I have now joined the club of those who are getting divorced. I did not want to join the club, but I had no choice in the matter. My wife made me join.

After 20+ years of marriage I found myself with a wife who preferred to be with the OM. Like a used up old dish rag I was tossed out with the junk, the debri of 20 years of marriage. Treated like the refuse of daily life. I have no more use than a paper plate after the picnic.

She took the best years of my life, all of my efforts to make a good life for us and our children and now keeps them for use with the OM. Our plans for a happy and rich future will now be implemented with another. I am the old leftover of a past life. Used up until I have not more use, worn down until there is no more polish, beaten and battered until my funcitons are no longer useful to her.

Sell me for scrap and haul me off to the wrecking yard. And then forget that I ever was any good, that I ever did anything useful, that I ever sacraficed my needs and my health and my time for her. Just get rid of the husband and replace him with the OM. Who the hell cares about loyal and loving husbands anymore? I am nothing but a quaint anachronism tossed on the trash pile of life.

I'm sorry you had to find this place. I too was married for 20 years to an abusive and controlling person. He also found someone else to *replace* me with (or so I thought then). It was a hurting place to be in that first year -- but in time things changed and I started seeing the brighter side of all of the crud that I travelled through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Used up until I have not more use, worn down until there is no more polish, beaten and battered until my funcitons are no longer useful to her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In time you will realize that the best part is your experience...sure the polish is off and you're beaten up a bit, but you have the compassion and understanding that is needed to face the future -- where she's run off from that to something shiny and new. It's kind of like finding a new fancy pair of shoes, polish and all, but finding out that they hurt like hell and you'd rather have the old comfy ones!

It takes time to go through the grieving process of divorce. "When your relationship ends" by Dr. Bruce Fischer is one of the books that is used by many divorce classes throughout the country. If you have a Christian background, try your local church and join a DivorceCare group for support. Get around people who can support you through this time. We can here, but you also need "real life" support to help you through the ups and downs.

Start a gratitude journal. Write ONE good thing in it EVERY day. Can be as little as "no bills in the mail today" to "won 10 bucks on the lotto!" or "I had a peaceful sleep last night". Today's entry might be, "Today I found a place where I can be myself and cry if I have to."

One step at a time.....

OK, Justin,
just take a breather, here. We all know how this feels. If you look at my profile, you will notice that I was also M(married)'d for 20+ years. What isn't written in my profile is that I came home one day and found that my H had packed up his stuff and left while I was at work, I didn't even have a CLUE until it was "too late."

Except that now, 1 divorce and 3 years later, there is possible movement to his coming home!

A WS "falling" for OP is NO (I repeat - NO) guarantee that your M cannot recover. There may even be a Div., but it doesn't mean that she won't return to the Marriage at some later date, once she finds out the "greener grass" she's seeking out is really over the sewer.

I confess to not being up on your story. Please tell me what you've been doing to try to break up the A. Have you confronted her? OM? His family? Is he M'd? Do your W's parents/family know? Have you been doing Plan A?

See, there's a LOT you can do, including SLOWING DOWN the process necessary for the div to become final. During this time, you can follow all the MB principles, which many know DO work.

Please keep reading and learning, and working on YOU, and take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep (if possible), and EAT regularly.

We're all here to help you get through this in the most healthy way possible.

God Bless,

ooopss....and yes....Plan A!!!! Plan A!!! (I found this place AFTER it was all done and over with!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Let me give you a quick recap of my story. My wife has been in a long term affair for many years. It was exposed late last year. Faced with the reality of not being able to be married to me and have a lover, she chose the OM.

I have been Plan A'ing for a long time even without knowing about the OM as I have felt that my wife was not fully involved in our marriage. After the A was exposed, I did what I think was a very good Plan A. OM's wife knows, but since they are divorcing that does no good. WW has no close family who can put pressure on her.

She has left and has made it clear the marriage is over. She wants to be with OM. Period. End of discussion. This has been her position for many months. NOthing me or my children have said to her has made 2 cents worth of difference. She has even left our church of 20 years. This is a MAJOR decision for her as she was very involved in various ministries.

She has refused to talk with our pastor, any other clergy or a marriage counselor. She has done NOTHING to try and rebuild the marriage. She has labeled my suggestions as a waste of time and money.

I must now act based upon being in the process of divorce.

One reason I am angy is that I realize my WW not only through me and our marriage on the junk heap, but also our family unit. Easter is coming up soon. We are always together at Easter. But this year, WW is having Easter with other people. I don't know who they are. Me and my kids will have it alone.

Same with a recent birthday. No family dinner or event for the birthday. Just a quick exchange of presents as she got ready to go out with friends. I don't mind her going out with friends, but I wish we had done something as a family. But, WW has made sure that will not happen.

You see, our nuclear family unit has also been tossed into the trash heap of her life.

Oddly enough I still feel love for her.

If she commited to no-contact with OM and came back to the marriage today, I would accept her back with great joy.

Justin -- wait a second! You DO have a family! You AND the KIDS! She has exactly who? Her friends? Nice.... This is the time to make new traditions. Hide those eggs (my 20-year old STILL comes over to my house to find those damn eggs hee hee!) My kids are growing up but know who is the one who is holding the family together. Plan Easter for YOU and the kids. Get a dinner together. Have an impromptu pot-luck dinner with your kids and some strays that have no where to go for Easter. Make it a fabulous even.

Someone once told me to "smile" even if I didn't feel like smiling. I remember gritting my teeth, but smiling all the time. I looked ridiculous when I checked my "smile" out and ended up laughing at myself. Have fun with your kids. Get them into decorating the eggs and planning a great dinner. She's not there. She's GONE. That doesn't mean that your family is dead. Live it with the living -- live your life with your family the way you want it. It's HER choice that she left -- doesn't mean that all of you have to die with her leaving. You have choices -- either live with a passion or let you and the kids wilt in an unhappy home.

I know how you feel and am sorry you have to come to this place. Mine had no A, But abuse. I did still love her also, but her "friends" changed that, and her lawyer. I too have hurt my back, my knees, and my foot over the years, building her home, and barns and such. I also did everything with our family. But she threw it away rather than seek MC for us. She refused that there was anything wrong with her but still wouldnt go for us. So my advice of what I learned so far, The nicer you try to be the more you will get scr(*ed. Take care of you, Take care of your kids and make sure they know they arent the reason they have two homes. Everything else is just stuff.

At the risk of sounding like an immature, selfish jerk I have to add that I have spent several years putting up with her affair and its negative consequences on our marriage. While I did not know what I was dealing with, I still tried so very hard to be a good, loving husband and meet her needs. Since the exposure of the affair, I have given 110% to the Marriage Builder principles and Plan A.

Now that she has left I feel I have a right to be angry, frustrated and complain. I'ts got to come out sooner or later and better here than at work or with the kids.

She disrespected me and treated me like dirt. I have a right to be angry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am frustrated as all H**l because my best was deemed less desireable than the attentions of a lying, cheating, hypocrit of a man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Grrr........

Justin,

Let the anger roll, but remember this. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The best revenge is a life well lived.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know how old your children are, but make this a good Easter, make every holiday special. Don't over do it, but make them special with smiles and laughter, and good times. Your children will remember as they grow older.

Don't let your WW throw your love of life and your children on the scrap heap by stealing your joy in what you DO HAVE.

I know you are angry and I know I would probably be worse, but focus on the long term. You are a relatively young man with a lot of life ahead of you. You were a good husband and are a good father. You will find these things very useful to you in the future.

When your children marry who do you think they will insist on being at the wedding and who do you think they will wonder about inviting. You will be a grandfather one day, and your children will enjoy your presence. Even if you WW works her way back into their lives, they will NEVER trust her or view her as they do you.

Plus, she gets to be married to a lying cheating man, and he gets to be married to a lying cheating woman. Would you like to be in either's position. You already know the answer, because you have been married to a lying cheating woman. You are not having fun are you? I didn't think so.

Justin, as Easter comes you might want to reflect on the significance of that event. An new life, a rebirth if you will. I suspect it is in store for you as well. Your W is getting far less.

Take good care of the kids, enjoy them. Enjoy your friends, your church, your job, your home. She is going to be the loser and eventually she will realize it.

So vent your anger, but remember your blessings as well.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Justin,

Imagine finding you here. I am close. I was so severly hurt this past week by WH that I just feel it is time to stop the dysfunctional relationship and abuse. I don't deserve tht. I am a sweet, loving, smart, dedicated, driven, successful, thoughtful, honest, God-faring woman, and WH doesn't really deserve me anymore.

I am in a total state of rage now. And even when I found out about A, knew that WH was still continuing in A after my discovery, that he was dolin out the most cruel, insensitive, basically crushing words and actions that a person could heap on another person, I still treated him with respect, honor, love, and understanding.

Well...I am past that. My kids are suffering (9-year old literally has patches of hair missing from his head), and WH was such a heartless man, so self absorbed, that he could not see past himself.

Just so's you know's..... Being angry is OK, being hurt is OK, it's what you do with it that counts.

Punch a pillow,
scream into a pillow,
get some playdough and shape it into ummm.... lets say a replica of something...hee hee...and punch the heck outta it!
write a letter to your ex with all the hurts and aches and pain.....seal the envelope and put it away for you to open one day when you are ready to let go of the past
write a list of things you want to accomplish in your life that is good
write a list of things that you ARE grateful for....

Above all else, every day, kiss those kids of yours and tell them that you love them always and forever....

yea, this weekend was tough for me also. Yesterday I was cleaning out some of the closets and I came upon a box of marriage memorabilia. The guest book, announcements, photos, all of the stuff celebrating our marriage. A few hours later the mail came and the monthly church newsletter was delivered. It was addressed only to me. My wife's name has been removed. She has left the church we attended for over 20 years and raised our children in. I knew she had done this but this reminder was a tough one to take.

Oh, well, it is Spring, Easter is a time for resurection, and we are finally on daylight savings time. Today has got to be better.

Easter -- resurrection

Easter Sunday 1999 was when my ex raped me. I remember it vividly -- but I will also remember that my NEW life started that day. It was the LAST day my abusive spouse touched me.

Divorce is painful -- but it's what you do with the rest of your life that counts! For me, divorce was a blessing. God has brought me much joy in my life (We're still working on the patience thing though!)

The memorabilia is tough -- for you it's still fresh and new. Put the box away for a while. There will come a day when you will be able to look upon it with good memories and not extreme sadness. PS....did you plan Easter yet?

Hi All,

Justin, Christy nice to see you here with me, well not really, but we are old friends anyway. Well I made my way here unfortunately. I am beginning to finally feel better and see the light at the other end of the tunnel. WH is pretty much living with OW now, going out in public with her and so on. Because I am not in favor of the recovery process, I am just plan Bing my a$$ off until DV. I am hoping to be DV by Sept. It seems far off, but it will be here in no time. The nice weather never lasts long

It is very hard to go through this, I am glad we are in it together. I found out this week that WH went to the lawyer himself, although they told him he has no rights, which I thought was very funny. He has depression and will not take his meds, so the OW can have him.

I hate to give up on him so easily, but after 10 years of this and two children suffering there is not much to do but move on and forward. Of course dating is a whole other subject. I wouldn't even begin to know how to do the dating scene. I have been married since I was 19, two marriages but still married for years.

So how does it get better, when does it feel better? When does it feel right enough to date after the DV is final? Is it possible to have a relationship again and trust someone? Any ideas?

NY

Justin

It is not a fun club for those who didn't want it.
It has been a little over a year since I was thrown away.
I was married 17 years, I have 2 young girls.
It was all her that wanted the divorce, not me.
As soon as I was told to leave, (by a restraining order no less), I started receiving my belongings from her father, mind you these were things I didn't even want.
Within a week she went on I quote her now, "my first date in 17 years", yeah right!
She had this man, a co-worker, coming over to what was our house, seeing my kids, within a few months of course he moved in to the house with her.
So yes I was was tossed away with the trash, she wants nothing to do with me, no apologies, nothing.
The family unit, well, this man has taken my place, a man who too was married but with no kids.
This is the hardest part.
I have my kids almost everyday till about 6 pm, see......I am the babysitter, while she and he go to work together.
Of course I had always been the one with the kids and I feel I am the closests parent to them.
Yet it is very hard seeing him and her pick my kids up from me, I help coach my youngest daughter in kindergarten soccer and the other day as soccer practice was ending the lovely couple arrived and my daughter left with them.
She says we are doing a good job raising our kids, for now they are always with one of us.
But how good is it to tear up the family unit.
It doesn't feel good to me.
When my kids leave at 6 pm my world is turned in to complete lonliness, I have no family other than my kids around me. She has all her family with in a stones throw of her, her mom and dad, her brother, her new man.
Last night I took my daughters to a dance function for my oldest, my ex was there to pick them up, her boyfriend wasn't there so she was at least somewhat approachable, (when he is with her she keeps her distance), I asked if we could sit semi-together, she said ok, my youngest and me sat down, she sat a couple of seats away,
Then out of nowhere, she said she didn't feel comfortable and moved to the other side of the auditorium, she did leave my daughter to sit with me though. WHY DOES SHE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, IS IT BECAUSE OF THE GUILT WHAT SHE HAS DONE TO OUR FAMILY?