lol thank you

You know I always come and ask first!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Where else could I go for a good kicking!

Well that must have been one mean goulash! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We spoke for about 4 hours, nothing deep, just what we were both doing, and quite a bit of memory type stuff, like when the kids were born, things we had done years ago etc. She did ask about the councelling but I was in the kitchen at the time so didn't answer & it didn't come up again.

Wants me to do some work on the house..the outside painting... made sure i knew that she was in every night except tues lol
Goodnight kiss...
Quite a few babysteps i think! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

AND - just phoned to tell me she was home safe and chatted for 15 mins....

Ooooh. Sounds like a success. So, do you think she'll say "Yes" to a second date?

Let's see. Lupo, do you think the next weekend is too soon? It feels soon.

Okay, weekend after next. Supper and the movies.

Stick to safe subjects unless she brings them up.

This is so exciting!!!

(NOTE TO SELF: It is not healthy to live vicariously.

REPLY TO SELF: Oh, please, better live vicariously than not live at all.)

EXCELLENT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're all doing the Happy Dance for ya, Graeme.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> Ooooh. Sounds like a success. So, do you think she'll say "Yes" to a second date?

Let's see. Lupo, do you think the next weekend is too soon? weekend after next. Supper and the movies.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YEAH!!!! Week-end after next.........
But don't ask TOO SOON, either!! That'll feel like pressure. Let her stew a few days, or week. THEN call and invite her. Are there any "event dates" coming up? Birthdays? Holidays? It would be better to arrange around some "event" rather than another just a date so soon, I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Stick to safe subjects unless she brings them up.

This is so exciting!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sure is!!!!!!!!!

And I agree, stick to safe subjects. Keep it light. The advice I've been given lately is:
"You've got to become friends again, first, before you can be anything else after that."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>(NOTE TO SELF: It is not healthy to live vicariously.

REPLY TO SELF: Oh, please, better live vicariously than not live at all.) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN to that!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,

Graeme,

I don't hang around this board, but for some reason....


I was just reading your first post. What you did is just exactly like what my husband is doing.

I wonder if one day he will be here posting like you, and I will be in your wifes shoes.

Anyway, you are getting good advice from what I read, and I hope you take it.

If I could wake up tomorrow and have my prayers come true, it would be for my husband to show up and say, " I am sorry . I have been a complete fool, and I have hurt the only person who loves me. I have ended all contact with the other women, and I know I don't deserve you, and I know there is no reason for you to trust me or believe me, but I will give you as much time as you need, just for a chance to prove it. I will pray with you and work and pay the bills, and listen, and be the best husband and friend I can be if you will let me. "

Best wishes,
Shul

Shul,

Well I really hope that he does it in time, I didn't.


All the best

Graeme

The set back....

Well I guess I need to update you all.. Remember I said she had asked me to do the outside painting? Well she said anytime through the week was good but she didn't want any mess at the weekends. So on wednesday, when I was giving my son a driving lesson, we went and got all the paint etc, got back and I spend the afternoon cleaning up the back of the house ready for painting. When she came back from work I was round the side of the house.. She looked at me and said "what are you doing here" (she had just passed my car so knew I was there..) I said, "that's nice..I'm doing the house like you asked..".

She went into the house, I heard her putting her stuff away, making HERSELF a cup of tea, then went through to the living room. I thought she might come and look at the house but no. So I just finished up and tidyed up. I just went into the house then, picked up my things and called through goodbye and went..

Dejected or what!!! I guess confused is more like the word

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I thought she might come and look at the house but no. So I just finished up and tidyed up. I just went into the house then, picked up my things and called through goodbye and went..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BABY STEPS, Greaeme, AND NO EXPECTATIONS!

You're doing fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is a looooooooong, drawn out process. Always remember - YOUR MARRIAGE DIDN'T GET "BROKEN" IN A FEW DAYS OR MONTHS, AND IT WON'T BE FIXED IN A FEW DAYS OR MONTHS.
Add in the PAIN of betrayal and adultery, and she's still quite hurt.

Give her time. I bet she'll come round.

Thanks, my councellor said that too. Said that she must be full of anger and hurt and probably frightened too. It's just sooooo confusing this stuff! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graeme:
<strong> Thanks, my councellor said that too. Said that she must be full of anger and hurt and probably frightened too. It's just sooooo confusing this stuff! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">graeme,

Listen, it's not all that confusing at all!

Yes, she's hurt, angry et. al.

I wrote up a post one time that was a sort of analogy of a freed animal..........who returns from the "wilderness" and sees his/her former cage. The animal is suspicious, cautious, anxious, nervous.........approaches the cage very carefully and with much trepidationtaking two steps forward, maybe one step back each time.......can you picture it?

The cage represents good things (lots of good stuff trapped inside, food, security, love), BUT the cage ALSO represents lots of bad stuff. Locks, feelings of being trapped with no escape, and loss of freedom to be yourself - do your own thing..........
Are you getting the picture? OK. Now, at this stage in your rebuilding your relationship (mine, too, w/xH - BTW!), they are looking/glancing ever so cautiously at the "cage" that represents the former marriage, and wondering if they could ever go back there again..........if there could ever be a relationship within the confines of that "cage" again..........if they will get beaten down again.

As you can see, kind of secure, but kind of scary and stifling and frightening at the same time. The "trapper" can't force the animal to make a decision to walk into the cage. All he can do is wait patiently for the animal to keep glancing and moving ever closer and closer to the cage and see for itself that the "cage" will not harm him.

Maybe it's a terrible analogy, but in some ways I think it represents the mindset of the partner who is reluctant to want back into the relationship.

There is NOTHING you can do at this point to speed the process up.......it has to move along at its own pace, and all you can do is be patient, sit quietly, take what little progress you get, and DON'T GET ANXIOUS AND TRY TO PUSH.

Still praying.
God Bless,

Well it's a very easy to understand analogy - just hope it does reflect the mindset!!!

Another babystep tonight... eldest asked if I wanted to go out for a meal for fathers day. He also asked W, so all 4 of us ended up going out as a family. Had a lovely meal and a fun time, went back after, had a little chat - she was talkative again tonight, and I left before I outstayed my welcome again..

Hi all, a little update. When we were out on fathers day, W dropped about 6 hints that she had no money left till the end of the month. Now as she hadn't asked me for money, I never said anything at the time. But when I got home I transferred some to her bank. Now I really wasn't looking for anything back from her, but wouldn't you think a little thank you wouldn't have been unreasonable???

My councellor said that she thought we need to do something else, so she's written to W saying she would like to see her this thursday evening. I didn't see the letter. W should have got it on saturday. I have no hope at all that she will go.

Today would have been our 18th anniversary. I left a single red rose for her.

Oh well I was right. Councellor had made an appointment for her last night. She didn't turn up and didn't say a word to anyone about not going.

The total lack of response is really getting to me now, I am being patient, doing all the right things and have seen enough steps forwards to know there is still something there. But I think she is just being downright rude now.

Okay, G, then back off, waaaay off.

Your relationship seems to be a push me pull me one. Like the Tango, the Argentine Tango.

Back off for a while. Pull a little away and see if that invisible thread will pull her after you.

Not all fish are caught by throwing the lure in the water and leaving it there. Some are caught because the fly lands quietly and is drawn away from the fish. Tempting... Fascinating. The fly lands again and again moves away.

Finally the fish has to swallow that fly!

Hi GG,

Yet again I know you are right!
I have had enough of doing things without even an acknowledgement, so there will be no more until I'm asked properly.

How are things with you?

I feel like a broken record:
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Live your life, graeme. Improve YOU. Work on your self-worth.

Leave her to her own devices. She'll have to figure it all out for herself at this point. There's nothing you can do to help this process along.

You'll be OK.

God Bless,

G, thanks for asking. I'm doing fine. thanks for asking. We're heading into Independence Day, my favorite holiday.

Speaking of holiday, what are you doing for yours? Given your marital situation, I think we better start working on a plan if you don't have one.

Hi!

Graeme, I can be your w except that my h havent come around or ask for forgiveness. But I can tell you that not only the pain of betrayal is horrible, it is also that I can't understand how my h have abondoned the kids as well as me.

I think that maybe your w is scared. She probably is thinking what to do, because even tho she problaby do not have anyone else and still loved you, she has spent and endure all this time alone, and she has realize that she can survive without you or your help raising the kids, but she do not know if she can survive letting you in again in her life with the posiblility that these will happen again.

I think that you should keep trying to show her how wrong you was, and reasured her that it wont happend again. Wrigth now she can not trust you completedly even if she wanted to, and she has good reasons for that.

But you have the rigth to figth for what you want only this time take into consideration her needs and emotions, do not force her but let her now that you still love her and wanted her and that you really have learn what you almost lost. If you keep showing her that you are true and are not keeping more secrets or telling her lies maybe she will start to remember how wonderful can it be.

Then again, that's only may opinion, follow by my circunstances, I don't now her or you, but do now if your time to not give up and tried.

Good luck.

I th

GG - glad you're ok.

Well I'm not sure if I said earlier but I have been out of a job for the last 2 months. Of course none of this helps much with moving myself on, but I've been looking hard and I'm hopeful I will have a new job this month. So anyway that kind of puts the holidays out for the moment, although the kids break up for summer in 2 weeks so I hope to take them away for a while.