their father(I did say some women so don't beat me up)

W and I do not have any visitaion or custody arrangements yet. I've been very busy at work and can only see her and kids for about 1 1/2 days on weekends. I work alot on saturdays and she and kids are at church for 1/2 of sunday.

Well she has a weekend coming up that she will be busy on saturday and sunday. I was already set to take the kids on that sunday. Just found out about Saturday. I don't have a problem with that, 2 days are better than 1.

But>>> She already made arangements with her mother for saturday just in case I couldn't make it. I think I should have been told first and asked before her mother.

Then she says to me " Are you sure you will be able to handle all of them for 2 days in a row"

Lets see??? Hmmmm?? My Children that I have helped raise for the past 10 years, that I took care of when I got home from work and she went to her part time job, that I took care of when she went to class at night, that I dedicated my entire life to.

Does she really think that just because she has removed me from their lives as their full time father that I am not capable of spending an entire 2 days with them without her help.

Heck, maybe I'll tell her that I'll pick them up friday night and see if I can do 2 over nights in a row. Now there's a chalange for me.

They are my children. I would be with them every night if it were not for her. Who is she kidding???

Ok I feel a little better now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If there were more fathers with YOUR attitude, the world would be a MUCH better place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm unsure of your situation, but it sounds like you and your W need to create a written agreement that should she need to go out at any time (even for a coffee one night with a friend, or to get a haircut), that YOU be the first one she calls to watch the kids.

Karen

Karen, I agree with you 100%

I feel that even if she was just calling her mom as backup incase I had to work, She should check with me first. Then her mom if I am not available.

If I were still home, she would have asked me If I was working before she called her mom.

The funny thing is, she just called me to ask if I could come over tomorrow to be with the kids while she got some homework done.

I almost said" I don't know if I take take a whole day with them"

Turns out I am working tomorrow so I don't know when I can be there.

Then she has the nerve to complain about how hard it is to get everything done by herself.

I guess miss independence can't cut it as well as she thought she would when she decided that I had to leave.

Sorry>>>> Still venting a little

Though I have primary custody of our daughter, we split time 50/50.

Stop focusing on you and your wife. It is quite evident that you are hacked off at her. I'm trying to bite my tongue, but you sound like a jerk. Granted, both you and your wife probably have a lot of raw nerves right now, but you're not helping yourself with this behavior.

Start focusing on your children. Do NOT get into a cycle of crap with your wife. Your children will only suffer. Pay attention to your behavior. It is quite apparent that you don't have much time to spend with your children. You will get a lot farther by acknowledging that and working with your wife to see your children as much as possible. Ignore your wife's comments. She has raw nerves too and parenting is extremely tough when going through a divorce and with young children. IMHO, if you can not be relied upon to take the children when you say you can, then your wife has NO obligation to consult with you before she makes arrangements with her mother. I can only assume her mother is more dependable than you when it comes to being available to take care of the children. Your wife is NOT your nanny.

father of 1, husband of 0

1, I'm not a jerk and you must have misinterpretted my posts.

I was simply venting because my W insinuated that I would not be able to handle my kids for a whole weekend.

My kids are my life and I am very dependable when it comes to doing things with them. She has never had a problem with me being available for anything having to do with them.

And as for your comment about this behavior??????

What behavior? I am venting here right and not with her.
I don't believe I gave any indication that I considered my wife a nanny or that I was not dependable.

So Based on my post, I think you're a little out of line calling me a jerk or assuming that my wifes mother is more dependable than me

Why didn't she ask you first?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Turns out I am working tomorrow so I don't know when I can be there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because she questions your priorities. You told her you could care for your children then put work ahead of time with your kids.
Now we've talked off line so you know you have support.
But look at your statements. You are only seeing your kids 1

You are only seeing your kids one or 2 days per week.
You choose not to see them more. You can reprioritize your life, but choose not to do so.

Please reread your description of the events.
My bet is that you've told her you'll care for them then backed out on her before. She's ensuring she has care for the kids.

If you want to formalize it, type up a "Right of First refusal" so that you will ask her first and she will ask you first to care for your kids.

Get something formalized. Remember. Look in Mom's House Dad's house for some good ideas.

I totally agree with newly. Although I don't know your whole situation I would bet that your prioritites have been messed up for some time, probably throughout your marriage and time as a father. Your wife probably feels that she can't depend on you where she can depend on her mother. I am not sayng that this is right, but it seems realistic.

It seems you love your children very much, but those are only words. Your actions don't put them first. I know you have to make a living, but the hours you are putting in seem to go above and beyond that. Your children don't care how much money you make or how prestigious a title you carry. They care about the time they spend with you. You need to rearrange your schedule and make them your priority.

Right now you and your W are full of emotion and will both and do and say things that will be misunderstood by the other. Your feelings were hurt by your W's comment questioning if you could handle them for two days and that is understandable, but think about it, when was the last time where you have had them alone that long? Your wife is probably frustrated too.

Newly is also right about the right of first refusal. With it your W would have to call you first when she needs someone to take the kids.

Take a long look at what you want out of life and how you are presently living your life. If they don't match up, what can you do to change it?

Take care and God bless!
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Because she questions your priorities. You told her you could care for your children then put work ahead of time with your kids.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Newly, I didn't put work ahead of time with my children. The weekend that we agreed I would be there is a few weeks from now.
I was already scheduled to work this saturday before she asked me to come for the day. Usually when I work saturdays, I get out early and spend the rest of the weekend with them. She just wanted me there as early as possible so she could get some school work done.

Maybe I should clear up things a little before everyone thinks I'm a terrible FAther that doesn't want to spend time with his kids.

1... This post was a vent about a specific comment that my W made. Being a vent, I was just getting out some frustration and didn't realy think to detail the events.

2... Due to the living arrangements that W and I are currenty under, We agreed that time I spend with kids is at home with them. Usually this is with W and kids. It's not like I am scheduled to be picking them up and dropping them off.

Unfortunately it is mostly based on her availability, not my work schedule. If she has something to due, she usally tells me that they won't be home. It is not me that has the problem with priorities. She is with the kids all the time and does not take into consideration that I see them very little if she has something to do. She will even take 2 or 3 of the girls out while I'm there.

3... The weekend that my W does want me to be there so she can go on a class trip hasn't come yet so I have not backed out on her. In fact, I found out about this when I asked her what activities were going on over the next 2 months so that if I have work that NEEDS to be scheduled on a saturday, I can make sure that it doesn't conflict with anything that the kids have going on.

4... My line of work required off hour work. I have to work some saturdays. This scheduling is very involved in some cases and includes scheduling of staff from the client I am working at. I can't cancel at last minute.

Also my BIL (STBX's Bro) Has his own business that I occasionally worked on with him if he needed help or I needed a little extra cash. Well BIL got deployed last month so I am trying to close out some open contract for him. W and kids understand the situation and all think that it is great that I am able to do this for him when I have free time.

5... W does not Call her mother because she can't depend on me. I have always gone out of my way to make sure I am available if she needs me for anything.

She calls her mother because she can't get away from her mother. She calls her mother for everythig. Her mother controls almost every aspect of her life from how to make toast to how to raise kids. W complains all the time that her mother is too controlling and too involved all the time yet, she calls her everyday and tells her everything. Then she'll call me and say "I shouldn't have even said anything about it to her"

W insisted that we live in a particular neighborhood so we bought a house ...... Around the corner from her mother!

I do not have a problem with her asking her mother to watch the kids. In fact what usually happens and probably did this time is she will be talking to her mother and say" I have this to do on this day, if WIWH can't be here, will you beable to come over with the kids"

My big beef was the fact that she asked me if I could handle 2 days in a row with the kids. For all I know, she may kave been kidding because maybe they were misbehaving at the time but it struck a nerve.

Thanks for clarifying, and I hope you understood the vein of my points. Not an attack.

Pre separation, I would have asked X if he could watch the girls for two days. If I said I had plans, he'd actually refuse to care for his own children. But then he's NPD. So I'm sensitive to some of your points.

You can choose to spend more time with your children if you like. Formalize a plan to spend time with them. Set up a schedule, such as Every Tuesday will be your evening and plan your day to spend time with them, not W, the kids. Let her know that you want to see all of them. But enjoy alone time with them too. The older ones need this time.

good luck.

I try not to think of any post here as an attack. If someone does attack me on my actions it is either because I am doing or am about to do something stupid.

If someone attacks me on a personal level>>> Well they don't know me do they?

I am going to talk to her about having more time and making sure that it is regular, not at her convenience. Already on my list with for the Mediator.

I understand that she is busy also, but she will have to stop scheduling things for the kids when it is my time with them and have those things scheduled through me. The way things are now, she just schedules what she wants and tells me if I ask.

It is very difficult right now with my time being there but even the mediator said, W will have to find something to do when I'm there.