Hi folks,

I used to post on the GQII board but now I may just be posting here mostly since I found out that my WH is still in contact with OW.He went a whole month(supposedly but how would I know for sure)with out contact and I just happened to be snooping and found e-mails.WH knew that this last time,after one false recovery, was all or nothing and he risked it all and so here I am.

My question is,I am having a phone call with a mediator next Tuesday to get some basic information and get the D ball rolling but my WH is still here in the house and refuses to leave.He is afraid that I may claim abandonment and from what he has read ,he feels he should stay.Due to that fact and also that he has yet to find a full time job,I am an emotional wreck.My home was my safe place where me and my daughters lived while WH was away in Toronto(Then LA)working and having his affair.Him being here is causing me a great deal of pain and I cry a few times a day every day and feel really badly.I am already on AD's too.

I would like to know from anyone with experience,how can I get him to move out soon,whch he will have to do anyway.Do I have to wait until the D proceeding/papers are filed? I have asked WH to start thinking about where he might go,like at a friends,so at least he will not be here.He also likes to think that we will just be friends and he can see me when he is here,etc.I prefer to never see him again if I can help it.It is too painful on so many levels.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

O

October girls

I'm sorry it had to come to this for you. I don't know of anyway taht you can get him to leave but here is what happened to me.

First there was no A in my story but W wanted D and wanted me to leave. At first my attitude was if she wanted out of the marriage then she was the one that would have to leave. Although she didn't want to, She was going to because I wouldn't.

After lots of arguing over it, I did agree to leave so our kids didn't have to be uprooted from their home. They are still there and I feel I made the right choice for them no matter how hard it was to do.

If things are that bad for you and he won't leave, maybe it would be better for you and the kids if you packed them up and left.

I have also heard many times that no matter what, you should never leave the marrital home in the case of a pending D. However, this is not always best for the children and they are the most important thing to look out for in times like these.

WIWH

I'm told the tensest time in a divorce is when both parties live in the same house. I hope you have a good counselor.
Yes, you can get him out, and its best if he agrees with the idea. How? Get a legal separation. If this isn't available where you live, have a lawyer draft a document stating that his departure does not constitute abandonment or relinquish his property rights. He probably doesn't want to be their either.

Now for the hard part. Many of us have been able to heal by viewing our X's differently. Letting go is key here. Treat him as someone you've just met. Use common courtesy. Try to avoid discussing or rehashing old issues. Treat him as you would a roommate, with common courtesy.
Yes it is hard, and you each know the others buttons to push, but to remain amicable, it's worth the try.

And a good counselor can really help you with this, and your recovery.